Last night, jess and I tucked ourselves in for the half an hour bullshit fest that was the very last episode of the hills.
As the credits rolled one final time, it panned open into a wide shot showing a hollywoodesque set.After six long years, all the hills left me with was an empty space in my head, much like the main characters, and the only thought ping ponging around in my brain, that being,
"what the fuck is real anymore?"
Everything just seems so fake!
FAKE TITS: some say they rule, some say they dont. I dont care what they feel like, it still means that you'll be that woman at 45 that your son's friends beat off to, and really...is that what you want for your life walking in wedges and white short shorts on the esplanade? Youll be "paul's mum", "whos pauls mum?", "the one with the fake tits.", "ohhhh thats right."
FAKE ORGASMS: I personally am not a fan, I dont think you should lie about anything when you are naked.
FAKE TV SHOWS: alright, thats fine whatever, just dont make me think you are real (i know im an idiot), and allow me and my friends to buy your stupid DVDs (albeit from a stall in thailand), and talk about you when we are out.
FAKE LAUGHS: so easy to spot. your not fooling anyone.
FAKE VOICES: Cher gave it away when she introduced the voice warble into "strong enough". we are not buying it or your latest single.
FAKE PROMISES: Now I just dont believe anything your saying. ever.
FAKE MERCHANDISE: you know...bags and wallets and shit from paddies markets. I dont really care about you, something so obvious usually goes un noticed.
FAKE TEETH: rule.
FAKE HAIR/NAILS/EYELASHES: They are appropriate for certain people and certain times in their life. If I see that you are over 38 and wearing a switch, i will judge you.
FAKE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS: what is the point of drinking a non alcoholic cider? is your life really that vanilla, or you might be 8.
FAKE TALK: If you ask me about how uni is going, or tell me that i "LOOOKK SOOOOO PREEETTTYYY (today) BBAAAAAABBEEEEE." please dont bother, you dont care, i dont care, walk away and never come back.
FAKE TAXI PAYERS: catch the bus if your gonna hop in a taxi with me telling me that youll split it and then say "shit I have no shrap."
FAKE TAN: dont knock it til you try it.
FAKE SPIDERS: hilarious.
There are some things that I could think of that sum up the whole fake-gate. I just cant believe how fucking dicey shit has become.
I wouldnt mind going back to a time when we didnt know how to lie, or act.
its sometimes like everyone is auditioning for the role of Deckland on Neighbours.
Well that role is taken, by some new guy, which I cant grasp either. I know I am one of the stupid people who believed in some way that The Hills MIGHT have been real, but it wasnt. which brings me to the conclusion....
"LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
EVERYTHING IS GOOD HERE
NOTHING BEFORE WAS REAL
NEVER FEAR,
EVERYTHING IS HERE
AND YOU DONT NEED YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY."
At least I can always count on The Mighty Boosh for some perspective.
FAKE
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