DONT TALK TO GIRLS, THEY'LL BREAK YOUR HEART.

We are such complex little homosapiens arent we?
Or are we?

Is that something we project upon others to appear more mysterious and appealing to chase after?
What is so appealing about the chase?
Here are some reason I came up with:

1. Nothing good ever comes and stays good, easily.
2. Everyone is intrigued by a challenge, except for lazy people. you can go fuck your couch. And your smiths chips packet.
SIDE NOTE: No, smiths chips packet do not make legit condoms. DO NOT TRY AT HOME.
3. Some people only want what they cant have. Masochists mainly.
4. Some people enjoy the fact that to work or play for something, you may WIN.
5. Mystery ALWAYS beats out VULGARITY.

There is a misconception that boys like the chase more than girls do, but I can tell you from experience/ other girl's experience that it is not always the case.
Cant count the amount of time I've heard:
"HES JUST NOT ENOUGH OF A DICKHEAD FOR ME."
Fucked up right?

WRONG.
There we go being all complicated again. Its just the chase. All about the chase, baby.

Girls may find the chase titillating (ha), but I know for somewhat of a fact (not entirely sure but Im gonna appear confident, because it's all a game, right?)
that girls LOVE to be chased.
I do believe that that is their preference in the love or better yet, lust race.

I do think that if a girl is chasing a boy it might feel a bit foreign to them, depending on who they are and where they have been, as it is assumed that the man will take the "woo"ing glove and put his hands in knuckle deep.

I dont know if this is a good or a bad thing. Does it make us ladies, lazy? Do we expect to lay back in our deck chairs and be propositioned by hairy bellybuttons in hot pink speedos?
Or should we be the ones going for what/who we want?

I have a friend who I wont name, maybe Ill edit it later if she wants to be credited, who asked out an older man for a spot of dinner.
I was extremely proud of her!
Well done, Kudos and all that for putting yourself out there and being the one with the Nike joggers on, ready for the chase. I really appreciated it!

We are independent women!
If we really want to get shit done, including our sex lives, I say we step up to the plate and start being the sleazy motherfuckers that we USUALLY have to fend off with a bored look and a disinterested "YEP." or "NOPE".

I think the funniest and best thing to see of late is a girl hitting on a boy, and watching his face go from shock, to "I am being Punk'd" to "wait I didnt even get to see her ass, Im not sure" face, to eventually FUCK YEAH BABY!

I am not hinting to any sort of decisions I am going to make in my life at the moment, however.
Congrats to anyone who is flying the 'fuck it' flag, but I am stuck in a 'I dont really care'/ Whatevs sort of mood when it comes to the chase.

FUTURE PREDICTION: Ill end up fucking a packet of Salt n Vins.

POST 69.

I just read 'Acclaim' magazine, and got completely inspired by this photographer called Ellen Stagg.
She is known for using girls in the adult industry (who are usually friends) and take erotic photographs of them.

I was particularly taken by the photograph you see pictured here. Something which is so innocent but is mixed with a bit of cheekiness (literally).

It also got me thinking about the human form. I was talking to Ellen the other day (albeit hungover as anything), and there was an advertisement on a bus detailing some art major student from 1992, who got a showing somewhere in QLD.
The ad consisted of this woman naked in a bath filled with rainbow gum balls. She had one finger in her mouth and a "come hither" look on her face.
Pretty textbook, if you ask me.

I was staring at it for a bit in disgust and wonderment, when I turned to Ellen and said...

"Why is it that being naked has become so taboo and sexualised, when really....we are born naked."

She seemed to agree with the idea I was throwing her way verbally, and it really got me thinking about how we really are only naked whilst submerged in water, getting our rocks off, sleeping, or frolicking about the house when no one is home.

I am speaking for myself however, I dont know what you might get up to on your days off, but that is the naked roster for myself.

It is funny how things that seem so innocent change when you get older.

For instance, I was obviously too young to watch 'Billy Madison' as I always laughed at the "My Aunty Fanny" part, and it was only when I hit high school and re watched it at Dynamite Video did I laugh at the "Page 69" bit.

Kisses are no longer something your mother forces you to do to your little boy friend because you both got sold into wedding slavery and made to be tiny little flower boys/girls, and had to do it for a picture otherwise you would NOT get a Bubble-o bill after the ceremony.

& god forbid you even mentioned the letters S-E-X.
No one wanted to get a belting.

Oi, can I also ask why people think the number 69 is funny?
I know I know...its also the name of a completely ridiculous and virtually impossible sexual position.
Come to think about it, I think it might be one of those unexplainable things in which it is funny because it can make us blush, and perhaps reflect on a really fucking drunk night when you tried it but fell off the bed and hit your head on the bedside clock.

Ill be the first person to raise my hand and tell you I constantly have a string of sexual innuendo running through my mind when people talk. If you have seen Scrubs, I am the Todd.

Speaking of blushing, I had not seen a grown man blush in SO long. But I did the other day when Bridie and I were in Coles (of course) and when we got to the checkout line, there was a boy working there who looked like the lead singer from Mumford and Sons.

So I said to him, "You look like the lead singer of Mumford and Sons!!"

BRIDIE: "Yeah you do!!"

Boy then looked down at the ground to which bridie said:

"LOOK AT HIM!! HES BLUSHING!!!"

We then both giggled and he giggled and it made my day.

I love it when people blush. I somehow believe it is my lot in life to make people blush.
Thats why I love doling out compliments, which most people dont like, but I do, to make them uncomfortable at first but then hopefully will get them to look in the mirror and admire the thing I just pointed out that I admire.

I want you to know, dear reader, that I admire you and the time you take out of the day to read this, and if I have ever made you blush before, then thankyou, because I think you're a bit sexy.

PROCRASTINATION.

Ill do anything to not do what I am meant to do.
I just drove around for an hour, looking at the same sights I see everyday, but somehow they were transformed into something resembling Narnia, due to the fact I have to smash out three assignments by next week.

Any old excuse will do.
Oh no! I got Season 3 of Gossip Girl for my birthday, I now need to scout out Seasons 1 & 2 so I can truly know what has happened for NYC upper east side elite.

Procrastination makes you do funny things. Like I remember in the HSC I would cook a meal every night and have a glass of red wine because I thought that was the most stressful thing I would ever encounter.
Boy, was I wrong.

HSC time, I also bought the guitar sheets for every Bob Dylan song he has ever penned and stole my brother's guitar in the vain hope I would become the new Joan Baez instead of studying for the 3 hour Geography exam.

But its through university in which I have truly been astounded at my procrastination skills.
It is an excuse to get drunk on a Wednesday night.
I am constantly bothering friends who arent procrastinators into leaving the glow of the computer screen with me and indulging in some tempura prawns.
I re-organise my entire Itunes library and make myself interesting in music I would have scoffed at previously to the looming nature of these three assignments.
I even drove to Tuggerah the other day to look for some books.

No one from Terrigal goes to Tuggerah unless David Jones is having a sale, or they recently discovered there is a Mad Mex there.
Oh and also to visit David Bellato during his chef shift.

See? Even procrastination makes me rag on Tuggerah. Its not that bad of a place, its the start of the Road Trip to Byron/QLD.

Im not to be trusted when I am procrastinating, I am even writing this blog instead of highlighting all the text book bullshit that will eventually lead to me scoring an internship at Take Five mag.

If you are currently in the same position as me then here are some wise ways to procrastinate:

1. Visit this blog: www.thomasstockwell.blogspot.com

2. And this blog: www.thepolartheory.tumblr.com

3. And this blog: www.softgreencream.tumblr.com

4. And this blog: www.icouldneverbedeaf.blogspot.com
YOU ARE HERE.

BABES.

YES.

IVE BEEN REALLY TRYING BABY. TRYING TO HOLD BACK THESE FEELINGS FOR SO LONG.

LET'S GET IT ON.

After this monumental weekend in Queensland. The final one that Ellen will be a resident for, for some time and the final one I will be having in the vain hope of saving my pennies.

It sure was a goodbye that will stay with the "smart" state for a long long time.

Consisting of transformers masks, red cups, cigarette cases and lighters including a fucked one which had "FUCK" emblazoned on it, a very nice employee of "OFF YA TREE", a picnic and the decks that couldnt reach, soul sister aboriginal lady who gatecrashed, countless chippies, elsewhere (where else, right?), sunday kick on's at Amy and Brady's love shack, trolleys, talk of The Rabbit, Penny Lane (the smokers area), hecklers (OI WHERES YA UNDIES?) and Spanglish.

Take that and mix it into a really smooth and delicious guacamole type dish and EAT IT YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
you werent there.

Or some of you were, and it was good to see you.
But whoever wasnt, then you probably didnt hear the multiple conversations about a million different things, including why Hungry Jacks wraps were called "Alfresco". Does that mean you HAVE to eat it outside?

But also, the pressing topic and unexplainable action that is kissing.
macking.
making out.
smooching.
frenching.
eating someones face.
necking.
pecking.
open mouth kisses.
kisses in other places.


The best kisses are the ones that happen out of nowhere. And no, I dont mean you are sitting on the train and the long haired lout with pinned eyeballs comes up to you with an MX he has been using for toilet paper and rolling tobacco, and plants one on you.

Im talking about spontaneity. Thats just one situation though.

I also think nice kisses are ones that are similar to how you kiss. Thats why its sometimes so hard to find a good kisser. Because, no, not everyone is the same as you.

I like the anticipated kisses, especially the ones that you know you should not be doing it, but you do it anyway because you want to/ cant help yourself.

But in summation, what Ellen and I discussed was about how weird kissing is when you take a step back and realise its when you touch your mouth to another's.

But why does it sometimes feel so good?
I know I know.

The nerve endings and shit.

But its such a weird conclusion to show affection by touching lips. And it is astounding how sometimes it can be so electric.

And sometimes so taboo.
Well maybe not so much in 2010, but I know everyone shat their dacks when Britney and Madonna (oh yeah AND Christina) smooched on that award show.

GASP!
Now, you just have to roll into any sort of half seedy establishment and find straight girls making out for money. Or maybe you can just live on campus at Hawkesbury. (remember that, girls?)

Aint no shame, ladies do your thing, just make sure you're ahead of the game.

Anyway, kissing is quite odd when you think about, but I suppose its like Devon or Chiko Rolls, theres no point in thinking about it as it ruins it and might make you never want to eat it again.

As I have written here before, I prefer the sexual tension before a kiss anyway.
It's a bit like a Marvin Gaye song.

I get the same sexual tension when thinking about Chiko Rolls and Devon.

WEIRD!

LAST NIGHTS PARTY #3

ONE NIGHT STAND.

Its the age old question:
WHAT IS TO BE GAINED BY A ONE NIGHT STAND?

1. Herpes?
2. A new jumper/ thongs.
3. A bin might gain your undies. (depends on how the night went.)
4. An exciting new like for a particular flavour of condom.
5. A rebound.
6. A relationship.

Thats all I could come up with at the moment.

I was just chatting to Madeline today about how things have kicked off for us over the years, and surprisingly it usually begins with a one night stand (which I suppose doesnt count as it doesnt remain one night, but it was always intended to be one night.)

And then, I sort of thought it was kind of immature of me.
I mean, Im all for taking the car for a test drive, but I dont think Ill be skulking around many Toyota dealerships for a while (if you know what i mean).

It does usually leave you feeling like the bottom of a cup. Sort of dirty, bread crumbs on you and empty.
Usually.

One night stands DO have their place however, especially if you are Stella and you need to get your groove back. (ME: circa March 2010.)
Also, if you just honestly dont give a fuck about much.

I have been both of these people at certain intervals, and I cant say I am ashamed of it, but I think at times it was liberating, whilst other times it was crushing.

It is hard to pick. Kind of like diving into a lake freestyle and then smashing your head on the sand.

But the real sad and jaded thing was that the notion of NOT having a one night stand, and actually getting to know someone seemed foreign and intimidating to me.

It can just be so easy to pretend you are Xena Warrior Princess and never REALLY know who you are having sex with.
Especially if it is halfway decent, because that clouds the mind and defers proper judgement in girls.
Seriously boys, if you ever want to have a girl around your little finger just insert it OR be really really good at sexing and she will not hear a fucked up phrase out of your mouth ever.

Dead set, if you said to her:
"BABY, I THINK I WANT TO BANG YOUR FRIEND."

she will hear:

"BABY I ONLY WANT TO BANG YOU, YOUR FRIENDS ARE MINGAZ."

It is something that is programmed in us girls, that once you give us the one fucking thing a man should be able to in life, if he can do anything right AT ALL, she will be yours forever.

Its just a matter of getting to that point though, which as Ive seen seems like a pretty tough thing to accomplish.

Well anyway, what do I know about one night stands? Im still young (HAHA you can tell I just turned 22 and am trying to make myself feel better, Im about two clicks off joining the mums down at the local footy ground to eat sausage sandwiches seductively ((try saying that ten times)) so that the younger boys take a notice and I am allowed to show them what it is like
TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A WO-MAN.)

ohhh hahaha im so fucked, what was I saying?


OH YEAH...I DONT KNOW SHIT.

DONT SMOKE FATTY.

I am so sick of you telling me not to smoke.
Fuck off.
Dont you dare extend those decrepid fingers that have been knuckle deep in some blonde wench with big teeth and take the cigarette out of my mouth.

Your not doing me any favours, you prick.

Your opinion doesnt matter to me, if you hadn't noticed when I shot you "that" look, and you reply with "ohhhhhh seeetttllleee dddooowwwnn!"

I dont tell you to get your fat ass on a treadmill. Or for that matter, anyones fat ass on a treadmill. I dont give a fuck if you ordered the complete Yum Cha banquet to yourself and watched How to lose a guy in 10 days over and over again in the vain hope that you will achieve a boner/girl-on over kate hudson/matthew mc-however you spell him last name.

When Im standing out with my marlboro gold in one hand, and my vodka pineapple in the other I dont appreciate your health advice.

Just like you wouldnt appreciate me telling you that those high waisted jeans dont even make it look like a camel toe, it has actual formed into the outline of Gary Coleman's face (R.I.P.).

Its not fair that smokers get cautioned about their impending doom by knob jockeys at every corner, whilst obsesies live on in their happy cupcake worlds, scarfing down whatever the fuck they feel like.

No one approaches these people and tell them that the way and the amount their eating will eventually kill them, with about as much chance as the smokers will have carking it early.

You know what, i love the fatties and the smokers.
The people I REALLY have a problem with are the people doing Emazon.

Especially the dude who came out of Fitness First the other day, sat down in the middle of the courtyard and spewed for around 15 minutes while Jess Moss and I stared in impressed disgust.

You know what, FUCK EVERYONE!

Im going out for a cigarette.

LAST NIGHTS PARTY #2

DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

Im so immature sometimes it hurts.

Like today in class, I actually had my phone out and started making notes on it about the completely serious things the tutor was saying, but in my giggly school girl head I could help but skip down the ye olde one track that some may find in their mind.

I love the one track mind, personally.

BUTT...thats beside the prick i mean point, here are some of the things that were completely misconstrued in class today to which myself and Carl laughed at (and googled):

1. First and foremost the tutor had a picture on the projector, but before I looked at it, she said "Ok everyone turn around and look at a diaphragm." to which I giggled pretty loudly, although she did mean the muscle under your lungs, or boobs, depends if your a boy or a girl.

To which Carl said, "No no thats not one of those contraception things, its called a Femi-dom."

REPLY: "No Carl, Im gonna google this shit and sort it out right now."

2. Quote from the tutor:

"NO YOU CANT JUST TELL YOUR BRAIN AND EXPECT YOUR MOUTH AND TONGUE TO FOLLOW."

I laughed. She looked at me like I was mental.

3. QUOTE: "IF YOU EXERCISE AND RELAX YOUR JAW, YOUR TONGUE WILL FOLLOW."

Is it bad if I then couldnt look at her, as all I could do was picture her dealing out some mad gobbie?

4. QUOTE: "WE ARE NOT USUALLY LOOSE IN THE MOUTH."

I dont know what your situation is down there sister, but if your mouth is your vagina, and your vagina is your mouth...well I suppose theres not much of a difference for certain people.

And that is what I learnt today, mum.

SUNDAY.

here are some of the best things about Sundays:

1. You can eat whatever you want and whenever you want in as much quantity as you like because more than likely you are hungover.

2. The best morning sex happens on Sundays. Whether or not its with your girl/boy friend or with a one night stand you dragged home (but had that little pit stop to make out while he held your kebab and/or kitten heels), and then as you both rolled over to each other and thought "I might as well make this an occassion to remember." and then made sweet cigarette smelling love all over his friend's fold out.

3. It is usually sunny, which means it is a good reason to go over your friend's house and sit in the sun and listen to Band of Horses. or Foals.

4. Sometimes Sundays are actually Saturdays.

5. Hair of the dog.

6. You can listen to the XX and fully appreciate the tempo.

7. Sunday mornings usually start off so badly that it can only get better as the day goes on.

8. You can wake up with the knowledge that a certain liquor should never touch your lips ever again.

9. Your friends can and will laugh at anything you did the night before. Also good for the times when you cant remember what happened, and being the friend who lies to freak the rummy out. EG: "what did i do last night?"
"You totally hooked up with your cousin man."
"FUCK! "

10. You might wake up realising you have secret talents that even YOU didnt know you possessed.

11. Perfect day to have poached eggs.

12. Everyone looks like shit on Sundays.

13. If its a summer day, you can go lie on the beach and fall asleep and everyone will think your this mad guidette heaps psyched on building up a natural looking tan.

14. My favourite part about Sunday mornings personally, is waking up with a full face of make up on, usually naked (and alone, mind you) and looking at myself in the mirror and laughing at the faded lipstick on my lips.

15. I dont like looking at the messages I sent, but I like seeing the ones that were written back by equally fucked up people.

16. Sitting in my car with a sandwich from Green Rooms, a cupcake and a cigarette.

17. Watching babes surf.

18. Sitting on the side of the road dressed in the same outfit as the night before with a durry in hand, having not slept and slurring jeers at passing joggers.

19. Everyone in my house is watching the football somewhere around the coast, which means sleep ins and cheekiness.

20. When I wake up in the morning (much like this morning) and I look at Meg and she laughs at me.

EYE AM WATCHING YOU.

GAP TEETH IN YO MOUTH SO MY DICK'S GOTSTA FIT.

Snoop put it riiiight when he spouted the title.

I love gap teeth.

They are fucking sexy

and if you are out there with one of these:

then YOU are fucking sexy.

I never understood the people who once had a gap but then got a cap and found out they couldnt rap (anymo')

I tried to rhyme im sorry.

If there is one thing that can tip the scale on the pro's and con's of a dude, it is a GAP in the teeth.

Not only is "gap" a fun word to say, it describes the sexiest attribute a man can possess.

in my eyes anyway.

When I was getting braces back in year eight I had a gap in my teeth for six months.

They were the best six months of my life to date.

No, they werent, I was awkward as fuck but at least I had a gap to soothe the nights spent on MSN trying to figure out what I should change my screen name to.

Shit. Seems alot hasnt changed what with Facebook and all.

I just thought that a gap in the teeth is sometimes ambiguous to the naked eye. Well luckily my eye seems to be clothed at all times as I can spot the fuckers miles away.

Shout out to Kyle Wainman, the man with the best gap I have ever seen.

SO LIKE TOTALLY NOT REAL.

Last night, jess and I tucked ourselves in for the half an hour bullshit fest that was the very last episode of the hills.

As the credits rolled one final time, it panned open into a wide shot showing a hollywoodesque set.After six long years, all the hills left me with was an empty space in my head, much like the main characters, and the only thought ping ponging around in my brain, that being,

"what the fuck is real anymore?"

Everything just seems so fake!

FAKE TITS: some say they rule, some say they dont. I dont care what they feel like, it still means that you'll be that woman at 45 that your son's friends beat off to, and really...is that what you want for your life walking in wedges and white short shorts on the esplanade? Youll be "paul's mum", "whos pauls mum?", "the one with the fake tits.", "ohhhh thats right."

FAKE ORGASMS: I personally am not a fan, I dont think you should lie about anything when you are naked.

FAKE TV SHOWS: alright, thats fine whatever, just dont make me think you are real (i know im an idiot), and allow me and my friends to buy your stupid DVDs (albeit from a stall in thailand), and talk about you when we are out.

FAKE LAUGHS: so easy to spot. your not fooling anyone.

FAKE VOICES: Cher gave it away when she introduced the voice warble into "strong enough". we are not buying it or your latest single.

FAKE PROMISES: Now I just dont believe anything your saying. ever.

FAKE MERCHANDISE: you know...bags and wallets and shit from paddies markets. I dont really care about you, something so obvious usually goes un noticed.

FAKE TEETH: rule.

FAKE HAIR/NAILS/EYELASHES: They are appropriate for certain people and certain times in their life. If I see that you are over 38 and wearing a switch, i will judge you.

FAKE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS: what is the point of drinking a non alcoholic cider? is your life really that vanilla, or you might be 8.

FAKE TALK: If you ask me about how uni is going, or tell me that i "LOOOKK SOOOOO PREEETTTYYY (today) BBAAAAAABBEEEEE." please dont bother, you dont care, i dont care, walk away and never come back.

FAKE TAXI PAYERS: catch the bus if your gonna hop in a taxi with me telling me that youll split it and then say "shit I have no shrap."

FAKE TAN: dont knock it til you try it.

FAKE SPIDERS: hilarious.

There are some things that I could think of that sum up the whole fake-gate. I just cant believe how fucking dicey shit has become.

I wouldnt mind going back to a time when we didnt know how to lie, or act.

its sometimes like everyone is auditioning for the role of Deckland on Neighbours.

Well that role is taken, by some new guy, which I cant grasp either. I know I am one of the stupid people who believed in some way that The Hills MIGHT have been real, but it wasnt. which brings me to the conclusion....

"LISTEN TO YOUR HEART

EVERYTHING IS GOOD HERE

NOTHING BEFORE WAS REAL

NEVER FEAR,

EVERYTHING IS HERE

AND YOU DONT NEED YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY."

At least I can always count on The Mighty Boosh for some perspective.

FAKE