XXX.

As someone who has been involuntarily abstinent for a while now, I feel I am a fitting mouthpiece to guide you through some things that dont necessarily need to be spoken about, so if sex makes you queasy turn back now.

Thanks for everyone who stayed on (Im going to guess 100% of you did because who doesn't love to talk about sex?) & get aroused for some home truths about one of the most basic human instincts.

There has only been a handful of experiences in my life that still make me weak in the knees to this day.

From an encounter (of the third kind- na I wish...man I have been watching WAY too much X Files for my own personal wellbeing at the moment) nearly four years ago, I would like to draw on to gain inspiration to write this post.

I am still not quite sure if the reason why it was so intergalactically (here I go again, fuck) incredibly amazing because it was kind of forbidden, but I think it later came to play that it was down to outrageous chemistry- anyway here is a true story it happened to a friend of a friend of mine:

For legal reasons, X is the girl and Y is the boy. sweet.

[After a long night of partying, X and Y found themselves alone finally. They parked outside X's old high school and decided to listen to some music and have a chat about the previous night's events. Somewhere along the way, a kiss was exchanged prompting a hand to be slid along Y's chest as Y climbed over to X. X's hands tugged at Y's crisp white shirt breaking the buttons and causing lips to be bitten and pupils to dilate. What followed could only be remembered by X in a kaleidoscopic memory of colours, splices of songs and the heat of Y's breath on the cold winters night.]

That sounded like an indie romance novel. My apologies.

Its always the best when it isnt planned I think. When you just think, hey what are we doing here outside St Josephs Catholic College half naked and "listening" to music really loudly?

What happened that I have broken your buttons and you have lipstick smeared all over your face?
Why dont we care? Shoudnt we take a look in the mirror and realise that we look like fuckwits?

For some reason, when you have that chemistry with someone, all sense of reason goes out the window.

Now I know, most of the people who read this are people who know me pretty well and wouldnt like to imagine the thought of me getting pumped, but fuck sometimes these things need to be spoken about because I look around sometimes and dont see any kind of "rip your clothes off" chemistry, and thats a fucking shame.

Its not like I am judging you and your boyfriends (dont get in a huff), its just something that I haven't experienced for a while and I dont know if that is because everyone is too busy tagging themselves as:
"So & so checked in at fucking behind the public toilets at Kincumber Oval"
or, if we all aren't that compatible as we think we are.
I DONT KNOW, AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU (if thats what you are thinking).

Its when kissing and fucking dont occur one at a time you know?
Does anyone understand what I am talking about, or am I just talking shit?

I am trying to articulate how it is when you feel that sense of wild abandon with another person.
I want to understand why that is different with different people?

Why is that do you think? Is it because some people like talking about it in your ear (which I find a complete turn off might I add. I think if its that good, you dont need reassurance)
Its the kind of thing people do in really long term relationships. You know those relationships that need to meet each other at the bus stop in rain spattered trench coats and act like they have different names (perhaps Candy or Britney etc) and pretend they are just picking each other up off the street.

I think when you have that complete succinct compatibility with someone else in the bedroom (or the car-whatever) then you don't need to try so hard to....trying to find a word for this without sounding crude.....get off? (great Prince song by the way)

I dont know if I am fucked up, but sometimes the fondest memories I have of past conquests aren't the ones spent holding hands underneath some shitty fireworks display or a fucking smooch on the forehead...but rather the memories of the ones who I had that compatibility with.

I have a firm belief that it doesn't matter what you are packing in your trunks- you and her could be like two soggy pieces of bread (limp bizkit anyone?) between the sheets unless you have the right chemistry.

The best part about this chemistry by the way, is the fact that it is hard to see with the naked eye. It is always a surprise. I dont think its all in his kiss, if you know what I mean, I am talking to you Cher.

Sex is something that is a throw away action nowadays. I remember when it was such a big deal when me or one of my friends lost their virginity. It was like announcing when you passed your L's test. But chances were, it was awkward as fuck and you would rather not remember it right? SAME AS YOUR L'S TEST. I think I am onto something here!

Not saying you should get chastity rings and start listening to the Jonas Brothers for inspiration, just that I think you should hold on to the ones you have chemistry with. That is something I have learnt along the way, whether or not that is a good or bad thing I dont know.

Hold on to the ones who can take you to outer space, rather than the ones who take you to Maccas.

WEIRD, AY.

I wanted to address all the weird things in life that just seem to happen regardless of how it looks or what you may really think about them. This post may ruin some of these things, as these components of life probably just shouldn't be analysed, but fuck it I think its funny.

1. DANCING.
Come on, its weird. I thought of this one while reviewing Creamfields on the weekend. There were people shuffling thinking they were killing it and then people who had little to no co-ordination it was amazing to see. Almost amazing because it was so wrong. Then you have the thirteen year olds in America or maybe in your local Bateau Bay blue light (never been to one-devo) who are scraping their asses on just popped up packages encased in khaki shorts that their mum bought them. It looks so fucked to see, pre-pubescent girls dropping it like its hot to Taio Cruz while some equally young little man with a freshly broken voice box looking down at it in horror like he never knew he could get a boner before. Something so gross about it. Then you have the parental dancing. My dad kicked me in the face before because he was dancing to J-Lo's 'Lets Get Loud' at a wedding and thought it was appropriate to do a high kick which in turn split his good pants and resulted in his daughter with a split lip. Then there was the dancing in late 2006-2007 usually done to a Ministry of Sound CD. You know what im talking about. Its just so funny, dancing, it can make you look like a total knob but feels so good while doing it. I love looking out onto a dancefloor and seeing someone who think they are just killing it, and I hope they are. Dont let me forget the dude who dances up behind you and you only realise he is there once you can smell the dorito breath on your shoulders. Then he grabs your hand and you try and pull away giving your mates the "HELP ME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN" eyes. Bless your creepy souls and the dance you obviously went to creep TAFE to get a diploma for.

2. KISSING.
Kissing is really fucking weird when you think about it. You touch mouths together and use your tongue to press up against each other. I feel like I have ruined it for a few people just then, but I am single and not kissing anyone so I dont care. Sometimes it makes you feel nothing but the afrorementioned physical commuication, while other times its like you were shot into galaxies much like when Ron Burgundy had sex with Veronica Corningstone for the first time. This is a rare occassion. Sometimes when you are kissing someone you feel like you are eating one of Willy Wonka's special "all in one meal" chewing gum and thats fucked. But I am a smoker, so sorry. I find sometimes when you really like someone or have amazing chemistry with them, even if their breath smelt like Rosie O'Donnells ass, you dont seem to notice it. AHH young love.

3. FACEBOOK.
Dont you think its kind of weird how we are really interested in what other people are doing all day? Like when people write their statuses as "Just had the best shower" or "Just watched The Avengers/Hunger Games" (or whatever other TV show/Movie is copping review gobbies at the moment) & yet you still read it and think "They just ate a burger. hmm, interesting I wonder if it had aioli on it". Or am i the only one? We check into places because we think people are interested in it, and as much as people may protest to their intrerest- they so are. They are still sitting on the train with their phone in their hand, refreshing right near Wondabyne and cursing the lack of reception in that pocket. I am not ragging on people who post mundane status updates because then I would be a hypocrite. A recent status of mine was, "It would be spiteful to put jellyfish in a trifle". GROUNDBREAKING.

4. PEOPLE'S "TYPES"
I was listening to Kisschasy this morning (and probably this afternoon on the way home from this hellhole known as Penrith) and Dazza the babe Cordeaux said, "You look like my type, so get in line," and I thought how weird it is that people have certain types. Some of my friends require that their spouse or potential booty call must be taller than them. I am not as fussy, I dont care about height (but maybe thats because Ill take what I can get). Other prefer certain hair colours, some the same as them (narcassicism) or some the complete opposite (self-hatred) whatever it may be, there does seem to be a certain category of looks that people pick and go for. One friend of mine, no matter how hard we tried, would never tell us the type of person they go for. It took hours of persuasion and yet they would still not answer. Maybe they were the only person who did not have a type and just loved all women like Hank Moody. Why does everyone want to be Hank Moody nowadays? For one he is fictitous, secondly David Duchovny would get WAY more ass then Hank Moody, thirdly- no one will ever get more ass than David Duchovny. I can't decide on my type, I suppose someone who is kind of brooding and moody (not Hank), dark and a general shithead to deal with. Looks like I have the pick of the bunch. Then again, tomorrow it will probably change. All I know is that I love a gap, NO SHIT you all say. Whereas some girls are just universally hot. Majority of my friends are universally hot and coveted by the majority of blokes. I think Im like snails- an aquired taste.

5. PYJAMAS VS. SLEEPING NAKED.
Wearing a completely different set of clothes to go to sleep in? Love the idea, cheers life. People wearing pyjamas is pretty weird when you think about it and kind of cute. Not in the dirty Hugh Hefner way- I dont think he has changed his sweaty robe since 1973- must smell like actual death. But pyjamas are hilarious, why do we wear them? Our mum and dad told us to wear them and now thats the way it is. Although most of the men I know sleep naked. Even in winter. I thought the balls were heaps temperamental, I dont know how dudes can sleep naked and not get it twisted in the middle of the night? It astounds me! If I sleep naked, at some point my boobs annoy me and i put a top on. It doesn't work for me, not saying Im like fucking Pamela Anderson- but Its honestly uncomfortable unless Im drunk. I love my PJs, I have nice little shorts and shit- at the moment Im wearing a Cold Chisel shirt to the land of nod and even though it is weird, the best part of the day has to be when slipping into some PJs. If you sleep naked, kudos- but I would probably change your sheets more often.

6. PARTIES.
Everyone gets dressed in their little outfits and does their little hair and then gathers together with assorted alcohol or illicit drugs and sits around together and talks until the early hours of the morning. Some even dance (see above). Parties are fucking weird when you think about them. Who is invited, what people are talking about, who ends up being "that guy". Its a soup of mismatched components that usually end up in a spewing, crying chick; some sort of fisticuff and a shattered piece of glass (from a window to VB- it depends). People end up making out (see above) in corners, and some end up inadverdently recreating a binge drinking advertisement brought to you by the Government of Australia. Chicks wear heels to parties as well, funny haha.

The end.....for now.

PROMISES, PROMISES.

I wanted to write this post for all the girls out there at the moment, all the single girls (there aren't many at the moment- but still) who are feeling a little lost, disillusioned and/or bitter about the whole dating world (AKA men.)

The following is taken from real life experiences from women I know:

I know that he masturbated next to you and came on your back after you politely asked him to leave.

I know that he awkwardly rubs up against you when he is drunk (& only when he is drunk)

I know he said he would call and seemed heaps sincere, but didn't.

I know he got angry at you for not coming over to suck his dick.

I know that once he hit it, he quit it faster than when he hit it.

I know that he pushed your head down when he wanted a gobbie and you felt like you had to.

I know that he talked about how much he liked you then never spoke to you again or looked you in the eye.

I know he treated you with disdain and hatred when you didn't want to put out.

I know he was messaging you when he was in bed with another girl.

I know he calls you crazy.

I know he has lied to you about what he really thinks of you.

I know he has told you to shut up because he doesn't like what you are saying.

I know he has made yet another inane "kitchen" or "sandwich" joke.

I know he has some sort of women issues that he takes out on you, because you were born a woman.

I know he called you a slut or a bitch.

I know he choked you.

I know he had every intention of letting you know that you aren't that special.

I know that he threw a tantrum when things weren't going his way.

I know he hurt you.


I just want the girls out there who are feeling a little let down or disappointed to know that it doesn't begin and end with a man.
In some cases, it only ends.

The one crystal clear realisation I have had in the past few weeks is that it is better to be alone than with someone you can't stand. It is better to come to terms with yourself and fill that emptiness with you rather than with yet another disappointing cock.

I dont know whether tis' the season, but I have heard nothing but horror stories when it comes to men lately, and a few friends and I were musing about why this is so.

Here were some of the hypothetical causes:

- girls put out too easily.

- they have had their heart stomped on by one too many chicks and now feel the need to take it out on all chicks as this is the most mature way of moving on with your fucking life.

- They need to get laid.

-They have been laid too much lately and need to get ahold of themselves before their head disappears right up their own ass. Then they wont be able to spout bullshit (well not literally).

-They watch too much porn.

- SOME men are stuck in a prolonged childhood much like a prolonged acid trip except its just not as cute.

Id also like to take this moment and proclaim that I am not referring to ALL men in this case. Some men are killing it. They have their shit together, dont continually talk about themselves and actually gain personal pleasure from treating a girl nicely.

While others insist on treating you like a whore and making you cry, just because they can.

I want to give kudos to the first category of men, you aren't pussies and you aren't whipped.
You are being men, taking a stand for what you think is right and looking forward, rather than back.

The other category is on a steady slope to pedophilia town as the older they get, the less likely WOMEN will put up with their psychosomatic post-modern bullshit and they will have to rely on their car and 10% off Boost vouchers to pull a chick.

Maybe we as humans need to reconnect to our humanity instead of speaking to each others faces in text language like LOL and shit, I think our internet connection is the only thing binding us together these days and its making us jaded to the prospect of real feelings like lust, love, passion and desire.

I would not want to live in a world where these fundamental human feelings die out due to everyone being a bit too cool to state how they really feel. So, in the spirit of declarations, I will start:

I FALL IN LOVE EASILY
& I HURT EASILY.
I AM AN ANGRY & APATHETIC GIRL
BUT CHANCES ARE I LOVE YOU.

There we go. Now, you start.

W.F.Y BOAT.

So here we are in the second instalment of my series of musings from men around town about the ladies. Why am I doing this? I guess you could say that I am intrigued at the opinions of boys, or perhaps I want to show some girls out there that not all hope is lost. Maybe it is to shed some light on the dynamics we seem to be enthralled in and somewhat misinterpret from time to time. Or maybe its just fucking interesting. Whatever it may be, I hope you enjoy. Please let me know if you want to be involved. Be as graphic or controversial as you want, or go the other way and be as simple as a slice of apple pie, I dont mind. As long as its you who wrote it and you really mean it. TWO:

" I love that a girl can magically know the whereabouts of whatever you have misplaced as soon as you ask.


I hate that a girl can take 45 minutes to decide on what to wear for mundane things like getting Love Actually from Video Ezy or ducking out for some more skim milk.


I love when girls swear. In moderation of course. Not like the toothless lass pacing up and down Gossie station dropping more C-bombs than America did on the Taliban.


I hate when girls say one thing but mean something else which conveniently is in some secret code and no matter how you interpret it, you still get it wrong.


I love a girl's ability to make you feel like a man.


I hate that girls bring more drama to a situation then The Bold and The Beautiful.


I love ALL the sexy stuff.


I hate not knowing how a girl's mind works.


I love not knowing how a girl's mind works. It would be like walking into the 'ladies' dunnies at Woodport on a Wednesday night. Out of sight, out of mind.


At the end of the day you can love to hate girls, or you can hate to love them but you can't live without them. You could say that a guy and a girl are like the black and white cookie from Seinfeld."


- W.F.Y. Boat.

M.F. LUDER.

I remember once a good friend of mine once said to me, "You know you are compatible with a woman if you can smell 'girl smell' on their doona" as he sniffed my bedding. I had always been intrigued with that statement and considered it a little diamond of an insight into the male mind. So here begins a series of musings from the minds of beloved males from my little old life. This is the first instalment from an anonymous source and it will open your eyes, hurt your cheeks and make you appreciate the intricate delicacies that makes being a man or a woman just so fucking lovely (or bad ass- depending on your gender).

Girls. Women… wow where do I begin. My good friend Jess asked me to write this article over a couple of drinks at a party, I thought it was pretty ridiculous/hilarious but I love her… especially her honesty and integrity which totally translates into her blog so here we go … I should also note the crazy part is I somehow I managed to convince said blogger that I’m a bit of a “casanova” (her words)– pretty good for a socially inept, non-athletic sci-fi nerd who went through a goth phase in high school.

Let me put it this way… I love chicks. Of all shapes and sizes… Being somewhat of an aesthete I appreciate beauty in all its forms. Beautiful music, beautiful food, beautiful men, beautiful clothes and of course beautiful women! I’m a straight guy – something I realised after a super awkward exchange in primary school one fateful day but I’m sure that sense of realisation is different for everyone and this article is not about sexual orientation.

I don’t consider myself overly superficial… I know what I like but I don’t necessarily have a type. I’ve dated and slept with many different types of girls, Middle Eastern girls, Asian girls, skinny girls, Ruebenesque girls, older girls, younger girls, girls who like to party, girls who don’t like to party, girls who like the same stuff I like and girls who don’t. For me the thing I love most about women is that primal natural raw beauty combined with a killer personality – it doesn’t require the perfect Angelina Jolie facial structure (I find that shit boring.) … It’s those little differences that are so sexy… a crooked tooth here, a little freckle there and an attitude to match.

I love girls who are strong willed and powerful and not afraid to put me in my place. There really is nothing sexier than a confident and intelligent woman. A great sense of humour is a real game changer too. I think that’s such a fundamental part of my life. I love to laugh and a girl who can laugh, be laughed at and laugh at me is just so satisfying!

I really didn’t want to include my mother in this article but she is definitely someone I really look up to in the sense of being a strong, intelligent woman – she broke through the glass ceiling in the 1980s and built a highly successful business from the ground up that to this day funds a lot of my indulgent interests (which I should probably pay for myself). She’s also looks after the family in pretty traditional way – many people would consider this last statement kind of sexist but I don’t mind a few of those values as long as there is absolute equality. There is nothing better than being looked after by your girlfriend when you’re tired, sick or just really pissed off.

Sex… Obviously everyone has different experiences and expectations but I love a girl who knows what she wants and is vocal about it. I’ve had some crazy sexual experiences and I’m fucking glad I’ve had the opportunity to go there. I know some dudes from high school I think still think could be virgins and that just sucks because sex is something to be enjoyed and if you ain’t getting it you definitely ain’t as happy as you should/could be. That’s just my opinion anyway.

One of the best sexual experiences I ever had in my life was with a girl that I had never really thought of in that way. I’d known her for years and one night I had this really intense dream about her and something just clicked in my head… I thought about her heaps for a few weeks and one night we ended up back at her place where I jokingly told her about my vision...coincidentally she had just started feeling the same way and we had amazing, intense and passionate sex… The power of the human mind man!

Girls are super complicated though – there are some really fundamental differences that are physiologically hard wired into us from birth I think. I’m a pretty neurotic, intense dude that would drive most people nuts but fuck me can girls do my head in sometimes. One of my ex girlfriends kicked me in the balls so hard once it was more painful than the time my hand was crushed in my fathers car boot, breaking every finger in my right hand (luckily it still works)… We are actually friends to this day but I remember it being over something really trivial, I hadn’t cheated on her, I didn’t buy stuff with her PayPal account – I think I just pushed her buttons so much she lost it and when girls lose it, I mean really lose it, I think they can be a lot more intense than guys can be. I’ll probably get flak for that statement (Chris Brown – what a fuckwit) but remember this is a personal piece and I’m speaking from my experience.

Overall I think the main thing I appreciate are those subtle and not so subtle differences that make women well, women. I love being a dude and one of life’s absolute and free pleasures is the ability to admire, know and be intimate with others. It rules.

The End.






- M.F. Luder

SEXY.

So after last night, my definition of "sexy" has been redefined and reignited. Therefore this has resulted in me spending the day thinking about the Top 10 sexiest songs that I can conjure up (mainly from my iTunes library). Here they are, you may want to refer back to this post to play at your leisure while getting jiggy with your unidentified spouse after a big Saturday night out on the wangers.

1. Pala- FRIENDLY FIRES

The twittering birds will make you feel as if you are making sweet love in a rainforest (or the stage set for Lost). Mix this with breathy vocals and there you have a tune that can produce quivering eardrums and whatever else may quiver upon listening. This is for the people who insist on taking it nice and slow and prefer not to have a headboard banging..well...bang.


2. Use Me- BILL WITHERS.

This is the kind of song you will have sex to after you have just had a joint by candlelight and maybe you had a moment where you looked in each others eyes and decided to rip into one another. The weird thing is, maybe your parents might have boned to this song as well which can get awkward if you dad bursts in and declares, "OH THE MEMORIES!"


3. At A Loss- THE PRESETS.

The plus with this song is that the ripping bass line means you can really gain momentum and actually pump to the music. It stays pretty much the same the whole way through, so this is recommended for the men with stamina, god bless ya's. Having previously had sex to this song, I highly endorse it even though it is The Presets. (& no I didnt have sex at a Big Day Out or something while they were live show whores back in 07 & 08).


4. In Gadda Vida- IRON BUTTERFLY

Remember this from The Simpsons? I had to put it in, because not only is it something you would imagine people getting their rocks off to at Woodstock. The pure thought of Homer and Marge making out to this song will have you thinking you can do it too! Everyone loves some dirty guitar to get you in the mood, and this song delivers.

5. White Room- CREAM.

Personally, there is nothing like some drawn out electric guitar behind Eric Clapton's vocals to turn me on. You kind of forget what the song is even about when you become enthralled in the decadent electrics of the thing. I know I am coming out with some oldies but goodies, but shit I am sure there are some people out there who switch onto Mix 106.5 when they are feeling frisky. (Im a RAW FM kind of gal myself)


6. I Can't Get Next To You- AL GREEN.

This tune reminds me of a certain scene. The woman has gone back to the man's apartment to "look at some art" or "watch a movie" and he dims the lights, runs his hand through his hair and casually places this record on. He lightly twists to turn to her with two empty brandy glasses clinking in his slightly clammy hands. He is nervous and she is wondering if he is serious. He saunters over to her like a primitive mating dance and before you know it, Al Green has removed your undies and you have tripped and fallen on yet another dick. WHOOPS!


7. My Neck, My Back- KHIA.

RIIIIIIIGHT LADIES? This song is great because it can not possibly get straighter to the point. There haven't been many sonnets written about cunnilingus, but even if there were hundreds, this one would still be my favourite. "The best head comes from a thug", I have never met a thug but I will be sure to approve/disprove that theory upon meeting aforementioned thug. I also have never seen a woman "pop your pussy like this,". Now that is something I want to see! Although I am pretty sure girls that if you put this song on just before girl head, he will run for the hills.


8. Goodnight Tennessee- COLD WAR KIDS.

The deep bass in this one sets the scene before you can say, "You are the only ten I see." All the indie kids would be hitting it and quitting it right now to this ditty, its sexy and understated and doesn't really reference sex at all. This is what makes the song amazing, its subtly sensual and will definitely be a hit with your lady. Get some red wine, play this and see what happens, then thank me later.


9. Lullaby- THE CURE.

This one has kind of creepy vocals, but it will definitely send you to bed (but probably not to get some shut eye). Matter of fact, the vocals and lyrics make me feel like Spiderman might slink through my window and have sex with me while I am sleeping and as I wake in the morning I will be covered head to toe in a web with a fake number scrawled on my bedside table. Typical saturday night, really.


10. Let's Make Out- DOES IT OFFEND YOU, YEAH?

"I cant control myself, when I see you theres no one else, when I get down all by myself, you're the one that I think about." How can you argue with that? If a boy said that to me, I dont know about you, but I wouldn't be creeped out by the whole insinuating masturbation,  I would completely fall for it! The song is gritty and urgent in its delivery, demanding and forceful in the best possible way. To put it blatantly, this song has throw down. & Who doesn't love a bit of a throw down?



Great, I need a cold shower now.

HIPSTER MASK.

I think that I can speak for a few girls when I say that I have been mislead by the hipster mask.

What is a hipster mask you may ask?

Its the uniform that has become really popular amongst the male species consisting of long locks, a black hat, pastel chinos and a button up.

Unfortunately, this becoming the male ideal has skewed the view of who is legitimately a babe and who is basking in the hipster mask.

I know on many occassion that a friend of mine or I have been checking out some dude with hair that somehow becomes entangled with his pubes because its so long and thinking "oh yeah sweet that is a totes babe and that" only for him to turn around and ...

Now, no disrespect to your lads just employing the look to get pussy (which I know a lot of you do- don't deny it...its worked hasnt it?) but for fucks sake its not fair to those chicks just wanting a somewhat smelly babe on top of them for 45 minutes!

Its become a hipster epidemic that any Tom, Dick or Harry can chuck on a velvet fedora and Bobs your uncle.

I often wonder if I could get a Hipster focus group together and actually graph the pussy snatching results in a defined period of time. Like how much puss they got when they had a Marty Simpson (circa 2004) pineapple cut versus Marty Simpson (circa 2012) with an old man river beard.

Many women find themselves hypnotised as the hips of a hipster sway back and forth like a paisley encrusted mermaid drawing the woman in with his apathetic attitude and extensive knowledge of underground music.

They become entangled in the web of the Indie dude as he talks for hours on end about his latest tattoo that somehow relates to Star Wars because being a nerd is cool again, finally! You all have Napoleon Dynamite to thank for that.

Ill bet you 20 cents (because thats all I have at the moment) that if you stripped back his septum piercing and GHD curled tresses, if you took off his casually slung cashmere sweater that has a necklace made of horse hair and a dugong's tooth caught in it, you would see him for what he really was. Just a man with a plan.

That plan may be anything from being the coolest motherfucker in any venue, or to be photographed looking like he couldn't give a fuck that he is being photographed, or to be knuckle deep in Lara Bingle.

We all have our life goals.

All I am saying, is that I have become a little bit wiser on the Hipster Mask, I think I can see through it- you aren't fooling me. But hey, you do seem to be fooling 98% of the female population- kudos.

This was just meant to serve as a general warning to the chick population, because unlike Jim Carrey- these dudes don't turn into a tornado when they put on their mask. They just sit on their phones and sip mojitos.