If you have had the pleasure/nightmare of being in my presence for the past year you will have been informed of the abhorrent and embarrassing number of months for which I have been abstinent. Apparently this happens to a lot of people. But I feel like thats what people say to you to make you feel as though you aren't some sort of sexual loser who runs around parks with their phones out catching fictional Japanese animals (topical).
I know out there somewhere that there are people like me, chewing their nails and lowering their standards by the second, so I thought I would share some things I've learnt on how to get through a drought reminiscent of the 1994 bushfires which will always play a large part of my childhood because my sassy parents gave me an actual cabbage that Christmas instead of a cabbage patch doll and that stays behind my minds like a 'Nam style flashback.
1. Don't shout out in IKEA that you are "involuntarily celibate" on a Saturday morning only to have all the husbands within earshot white knuckled clutching their yellow pencils and paper measuring tape look at you knowingly. Not only will you feel like a cunt to the kids in the room who don't need your shit, but it will make that $1 hot dog extra hard to fellate after you've made it through the beast of a check out line with the look of shame splayed across your pathetic face.
2. When you go out into social situations make sure to place a rubber band on your wrist to flick each time you want to bring it up. I find that I bring it up too much and yet I can't stop myself. Not only is it a way of laughing through the tears, but its also increasingly uncomfortable for my friends who revel in sweaty morning breath sex while I am sitting here sucking on a Butter Menthol in my undies typing this inane shite.
3. At the very least, try and compile a set list of songs that you can listen to and think of a much grander time when you were fucking absolute losers that you met over Tinder. While doing this, think of the last time you saw some action which involved a man lying face down on your bed completely naked with his finger in his mouth. As your face twists much like all the D-grade actors in The Ring who got fucked up by the little girl with the long hair, perhaps be thankful that a male version of Lena Dunham isn't wrapped up in the sheets you stole from your childhood home last time you were there eating BBQ pineapple.
4. Don't say things like "I would die to give a BJ" after a few wines. It makes everyone feel really weird especially when you say it with a Lord Gladstone burger hanging out of your mouth while simultaneously holding eye contact with a male co-worker. This is a low point. You definitely wouldn't die to do it, but you would probably supervise a day at an abattoir or the like. At the very least you would know where your burgers are coming from.
5. Quit hitting on hospitality workers. I know I reference this a lot, but jesus christ the sheer scale of bartenders who have been eye molested by me in the past year or so is disgraceful. There is just something about someone shaking your cocktail and probably the 45 beers you've had prior to rationalising that you can afford a cocktail which allows this to happen. Don't "throw shapes" at your local barista either. It is the fucking morning. You have no excuse except for watching hours of The X Files the previous night which we all know doesn't help anyone. Bloody Duchovny.
6. Don't contemplate going to Pokemon Go outings just to see if you can get some ass because statistically they would also be in the same boat as you.
7. Don't write to people on Tinder "Wanna fuq?" no matter how much you want to. Also, don't long for a dick so you can send it in a pic. I kind of get it now.
8. You may start having sex dreams about the weirdest people. Some homeless dude you saw get on a bus, your gay best friends, the guys behind Baseketball and South Park (to be fair that is a recurring one and Im not mad about it), a bottle of Aesop hand wash, some criminal you saw on a Louis Theroux documentary, Ed Sheeran, David Miscavige the leader of Scientology, the smoke stacks in Sydney Park that I can see from my bedroom balcony, a bottle of Yellowglen etc.
69. Don't stand in your yard with a milkshake crying.
10. Go to TOWN on yourself. After all, no one will love you the way you love yourself. Throw on some Chet Faker or Alanis Morissette- whatever your flavour might be. Personally, I can see the benefits of a bit of Craig David from time to time and let loose. I mean, what the fuck else are you going to do? Light a candle and enjoy that 3 minutes and 25 seconds like its the last on earth.
Remember that maybe one day: