So here we are in the second instalment of my series of musings from men around town about the ladies. Why am I doing this? I guess you could say that I am intrigued at the opinions of boys, or perhaps I want to show some girls out there that not all hope is lost. Maybe it is to shed some light on the dynamics we seem to be enthralled in and somewhat misinterpret from time to time. Or maybe its just fucking interesting. Whatever it may be, I hope you enjoy. Please let me know if you want to be involved. Be as graphic or controversial as you want, or go the other way and be as simple as a slice of apple pie, I dont mind. As long as its you who wrote it and you really mean it. TWO:
" I love that a girl can magically know the whereabouts of whatever you have misplaced as soon as you ask.
I hate that a girl can take 45 minutes to decide on what to wear for mundane things like getting Love Actually from Video Ezy or ducking out for some more skim milk.
I love when girls swear. In moderation of course. Not like the toothless lass pacing up and down Gossie station dropping more C-bombs than America did on the Taliban.
I hate when girls say one thing but mean something else which conveniently is in some secret code and no matter how you interpret it, you still get it wrong.
I love a girl's ability to make you feel like a man.
I hate that girls bring more drama to a situation then The Bold and The Beautiful.
I love ALL the sexy stuff.
I hate not knowing how a girl's mind works.
I love not knowing how a girl's mind works. It would be like walking into the 'ladies' dunnies at Woodport on a Wednesday night. Out of sight, out of mind.
At the end of the day you can love to hate girls, or you can hate to love them but you can't live without them. You could say that a guy and a girl are like the black and white cookie from Seinfeld."
I remember once a good friend of mine once said to me, "You know you are compatible with a woman if you can smell 'girl smell' on their doona" as he sniffed my bedding. I had always been intrigued with that statement and considered it a little diamond of an insight into the male mind. So here begins a series of musings from the minds of beloved males from my little old life. This is the first instalment from an anonymous source and it will open your eyes, hurt your cheeks and make you appreciate the intricate delicacies that makes being a man or a woman just so fucking lovely (or bad ass- depending on your gender).
Girls. Women… wow where do I begin. My good friend Jess asked me to write this article over a couple of drinks at a party, I thought it was pretty ridiculous/hilarious but I love her… especially her honesty and integrity which totally translates into her blog so here we go … I should also note the crazy part is I somehow I managed to convince said blogger that I’m a bit of a “casanova” (her words)– pretty good for a socially inept, non-athletic sci-fi nerd who went through a goth phase in high school.
Let me put it this way… I love chicks. Of all shapes and sizes… Being somewhat of an aesthete I appreciate beauty in all its forms. Beautiful music, beautiful food, beautiful men, beautiful clothes and of course beautiful women! I’m a straight guy – something I realised after a super awkward exchange in primary school one fateful day but I’m sure that sense of realisation is different for everyone and this article is not about sexual orientation.
I don’t consider myself overly superficial… I know what I like but I don’t necessarily have a type. I’ve dated and slept with many different types of girls, Middle Eastern girls, Asian girls, skinny girls, Ruebenesque girls, older girls, younger girls, girls who like to party, girls who don’t like to party, girls who like the same stuff I like and girls who don’t. For me the thing I love most about women is that primal natural raw beauty combined with a killer personality – it doesn’t require the perfect Angelina Jolie facial structure (I find that shit boring.) … It’s those little differences that are so sexy… a crooked tooth here, a little freckle there and an attitude to match.
I love girls who are strong willed and powerful and not afraid to put me in my place. There really is nothing sexier than a confident and intelligent woman. A great sense of humour is a real game changer too. I think that’s such a fundamental part of my life. I love to laugh and a girl who can laugh, be laughed at and laugh at me is just so satisfying!
I really didn’t want to include my mother in this article but she is definitely someone I really look up to in the sense of being a strong, intelligent woman – she broke through the glass ceiling in the 1980s and built a highly successful business from the ground up that to this day funds a lot of my indulgent interests (which I should probably pay for myself). She’s also looks after the family in pretty traditional way – many people would consider this last statement kind of sexist but I don’t mind a few of those values as long as there is absolute equality. There is nothing better than being looked after by your girlfriend when you’re tired, sick or just really pissed off.
Sex… Obviously everyone has different experiences and expectations but I love a girl who knows what she wants and is vocal about it. I’ve had some crazy sexual experiences and I’m fucking glad I’ve had the opportunity to go there. I know some dudes from high school I think still think could be virgins and that just sucks because sex is something to be enjoyed and if you ain’t getting it you definitely ain’t as happy as you should/could be. That’s just my opinion anyway.
One of the best sexual experiences I ever had in my life was with a girl that I had never really thought of in that way. I’d known her for years and one night I had this really intense dream about her and something just clicked in my head… I thought about her heaps for a few weeks and one night we ended up back at her place where I jokingly told her about my vision...coincidentally she had just started feeling the same way and we had amazing, intense and passionate sex… The power of the human mind man!
Girls are super complicated though – there are some really fundamental differences that are physiologically hard wired into us from birth I think. I’m a pretty neurotic, intense dude that would drive most people nuts but fuck me can girls do my head in sometimes. One of my ex girlfriends kicked me in the balls so hard once it was more painful than the time my hand was crushed in my fathers car boot, breaking every finger in my right hand (luckily it still works)… We are actually friends to this day but I remember it being over something really trivial, I hadn’t cheated on her, I didn’t buy stuff with her PayPal account – I think I just pushed her buttons so much she lost it and when girls lose it, I mean really lose it, I think they can be a lot more intense than guys can be. I’ll probably get flak for that statement (Chris Brown – what a fuckwit) but remember this is a personal piece and I’m speaking from my experience.
Overall I think the main thing I appreciate are those subtle and not so subtle differences that make women well, women. I love being a dude and one of life’s absolute and free pleasures is the ability to admire, know and be intimate with others. It rules.
So after last night, my definition of "sexy" has been redefined and reignited. Therefore this has resulted in me spending the day thinking about the Top 10 sexiest songs that I can conjure up (mainly from my iTunes library). Here they are, you may want to refer back to this post to play at your leisure while getting jiggy with your unidentified spouse after a big Saturday night out on the wangers.
1. Pala- FRIENDLY FIRES
The twittering birds will make you feel as if you are making sweet love in a rainforest (or the stage set for Lost). Mix this with breathy vocals and there you have a tune that can produce quivering eardrums and whatever else may quiver upon listening. This is for the people who insist on taking it nice and slow and prefer not to have a headboard banging..well...bang.
2. Use Me- BILL WITHERS.
This is the kind of song you will have sex to after you have just had a joint by candlelight and maybe you had a moment where you looked in each others eyes and decided to rip into one another. The weird thing is, maybe your parents might have boned to this song as well which can get awkward if you dad bursts in and declares, "OH THE MEMORIES!"
3. At A Loss- THE PRESETS.
The plus with this song is that the ripping bass line means you can really gain momentum and actually pump to the music. It stays pretty much the same the whole way through, so this is recommended for the men with stamina, god bless ya's. Having previously had sex to this song, I highly endorse it even though it is The Presets. (& no I didnt have sex at a Big Day Out or something while they were live show whores back in 07 & 08).
4. In Gadda Vida- IRON BUTTERFLY
Remember this from The Simpsons? I had to put it in, because not only is it something you would imagine people getting their rocks off to at Woodstock. The pure thought of Homer and Marge making out to this song will have you thinking you can do it too! Everyone loves some dirty guitar to get you in the mood, and this song delivers.
5. White Room- CREAM.
Personally, there is nothing like some drawn out electric guitar behind Eric Clapton's vocals to turn me on. You kind of forget what the song is even about when you become enthralled in the decadent electrics of the thing. I know I am coming out with some oldies but goodies, but shit I am sure there are some people out there who switch onto Mix 106.5 when they are feeling frisky. (Im a RAW FM kind of gal myself)
6. I Can't Get Next To You- AL GREEN.
This tune reminds me of a certain scene. The woman has gone back to the man's apartment to "look at some art" or "watch a movie" and he dims the lights, runs his hand through his hair and casually places this record on. He lightly twists to turn to her with two empty brandy glasses clinking in his slightly clammy hands. He is nervous and she is wondering if he is serious. He saunters over to her like a primitive mating dance and before you know it, Al Green has removed your undies and you have tripped and fallen on yet another dick. WHOOPS!
7. My Neck, My Back- KHIA.
RIIIIIIIGHT LADIES? This song is great because it can not possibly get straighter to the point. There haven't been many sonnets written about cunnilingus, but even if there were hundreds, this one would still be my favourite. "The best head comes from a thug", I have never met a thug but I will be sure to approve/disprove that theory upon meeting aforementioned thug. I also have never seen a woman "pop your pussy like this,". Now that is something I want to see! Although I am pretty sure girls that if you put this song on just before girl head, he will run for the hills.
8. Goodnight Tennessee- COLD WAR KIDS.
The deep bass in this one sets the scene before you can say, "You are the only ten I see." All the indie kids would be hitting it and quitting it right now to this ditty, its sexy and understated and doesn't really reference sex at all. This is what makes the song amazing, its subtly sensual and will definitely be a hit with your lady. Get some red wine, play this and see what happens, then thank me later.
9. Lullaby- THE CURE.
This one has kind of creepy vocals, but it will definitely send you to bed (but probably not to get some shut eye). Matter of fact, the vocals and lyrics make me feel like Spiderman might slink through my window and have sex with me while I am sleeping and as I wake in the morning I will be covered head to toe in a web with a fake number scrawled on my bedside table. Typical saturday night, really.
10. Let's Make Out- DOES IT OFFEND YOU, YEAH?
"I cant control myself, when I see you theres no one else, when I get down all by myself, you're the one that I think about." How can you argue with that? If a boy said that to me, I dont know about you, but I wouldn't be creeped out by the whole insinuating masturbation, I would completely fall for it! The song is gritty and urgent in its delivery, demanding and forceful in the best possible way. To put it blatantly, this song has throw down. & Who doesn't love a bit of a throw down?
I think that I can speak for a few girls when I say that I have been mislead by the hipster mask.
What is a hipster mask you may ask?
Its the uniform that has become really popular amongst the male species consisting of long locks, a black hat, pastel chinos and a button up.
Unfortunately, this becoming the male ideal has skewed the view of who is legitimately a babe and who is basking in the hipster mask.
I know on many occassion that a friend of mine or I have been checking out some dude with hair that somehow becomes entangled with his pubes because its so long and thinking "oh yeah sweet that is a totes babe and that" only for him to turn around and ...
Now, no disrespect to your lads just employing the look to get pussy (which I know a lot of you do- don't deny it...its worked hasnt it?) but for fucks sake its not fair to those chicks just wanting a somewhat smelly babe on top of them for 45 minutes!
Its become a hipster epidemic that any Tom, Dick or Harry can chuck on a velvet fedora and Bobs your uncle.
I often wonder if I could get a Hipster focus group together and actually graph the pussy snatching results in a defined period of time. Like how much puss they got when they had a Marty Simpson (circa 2004) pineapple cut versus Marty Simpson (circa 2012) with an old man river beard.
Many women find themselves hypnotised as the hips of a hipster sway back and forth like a paisley encrusted mermaid drawing the woman in with his apathetic attitude and extensive knowledge of underground music.
They become entangled in the web of the Indie dude as he talks for hours on end about his latest tattoo that somehow relates to Star Wars because being a nerd is cool again, finally! You all have Napoleon Dynamite to thank for that.
Ill bet you 20 cents (because thats all I have at the moment) that if you stripped back his septum piercing and GHD curled tresses, if you took off his casually slung cashmere sweater that has a necklace made of horse hair and a dugong's tooth caught in it, you would see him for what he really was. Just a man with a plan.
That plan may be anything from being the coolest motherfucker in any venue, or to be photographed looking like he couldn't give a fuck that he is being photographed, or to be knuckle deep in Lara Bingle.
We all have our life goals.
All I am saying, is that I have become a little bit wiser on the Hipster Mask, I think I can see through it- you aren't fooling me. But hey, you do seem to be fooling 98% of the female population- kudos.
This was just meant to serve as a general warning to the chick population, because unlike Jim Carrey- these dudes don't turn into a tornado when they put on their mask. They just sit on their phones and sip mojitos.
It seems that on the little old Central Coast we have a breed of women loitering about the streets with the sole intention of creating a ruckus.
This type of woman is known as a PLUT.
Why you ask? Because she frequents Terrigal Pub & if you are really clever you will replace the S of the Slut with P of the Pub. WORD TRICKS!
Here are some survival tips when you are out in the wild:
1. While sitting at the base of the stairs you can see up the PLUT's skirt and get a clear gynaecological view of their ovaries. This is a mating ritual of the PLUT. But be careful not to scare it away, offer a blue coloured refreshment and don't make eye contact.
2. If you suspect they are around 17 years old, but have the tits of a 38 year old waitress from Gosford, they are a PLUT.
3. If they motion with their hand indicating an illusion of fellatio, they are a PLUT. & you are IN, SON!
4. If you are standing in the women's bathrooms and there are a flock of PLUTS in your midst, you will be sure to hear something like this,
"BABE- WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT? OH MY GOD YOU LOOK SO HOT. NOW WHERE IS MY FUCKING MASCARA? to you: OI BABE DO YOU HAVE ANY MASCARA I CAN BORROWWWW? I THINK I DROPPED MINE IN THE TOILET. HE HE HE!"
Walk away slowly and if you want to be extra daring, employ a sort of Crocodile Dundee method of forming your hand into a lazy shakka and waving it in front of their face. If you have a ring on or any form of glitter, throw it into the air and let the pack devour it.
5. If you see one throwing a drink over another's head, back away. This is not the time to be a hero. You will only end up with some sort of Wittner strap around your neck. Notify your local security and let the professionals (!) take care of it.
6. If once exiting the pub, you notice flying chunks of hot dog meat, then you have disturbed the PLUT's feeding schedule. Shame on you. Run to the lake and jump in before the PLUT has time to catch you. Some say these PLUTs are fast like Cheetahs once their heels are off.
7. Never introduce yourself and call a suspect a PLUT. This will confuse them and possibly get their gorilla boyfriend to knock you out. No one wants to see you get your ass handed to you in front of some paddle boats. Those two elements just don't go hand in hand.
8. If you do fall for the mating rituals of the PLUT (screaming, squealing, binge drinking, minimal clothing, erotic facial expressions and an incredible mating dance involving ass cheeks just skimming the kahlua spilt on the DF) then for fucks sake please keep yourself protected. Wear a helmet, ski mask and knee pads when in the boudoir.
So now you should be well equipped for your rockin Friday night at Terrigal Pub.
Good luck while on Safari and make sure to get all your injections.
That didn't happen did it? Oh my god does this mean I actually DO want to have sex with Tony Abbott? FUCK, Am I a lesbian now because I dreamt about going down on Kerri Anne Kennerly while she was wearing a sequin red g string? No...NO! Its not true! This dream didn't happen and I cant even really remember it, you know what they say- if you cant remember it- it didn't happen, right?
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No darling, it did happen. You did dream about the guy who worked at Maccas drive thru taking you by the hand and showing you how to put it down. Accept this fact and you may move on to the following step.
2. ANGER
I am such an idiot! Why do I even have these subconcious thoughts skating around my head making me think about what it would be like to get it on with someone I had never even thought of before! You are a fucking whore, brain and I hate everything that you have to offer at the moment. We aren't on speaking terms at the moment, you can go fuck yourself- oh wait you already did. Fucking slut of a brain!
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3. BARGAINING
Look brain, I will make sure to read a book once a month and do a few crosswords if you just forget that even happened. I wont do MDMA this weekend and punish you and I promise I will get up extra early to go to uni and eat heaps of tuna. If you just keep your fucking mouth shut and don't let anyone know that I dreamt about hotdogging the cast of Packed to the Rafters. Please brain, let me be and don't remind me I motorboated Lisa Curry Kenny while I was dozing.
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4. DEPRESSION
Oh man, this is so depressing, I haven't had real sex in so long that I am now dreaming about getting knuckle deep with Mal Meninga. Brain- You can't even come up with some sort of dreamboat for me to fornicate with. Of course, I couldn't even get Mal Meninga- I don't know enough about footy. Damn it.
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5. ACCEPTANCE
Hey, you know what? At least I got some action last night! OOOH YYEAAHHH killin it! I made Brian McFadden my bitch! & Who cares if I had a dream about Magda Subanski, turns out she would be into it anyway. Its cool, No one else knows about what I dreamt about so who cares?
