Friday, February 22, 2013


Generally, the majority of the wonderful people who read this are inherently cool. & if you are one of those people you will probably click out of this page right now because you don't give a fuck what is cool or not, right?


Everyone wants to look cool. Don't act like you don't. Even if it is not what the majority thinks is cool right now (bindis, deep house, goon sacks and internet language/memes), you will still find yourself adhering to a certain group in which you deem RAD.

Now, I am not ragging on you for doing such. I don't really give a shit. See what I did there?

Anyway, here is a misguided, hopeless and most probably pretentious guide on how to be cool (or just a decent human):

1. Don't have an Internet personality and a 'real life' personality.
If anyone has met me, they will know that the way I typety type type on this thing is the exact same way I talk in real life. In other words, like a drunken truck driver with too many opinions. Don't be a keyboard warrior saying obnoxious and often offensive things through the net and then not having the cajones to back it up when you are strolling down the street. It makes you look like a bigger pussy than Garfield.

2. Don't be a pretentious fuckwit.
Don't speak with an accent. It's so weird. Be a humble fuck, that is the kind people remember and want to hang out with. People who talk solely about their own escapades make me bored out of my brain. We are living in a narcissistic world that only seems to become more and more fickle by the day. Enjoy your life, don't make it everyone else's business to enjoy it for you. I for one don't look at a chick with a coffee cup and a cigarette as the be all and end all of style. Fuck, shes just having a dart and mediocre latte, let her get on with her day. Don't tweet about how cool she looks chaining a sigourney weaver, shes just stanging for a durb- let her smoke in peace.

3. Don't live your life by the pages of a magazine.
You'll spend all your money at Marnie Skillings and then by the next season you'll be sitting naked on your bed crying into the fabric wondering why you don't have any money for enchiladas that week. Magazines are fickle bastards, they will coax you into consuming anything you can and then by the next month you won't have anything to Instagram as you have taken to stripping to afford the lavish lifestyle you think that you have, when really you are getting your norks out for faschion. Alex Perry would never approve of that shit.

4. Don't be a social climber.
I always say that if someone has their head too far up their own ass, by the time they pry it from the darkest reaches of their rectum, none of their true friends will be around to see it. No one likes a drifter. Stick to who your true friends are, regardless of how cool you deem a bunch of people to be at the time. It's obvious to everyone what you are doing and no one likes to see someone else desperately clutching at the bottom of the social beanstalk.

5. DO be a friendly fucker.
Something my friends and I have noticed lately (and I cant decide whether or not this is sad) is that we are so appreciative of people who are friendly, warm and welcoming. I went to a party not long ago in the city in which every single person there was keen to get to know someone new. As an attendee who did not know a lot of the people there, it was noted how friendly people make for a great, memorable time. No one likes the dude in the akubra who just can not seem to find his papers, let alone someone he deems "interesting" to talk to.

6. Make a dick of yourself.
Yeah I went to a bush doof and yeah Bellato took his shirt off and danced with some menacing looking trees but who gives a fuck. It was hilarious and cemented memories for years to come. I always enjoy the person who is willing to make a fool of themselves and remove that constant nagging of correcting your behaviour in order to appear 'cool'. I think the coolest people are the ones who don't take themselves so seriously and have the ability to look like the biggest dick in a sea of muted mahns.

7. Keith Richards.
My motto is 'If Keith Richards is still alive, then why not?'. Live your life like Keith. Throw nervous energy and negativity to the wind. No one is better than anyone else. Fuck, I mean Keith even snorted his dad's ashes- he REALLY doesn't give a fuck. Do things that make your own life better (or worse) on your own terms, don't make it everyone else's problem. I don't really condone living your life like Keith Richards because then imagine the retiring homes when we are 80. Everyone will be snorting their roommates ashes, drinking whiskey and chain smoking flavoured cigarettes.....

Sounds like a party to me!

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