So much so, that yesterday afternoon I yelled at a woman on the train who made me move my humungous bag onto my lap as she wanted to sit next to me instead of the man behind me.
I then managed to drop my MX and get the shits at the speed of light to which I grabbed my stuff and said "im sorry i can not do this" and moved across the seats to a lone middle seat....you know what...fuck it, that has nothing to do with why I was so pissed off yesterday.
So as to not put anyone in the lurch here I will be ambiguous at the beginning, but then get to the point so bear with me.
I was doing a creative thing for a thing you look at, and I went in there, guns blazing excited about the prospect of being a feature for a day.
To which I immediately felt uncomfortable, and not because they were stripping me of everything that represents who I am, but the way they went about it as well.
Accusing me of not adhering to their "standards".
Calling me "eccentric" and labelling my style as "dramatic"
Not only did this hurt my feelings but it shattered something within me, that I think will take a while to piece back together again.
My sense of self.
Now I know, you are thinking..."she must have no sense of self to begin with, being that it shattered to easily."
But it has been a long long time coming, with a constant stream of comments noticing things about me, which I do not welcome and try to ignore.
But yesterday just was the straw that broke the camel with short hair and winged eyeballs back.
I know you should be proud of who you are and the way you present yourself to society. It is a basic issue that should be a choice you make, not one that is constantly thrown into the limelight and snickered at.
I dont mind being asked innocent questions such as "why do you do yourself up like that?"
But when I am made to look like every fucking cookie cutter girl out there for the sake of a "reputation" is when it makes me sick to my stomach.
What has become so wrong about being who you are?
Whether it be a huge goth wandering around Camdentown or a bookworm rattling about your university campus.
Each to their fucking own.
I am tired of the things that are different not being celebrated.
It is a sense of ignorance and compliance that is actually welcomed in society, bashing the ones who dont look like you do- out of insecurity.
It is a grim reality that the ones who try to spice up the world (not referring to myself, but rather to the greater public who adhere to this notion) will not be accepted and loved for who they are and what they represent.
I dont give a flying fuck if you are a mormon in a collared shirt and a black tie knocking on my door at 8am Sunday morning, just as long as you keep my name out yo mouth we can keep it the same.
It is a reality that even though I know it is true, I am so reluctant to accept that it is alive and well everywhere I go.
Especially in Terrigal. The parade of abuse that comes not only my way, but to others I know about how they are dressed and the way they behave is astounding and can hurt.
Words actually do hurt and can change a person's outlook on many things, even if they seem that it has been shook off.
In the past few weeks I have learnt that the things I say are sometimes mean spirited and demeaning to people who are just trying to live their lives the best way they know how and perhaps I should shut the fuck up just as much as the boy in the beery on the weekend who called me a slut. or a man. or a freak.
Besides, we are all misfits....just depends on how you judge it.