Its been a while. Soz.
After some time neglecting this blog, I have gained some life perspective that I just couldn't not share with you because I just know how you are all desperately wading through life like its a bowl of hommus, but you just can't seem to find your lavosh cracker. Well here I am, your cracker with no clue guiding you blindly into the abyss with shit life advice and an abundance of inappropriate references you may have to google and then be disappointed by.
So strap yourselves in for a fucking stupid ride through some life lessons that I have seemed to learn and hopefully you will come away with this being infinitely dumber and just a little bit sluttier.
1. Stand by your drunk texts.
Who gives a fuuuuuuccckkkk hey. If someone is that dim they can't gauge that you may be 86 shandys deep when you throw them a winky emoji at 2:45am, then that is their loss. Whatever embarrassing thing you may have written, EG: talking about BJs with your close male friend, or expressing your deep lust with a picture of a dugong- at least you were thinking about that person and they should be fucking stoked because majority of the time no one thinks about anyone but themselves.
2. Dont EVER let anyone make you feel like a slut for sexing them on the first date/meeting/eye contact.
Casual sex is one of life's little joys in which you can easily slip in and out (EW) and not have to deal with those pesky emotions that usually occur between whatever sex blows your hair back. Not everyone wants to be married/in a relationship/ taken out for a nice meal. Sometimes people just want to fuck and thats absolutely fine. This doesn't define who they are as a person or what type of undies they wear. For all you know they could be wearing a pair of Looney Tunes boxer shorts underneath that mini skirt, but you will never know if you keep up this archaic view of women be sluts and men be legends. Its old. Boring.
3. Start talking to strangers more.
A sexy girlfriend of mine has complained to me many a time of how dudes just don't seem to be on the hunt anymore. No dudes speak to her and she finds she has to be the one to go out fishing. This is such a weird concept for chicks. Let me explain why- the thing is as single women we have to deal with Tinder being such a lazy fucking option that inevitably the scene becomes lazy. Surprisingly you can't fuck your iPhone. So bitches be shopping for a man, approach said man, man has girlfriend, approach another man, gets looked at like a crazy person/stalker, retreats back into corner and sips vodka lime soda. Maybe this is the way it is, or maybe we as women have become somewhat entitled to feeling desired? Who knows, all i know is fuck all.
4. WebMD will almost always make you think you have AIDS.
5. Eat your Oportos double fillet bondi burger like no one is watching.
6. If you have followed your dreams for 5 fucking years and still no one is paying you for it, keep going.
7. Most dudes with beards are hiding something. Almost always, their weak jawlines.
8. I can't wait for all the late 90s shit to go out of trend and for everyone who was actually present and with it when it first came in to hate themselves all over again for giving in to the tattoo choker necklaces and shit and to slowly pluck their butterfly clips out of their hair one by one and shed a glitter tear for each plastic one.
9. A skinny bitch cocktail is actually a vodka lime soda. I made a dick of myself at a bar in the city recently and I just can't seem to shake the look of disgust in that bartender's eye as I argued with him about what it was when I actually didn't really know. Theres a lesson, just fucking own up to shit you don't know. I had the best burger there and now I can't go back because of my stubborn yet sexy attitude.
10. If you're growing your hair out (like I am) just bite the bullet and watch yourself transform from a whole range of 90s alternative lead singers. I was in the Gavin Rossdale of Bush stage, then in the Brandon Boyd 'Morning View' album stage, now slowly sliding into Dave Navarro when he played with the Chili Peppers. FINGERS CROSSED for the final stage: Eddie Vedder circa 1991.
11. For christ's sakes start watching Broad City and Inside Amy Schumer. If you want to get a deeper insight into how chicks actually are, these two shows will open your eyeballs to all of that and more.
12. Learn to say NO when you really don't want to do something. I mean if you are half assed about it, then maybe say YES because you might actually enjoy it. Like cronuts. But if you really can't be fucked then just say no. Because really the only opinion that truly matters is the one you have about yourself.
13. Stop posting bikini shots.
We get it, you're a rig. Fuck.
14. Try and do anything to maintain the rig. We are in a digital age people, your Insty can only gauge 10% of your personality. Remember that.
15. If you can, scream sing anything by John Farnham with your friends on Australia Day. It is more of a stress reliever than any form of Xanax or sex. You would be surprised, plus it makes for a great bagpipe solo, which my friends can attest to.
16. Save all of your money and then buy something stupid like a blow up paddle pool, 56 glittery lighters or the rights to someone's virginity online. This is shit you can't get away with when you're in your 30s.
17. Stop reading all of those numbered lists online. They are stupid...oh wait.
18. An iced vovo can make a beautiful hat.
19. When you're feeling lonely just listen to some Ja Rule and remind yourself why you ever were born in the first place. To sit, eat a schnitzel and listen to some Murder Inc. Oh yeah, and drink so much cheap alcohol that you can't open your eyes the next morning as they are glazed over in a fine film of sweat, regret, and tabouli.
20. If all else fails, just pretend to know what you're doing. The fuckers will never find out.
Now go forth, be all you can be in this bizarre world of likes, political opinions, and marijuana fuelled ambiguity. This is your life, take it by the sweaty balls.