LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, YOU GUYS. Some days you wake up, boil an egg, call a mate, have a wank, go to sleep. Other days, people shit all over your heart/mind/body (depending on how much you pay them). These days can be particularly hard to get through and can leave you wishing that you indeed did live on Sesame Street, although I don't really agree with your logic because it would be about half a minute before I shoved Elmo's cookie up his own ass (YES I KNOW ITS THE COOKIE MONSTER I AM JUST TRYING TO APPEAR COOL AND GROWN UP BY PRETENDING I DON'T KNOW THE INTRICATE DETAILS OF SESAME STREET WHEN IN FACT I FEEL AS THOUGH I COULD DRAW A TO SCALE DIAGRAM OF THE FUCKING PLACE).
Whatever, I am totally into beards, whiskey and sucking some fuckwit's dick to prove how much I am into Foals.
Anywho, I digress as usual. Here is a compilation of some of the most necessary tunes to switch on when you obviously go through these really common life situations. You are welcome, in advance.
1. WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE OF THE PERSON YOU JUST HAD SEX WITH WHO YOU REALLY LIKE/ REALLY NEEDED TO REBOUND WITH.
You walk out of there. Usually with your fucked up heels in hand and your mascara dripping down your noseholes. You stretch your cankles in victory at the conquest you managed to accomplish with such aplomb that the entire cast of Made In Chelsea would be appalled at your elegance. The build up of this song reflects the way you shimmy on out of his screen door with ciggie burn holes in it, and as it slams behind you, tapping you softly on the ass as a secret "YOU DID IT!", if an object could congratulate that is, you fly off into the hot summer wind as the percussion increases. Suddenly you are guitar solo'ing into your hungover future as you wait for Wayne your taxi driver to roll up hopped up on No Doze and wanting to chat about his missus the whole way home. You stare out the window and pat yourself on the back as the soft choral vocals of Night Ranger drift into the remnants of your crusty pantaloons (that you have stashed in your wallet).
2. WHEN YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR LOVE AND DECIDE TO RIDE AROUND TOWN WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
Oh yeah? You think your life fucking sucks? Try being Ja Rule circa now. Ok, so Ja Rule circa 2003 was fucking incredible. I am 98% sure he bedded some Ashanti ass. Now that is saying something. But dude, your relationship is like 2003. A shining moment when you had everything you wanted, even a faux fight with Eminem to boost your profile. You had pussy coming out yo ears, pussy that even R Kelly couldn't get. But then you may have evaded your relationship much like Ja did with his taxes and you have ended up in heartbreak hotel aka the worst kind of prison imaginable. Throw this ditty on and remember the good times. Those times when the reign wasn't calling murder, but rather Toto was singing 'Africa' without some cryptic rapping in between that leaves you wondering how reign can rain, let alone how the reign can manifest an actual voice in which to call "murder".
3. WHEN YOU MASTURBATE.
Okay, so I am going to have to get gender specific right now, or more woman specific and pretty much what I think men choke the chicken to. HAHA, I have always wanted to use that in a sentence. Life goals, ay.
Would 100% masturbate to this track. No, its not the fucking beard you kooks. The fucking beard is like the fucking wind, I know it is there but I can't see it. Ridiculous. I mean, Chet certainly has something going for him, personally I believe it is because he embodies some weird American Indian vibe that means he can be a conduit for babes everywhere for ladies to wet their panties to. He should be called Chet Running Tree or some shit if you ask me. Chicks would totally light their coconut and lime scented Glasshouse candle, crack open the double A b8rez they bought in woolies with their kale and muesli bites acting all innocent like they need them to replace a remote (HA bullshit), then they would run home, make a kale bullshit bullshit, pour themselves a glass of organic red wine and let loose. And god bless em for it.
I dunno. It just makes sense to me. All guys seem to love this song and most guys I know have a penchant for a stir fry, so this shit makes sense to me. You aren't writing this, I am and there is something so aggressive about this track that eventually makes you hate yourself and lie in your own sweat and shame, that it just fit. There is just something so 'Metal' about male masturbation.
4. SONG TO PUT ON DURING A ONE NIGHT STAND.
There really is nothing demure or coy about this song. In fact, it holds some handy tips for your disgusting one night stand. Not only is the chorus super catchy but the lyrics are sombre and hold a deeper meaning, literally. You guys aren't there to fuck around (or maybe you are?). Put your hands on the balls ladies, and figure out why Eazy E was such a playa back in the day. On a truly honest note this song is one of my guilty pleasures and truly one of the most heinous songs in history. Give it a listen, just make sure your parents are out of the room (advice I also give to you planning one night stands).
5. THE SONG TO PLAY WHEN YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING HAPPY.
Nothing screams happiness like Band Of Horses. The country twangs. The swelling percussion. The flowing guitar riffs. There is something so beautiful about their music and the general feeling they can give even the most devo of people. Just listen to this track, you can almost feel the wind going through your hair as you open the window of your Mazda 2 and you pass by Grafton Hungry Jacks on your way up north. There is really nothing like letting music take you on a journey to the holy grail of happiness that resides deep in the recesses of your working, living, crying, laughing soul. Fuck everything else, this is something that no matter where you may end up in your life (or if you are grappling with where you may ever end up), at least you know that when you get home your old pal music is there to guide you through any fucked up situation you may find yourself in.
ROCK AND ROLL!