Thursday, June 12, 2014


If you are like me and have graduated with a degree after slogging it out at your respective University campuses amongst sipping goon and deriving nicknames with meanings that would make the dirtiest sailor blush, you may find yourself completely qualified yet still aching to find someone to employ you.

You are completely capable of any sort of employment (if it doesn't involve Quantum Physics) but still NO, you can't seem to find any sort of work in the field of the degree that you studied for. Chances are, you studied Communications.


I've been a good little intern for the better part of four years, so with that much experience, surely I would have scored a well paying job by now, or at least an entry level position? WRONG.

Here are some helpful tips to aid the tedious, lonely days of unemployment.

1. Tell yourself you are going to learn a new language. Hey, even if you don't ever look up any sort of Thai phrasing, you can still hold that within yourself and it will be great to tell your roommates when they eventually arrive home from work. Keep your iphone at the ready, if they ask you to spout the phrases that you have learned that day and hope to christ they don't know the actual pronunciation of the word. You will look as though you aren't just slumming it and that you still have brain capability despite the 50 bongs you smoked just to get through the day.

2. Practice your best Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band knee slide. Chuck on your socks and make this a common practice from around 10:30am-12 (the hours between breakfast and lunch). You will work up an appetite while keeping those ass cheeks in tact babe. You know what unemployment can do to a girl, it can make cunts that you don't care about tell you how you should look to be sexually desirable. Because that's all us girls want, to be sexually desirable. Thanks so much for saying so babe. Here is your inspiration for those knee slides [WATCH IT, SERIOUSLY] (pop 'Dancing In The Dark' on while doing so):

3. Maybe you should look into starting your own business. I know many times a Terrigal Car Boot Market has been enough to tide me over but think bigger than that. But for the love of GOD don't start another fucking fashion blog. I honestly don't understand those things, or who buys into those things- but hey, I also don't understand how people don't like Rage Against The Machine. I tell you what we need more of? We need more people going out to clubs, pubs, and raves and critiquing the dance moves of the punters inside. That shit would be hilarious.

4. Make a weekly bucket list. It can be anything from learning how to make a delicious schnitzel to finally egging your ex-boyfriend's car. Perhaps it may include shaving your head while watching American History X or touching yourself while watching Dr.Phil. Whatever tickles your fancy, no one is home because they are out making a living so no judgement.

5. Learn the entire lyrical component to Shaggy's back catalogue and make it your business to slip it casually into conversation without anyone noticing.

6. Write shit reviews on Trip Advisor for all the places who knocked you back after the interview process under  the name 'Ken Done', then go paint a fucking picture of your feelings.

7. Ask yourself why you aren't as successful as Rihanna even though you are the same age as her, then go buy 16 sausage rolls and eat them all without taking a breath while crying over a framed picture of your University Degree and listening to 'Pon De Replay'. Still not sure what that even means.

8. Learn to play the bongos, grow your hair really long, and take up fire breathing. Keep yourself this way for a few months then rock up to a social event cleanly shaved and in a three piece suit and introduce yourself under another name. Keep this going until someone realises then socially ostracise them from the group.

9. Start jotting down all the great points about how right now are the glory days, then put them in a time capsule and plan to open it when you are 85 and sitting on a porch somewhere drinking peach iced tea.

10. Dress up in traditional colonial garb, go down to The Rocks and pretend to the tourists that you are from the past and you are looking for the time portal back to 1789.

11. Tattoo a picture of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's face on your back, take a photo of it, upload it to Facebook and friend request them. Then sit back, sip on your Yakult and wait.

12. Write a convicted criminal a letter. Way funner than Tinder.

13. Create your own conspiracy theory website about any topic. Literally any topic or moment from history and watch The Daily Mail cover it.

14. Think about joining the Australian Federal Police and then realise that you must have a manual license to join, forget about it, and secretly practice chicken winging perpetrators on your teddy bears while screaming, "GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!"

15. Don't bother following any of this advice at all, just spend your days refreshing your e mail, smoking cigarettes, and listening to 'Night Moves' on repeat. 

Sometimes you just have to take solace in the fact that tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

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