Wednesday, April 30, 2014


With the excessive exposure that we as humans have to social media, we have become a little bit cynical to our fellow man, especially when doused in ‘X PRO II’. My Instagram feed ranges from those who only post pictures of themselves or others out on the turps or I have the pleasure of eyeballing some huge titties in bralettes at JUST the right angle.

It seems my friends are following the same types of people. Over many a cheap wine we have discussed the types of people who come under certain categories defined by how they are received by the opposite or same sex. It is here I will delve into those categories and explain them each, leaving you to wonder what type of food are you?

DISCLAIMER: Now I realise this is all very shallow, but welcome to this site. Fuck it.


A dude or a chick defined as a schnitzel is one who appeals to all types of people. She/ he is a regulation hottie. They will catch the eye of your fixie riding, tattoo laden, akubra toting hipster and will also have the buff stereosonic types gagging for a go. The reason behind the schnitzel name is that everyone loves a fucking schnitzel. When there is a schnitzel special going on down at your local, there is no way you will opt for the $30 steak, am I right? A piece of delicious schnitzel is an all rounder, one that satiates all kinds of people, and looks great doused in gravy. Don’t be shy in admitting you are a schnitzel, sometimes you are just such a raging babe that all men/women run to you like you are shelter on a stormy day. There is no shame in this, these people exist and they are walking among you every day. Although sometimes I feel sorry for a schnitzel as all forms of people usually bother them, many of who do not appeal to them. Having to bat away suitors with a timber log must be tiring for them and I really think we should have some sort of half marathon to combat the ever-rising perils of a schnitty.


Mushrooms aren’t just a delicious option while slathering up your schnitty. Mushrooms are people too, you know. They are the gentle medium between a schnitzel and a sushi. They appeal to the general public but then again there are some people who are just like, “Ta, but seeya”. This is explained by the fact that mushrooms are generally well liked. Vegetarians and people who like to shell out for a big breakfast especially enjoy them. While a mushroom may not exactly catch the attention of every man and his dog, they definitely produce some serious neck cricks from perving and the like. When checking out a mushroom, you will know that you are attracted to them, but may not realise why. Until later on when you wake up from your weird sex dream about them, and then you realise that this is the reason that mushrooms produce wild hallucinations. People will still tag their mates on their instagram photos, although perhaps instead of needing a timber log, the mushies can get away with beating off the babes with some kindling.


Now sushi is certainly a lovely choice for lunch. It’s light, refreshing and comes with wasabi. However, if you are a sushi then you may not be getting all of the attention you want from every person you meet. While discussing these categories, I would like to add, the original discussion only consisted of schnitzels and snails. However, we quickly discovered that this assessment wasn’t fair and we had to create some sort of middle ground to cover all bases. A sushi is the tender little middle ground between what everyone deems as babe’n and those people who have a particular sense of taste. A sushi is a type of girl/boy who may fit a particular style. For example, your Sarah Blasko types or your dudes who are running a look similar to those in Blur. Seems like every guy is at the moment, but that’s beside the point. The point being that if you are a sushi, you do pretty well and you aren’t particularly bothered by the masses. This will probably lead you to kissing/boning those who you are also attracted to. A fellow sushi perhaps? We all have our PBs.


So what category do you fit under Jess? Well, here it is. I know I am a snail, I have said this for years, and the reason has always stayed the same when people ask why, I simply reply, “Because I am an acquired taste”. Surprisingly it doesn’t mean that I slay it with French men. Although, I’m sure Manu might eye fuck me if he has had one too many pinots. Snails are those people who definitely do not appeal to the masses; in fact the majority may even find them a little confusing. But the people, who froth on a snail, REALLY froth on a snail. They make it their mission to try a snail. If you are a snail, you may be a woman who has been called “sir” a couple of times, or you may be a guy who gets called some sort of homophobic slur on a regular basis. Jokes on those dicks because meanwhile you are slaying it with the minority. Everyone loves an underdog, don’t they? If you are a snail, then you will know because you have been asked multiple times to give out your friends numbers/told to move seats so the courter may be closer to a non-snail/pashed some serious babes in your time/been the one who chases.

So I hope I have given you some sort of fucked up insight into my head. But I suppose if you are reading this, you would have already known that I love a metaphor- especially when it comes to babes. Plus, lets be honest all food is delicious….except onions. If you are an onion I will swipe to the right on Tinder.

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