Thursday, October 31, 2013


You know what? I feel really fucking sorry for all these fucking kids nowadays who have jack shit to look up to or enjoy. I dont give a shit if I sound over the hill in that previous sentence either.

I was born in 1988 and at the time The Pretty Woman Soundtrack was going off and people had just started to see the effects of cocaine on business savvy execs. This is what I assume anyway.

Now while we may have had an embarrassing childhood with the likes of Devon Sawa and Melissa Joan Hart (which no matter how hard you try, I will never see Clarissa Explains It All as a fucking fashion icon- I will not wear one of those god forsaken floppy hats you can get fucked), but I will tell you what, I will never take back those formidable years of a young woman's life- also known as the Teenage years.

For me, it was around 2001-2006 in which I would consider myself a "teenager". 19 is such a bullshit age and you can guarantee every fuckwit 19 year old right now is saying,


I did it, you did it too.

But the sad news for those with breast buds in the year of 2013 is the likes of Miley Cyrus' shaved puss pulsating in your face, re-tweeting shit quotes with ambiguous referencing, Instagramming their lunch box or measuring the likes they get on their physical appearance or intelligence. There is shite TV, Skrillex is a cunt and you don't need to be on a diet.

Once again, I am assuming this.

I believe I have achieved that ripe age of 25 where I am delusional in the fact that I believe that I am over the hill and can reflect fondly on the time I had as a teenager.

You remember that time right? JUST on the cusp of when the Black Eyed Peas sold out, you remember legitimately being/seeing emos, you were a Marissa or a Summer or a Seth or a Ryan or a Sandy Cohen (maybe that was just me?) Anyway, here is my compilation of some of the best shit that ever came out from when I first started smooching dudes and dry humping:


We had Ali G In Da House which allowed the INC to be shown in true boombastic form. Here I would like to show you my myriad of Ja Rule feat Ashanti songs that have a dear spot in my heart but I will have to just settle with one (had to go the explicit version too):


I remember spending many a summer evening driving around Saratoga and Kincumber listening to Dash loudly and singing every word like my life were to end if I dropped the melancholy note. Every single lyric seemed to penetrate your soul and completely relate to every aspect of your life. Feelings were just felt so much harder back then! Or at least thats what we told ourselves as we clutched our silver goon bags to our chest and fled The Shark Tower with red tongues, stained from cheap underage alcohol concoctions.




We found out kids were getting just as fucked up as we were although we didn't have daddy's range rover to high tail it round to our dealer's house. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley would always remind us of a burning Mega Mansion and if we ever needed to impress a girl we learned we could tell the chick that we, "stole a car....crashed it".

Death Cab For Cutie were put on our turquoise Ipod mini's which took us 6 months to properly figure out how the fuck to use.

We yearned for a modern day love story much like Marissa and Ryan and Volcheck and Johnny and that other weird guy who hosted the NYE bash and Finley Quaye's 'Dice' magically swayed our brains for the rest of our existence. We all picked who we were. We fucking did, don't deny it.

We will forever be reminded of when Trey got shot when Imogen Heap's song, 'Hide & Seek' plays.
We want to secretly go to T.J to O.D in an alley.

And when Marissa died it was the talk of the town over choc chip muffins and off oranges.

The OC will always be a mirage of what was, and we still hope Ryan stayed on the straight and narrow with his construction job and try and forget when Summer went all hippie. This is real people, and you know it to be true.


A great majority of my friends have been to an Incubus concert, and a great majority still name them as one of their all time favourite bands.

MORNING VIEW MAN! You can't tell me you didn't ponder about which subjects to choose for your senior years without having at least one session to Aqueous Transmission?

We all relate to the five-piece like they were our older brothers, fashioning the perfect make out session and the ultimate alternative rock to find yourself to. Even I wanted to take up surfing and get a koi fish tattoo to show my utter devotion to the band.


Remember these? I think Corey Worthington personally ruined this notion for future generations. I remember being told about these shin digs and taking them completely seriously. Open House? I will be there whether or not I have ever seen the host's face before or not.

Drinking disgusting pre packaged bourbons and kissing the dudes at the party who most resembled Brandon Boyd.

The dude who was drinking passion pop and eventually found an acoustic guitar out of nowhere only to start strumming 'Cailin' by Unwritten Law or 'Wonderwall' by Oasis.

Lying to your parents about alcohol and even stashing the remnants in the bushes of your front yard in a back pack, thinking that somehow the backpack will take on the colours of the shrubbery like some sort of cloth chameleon.

Swilling from goon sacks and dancing to Paul Kelly. The weirdo who gets serious and draws a weapon. The constant threat of "THE COPS" and 6 packs of double blacks.

Before Facebook had events, we were running with word of mouth which produced some of the most thumping box socials the Coast had ever seen. Somehow we got our hands on underage alcohol and there was ALWAYS a fight, or at least talk of a fight.

A time for the potent potion of adolescence to collide and drink pre mixed lemony drinks with the pure intention of fucking with the law. Driving recklessly on your red P's and listening to anything but house music. Cheezels and snakes were always out on a sogged plastic tablecloth and for some reason, that staple always rang true. We were so bad ass.

Ahhh....the good ol days.

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