Now you must have noticed the inevitable hype surrounding the Season Finale of Breaking Bad lurking on your Twitter feed, right? Well, I know each and every one of us has a little bit of Heisenberg buried down deep inside and this a short guide on how to break bad while sipping your morning latte, with almond milk of course.
1. For Christ’s sakes wear a hat. Doesn’t have to be a nifty little pork pie one like Cranston sports in the series, but at least a leather snapback will do fine. Peer your caffeine craving eyeballs from underneath the rim and order a poached egg on multigrain in your deepest octave. Watch the staff squirm.
2. As you take your seat, slam your fists on the wooden table and slink deeply into your chair that probably won’t have a back. Dude, life is hard when you are this bad ass, you may experience some lower back twangs- but hey, this is what life in the fast lane is all about.
3. Scatter your chipotle/tomato sauce mix all around your plate so it looks like blood, giving the wide-eyed barista a scathing look as you do. You know he is scared, you kind of are too- I mean who wouldn’t get the memo that bad shit is about to go down with that kind of display of reckless abandonment of social norms. Make sure when you leave the establishment you leave your bacon in the shape of a ‘52’, just to let them know how many hours you have spent streaming that show online.
4. Keep dropping meth related jargon into casual conversation with those surrounding you. Something like, “Wow, I could sure go for some more ICE in my acai berry smoothie” Or “I’d like some smoked salmon with my eggs, actually I amphetaMEAN one half of an avocado”.
5. As you walk out from the café (in which you will most likely never be welcome in again), head to your car while making eye contact with all the patrons. Open the boot of your car, throw some shredded paper onto the asphalt, and then speed away.
Hopefully this guide will be the first step to your recovery from such a consuming series such as the great Breaking Bad, but for Gods sakes kids, SAY NO TO DRUGS!