Saturday, July 14, 2012
OLDER & WISER #11.
1. The game 'Never Ever' can possibly be the biggest cock block when played in the wrong atmosphere. You will find out shit about people that you never knew before like who has taken the red freeway, or who has engaged in a two dudes, one girl threesome. Hilarious, yet dangerous. Kind of like Bill Murray.
2. If you are copping second base off a dude and it feels like he has taken on the mentality of Mike Tyson with your unmentionables. Just tell him what to do, he wants to know and he will be forever grateful for the life lesson.
3. Girls, dont be offended if a boy directs you in the proper way of producing a wristy. How do you think DJ Wristy became so famous down at White Revolver? Because he was giving all those Bondi chicks tips on how to flick it the right way.
4. Sometimes the art of being a gentleman isn't right in the wrong circumstances. Sometimes a girl wants you to be like a big ol comanchero with her in the sack, rather than Luther Vandross. The same rule of thumb applies to men that it does to women- all men want a lady in the parlour and a whore in the bedroom.
5. Start saying 'Big Ol' Dick'. It is hilarious and must be said with a slight drawl.
6. When out in a social setting, no one should bring up anything to do with that room that holds the toilet. Especially in front of chicks, ESPECIALLY in front of chicks you want to bang. Because chances are when you are heaving on top of her, that image will flash into her mind and she will begin to produce a Charlize Theron in 'Monster' performance.
7. There is always at least one heavy breather in Pilates class. It is weird, and sounds like you are in hour 15 of labor.
8. FBi Social is actually one of the best venues I have been to this year. Its free, has epic tunes and no drink lines. Get down there.
9. I sometimes wonder if one day, all the offspring from the Central Coast in 10 years time will all be slightly related.
10. I buy dark red apples so I feel like Snow White.
11. Someone once told me the cutest thing when it comes to girls is how they put on their little make up and dresses and heels to go out. This has stuck with me for many years and always tickles me as Im getting ready to go out.
12. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES wear ripped wedgie denim shorts and a black bikini bra while strolling through Terrigal in July. This did my absolute head in today as I pulled the neck of my jumper and looked forward to a warm mug of milo.
13. Winter is a time for people to go out. There is this stereotype that no one goes out in winter. However, if you are a single male it would be the PRIME time to go out and pull tail. Why you may ask? Well for one its fucking freezing, and lets not pussyfoot about the issue- there's heaps of strange walking around in inappropriate outfits. Use this to your advantage. Take a second coat out to wrap around her cruiser stained shoulders. Suggest how good a spoon would be in this weather. Offer to buy her a pinga to warm her up. The opportunities for scoring some puss are endless. RIGHT NOW is the perfect time to use the brisk breeze to manipulate yourself into some Cotton On panties.
14. Here is a musing from JESSICA MOSS: "Write a post on people who are assholes." Where do I begin. Maybe the old man who screamed at me for being insane at work the other day. & it wasn't insane in a good way.
15. LARA BINGLE IS A DISGRACE TO OUR NATION.
16. The Titmouse is a bird. Not a mouse. Nor a tit.
17. PATTI BOYD & GEORGE HARRISON.