Wednesday, September 21, 2011
OLDER & WISER PART 6
1. Hassling people via the internet or anything that requires you to physically "like" something is a pussy move. End of. I dont care how many time I have to repeat myself, you look like a massive spanner. Especially when you use sarcasm and expect others to understand what the fuck you are talking about, it is hard to look at a bunch of words on a screen and differentiate between you with your dick in your cheek or if you are sitting there with reading glasses and a stern look on your face.
2. Whatever happened to P.O.D? I would like to think they have shaved all their dreads off and are sitting at home being a house husband with a guitar set up in their garage. Wrinkles slowly forming on their faces while juggling a few kids, married to an indie chick with blue streaks in her hair and constantly replaying their music videos on VHS.
3. Sometimes you got to take a step back and think, why do i admire them? Is it because everyone else does? Is it because they can afford things I can not? Or is it because I am told to? Sometimes if you take a step back, you will realise you are actually pining to be an ocker gold digger who spends more times on stage at Westfields than actually doing anything worth admiration.
4. Bindi Irwin is not a virgin.
5. The funniest thing you can do on a hot summer afternoon is swing at a donkey pinata with a blindfold on.
6. The most attractive person in the world can lose all their appeal once they become aggressive or get into a public brawl.
7. I miss my boy friends.
8. The best conversations I have ever had in my life have been while watching the sun come up on a balcony.
9. No one should ever be made to feel self conscious about who they are.
10. No matter how old you get, as a girl, you will ALWAYS feel intimidated walking into a space where the majority are males. From the tiniest wince to the wave of adrenaline- you will feel it.
11. I dont like the chauvinistic Facebook groups. (shocker...) But I am thankful for them, and I think girlkind should be as well. Why you may ask- well because you can go on them and look at all the people who like them, and make a mental note about who has a teeny tiny penis. Then you can cross them off you potential list of male suitors as they are not worth bothering with. And usually boys who join those groups would probably choke you mid act anyway. BUT ITS JUST A JOKE, SHIT SETTLE DOWN - you may say.
If you are basing your sense of humour through a social network- you need to get some pussy, just better hope they have not seen this blog.
12. If you are a girl and past the age of about 17, you are not allowed to act dumb anymore. Quit pretending you have nothing to say with your mouth, but prefer to speak with your eyes. Its so weird. Telling people you only like to eat cucumbers, bananas or lifesaver iceblocks will not get the party started.
13. If you do happen to deface an ex's property, do not call them on a private number confessing to it, or admit it to a close friend of theirs. Rookie mistake, and it makes you look like Nick Nolte or Amy Fisher.
14. Dont ever deface an ex's property, its all about being the bigger person.
15. Do not send naughty texts or picture texts to boys or girls you dont know that well. Or even if you do know them pretty well. A girl will always show her friends. ALWAYS. A boy I dont know, maybe someone could help me out with that- but i would assume it would be much the same. DONT DO IT- unless you want your butthole all over instagram (in Hefe filter though....)
16. If you happen to slur, "gimme a kisssshh", you can get fucked.
17. We are at the age where if you leave scissors lying around the place, you dont so much look like you are into arts and crafts as you look like a stoner.
18. Girls can tell when you are talking with your Johnson, rather than with your mouth.
19. Is it just me or is everyone else slightly annoyed by technology? Just a little?
20. The Beery re-opens tomorrow. Do you understand what this means? MANY MANY MANY more hilarious Central Coast themed stories for you. It is going to be like the opening ceremony of the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games down there on Saturday night. Fucking Nikki Webster will probably be there in a hawaiian body con and a voddie pine in the other hand, Ross from sirens dick in the other. God help us all. But I must admit, I am kind of relieved.