SINGLE LIFE

So you've found yourself single. Happens to the best of us. A whole new world of drinking excessively on a weeknight opens up and you find yourself having bought a Playschool VHS on Ebay and hitting up someone you fucked back in 2010 who is probably in a stable, adult, happy relationship filled with homemade marmalade, exercise, and matching cardigans.

I have been musing over the past few hours about what the best and worst parts about being single are. As you know they say the grass is greener on the other side, but the thought of arguing in Woolworths over the flavour of Airwick spray you are going to need for your new shared bathroom with your significant other makes me want to wax my eyelashes off.

BEST:

+ Having the freedom to dance around in your undies to all of the songs that you find sexy. Even though you are almost guaranteed to look like a fucking idiot while doing so, you can get your own self into the mood then swiftly masturbate in around 2-3 minutes.

+ Lying in, on and around your bed with no hairy, snoring, sweating, sexually inconsiderate mess lying beside you. Also, knowing that you have the choice to have a different wooly mammoth beside you each night of the week if you so choose.

+ Flirting.

+ Sex with strangers

+ Casual Sex

+ Shameless sex through glory holes if you so wish.

+ Actually understanding what all of those 90s rappers were talking about. E.G: 'You can give me some head/ But keep the breakfast in bed / I'd rather spend the morning digging through some records instead.'

+ Not having to buy half assed birthday presents.

+ Not having to pretend to enjoy family outings.

+ Having disgusting things to talk about with your mates.

+ Ticking off your BUCKET LIST 

+ Drinking in bars by yourself

+ Making a complete dick of yourself in front of strangers knowing full well you'll never see them again.

+ Cry wanking

+ Watching other people on dates. Especially Tinder dates- you can spot them a mile off. The chick is usually playing with her hair as the guy slowly counts the drinks and the minutes til he can fuck her.

+ Wearing only socks and undies around the house with no make up on while simultaneously eating an enchilada and singing Kate Cebrano

+ Those halve loaves of bread at IGA

+ Seeing how far you can go while texting weirdos

+ Googling all things UFOs, serial killers, ex porn stars, dugongs, baby gorillas etc.

+ Figuring out what would be your spirit animal.

+ Pulling your ham string trying to flirt with bartenders who just want to do their fucking job and don't care that you can tie a knot in your cherry from your Amaretto sour.

+ Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and laughing when the arc in the story comes and the guy disappoints the girl and the sad music plays.

+ Buying sex toys.

+ Driving around the city listening to gangster rap and scream singing it out of the window to unsuspecting couples who are just trying to have an early dinner before settling in to an evening of foot rubs and minimal foreplay.


WORST:

- Tinder

- Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and realising that the chick you most identify with is the brunette room mate/best friend of the main character rig girl who smokes cigarettes and swears and is outwardly promiscuous.

- Men assuming you want a relationship based on the fact that you're a woman and they themselves have watched too many romantic comedies and never noticed the brunette smoking room mate/best friend who swears and is outwardly promiscuous.

- The droughts.

- Being too forward the drunker you get.

- Dinner dates.

- Listening to the rain while lying in bed (but only for the fact that you don't have an umbrella and you would assume that if you had a significant other they would probably carry an umbrella which you could use the next day as you traipse to the markets for a gozleme)

- No one to shout you the extra guacamole.

- Boring small talk.

- No one to remind you to eat your vegetables.

- No one giving a shit who is on your most fuckable list that you would definitely bone if you were in a relationship. But you aren't in a relationship so if you ever do get to meet David Duchovny, you can just fuck him. Guess it's not that bad then.

- Thinking strippers are into you.

- Those halve loaves of bread you can buy at IGA

- Shouting people drinks.

Single life is actually a beautiful diamond period of your life where you don't give a fuck what anyone thinks and you can genuinely do all of the things that the laws of a relationship rule out. So go forth - drink that 16th bloody mary, text that person at 3am, play spin the bottle, be an idiot, fuck around, send weird snap chats and for the love of god don't ever settle.

FUCKET LIST

Everyone should have one. If you don't then I assume you've checked everything off and you're some kind of super stud with at least a child or some form of incurable disease. No judgement or nothing- just judgement you know? I want to present you with a fact:

People love fucking.

I believe it was Einstein who said that, and who's going to argue with that guy? No one...because none of you are mediums and John Edward is a dirty fraud. In fact, so are you. I have spent weeks interviewing a heap of people who I happen to know love having sex and have compiled a handy little list that you can take home with you tonight as you are cry masturbating in the shower as all normal 20 somethings do every Monday evening. Right?

Right.

Anyway, here you will find a comprehensive note of all the dirty little things that I have compiled (after many drunken nights asking people forcefully what they would love to have on their Fucket List usually followed by: What? What's that?) that we as humans love to do so much that we risk everything in order to, including and not limited to our precious dignity.

In the words of Marvin Gaye, let's get it on:

1. Sex under the Harbour Bridge at around 2am on a Wednesday morning. (I've thought about it)

2. A session in which you don't speak before, during, or after

3. Sex with food (take that as you will)

4. Do a line of coke off a buttock.

5. To completely dominate someone (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)

6. Attend a Swinger's Club

7. Have sex on the side of the road during a road trip.

8. Fuck on a plane. (There's motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane)

9. Have sex with a woman as a straight woman completely sober.

10. Join a couple as a third.

11. The....yawn...threesome

12. Have sex again with the person who took your virginity years later.

13. Film yourself

14. To be completely dominated (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)

15. In the back of a truck.

16. Sex with an extremely tall man/woman

17. Sex with someone in a fluffy mascot outfit. (HAAAAAA)

18. In front of other people.

19. In the change rooms of a shop.

20. Going down on someone in a car, while driving.

21. Give a man head in less than 5 minutes.

22. Break a shower.

23. Camping wilderness.

24. Foot sex.

25. Boob sex.

26. Butt sex.

27. Sex with a musician (isn't that everyones?)

28. On top of a washing machine

29. In your/their parents bed.

30. In some form of water (I highly recommend not doing this by the way- it can ruin sex for you for quite some time)

31. On a ski lift (obviously a shralper)

32. Take someone's virginity.

33. At a house party.

34. Experience the throw down.

35. Experience an orgasm (sad but true in many cases- c'mon boys)

36.Beads...

37. On the beach (heard of a prawn cutlet?)

38. With a complete stranger.

39. Fuck a cougar

40. Someone with a beard going down on you.

41. Fucking a D List celebrity

42. At a festival.

43. While high.

44. With a bartender.

45. With a stripper.

46. With a prostitute.

47. A the rooftop of a building.

48. In front of your old high school.

49. On the stoop of someone's house

50. Hate sex.


So far this is all I have compiled from a smattering of my friends and a little bit of my own tucked away in there. Soz if this is a bit too wild for your Monday night, this is what I like to talk about with my significant acquaintances and now you all known (anonymously) how fucked up their heads are and how much they probably haven't been banged out lately.

Single life is a tumultuous rollercoaster of disappointing liaisons and mind blowing experiences, its all about finding what you can get away with and ticking off your list one point at a time.

So, how did you go?

LIFE LESSONS FROM SOMEONE WHO IS SHIT AT LIFE.

Its been a while. Soz. 

After some time neglecting this blog, I have gained some life perspective that I just couldn't not share with you because I just know how you are all desperately wading through life like its a bowl of hommus, but you just can't seem to find your lavosh cracker. Well here I am, your cracker with no clue guiding you blindly into the abyss with shit life advice and an abundance of inappropriate references you may have to google and then be disappointed by.

So strap yourselves in for a fucking stupid ride through some life lessons that I have seemed to learn and hopefully you will come away with this being infinitely dumber and just a little bit sluttier.

1. Stand by your drunk texts.

Who gives a fuuuuuuccckkkk hey. If someone is that dim they can't gauge that you may be 86 shandys deep when you throw them a winky emoji at 2:45am, then that is their loss. Whatever embarrassing thing you may have written, EG: talking about BJs with your close male friend, or expressing your deep lust with a picture of a dugong- at least you were thinking about that person and they should be fucking stoked because majority of the time no one thinks about anyone but themselves.

2. Dont EVER let anyone make you feel like a slut for sexing them on the first date/meeting/eye contact.

Casual sex is one of life's little joys in which you can easily slip in and out (EW) and not have to deal with those pesky emotions that usually occur between whatever sex blows your hair back. Not everyone wants to be married/in a relationship/ taken out for a nice meal. Sometimes people just want to fuck and thats absolutely fine. This doesn't define who they are as a person or what type of undies they wear. For all you know they could be wearing a pair of Looney Tunes boxer shorts underneath that mini skirt, but you will never know if you keep up this archaic view of women be sluts and men be legends. Its old. Boring.

3. Start talking to strangers more.

A sexy girlfriend of mine has complained to me many a time of how dudes just don't seem to be on the hunt anymore. No dudes speak to her and she finds she has to be the one to go out fishing. This is such a weird concept for chicks. Let me explain why- the thing is as single women we have to deal with Tinder being such a lazy fucking option that inevitably the scene becomes lazy. Surprisingly you can't fuck your iPhone. So bitches be shopping for a man, approach said man, man has girlfriend, approach another man, gets looked at like a crazy person/stalker, retreats back into corner and sips vodka lime soda. Maybe this is the way it is, or maybe we as women have become somewhat entitled to feeling desired? Who knows, all i know is fuck all.

4. WebMD will almost always make you think you have AIDS.

5. Eat your Oportos double fillet bondi burger like no one is watching.

6. If you have followed your dreams for 5 fucking years and still no one is paying you for it, keep going.

7. Most dudes with beards are hiding something. Almost always, their weak jawlines.

8. I can't wait for all the late 90s shit to go out of trend and for everyone who was actually present and with it when it first came in to hate themselves all over again for giving in to the tattoo choker necklaces and shit and to slowly pluck their butterfly clips out of their hair one by one and shed a glitter tear for each plastic one.

9. A skinny bitch cocktail is actually a vodka lime soda. I made a dick of myself at a bar in the city recently and I just can't seem to shake the look of disgust in that bartender's eye as I argued with him about what it was when I actually didn't really know. Theres a lesson, just fucking own up to shit you don't know. I had the best burger there and now I can't go back because of my stubborn yet sexy attitude.

10. If you're growing your hair out (like I am) just bite the bullet and watch yourself transform from a whole range of 90s alternative lead singers. I was in the Gavin Rossdale of Bush stage, then in the Brandon Boyd 'Morning View' album stage, now slowly sliding into Dave Navarro when he played with the Chili Peppers. FINGERS CROSSED for the final stage: Eddie Vedder circa 1991.

11. For christ's sakes start watching Broad City and Inside Amy Schumer. If you want to get a deeper insight into how chicks actually are, these two shows will open your eyeballs to all of that and more.

12. Learn to say NO when you really don't want to do something. I mean if you are half assed about it, then maybe say YES because you might actually enjoy it. Like cronuts. But if you really can't be fucked then just say no. Because really the only opinion that truly matters is the one you have about yourself.

13. Stop posting bikini shots.

We get it, you're a rig. Fuck. 

14. Try and do anything to maintain the rig. We are in a digital age people, your Insty can only gauge 10% of your personality. Remember that.

15. If you can, scream sing anything by John Farnham with your friends on Australia Day. It is more of a stress reliever than any form of Xanax or sex. You would be surprised, plus it makes for a great bagpipe solo, which my friends can attest to.

16. Save all of your money and then buy something stupid like a blow up paddle pool, 56 glittery lighters or the rights to someone's virginity online. This is shit you can't get away with when you're in your 30s.

17. Stop reading all of those numbered lists online. They are stupid...oh wait.

18. An iced vovo can make a beautiful hat.

19. When you're feeling lonely just listen to some Ja Rule and remind yourself why you ever were born in the first place. To sit, eat a schnitzel and listen to some Murder Inc. Oh yeah, and drink so much cheap alcohol that you can't open your eyes the next morning as they are glazed over in a fine film of sweat, regret, and tabouli.

20. If all else fails, just pretend to know what you're doing. The fuckers will never find out.

Now go forth, be all you can be in this bizarre world of likes, political opinions, and marijuana fuelled ambiguity. This is your life, take it by the sweaty balls. 

5 SONGS FOR 5 PIVOTAL MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE.

LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, YOU GUYS. Some days you wake up, boil an egg, call a mate, have a wank, go to sleep. Other days, people shit all over your heart/mind/body (depending on how much you pay them). These days can be particularly hard to get through and can leave you wishing that you indeed did live on Sesame Street, although I don't really agree with your logic because it would be about half a minute before I shoved Elmo's cookie up his own ass (YES I KNOW ITS THE COOKIE MONSTER I AM JUST TRYING TO APPEAR COOL AND GROWN UP BY PRETENDING I DON'T KNOW THE INTRICATE DETAILS OF SESAME STREET WHEN IN FACT I FEEL AS THOUGH I COULD DRAW A TO SCALE DIAGRAM OF THE FUCKING PLACE).

Whatever, I am totally into beards, whiskey and sucking some fuckwit's dick to prove how much I am into Foals.

Anywho, I digress as usual. Here is a compilation of some of the most necessary tunes to switch on when you obviously go through these really common life situations. You are welcome, in advance.

1. WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE OF THE PERSON YOU JUST HAD SEX WITH WHO YOU REALLY LIKE/ REALLY NEEDED TO REBOUND WITH.

You walk out of there. Usually with your fucked up heels in hand and your mascara dripping down your noseholes. You stretch your cankles in victory at the conquest you managed to accomplish with such aplomb that the entire cast of Made In Chelsea would be appalled at your elegance. The build up of this song reflects the way you shimmy on out of his screen door with ciggie burn holes in it, and as it slams behind you, tapping you softly on the ass as a secret "YOU DID IT!", if an object could congratulate that is, you fly off into the hot summer wind as the percussion increases. Suddenly you are guitar solo'ing into your hungover future as you wait for Wayne your taxi driver to roll up hopped up on No Doze and wanting to chat about his missus the whole way home. You stare out the window and pat yourself on the back as the soft choral vocals of Night Ranger drift into the remnants of your crusty pantaloons (that you have stashed in your wallet).


2. WHEN YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR LOVE AND DECIDE TO RIDE AROUND TOWN WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

Oh yeah? You think your life fucking sucks? Try being Ja Rule circa now. Ok, so Ja Rule circa 2003 was fucking incredible. I am 98% sure he bedded some Ashanti ass. Now that is saying something. But dude, your relationship is like 2003. A shining moment when you had everything you wanted, even a faux fight with Eminem to boost your profile. You had pussy coming out yo ears, pussy that even R Kelly couldn't get. But then you may have evaded your relationship much like Ja did with his taxes and you have ended up in heartbreak hotel aka the worst kind of prison imaginable. Throw this ditty on and remember the good times. Those times when the reign wasn't calling murder, but rather Toto was singing 'Africa' without some cryptic rapping in between that leaves you wondering how reign can rain, let alone how the reign can manifest an actual voice in which to call "murder". 

3. WHEN YOU MASTURBATE.

Okay, so I am going to have to get gender specific right now, or more woman specific and pretty much what I think men choke the chicken to. HAHA, I have always wanted to use that in a sentence. Life goals, ay. 

CHIX: 

Would 100% masturbate to this track. No, its not the fucking beard you kooks. The fucking beard is like the fucking wind, I know it is there but I can't see it. Ridiculous. I mean, Chet certainly has something going for him, personally I believe it is because he embodies some weird American Indian vibe that means he can be a conduit for babes everywhere for ladies to wet their panties to. He should be called Chet Running Tree or some shit if you ask me. Chicks would totally light their coconut and lime scented Glasshouse candle, crack open the double A b8rez they bought in woolies with their kale and muesli bites acting all innocent like they need them to replace a remote (HA bullshit), then they would run home, make a kale bullshit bullshit, pour themselves a glass of organic red wine and let loose. And god bless em for it.

DOODS: 

I dunno. It just makes sense to me. All guys seem to love this song and most guys I know have a penchant for a stir fry, so this shit makes sense to me. You aren't writing this, I am and there is something so aggressive about this track that eventually makes you hate yourself and lie in your own sweat and shame, that it just fit. There is just something so 'Metal' about male masturbation.

4. SONG TO PUT ON DURING A ONE NIGHT STAND.

There really is nothing demure or coy about this song. In fact, it holds some handy tips for your disgusting one night stand. Not only is the chorus super catchy but the lyrics are sombre and hold a deeper meaning, literally. You guys aren't there to fuck around (or maybe you are?). Put your hands on the balls ladies, and figure out why Eazy E was such a playa back in the day. On a truly honest note this song is one of my guilty pleasures and truly one of the most heinous songs in history. Give it a listen, just make sure your parents are out of the room (advice I also give to you planning one night stands).

5. THE SONG TO PLAY WHEN YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING HAPPY.

Nothing screams happiness like Band Of Horses. The country twangs. The swelling percussion. The flowing guitar riffs. There is something so beautiful about their music and the general feeling they can give even the most devo of people. Just listen to this track, you can almost feel the wind going through your hair as you open the window of your Mazda 2 and you pass by Grafton Hungry Jacks on your way up north. There is really nothing like letting music take you on a journey to the holy grail of happiness that resides deep in the recesses of your working, living, crying, laughing soul. Fuck everything else, this is something that no matter where you may end up in your life (or if you are grappling with where you may ever end up), at least you know that when you get home your old pal music is there to guide you through any fucked up situation you may find yourself in.

ROCK AND ROLL!

HOW TO BE UNEMPLOYED

If you are like me and have graduated with a degree after slogging it out at your respective University campuses amongst sipping goon and deriving nicknames with meanings that would make the dirtiest sailor blush, you may find yourself completely qualified yet still aching to find someone to employ you.

You are completely capable of any sort of employment (if it doesn't involve Quantum Physics) but still NO, you can't seem to find any sort of work in the field of the degree that you studied for. Chances are, you studied Communications.

FUCK RIGHT?

I've been a good little intern for the better part of four years, so with that much experience, surely I would have scored a well paying job by now, or at least an entry level position? WRONG.

Here are some helpful tips to aid the tedious, lonely days of unemployment.

1. Tell yourself you are going to learn a new language. Hey, even if you don't ever look up any sort of Thai phrasing, you can still hold that within yourself and it will be great to tell your roommates when they eventually arrive home from work. Keep your iphone at the ready, if they ask you to spout the phrases that you have learned that day and hope to christ they don't know the actual pronunciation of the word. You will look as though you aren't just slumming it and that you still have brain capability despite the 50 bongs you smoked just to get through the day.

2. Practice your best Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band knee slide. Chuck on your socks and make this a common practice from around 10:30am-12 (the hours between breakfast and lunch). You will work up an appetite while keeping those ass cheeks in tact babe. You know what unemployment can do to a girl, it can make cunts that you don't care about tell you how you should look to be sexually desirable. Because that's all us girls want, to be sexually desirable. Thanks so much for saying so babe. Here is your inspiration for those knee slides [WATCH IT, SERIOUSLY] (pop 'Dancing In The Dark' on while doing so):

3. Maybe you should look into starting your own business. I know many times a Terrigal Car Boot Market has been enough to tide me over but think bigger than that. But for the love of GOD don't start another fucking fashion blog. I honestly don't understand those things, or who buys into those things- but hey, I also don't understand how people don't like Rage Against The Machine. I tell you what we need more of? We need more people going out to clubs, pubs, and raves and critiquing the dance moves of the punters inside. That shit would be hilarious.

4. Make a weekly bucket list. It can be anything from learning how to make a delicious schnitzel to finally egging your ex-boyfriend's car. Perhaps it may include shaving your head while watching American History X or touching yourself while watching Dr.Phil. Whatever tickles your fancy, no one is home because they are out making a living so no judgement.

5. Learn the entire lyrical component to Shaggy's back catalogue and make it your business to slip it casually into conversation without anyone noticing.

6. Write shit reviews on Trip Advisor for all the places who knocked you back after the interview process under  the name 'Ken Done', then go paint a fucking picture of your feelings.

7. Ask yourself why you aren't as successful as Rihanna even though you are the same age as her, then go buy 16 sausage rolls and eat them all without taking a breath while crying over a framed picture of your University Degree and listening to 'Pon De Replay'. Still not sure what that even means.

8. Learn to play the bongos, grow your hair really long, and take up fire breathing. Keep yourself this way for a few months then rock up to a social event cleanly shaved and in a three piece suit and introduce yourself under another name. Keep this going until someone realises then socially ostracise them from the group.

9. Start jotting down all the great points about how right now are the glory days, then put them in a time capsule and plan to open it when you are 85 and sitting on a porch somewhere drinking peach iced tea.

10. Dress up in traditional colonial garb, go down to The Rocks and pretend to the tourists that you are from the past and you are looking for the time portal back to 1789.

11. Tattoo a picture of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's face on your back, take a photo of it, upload it to Facebook and friend request them. Then sit back, sip on your Yakult and wait.

12. Write a convicted criminal a letter. Way funner than Tinder.

13. Create your own conspiracy theory website about any topic. Literally any topic or moment from history and watch The Daily Mail cover it.

14. Think about joining the Australian Federal Police and then realise that you must have a manual license to join, forget about it, and secretly practice chicken winging perpetrators on your teddy bears while screaming, "GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!"

15. Don't bother following any of this advice at all, just spend your days refreshing your e mail, smoking cigarettes, and listening to 'Night Moves' on repeat. 

Sometimes you just have to take solace in the fact that tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

SCHNITZEL MUSHROOM SUSHI SNAIL

With the excessive exposure that we as humans have to social media, we have become a little bit cynical to our fellow man, especially when doused in ‘X PRO II’. My Instagram feed ranges from those who only post pictures of themselves or others out on the turps or I have the pleasure of eyeballing some huge titties in bralettes at JUST the right angle.

It seems my friends are following the same types of people. Over many a cheap wine we have discussed the types of people who come under certain categories defined by how they are received by the opposite or same sex. It is here I will delve into those categories and explain them each, leaving you to wonder what type of food are you?

DISCLAIMER: Now I realise this is all very shallow, but welcome to this site. Fuck it.

SCHNITZEL

A dude or a chick defined as a schnitzel is one who appeals to all types of people. She/ he is a regulation hottie. They will catch the eye of your fixie riding, tattoo laden, akubra toting hipster and will also have the buff stereosonic types gagging for a go. The reason behind the schnitzel name is that everyone loves a fucking schnitzel. When there is a schnitzel special going on down at your local, there is no way you will opt for the $30 steak, am I right? A piece of delicious schnitzel is an all rounder, one that satiates all kinds of people, and looks great doused in gravy. Don’t be shy in admitting you are a schnitzel, sometimes you are just such a raging babe that all men/women run to you like you are shelter on a stormy day. There is no shame in this, these people exist and they are walking among you every day. Although sometimes I feel sorry for a schnitzel as all forms of people usually bother them, many of who do not appeal to them. Having to bat away suitors with a timber log must be tiring for them and I really think we should have some sort of half marathon to combat the ever-rising perils of a schnitty.

MUSHROOM

Mushrooms aren’t just a delicious option while slathering up your schnitty. Mushrooms are people too, you know. They are the gentle medium between a schnitzel and a sushi. They appeal to the general public but then again there are some people who are just like, “Ta, but seeya”. This is explained by the fact that mushrooms are generally well liked. Vegetarians and people who like to shell out for a big breakfast especially enjoy them. While a mushroom may not exactly catch the attention of every man and his dog, they definitely produce some serious neck cricks from perving and the like. When checking out a mushroom, you will know that you are attracted to them, but may not realise why. Until later on when you wake up from your weird sex dream about them, and then you realise that this is the reason that mushrooms produce wild hallucinations. People will still tag their mates on their instagram photos, although perhaps instead of needing a timber log, the mushies can get away with beating off the babes with some kindling.

SUSHI

Now sushi is certainly a lovely choice for lunch. It’s light, refreshing and comes with wasabi. However, if you are a sushi then you may not be getting all of the attention you want from every person you meet. While discussing these categories, I would like to add, the original discussion only consisted of schnitzels and snails. However, we quickly discovered that this assessment wasn’t fair and we had to create some sort of middle ground to cover all bases. A sushi is the tender little middle ground between what everyone deems as babe’n and those people who have a particular sense of taste. A sushi is a type of girl/boy who may fit a particular style. For example, your Sarah Blasko types or your dudes who are running a look similar to those in Blur. Seems like every guy is at the moment, but that’s beside the point. The point being that if you are a sushi, you do pretty well and you aren’t particularly bothered by the masses. This will probably lead you to kissing/boning those who you are also attracted to. A fellow sushi perhaps? We all have our PBs.

SNAIL

So what category do you fit under Jess? Well, here it is. I know I am a snail, I have said this for years, and the reason has always stayed the same when people ask why, I simply reply, “Because I am an acquired taste”. Surprisingly it doesn’t mean that I slay it with French men. Although, I’m sure Manu might eye fuck me if he has had one too many pinots. Snails are those people who definitely do not appeal to the masses; in fact the majority may even find them a little confusing. But the people, who froth on a snail, REALLY froth on a snail. They make it their mission to try a snail. If you are a snail, you may be a woman who has been called “sir” a couple of times, or you may be a guy who gets called some sort of homophobic slur on a regular basis. Jokes on those dicks because meanwhile you are slaying it with the minority. Everyone loves an underdog, don’t they? If you are a snail, then you will know because you have been asked multiple times to give out your friends numbers/told to move seats so the courter may be closer to a non-snail/pashed some serious babes in your time/been the one who chases.

So I hope I have given you some sort of fucked up insight into my head. But I suppose if you are reading this, you would have already known that I love a metaphor- especially when it comes to babes. Plus, lets be honest all food is delicious….except onions. If you are an onion I will swipe to the right on Tinder.

MOUNTAIN SOUNDS FESTIVAL

If you have been hiding under a rock, then I will have to explain to you that Mountain Sounds Festival takes place NEXT WEEKEND on March 15 and Mt. Penang Parklands!

This is like the ultimate outdoor house party that you could have ever dreamed while sipping your cruisers planning a big night out on the town. This will be the party to end all parties and if you haven't already bought your ticket yet- then what are you waiting for?

CLICK HERE FOR FACEBOOK DETAILS

HERE ARE SOME REASONS WHY MOUNTAIN SOUNDS FESTIVAL WILL BE BULLSHIT GOOD:

1. There is a stage called 'CLUB MOD'. Fuck off mate. This will be where you can check your spines at the door as you slowly morph into Alex Mack and slip and slide around the wet and wild conditions of this stage. Prepare to get weird.

2. Its only $89. Thats not even a pair of Lee Jeans which end up fraying on you anyway. That is literally 4.25 packs of ciggies if you buy them from the petrol station. $89 is like a meal at the cowrie. An entree, probably- I don't know, Ive never eaten there as I have been to poor. BUT GUESS WHAT! I am unemployed and I am still not poor enough to miss out on Mountain Sounds Festival.

MOUNTAIN SOUNDS FESTIVAL WEBSITE

3. It is located in our home town. THE CENNY COAST M8! When do we ever have anything happening here ever? Let alone something as fucking amazing as this festival. YOU CAN EVEN BRING YOUR OWN COUCH. What? Get your pointer fingers off their lazy chip snacking asses and make them click their way onto Ticketbooth to nail down one of those tix.

4. Chances are, some of your mates are actually playing. Be a mate. Grab a ticket and show some support for the guy who has most likely spotted you a scooie at one time or another. The festival boasts some of the freshest acts out there at the moment, and they are all home grown.

5. What a way to spend a weekend. The silly season is well and truly over, admit it. I know we are all clutching at "the cheapest bottle of plonk on your menu please", so why not have one last hurrah before getting stuck into 2014? Mountain Sounds Festival is the ultimate post summer cure. Did I mention it is meant to be 29 degrees and sunny that day? I just don't think sitting at home watching season after season of Grey Anatomy is going to cut it on the 15th. I just dont.


So go on.
Stop putting this shit off.
Get yourself a ticket to Mountain Sounds Festival RIGHT NOW.
Because according to my sources, tickets are almost sold out.

SOLD OUT.

fuck.


GET TICKETS HERE!!!