MEN IN SYDNEY

You would not believe the amount of penises I had to sift through on Tumblr to get the photograph above. SO MANY. Impressive looking ones, but still- christ Tumblr. You can literally look up the word "flowers" on it and still be turkey slapped with a huge dong on a Saturday morning. Get your shit together.

So its been about a year and a half that Ive been single in the picturesque city of Sydney and I have come to know very well or very little the calibre of dude that lurks around these parts with their buns in the sky and their heads facing down into their Tinder accounts. I thought I would make some brash assumptions and generalisations about the men that frequent the suburbs of Sydney and place them all here so you my delicate women can be aware of the range of bloke they are dealing with.

THE OBVIOUSLY BEARDED MAN.

He listens to Hip Hop but not in a way that means he will be stalking Drapht and Downside's Instagram account. He only listens to it when he is at Freda's on a Saturday evening sipping a Mojito at the back of the bar and refusing to dance. He is scattered into literally every single area of Sydney- you are never safe from an aggressive amount of facial hair. He mainly reserves his time in the inner west, Redfern and Surry Hills though. Sometimes he wears a tiny beard and an ironic necklace around his neck (an iron or a pineapple or some shit). He almost always is nursing a weak jawline or weak personality. He will talk to you about his beard until you feel like some kind of fucked up Cinderella from chugging so many wines to get through the evening that you run off and leave your Wittner heel somewhere on platform 3 at Redfern Station. He probably plays an instrument...badly. He thinks he can do better than you anyway so you shouldn't put too much stock into this one as he will always have one eyeball on your tits and the other on the chick who looks like she may have a septum piercing whos standing at the bar behind you but he can't tell because the bar is too dark and his whiskey is too strong and it hurts his tummy.

LARRY DAVID

He is misunderstood. He is neurotic in a charming yet irritating way. He is manipulative because he tries to be but its so obvious that its hard to be manipulated by him. He is intelligent. He will almost always send you a dick pic not for sexual reasons but in the genuine interest to see if you think he has a pretty dick. He doesn't. Referencing himself to a character on Curb Your Enthusiasm shows that he watches too much television after softly masturbating himself to sleep after perusing through some interesting Reddit AMA's. He refuses to do things by the book as he feels this makes him more interesting but it doesn't, it makes him difficult and a cushioned anarchist. He likes it when you tell him this as it allows for the inevitable transition of him travelling to Thailand when he is 45 and paying someone to step on his balls for him.

POPPED COLLARS.

You know the type. He is probably still arguing with the bouncer at The Sheaf right now about how he has only had 3 glasses of Veuve champagne down at Rose Bay wharf with some work colleagues before heading into Double Bay. He has three large concerns that take up his entire brain:

1. What the fuck is going on with Australia's dollar right now?

2. Fuck I hope Turnbull isn't going to ruin the incredible work Abbott just put in.

3. Who's getting bags tonight?

If you are after an ill fitting pastel shirt, this is your guy and if you are after someone calling you a peasant slut once you reject them, then you have found your soulmate. They listen to Triple J to keep up with the kids but would actually have an aneurysm if faced with Splendour In The Grass. Who the fuck is going to clean that fucking mud off their Hunter gumboots in time for winter wonderland at Mrs.Sippy? 

DUNE RATS SKATER DUDES.

There are so many of these out and about these days. Usually aged from 18-23, they are long haired Bart Simpson looking characters who will almost always skid just a little too close to you on their skatey as they fang up King Street. They love pingers. They listen to punchy garage rock and feel like they are the new wave Nirvana. You know, taking grunge into 2015 and just fucking chilling with it ay. Those chicks with chokers on have to have someone to fuck yeah? Its like a crazy hybrid of relationship where the guy resembles Eddie Vedder on opium and the chick is a goth Cher from Clueless. Theres no judgement here, I love to see this shit and just feel the "kewl" emanate off them. Sometimes I just bask in it myself and feel infinitely cooler and for that I thank them, because without them Id be some dork running around the streets with a pony tail and glasses and carrying text books even though I don't attend any type of school and clearly don't have the money to buy text books- but almost certainly karate kicked someone waiting at the bus stop outside Sydney University. Those people are always running for buses- fuck university doesn't need to be so dramatic...relax.

2 THOUSAND AND SICK DUDES.

My personal favourites. I identify with them the most as I would consider myself a 2 thousand and sick girl (this type of post about girls will be coming eventually). They are the ones who are most pissed about the lockouts as they tasted the fruit that was Sydney and now that fruit is gone and why. Fucking why. They went to BDO when JUSTICE played running into the Boiler Room screaming "WE ! ARE ! YOUR ! FRIENDS! YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN NOW COME ON!" and they know how to mix a house party. Honestly, if there is anyone you would want at your house party, invite the 2 thousand and sick dude. He almost always has a set of decks that he tends to like the rose bud of a woman. They can identify the opening 3 seconds of any Cut Copy track even if it has just been mixed with Tina Arena. They have seen every Presets tour date that occured from 2007-2010 and probably have some sort of Bag Raiders shirt. You will have 2 outcomes of the 2 thousand and sick- they are either drug fucked or heaps successful. Either way, they rule.

WHERE TO PICK UP CHICKS BY A CHICK

People have become officially lazy.

One common sentence that has been thrown around recently by single girlfriends of mine is, "Men don't pick up girls anymore". With the rising yet empty star Tinder taking over our love, life and loins- the art of picking up has fallen by the wayside. Its an epidemic and its time we took a stand and changed what we now know as our dwindling love lives. This is where I come in. Not to say I am an expert on this, but if I had a penis I am 84% sure that I would have some bombshell lying between my legs and sheets about now.

But alas, a penis I have not. However, I do have some handy tips that will hopefully help the men of Sydney get off their asses and phones, and face their fears head on in the hopes of at least a gobbie.

1. POP UP BARS.

Chicks LOVE this shit. "Oh hey Shirley, did you hear about the latest pop up bar in Hyde Park?", "Yeah I sure did Tiffany, they are selling elderflower and semen flavoured gin martinis in tiny tiny jars down there for only $26 a pop, we should totally go". Well then boys, what are you doing just standing around? Head down to your local pop up, which we know in Sydney, there is always one happening every single day all throughout the year and try your hardest at scoring some tail. Throw on your nicest slacks from Factorie or Bonds or wherever you get your jeans and sit in the corner making prolonged eye contact with the babe of your choice until she is forced to say, "What the fuck are you looking at?"

2. ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

Now in Australia, we are becoming known for our off the cuff directing skills and there being some form of racist fuckwit on board your local train, bus or ferry. Not only will you have the balls (right?) to stand up to someone while simultaneously filming them, but the gals on board will admire your hutzpah. If this fails and everyone on your bus seems to be a respectful and well rounded person (yawn), you will have to go to your local optometrist, cross your fingers that you don't have 20/20 and get yourself some spectacles. Put on said spectacles and read a book. This will win over all of the chicks who follow that NYC based Instagram called 'Hot dudes reading' or some shit and you will soon be reading all of the curves of her supple body. You're welcome. Whatever you do though, make sure your fly is done up all the way before throwing down some moves, or you will just be that weirdo on the 308.

3. WAITING IN LINE AT BLACK STAR PASTRY.

All of us Inner West fuck lords know about Black Star Pastry. Not only does it hold host to one of the best cakes in the universe (Watermelon cake), but there is always at least a 30 metre line spilling out of there at all times on a weekend. Utilise this boys. You look like you give a shit about sweet things, and you look like you have patience, money, and a taste for carrot cake. Chicks love carrot cake. Use this time to softly gaze beyond your knock off Ray Ban clubmasters and stroke your inevitable beard as you genuinely decide between the brownie and walking away to save 25 minutes of your precious life.

4. AT A DOG PARK.

Fuck me. Chicks love dogs. Get yourself some form of Oodle, Bulldog or squished face hound and wait. In fact, if you can find a way to traipse about the city while walking said mutt, all the better. But in a dog park you can not only be the hero if some massive doberman goes a girl's pug, you can also seductively bend down while picking up your dog's business while looking back at your woman of choice and giving the slowest wink you could possibly muster. This will remind her of how she always wanted a man who knows how to stack the dishwasher, and she will go home and put some more cut outs from Woman's Day on her positivity board and think of you while touching herself to Ed Sheeran's latest album.

5. EXERCISING.

This is for people who live East of Moore Park Road. All you people who right now are yogging around Centennial Park while listening to a Spotify Playlist of 'RUNNING TRAX' which mainly consist of poorly mashed up dance songs from the early 2000's. I always hear on Z-List dating shows about how a man wants a woman who can "take care of herself", don't fucking bullshit anyone dude- you want a chick who will "eat a steak with your mates" while going on juice cleanses on the days she doesn't see you so she can uphold that Jessica Rowe body you've been frothing on since you were 13. If this is the kind of girl you're after, head to Bondi to Bronte beach walk and weirdly work out on those things that are dotted along the coastline as you check out the local talent and the INSANE amount of Lorna Jane sports bras that bounce up and down, up and down and the girl in question has a silent monologue running through her head about whether or not quinoa is a super food, or whether The Project has lied to her that week. Fuck you Carrie Bickmore.

Just give up, ay.

SINGLE LIFE

So you've found yourself single. Happens to the best of us. A whole new world of drinking excessively on a weeknight opens up and you find yourself having bought a Playschool VHS on Ebay and hitting up someone you fucked back in 2010 who is probably in a stable, adult, happy relationship filled with homemade marmalade, exercise, and matching cardigans.

I have been musing over the past few hours about what the best and worst parts about being single are. As you know they say the grass is greener on the other side, but the thought of arguing in Woolworths over the flavour of Airwick spray you are going to need for your new shared bathroom with your significant other makes me want to wax my eyelashes off.

BEST:

+ Having the freedom to dance around in your undies to all of the songs that you find sexy. Even though you are almost guaranteed to look like a fucking idiot while doing so, you can get your own self into the mood then swiftly masturbate in around 2-3 minutes.

+ Lying in, on and around your bed with no hairy, snoring, sweating, sexually inconsiderate mess lying beside you. Also, knowing that you have the choice to have a different wooly mammoth beside you each night of the week if you so choose.

+ Flirting.

+ Sex with strangers

+ Casual Sex

+ Shameless sex through glory holes if you so wish.

+ Actually understanding what all of those 90s rappers were talking about. E.G: 'You can give me some head/ But keep the breakfast in bed / I'd rather spend the morning digging through some records instead.'

+ Not having to buy half assed birthday presents.

+ Not having to pretend to enjoy family outings.

+ Having disgusting things to talk about with your mates.

+ Ticking off your BUCKET LIST 

+ Drinking in bars by yourself

+ Making a complete dick of yourself in front of strangers knowing full well you'll never see them again.

+ Cry wanking

+ Watching other people on dates. Especially Tinder dates- you can spot them a mile off. The chick is usually playing with her hair as the guy slowly counts the drinks and the minutes til he can fuck her.

+ Wearing only socks and undies around the house with no make up on while simultaneously eating an enchilada and singing Kate Cebrano

+ Those halve loaves of bread at IGA

+ Seeing how far you can go while texting weirdos

+ Googling all things UFOs, serial killers, ex porn stars, dugongs, baby gorillas etc.

+ Figuring out what would be your spirit animal.

+ Pulling your ham string trying to flirt with bartenders who just want to do their fucking job and don't care that you can tie a knot in your cherry from your Amaretto sour.

+ Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and laughing when the arc in the story comes and the guy disappoints the girl and the sad music plays.

+ Buying sex toys.

+ Driving around the city listening to gangster rap and scream singing it out of the window to unsuspecting couples who are just trying to have an early dinner before settling in to an evening of foot rubs and minimal foreplay.


WORST:

- Tinder

- Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and realising that the chick you most identify with is the brunette room mate/best friend of the main character rig girl who smokes cigarettes and swears and is outwardly promiscuous.

- Men assuming you want a relationship based on the fact that you're a woman and they themselves have watched too many romantic comedies and never noticed the brunette smoking room mate/best friend who swears and is outwardly promiscuous.

- The droughts.

- Being too forward the drunker you get.

- Dinner dates.

- Listening to the rain while lying in bed (but only for the fact that you don't have an umbrella and you would assume that if you had a significant other they would probably carry an umbrella which you could use the next day as you traipse to the markets for a gozleme)

- No one to shout you the extra guacamole.

- Boring small talk.

- No one to remind you to eat your vegetables.

- No one giving a shit who is on your most fuckable list that you would definitely bone if you were in a relationship. But you aren't in a relationship so if you ever do get to meet David Duchovny, you can just fuck him. Guess it's not that bad then.

- Thinking strippers are into you.

- Those halve loaves of bread you can buy at IGA

- Shouting people drinks.

Single life is actually a beautiful diamond period of your life where you don't give a fuck what anyone thinks and you can genuinely do all of the things that the laws of a relationship rule out. So go forth - drink that 16th bloody mary, text that person at 3am, play spin the bottle, be an idiot, fuck around, send weird snap chats and for the love of god don't ever settle.

FUCKET LIST

Everyone should have one. If you don't then I assume you've checked everything off and you're some kind of super stud with at least a child or some form of incurable disease. No judgement or nothing- just judgement you know? I want to present you with a fact:

People love fucking.

I believe it was Einstein who said that, and who's going to argue with that guy? No one...because none of you are mediums and John Edward is a dirty fraud. In fact, so are you. I have spent weeks interviewing a heap of people who I happen to know love having sex and have compiled a handy little list that you can take home with you tonight as you are cry masturbating in the shower as all normal 20 somethings do every Monday evening. Right?

Right.

Anyway, here you will find a comprehensive note of all the dirty little things that I have compiled (after many drunken nights asking people forcefully what they would love to have on their Fucket List usually followed by: What? What's that?) that we as humans love to do so much that we risk everything in order to, including and not limited to our precious dignity.

In the words of Marvin Gaye, let's get it on:

1. Sex under the Harbour Bridge at around 2am on a Wednesday morning. (I've thought about it)

2. A session in which you don't speak before, during, or after

3. Sex with food (take that as you will)

4. Do a line of coke off a buttock.

5. To completely dominate someone (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)

6. Attend a Swinger's Club

7. Have sex on the side of the road during a road trip.

8. Fuck on a plane. (There's motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane)

9. Have sex with a woman as a straight woman completely sober.

10. Join a couple as a third.

11. The....yawn...threesome

12. Have sex again with the person who took your virginity years later.

13. Film yourself

14. To be completely dominated (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)

15. In the back of a truck.

16. Sex with an extremely tall man/woman

17. Sex with someone in a fluffy mascot outfit. (HAAAAAA)

18. In front of other people.

19. In the change rooms of a shop.

20. Going down on someone in a car, while driving.

21. Give a man head in less than 5 minutes.

22. Break a shower.

23. Camping wilderness.

24. Foot sex.

25. Boob sex.

26. Butt sex.

27. Sex with a musician (isn't that everyones?)

28. On top of a washing machine

29. In your/their parents bed.

30. In some form of water (I highly recommend not doing this by the way- it can ruin sex for you for quite some time)

31. On a ski lift (obviously a shralper)

32. Take someone's virginity.

33. At a house party.

34. Experience the throw down.

35. Experience an orgasm (sad but true in many cases- c'mon boys)

36.Beads...

37. On the beach (heard of a prawn cutlet?)

38. With a complete stranger.

39. Fuck a cougar

40. Someone with a beard going down on you.

41. Fucking a D List celebrity

42. At a festival.

43. While high.

44. With a bartender.

45. With a stripper.

46. With a prostitute.

47. A the rooftop of a building.

48. In front of your old high school.

49. On the stoop of someone's house

50. Hate sex.


So far this is all I have compiled from a smattering of my friends and a little bit of my own tucked away in there. Soz if this is a bit too wild for your Monday night, this is what I like to talk about with my significant acquaintances and now you all known (anonymously) how fucked up their heads are and how much they probably haven't been banged out lately.

Single life is a tumultuous rollercoaster of disappointing liaisons and mind blowing experiences, its all about finding what you can get away with and ticking off your list one point at a time.

So, how did you go?

LIFE LESSONS FROM SOMEONE WHO IS SHIT AT LIFE.

Its been a while. Soz. 

After some time neglecting this blog, I have gained some life perspective that I just couldn't not share with you because I just know how you are all desperately wading through life like its a bowl of hommus, but you just can't seem to find your lavosh cracker. Well here I am, your cracker with no clue guiding you blindly into the abyss with shit life advice and an abundance of inappropriate references you may have to google and then be disappointed by.

So strap yourselves in for a fucking stupid ride through some life lessons that I have seemed to learn and hopefully you will come away with this being infinitely dumber and just a little bit sluttier.

1. Stand by your drunk texts.

Who gives a fuuuuuuccckkkk hey. If someone is that dim they can't gauge that you may be 86 shandys deep when you throw them a winky emoji at 2:45am, then that is their loss. Whatever embarrassing thing you may have written, EG: talking about BJs with your close male friend, or expressing your deep lust with a picture of a dugong- at least you were thinking about that person and they should be fucking stoked because majority of the time no one thinks about anyone but themselves.

2. Dont EVER let anyone make you feel like a slut for sexing them on the first date/meeting/eye contact.

Casual sex is one of life's little joys in which you can easily slip in and out (EW) and not have to deal with those pesky emotions that usually occur between whatever sex blows your hair back. Not everyone wants to be married/in a relationship/ taken out for a nice meal. Sometimes people just want to fuck and thats absolutely fine. This doesn't define who they are as a person or what type of undies they wear. For all you know they could be wearing a pair of Looney Tunes boxer shorts underneath that mini skirt, but you will never know if you keep up this archaic view of women be sluts and men be legends. Its old. Boring.

3. Start talking to strangers more.

A sexy girlfriend of mine has complained to me many a time of how dudes just don't seem to be on the hunt anymore. No dudes speak to her and she finds she has to be the one to go out fishing. This is such a weird concept for chicks. Let me explain why- the thing is as single women we have to deal with Tinder being such a lazy fucking option that inevitably the scene becomes lazy. Surprisingly you can't fuck your iPhone. So bitches be shopping for a man, approach said man, man has girlfriend, approach another man, gets looked at like a crazy person/stalker, retreats back into corner and sips vodka lime soda. Maybe this is the way it is, or maybe we as women have become somewhat entitled to feeling desired? Who knows, all i know is fuck all.

4. WebMD will almost always make you think you have AIDS.

5. Eat your Oportos double fillet bondi burger like no one is watching.

6. If you have followed your dreams for 5 fucking years and still no one is paying you for it, keep going.

7. Most dudes with beards are hiding something. Almost always, their weak jawlines.

8. I can't wait for all the late 90s shit to go out of trend and for everyone who was actually present and with it when it first came in to hate themselves all over again for giving in to the tattoo choker necklaces and shit and to slowly pluck their butterfly clips out of their hair one by one and shed a glitter tear for each plastic one.

9. A skinny bitch cocktail is actually a vodka lime soda. I made a dick of myself at a bar in the city recently and I just can't seem to shake the look of disgust in that bartender's eye as I argued with him about what it was when I actually didn't really know. Theres a lesson, just fucking own up to shit you don't know. I had the best burger there and now I can't go back because of my stubborn yet sexy attitude.

10. If you're growing your hair out (like I am) just bite the bullet and watch yourself transform from a whole range of 90s alternative lead singers. I was in the Gavin Rossdale of Bush stage, then in the Brandon Boyd 'Morning View' album stage, now slowly sliding into Dave Navarro when he played with the Chili Peppers. FINGERS CROSSED for the final stage: Eddie Vedder circa 1991.

11. For christ's sakes start watching Broad City and Inside Amy Schumer. If you want to get a deeper insight into how chicks actually are, these two shows will open your eyeballs to all of that and more.

12. Learn to say NO when you really don't want to do something. I mean if you are half assed about it, then maybe say YES because you might actually enjoy it. Like cronuts. But if you really can't be fucked then just say no. Because really the only opinion that truly matters is the one you have about yourself.

13. Stop posting bikini shots.

We get it, you're a rig. Fuck. 

14. Try and do anything to maintain the rig. We are in a digital age people, your Insty can only gauge 10% of your personality. Remember that.

15. If you can, scream sing anything by John Farnham with your friends on Australia Day. It is more of a stress reliever than any form of Xanax or sex. You would be surprised, plus it makes for a great bagpipe solo, which my friends can attest to.

16. Save all of your money and then buy something stupid like a blow up paddle pool, 56 glittery lighters or the rights to someone's virginity online. This is shit you can't get away with when you're in your 30s.

17. Stop reading all of those numbered lists online. They are stupid...oh wait.

18. An iced vovo can make a beautiful hat.

19. When you're feeling lonely just listen to some Ja Rule and remind yourself why you ever were born in the first place. To sit, eat a schnitzel and listen to some Murder Inc. Oh yeah, and drink so much cheap alcohol that you can't open your eyes the next morning as they are glazed over in a fine film of sweat, regret, and tabouli.

20. If all else fails, just pretend to know what you're doing. The fuckers will never find out.

Now go forth, be all you can be in this bizarre world of likes, political opinions, and marijuana fuelled ambiguity. This is your life, take it by the sweaty balls.