tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12081999293798760152024-02-18T21:46:57.946-08:00I COULD NEVER BE DEAFI COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.comBlogger199125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-20858560542402814442016-08-06T17:34:00.002-07:002016-08-06T17:40:30.383-07:00DRY S-P-E-L-L<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you have had the pleasure/nightmare of being in my presence for the past year you will have been informed of the abhorrent and embarrassing number of months for which I have been abstinent. Apparently this happens to a lot of people. But I feel like thats what people say to you to make you feel as though you aren't some sort of sexual loser who runs around parks with their phones out catching fictional Japanese animals (topical).<br />
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I know out there somewhere that there are people like me, chewing their nails and lowering their standards by the second, so I thought I would share some things I've learnt on how to get through a drought reminiscent of the 1994 bushfires which will always play a large part of my childhood because my sassy parents gave me an actual cabbage that Christmas instead of a cabbage patch doll and that stays behind my minds like a 'Nam style flashback.<br />
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1. Don't shout out in IKEA that you are "involuntarily celibate" on a Saturday morning only to have all the husbands within earshot white knuckled clutching their yellow pencils and paper measuring tape look at you knowingly. Not only will you feel like a cunt to the kids in the room who don't need your shit, but it will make that $1 hot dog extra hard to fellate after you've made it through the beast of a check out line with the look of shame splayed across your pathetic face.<br />
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2. When you go out into social situations make sure to place a rubber band on your wrist to flick each time you want to bring it up. I find that I bring it up too much and yet I can't stop myself. Not only is it a way of laughing through the tears, but its also increasingly uncomfortable for my friends who revel in sweaty morning breath sex while I am sitting here sucking on a Butter Menthol in my undies typing this inane shite.<br />
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3. At the very least, try and compile a set list of songs that you can listen to and think of a much grander time when you were fucking absolute losers that you met over Tinder. While doing this, think of the last time you saw some action which involved a man lying face down on your bed completely naked with his finger in his mouth. As your face twists much like all the D-grade actors in The Ring who got fucked up by the little girl with the long hair, perhaps be thankful that a male version of Lena Dunham isn't wrapped up in the sheets you stole from your childhood home last time you were there eating BBQ pineapple.<br />
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4. Don't say things like "I would die to give a BJ" after a few wines. It makes everyone feel really weird especially when you say it with a Lord Gladstone burger hanging out of your mouth while simultaneously holding eye contact with a male co-worker. This is a low point. You definitely wouldn't die to do it, but you would probably supervise a day at an abattoir or the like. At the very least you would know where your burgers are coming from.<br />
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5. Quit hitting on hospitality workers. I know I reference this a lot, but jesus christ the sheer scale of bartenders who have been eye molested by me in the past year or so is disgraceful. There is just something about someone shaking your cocktail and probably the 45 beers you've had prior to rationalising that you can afford a cocktail which allows this to happen. Don't "throw shapes" at your local barista either. It is the fucking morning. You have no excuse except for watching hours of The X Files the previous night which we all know doesn't help anyone. Bloody Duchovny.<br />
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6. Don't contemplate going to Pokemon Go outings just to see if you can get some ass because statistically they would also be in the same boat as you.<br />
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7. Don't write to people on Tinder "Wanna fuq?" no matter how much you want to. Also, don't long for a dick so you can send it in a pic. I kind of get it now.<br />
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8. You may start having sex dreams about the weirdest people. Some homeless dude you saw get on a bus, your gay best friends, the guys behind Baseketball and South Park (to be fair that is a recurring one and Im not mad about it), a bottle of Aesop hand wash, some criminal you saw on a Louis Theroux documentary, Ed Sheeran, David Miscavige the leader of Scientology, the smoke stacks in Sydney Park that I can see from my bedroom balcony, a bottle of Yellowglen etc.<br />
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69. Don't stand in your yard with a milkshake crying.<br />
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10. Go to TOWN on yourself. After all, no one will love you the way you love yourself. Throw on some Chet Faker or Alanis Morissette- whatever your flavour might be. Personally, I can see the benefits of a bit of Craig David from time to time and let loose. I mean, what the fuck else are you going to do? Light a candle and enjoy that 3 minutes and 25 seconds like its the last on earth.<br />
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<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-43754809550264102462016-07-08T01:14:00.000-07:002016-07-08T01:14:11.621-07:00LEVELS OF SINGLEDOM<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span id="goog_223493289"></span><span id="goog_223493290"></span>As the wise ranga, Ronan Keating once said, "Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it". Well thats all well and good for someone featured on the Notting Hill soundtrack, but for others, namely single folk it takes a rather nasty turn on the uphill slope and sooner than you know, you are careening downward into a gin and tonic fuelled shame spiral accompanied by Netflix binges and ordering $45 worth of Chinese food because Menulog is a dirty thief and you are fat, alone and fucking hungry.<br />
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After wafting through the delicate and ugg boot filled fields of a relationship, you become thrust into the stark light of single day and dear god, you do not look pretty. There are definite levels of singledom that we undesirables go through, and I am here to spell them out for you in horrendous glory.<br />
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STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON</h2>
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You have broken up with your love and you are feeling bruised, battered and a little bit horny. Grief does that to people, just watch any primetime drama featuring Sigrid Thornton or the like. As a way to ease your pain, you hit the town in nothing but your kitten heels and smile on your stupid fucking face. ANYONE will be yours tonight. You hit Tinder so hard that your little thumb begins to crack the bottom half of your phone and take on whoever and whatever. Even Toby the 35 year old tradesman with reflector wrap around speed dealers and a southern cross tattoo can have a go.</div>
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You fuck losers with small dicks who have gel in their hair and they treat you like shit and you STILL want them to call you the next day so they can talk shit about how they got a flaccid promotion and how the chick at work who get her ass pinched by them is a lesbian. The dudes you fuck after your last relationship are fucking putrid and for some reason make the rejection even worse. Probably because they sleep in a king single and they talk shit to you about how amazing they are in bed only that when they go down on you they act like they are yelling the chant of their swimming carnival house. For shame.</div>
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FUCK OFF</h2>
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Usually after this slew of dickheads you are feeling a little bit raw and jaded. Can't blame ya. You contemplate becoming a nun or a priest, you wonder if you can actually become a virgin again, when lets face it girl, your pussy is done. You wonder if Tinder was constructed by the devil, and therefore each time you go on some shat date that the dark underlord reaches into your soul and rips a part out to sprinkle over his fettuccine carbonara like that pre packaged rancid parmesan you get at Coles. You will be spending a shit load of time at Coles.</div>
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After many weeks of sighing and furious masturbating to Chet Faker, you finally decide to let another prick tease take you out on a watered down date only to have a measly excuse for a human being wearing a cut off denim vest insult you by calling you "unarousing". You don't know how you got here. You don't know how to get out. You go home, eat a quarter pounder, and don't make anything any better for yourself. If you aren't able to arouse a stiffy out of your male counterpart, then what fucking good are you woman? You might as well be a fucking kitchen house appliance and cook the man some fucking toast with your udder tits and big mouth.</div>
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GOLD JACKET, GREEN JACKET- WHO GIVES A SHIT?</h2>
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You have now reached pinnacle single. You have come into the golden era my friend. You walk triumphantly from the shops holding a 24 pack of toilet paper, winking at the bearded gentlemen who are just trying to eat their labne coated eggs in peace. You no longer give a flying fuck about the title that is "single". Your self esteem grows like a silent STD, festering until you are glowing behind those eternally hungover eyeballs.</div>
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Fridays were once spent tying cherry stems at bars with bewildered bartenders silently calling security over, and now they are solely reserved for dancing around in your undies while simultaneously eating warhead spray and getting high off your own supply. Instead of feeling rejected, you feel sympathy for the men you have left behind and start off on your own path of discovering how to make the most perfectly timed popcorn bag as you sit down and reminisce on that time when you used to give a shit. </div>
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NOW GO FORTH AND DRINK BEERS IN THE SHOWER AS NATURE AND GOD INTENDED</div>
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Disclaimer: These levels do fluctuate and repeat constantly until the fucking end of time.</div>
I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-56913548336523625102016-07-07T23:01:00.002-07:002016-07-07T23:01:35.094-07:00NIKITA KARMEN 'OUT OF THE PARK'<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you're looking for a sweet pocket of sunshine to brighten up this otherwise dreary Winter month, then look no further than the new wave of country music coming out of Sydney.<br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikitakingmusic/" target="_blank">Nikita Karmen</a> has taken Nashville by the neck and just seems to be rising higher and higher in the girl-next-door who will break your heart and write about it stakes. She has recently released her first single 'Out Of The Park' on iTunes, Spotify and the like and it really speaks to those who ready to give up after one too many horrible dates.<br />
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Dedicated to her twin sister, the tune is soulful yet sweet. Laden with punchy pop riffs, a warm twang rings out underneath the top notch production and her fun lyrics shine as the star.<br />
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She isn't just one to watch, you won't have a choice very soon, when her music takes over the airwaves, but most of all, thaws even the most frosty of hearts.<br />
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LISTEN BELOW:<br />
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<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-88358679701444877212016-01-29T22:23:00.001-08:002016-01-29T22:23:36.766-08:00CUT AS.<div style="text-align: center;">
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People always go on about heart break and all that jazz. How you can't get out of bed, and how it hurts to even begin to order your cronut at the local bakery. How you dream about that person over and over again until you buy yourself some dreamcatcher off Ebay and have it flown express from Nimbin straight to your door. But not many people chat about what its like to be just cut. </div>
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You haven't had your heart broken, but you can definitely feel somewhat rattled by catching feelings like a fucking idiot. Being cut doesn't extend to those who had a dalliance with someone either. You could be cut because you got to Medicare a couple of minutes late, or maybe you stubbed your toe, or maybe you're cut because you texted someone at 3am and have never received a response back, or you could be at a cafe and all of your mates ordered something incredible and you got stuck with yoghurt and muesli because you read the health section of the Sunday paper and regretted it immediately. Everyone gets cut, i think at least each week of their lives, and there needs to be a definitive guide in how to deal with feeling like shit but not to the point where you'll care in a couple of days.</div>
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1. Start smoking. Hell, theres no better way than to have an existential moment and contemplate your life while listening to 'Regulate' than with a smooth rillo in your hand. You can assess your life while simultaneously ending it at the same time! Two birds, one stone and all that. Start asking strangers for a light as if you're some sort of 1986 video vixen and begin talking about how VHS will eventually make a comeback in an old timey accent until you are asked to the leave the premises by a security guard. Hit on said security guard and then go the fuck home.</div>
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2. Start exercising. But do all those stupid niche trendy classes that come and go like thunderstorms in Sydney. Tell anyone who will listen about your dancing in the dark class, or how you spent the last half an hour in gym tights balancing on bollards down The Rocks while some dude who actually looks like a human shit screamed at you to FEEL DA BURN. Or maybe you could start your own class where you gather all of the council pick up rubbish and run over it on a motorised scooter. I heard thats great for the core. Make sure you mention this to all of your friends who are stinging to get away from you as you smell like pilates mats and old hair.</div>
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3. Get drunk. Get drunk everywhere and make sure that at least one person sees your undies per evening on the tins. Whether it be a cheeky slip of the jeans while making eye contact with a 78 year old across the local RSL, or if you actually go A over T while trying to create good karma for yourself by picking up the 5 cents that someone dropped in the line for fuel at the local Caltex. You haven't driven to the Caltex as you will be drunk, you've just walked there to get a family sized packet of M and Ms which you can eat naked in your bed in around 15 minutes while spooning your laptop and wanking to old episodes you've downloaded of The Secret Life Of Us.</div>
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4. Take a Thai food cooking class because why not just make shit worse for yourself? If you are the self destructive type, then I suggest the following:</div>
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- Thai cooking class.</div>
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- Download Tinder</div>
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- Tell your nan to fuck off.</div>
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- Order a Nicoise Salad at the pub on schnitzel night.</div>
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- See a dog and don't pat it.</div>
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- Corner a stranger at the pub and lecture them on The Doors.</div>
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- Drink Sambucca.</div>
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- Listen to Jewel.</div>
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- Write slam poetry and actually perform it somewhere in Zetland on a Tuesday night in front of actual people.</div>
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- Start wearing your swimmers as underwear and tell people about it with a sad look on your face.</div>
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- Cook a cheesecake and bring it into work to share with everyone, and then when people give you a piece say "Nah, im watching my figure".</div>
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- Cough a bit for a day and then Web MD it.</div>
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- Talk to your friends about taking down and putting up your Christmas tree.</div>
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- Masturbate to Justin Bieber.</div>
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- Watch the new Point Break.</div>
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- Write Yelp reviews.</div>
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- Buy a packet of scotch fingers and then throw it to pigeons.</div>
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5. Once you've come out of the initial shock of stubbing your toe etc, you will realise that you're no longer cut, you're a bit of alright. Once this has set in, you my friend have begun the healing process and its time to rip that band aid off. Hit up a club night that you used to go to when you were 20, demand free entry to the 19 year old door bitch and then once you're in there take a pill like you used to, dance like no one is watching, and then begin the process all over again the following day as you have just cut your own self and you now know that life is just a giant spinning wheel of bullshit of your own making.</div>
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I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-84305007597477328822016-01-24T23:37:00.004-08:002016-01-24T23:37:54.177-08:00CHIX IN SYDNEY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Im known for misinformed judgements, and this will be no different. A little while ago I made some comments about the men who frequent the harbourside city of Sydney and now its the girls turn. What you may not know is that I am indeed a woman who resides in the luxurious city of Sydney and in my travels I have met many a man and woman who fall into certain categories. I do love me some categories, so here goes.<br />
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CLEAN CHIX</h2>
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So you will definitely know at least one of these girls. They drink their kale juices, and buy their Lorna Jane, and run their Bondi to Bronte but what they also do is take pingaz from Friday-Sunday. Their insatiable appetite for house music and railing off of a toilet bowl at The Bucket List will always top their need for overpriced pilates and rating dudes on Tinder according to their radius to Chris Brown aka The Bondi Vet. They usually reside somewhere east, but would go to Frankie's after work on a Friday to keep up with what the kewl people do. Fuck you if you think they are going to order some pizza though. They are gluten and skateboard intolerant and will not speak to you if you don't have the latest Free Runs in your closet. They love fluro but only on their feet, and almost definitely have some sort of skin care idea in their pipeline. #cleaneating is their mantra, however if you need a dealer at 4am, this chick is your girl. Fuck they froth on acai.</div>
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NEWTOWN CHIX</h2>
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The complete opposite of the Clean Chix. They have the beginning stages of emphysema but know the cousin of the dog's uncles bassist of the band who played at the Lansdowne last year. They can direct you to the best prosciutto in the city, while if you fucking think they are going to shuffle their Doc Martens anywhere past Waterloo then you my friend are sorely mistaken. They date absolute fuckwits who they think they can change, but really he just wants a bed spread from Urban Outfitters to cover his skinny legs before he has to get up and bump in the latest mini festival at a bowling club. They refuse to play by the rules, sneaking Beach Burrito into the Enmore for a Courtney Love show (true story) while finding it hard to leave the warm and sweaty embrace of Clem's chicken shop on King Street. Their air of mystery is always lost somewhere into the third hour at The Courthouse as they fall gracefully down the stairs into a full ashtray and think to themselves "I am home".</div>
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CBD CHIX</h2>
You know the type. They are breaking balls and cracking through that glass ceiling all day while at night will be tripping over their patent nude heels in a pencil skirt while ordering a mojito at Barrio Cellar. They trot through the city in the morning with hope in their hearts and John Mayer through their headphones, while hoping that their ass doesn't get pinched by some yuppie on their way through Wynyard station. They are immune to the beauty of Circular Quay as they have been coerced into attending WAY too many Vivid Festivals that they now have to wear glasses in order to not be colourblind. They know the bouncer at The Glenmore and can get you a free shot at Opera Bar with one flick of their security pass. They wear shimmer tights but don't let the glittery limbs of this chick fool you, she will fucking ruin you if you try and get in her way...at the crossing on George Street. Each morning she should be holding the fucking Olympic torch for she can out run Cathy Freeman with the speediness in her trot and a spirit that can't be broken by the money on her Opal card stalling.<br />
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NORTH SHORE CHIX</h2>
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So this has turned into a bit of a blight on suburbs. Soz. Oh fuck me. They are always embroiled in some sort of Hens night situation. You will find them on Oxford Street complaining about how Shark Bar in Manly was a way better option and thats where they would be if their boyfriend of 12 years would finally propose. Nah, but its coming hey. Im sure of it, we spoke about it in 2009 and he said he was not really into it, but boys are just scared! On the aforementioned street, they will be yelling things such as "EW!" to humble passers by who just happen to be sick in the street. Its not that big of a deal. Their dad knows the police commissioner so don't even think you can upstream her in a cab line. She mourns the closing down of Hugo's everyday by lighting a salted caramel candle and rubbing Aesop products on her bikini line. You think you know her, but you never will. Just look up her fashion blog if you want to get a better idea though.</div>
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<h2>
CHIX WHO CAN HANG</h2>
They are always the one at the bar buying the first round of VBs. She is ushering in the group of LADS who are stinging to get to Porkys so they can throw their wads of fives around while trying to think of an excuse to tell their mums the next day as Macca tagged them there when he was in the toilet. Fuck you Macca! She doesn't get along with other girls, she tells fucking everyone this. She knows the latest deals on at Lowes (so do I to be fair) she doesn't give a shit about calling you a cunt in front of your grandmother. She calls all her mates cunts, its a term of endearment, fucking Buzzfeed told me so! She posts quotes on Instagram because she wants to reveal her true feelings, but hates feminists with a fiery passion as they are just man haters and she loves her bros because they will beat the shit out of anyone who orders a hot dog from the servo before her.<br />
<br />
Lets be honest but, if you ever have the pleasure of having a vagina in your face count your fucking lucky stars as all women are beautiful, mystical creatures who will steal your heart and your wallet if you're not careful.<br />
<div>
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<div>
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<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-75383983456601949012015-11-06T12:57:00.000-08:002015-11-06T13:09:28.395-08:00MEN IN SYDNEY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaFal582Z9OkCnkre1RPvkpsFLCS5WhI6-pr99jXgctAXbqZDF525q8CrCd_gwPWLTDhR54OL3S0dPctMRhzRlQ1EnQtgwkCDjmbACkaL7CZ0vXtLugBMNjDPk6DV2YoykDicT4M0ffME/s1600/sydney.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaFal582Z9OkCnkre1RPvkpsFLCS5WhI6-pr99jXgctAXbqZDF525q8CrCd_gwPWLTDhR54OL3S0dPctMRhzRlQ1EnQtgwkCDjmbACkaL7CZ0vXtLugBMNjDPk6DV2YoykDicT4M0ffME/s320/sydney.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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You would not believe the amount of penises I had to sift through on Tumblr to get the photograph above. SO MANY. Impressive looking ones, but still- christ Tumblr. You can literally look up the word "flowers" on it and still be turkey slapped with a huge dong on a Saturday morning. Get your shit together.<br />
<br />
So its been about a year and a half that Ive been single in the picturesque city of Sydney and I have come to know very well or very little the calibre of dude that lurks around these parts with their buns in the sky and their heads facing down into their Tinder accounts. I thought I would make some brash assumptions and generalisations about the men that frequent the suburbs of Sydney and place them all here so you my delicate women can be aware of the range of bloke they are dealing with.<br />
<br />
<h2>
THE OBVIOUSLY BEARDED MAN.</h2>
He listens to Hip Hop but not in a way that means he will be stalking Drapht and Downside's Instagram account. He only listens to it when he is at Freda's on a Saturday evening sipping a Mojito at the back of the bar and refusing to dance. He is scattered into literally every single area of Sydney- you are never safe from an aggressive amount of facial hair. He mainly reserves his time in the inner west, Redfern and Surry Hills though. Sometimes he wears a tiny beard and an ironic necklace around his neck (an iron or a pineapple or some shit). He almost always is nursing a weak jawline or weak personality. He will talk to you about his beard until you feel like some kind of fucked up Cinderella from chugging so many wines to get through the evening that you run off and leave your Wittner heel somewhere on platform 3 at Redfern Station. He probably plays an instrument...badly. He thinks he can do better than you anyway so you shouldn't put too much stock into this one as he will always have one eyeball on your tits and the other on the chick who looks like she may have a septum piercing whos standing at the bar behind you but he can't tell because the bar is too dark and his whiskey is too strong and it hurts his tummy.<br />
<br />
<h2>
LARRY DAVID</h2>
<div>
He is misunderstood. He is neurotic in a charming yet irritating way. He is manipulative because he tries to be but its so obvious that its hard to be manipulated by him. He is intelligent. He will almost always send you a dick pic not for sexual reasons but in the genuine interest to see if you think he has a pretty dick. He doesn't. Referencing himself to a character on Curb Your Enthusiasm shows that he watches too much television after softly masturbating himself to sleep after perusing through some interesting Reddit AMA's. He refuses to do things by the book as he feels this makes him more interesting but it doesn't, it makes him difficult and a cushioned anarchist. He likes it when you tell him this as it allows for the inevitable transition of him travelling to Thailand when he is 45 and paying someone to step on his balls for him.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h2>
POPPED COLLARS.</h2>
<div>
You know the type. He is probably still arguing with the bouncer at The Sheaf right now about how he has only had 3 glasses of Veuve champagne down at Rose Bay wharf with some work colleagues before heading into Double Bay. He has three large concerns that take up his entire brain:</div>
<div>
1. What the fuck is going on with Australia's dollar right now?</div>
<div>
2. Fuck I hope Turnbull isn't going to ruin the incredible work Abbott just put in.</div>
<div>
3. Who's getting bags tonight?</div>
<div>
If you are after an ill fitting pastel shirt, this is your guy and if you are after someone calling you a peasant slut once you reject them, then you have found your soulmate. They listen to Triple J to keep up with the kids but would actually have an aneurysm if faced with Splendour In The Grass. Who the fuck is going to clean that fucking mud off their Hunter gumboots in time for winter wonderland at Mrs.Sippy? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h2>
DUNE RATS SKATER DUDES.</h2>
<div>
There are so many of these out and about these days. Usually aged from 18-23, they are long haired Bart Simpson looking characters who will almost always skid just a little too close to you on their skatey as they fang up King Street. They love pingers. They listen to punchy garage rock and feel like they are the new wave Nirvana. You know, taking grunge into 2015 and just fucking chilling with it ay. Those chicks with chokers on have to have someone to fuck yeah? Its like a crazy hybrid of relationship where the guy resembles Eddie Vedder on opium and the chick is a goth Cher from Clueless. Theres no judgement here, I love to see this shit and just feel the "kewl" emanate off them. Sometimes I just bask in it myself and feel infinitely cooler and for that I thank them, because without them Id be some dork running around the streets with a pony tail and glasses and carrying text books even though I don't attend any type of school and clearly don't have the money to buy text books- but almost certainly karate kicked someone waiting at the bus stop outside Sydney University. Those people are always running for buses- fuck university doesn't need to be so dramatic...relax.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h2>
2 THOUSAND AND SICK DUDES.</h2>
<div>
My personal favourites. I identify with them the most as I would consider myself a 2 thousand and sick girl (this type of post about girls will be coming eventually). They are the ones who are most pissed about the lockouts as they tasted the fruit that was Sydney and now that fruit is gone and why. Fucking why. They went to BDO when JUSTICE played running into the Boiler Room screaming "WE ! ARE ! YOUR ! FRIENDS! YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN NOW COME ON!" and they know how to mix a house party. Honestly, if there is anyone you would want at your house party, invite the 2 thousand and sick dude. He almost always has a set of decks that he tends to like the rose bud of a woman. They can identify the opening 3 seconds of any Cut Copy track even if it has just been mixed with Tina Arena. They have seen every Presets tour date that occured from 2007-2010 and probably have some sort of Bag Raiders shirt. You will have 2 outcomes of the 2 thousand and sick- they are either drug fucked or heaps successful. Either way, they rule.</div>
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<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-42221687706342627802015-09-04T16:58:00.000-07:002015-09-04T16:58:15.779-07:00WHERE TO PICK UP CHICKS BY A CHICK<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVw9iD9Q5YTAH4PanlDIbpwPKCUOXDRhUYAN1-6Z8oDW_lU1XID-X4E6pQg5T6zqDVUEVmJuXNDFXojcWlYbbnkmVLDic6XyjrnRmwqhIlfHeSkgK2QeaIpXuVVdYrrTBnf2xa4ZbPxhY/s1600/great.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVw9iD9Q5YTAH4PanlDIbpwPKCUOXDRhUYAN1-6Z8oDW_lU1XID-X4E6pQg5T6zqDVUEVmJuXNDFXojcWlYbbnkmVLDic6XyjrnRmwqhIlfHeSkgK2QeaIpXuVVdYrrTBnf2xa4ZbPxhY/s320/great.jpg" width="234" /></a></div>
<br />
People have become officially lazy.<br />
<br />
One common sentence that has been thrown around recently by single girlfriends of mine is, "Men don't pick up girls anymore". With the rising yet empty star Tinder taking over our love, life and loins- the art of picking up has fallen by the wayside. Its an epidemic and its time we took a stand and changed what we now know as our dwindling love lives. This is where I come in. Not to say I am an expert on this, but if I had a penis I am 84% sure that I would have some bombshell lying between my legs and sheets about now.<br />
<br />
But alas, a penis I have not. However, I do have some handy tips that will hopefully help the men of Sydney get off their asses and phones, and face their fears head on in the hopes of at least a gobbie.<br />
<br />
1. POP UP BARS.<br />
<br />
Chicks LOVE this shit. "Oh hey Shirley, did you hear about the latest pop up bar in Hyde Park?", "Yeah I sure did Tiffany, they are selling elderflower and semen flavoured gin martinis in tiny tiny jars down there for only $26 a pop, we should totally go". Well then boys, what are you doing just standing around? Head down to your local pop up, which we know in Sydney, there is always one happening every single day all throughout the year and try your hardest at scoring some tail. Throw on your nicest slacks from Factorie or Bonds or wherever you get your jeans and sit in the corner making prolonged eye contact with the babe of your choice until she is forced to say, "What the fuck are you looking at?"<br />
<br />
2. ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.<br />
<br />
Now in Australia, we are becoming known for our off the cuff directing skills and there being some form of racist fuckwit on board your local train, bus or ferry. Not only will you have the balls (right?) to stand up to someone while simultaneously filming them, but the gals on board will admire your hutzpah. If this fails and everyone on your bus seems to be a respectful and well rounded person (yawn), you will have to go to your local optometrist, cross your fingers that you don't have 20/20 and get yourself some spectacles. Put on said spectacles and read a book. This will win over all of the chicks who follow that NYC based Instagram called 'Hot dudes reading' or some shit and you will soon be reading all of the curves of her supple body. You're welcome. Whatever you do though, make sure your fly is done up all the way before throwing down some moves, or you will just be that weirdo on the 308.<br />
<br />
3. WAITING IN LINE AT BLACK STAR PASTRY.<br />
<br />
All of us Inner West fuck lords know about Black Star Pastry. Not only does it hold host to one of the best cakes in the universe (Watermelon cake), but there is always at least a 30 metre line spilling out of there at all times on a weekend. Utilise this boys. You look like you give a shit about sweet things, and you look like you have patience, money, and a taste for carrot cake. Chicks love carrot cake. Use this time to softly gaze beyond your knock off Ray Ban clubmasters and stroke your inevitable beard as you genuinely decide between the brownie and walking away to save 25 minutes of your precious life.<br />
<br />
4. AT A DOG PARK.<br />
<br />
Fuck me. Chicks love dogs. Get yourself some form of Oodle, Bulldog or squished face hound and wait. In fact, if you can find a way to traipse about the city while walking said mutt, all the better. But in a dog park you can not only be the hero if some massive doberman goes a girl's pug, you can also seductively bend down while picking up your dog's business while looking back at your woman of choice and giving the slowest wink you could possibly muster. This will remind her of how she always wanted a man who knows how to stack the dishwasher, and she will go home and put some more cut outs from Woman's Day on her positivity board and think of you while touching herself to Ed Sheeran's latest album.<br />
<br />
5. EXERCISING.<br />
<br />
This is for people who live East of Moore Park Road. All you people who right now are yogging around Centennial Park while listening to a Spotify Playlist of 'RUNNING TRAX' which mainly consist of poorly mashed up dance songs from the early 2000's. I always hear on Z-List dating shows about how a man wants a woman who can "take care of herself", don't fucking bullshit anyone dude- you want a chick who will "eat a steak with your mates" while going on juice cleanses on the days she doesn't see you so she can uphold that Jessica Rowe body you've been frothing on since you were 13. If this is the kind of girl you're after, head to Bondi to Bronte beach walk and weirdly work out on those things that are dotted along the coastline as you check out the local talent and the INSANE amount of Lorna Jane sports bras that bounce up and down, up and down and the girl in question has a silent monologue running through her head about whether or not quinoa is a super food, or whether The Project has lied to her that week. Fuck you Carrie Bickmore.<br />
<br />
Just give up, ay.<br />
<br />
<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-21220579672357439022015-06-13T02:16:00.003-07:002015-06-13T02:16:57.920-07:00SINGLE LIFE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ8OVCrpiK7HDV15VCPu2PuJAc-vLzDbC4hyxSTAv2d9nczFyz7eaRfDbXoq8CRewxqnfVNN4zcM7bnVpJn6Wu-AEiSKMakch2u3vLCA2hDdgKXXM0-SqlAmhhE2QBZjDCOrvtbjj9D9c/s1600/winny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ8OVCrpiK7HDV15VCPu2PuJAc-vLzDbC4hyxSTAv2d9nczFyz7eaRfDbXoq8CRewxqnfVNN4zcM7bnVpJn6Wu-AEiSKMakch2u3vLCA2hDdgKXXM0-SqlAmhhE2QBZjDCOrvtbjj9D9c/s320/winny.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
So you've found yourself single. Happens to the best of us. A whole new world of drinking excessively on a weeknight opens up and you find yourself having bought a Playschool VHS on Ebay and hitting up someone you fucked back in 2010 who is probably in a stable, adult, happy relationship filled with homemade marmalade, exercise, and matching cardigans.<br />
<br />
I have been musing over the past few hours about what the best and worst parts about being single are. As you know they say the grass is greener on the other side, but the thought of arguing in Woolworths over the flavour of Airwick spray you are going to need for your new shared bathroom with your significant other makes me want to wax my eyelashes off.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>BEST:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><br /></b></span>
+ Having the freedom to dance around in your undies to all of the songs that you find sexy. Even though you are almost guaranteed to look like a fucking idiot while doing so, you can get your own self into the mood then swiftly masturbate in around 2-3 minutes.<br />
<br />
+ Lying in, on and around your bed with no hairy, snoring, sweating, sexually inconsiderate mess lying beside you. Also, knowing that you have the choice to have a different wooly mammoth beside you each night of the week if you so choose.<br />
<br />
+ Flirting.<br />
<br />
+ Sex with strangers<br />
<br />
+ Casual Sex<br />
<br />
+ Shameless sex through glory holes if you so wish.<br />
<br />
+ Actually understanding what all of those 90s rappers were talking about. E.G: 'You can give me some head/ But keep the breakfast in bed / I'd rather spend the morning digging through some records instead.'<br />
<br />
+ Not having to buy half assed birthday presents.<br />
<br />
+ Not having to pretend to enjoy family outings.<br />
<br />
+ Having disgusting things to talk about with your mates.<br />
<br />
+ Ticking off your <a href="http://www.icouldneverbedeaf.blogspot.com.au/2015/06/fucket-list.html" target="_blank">BUCKET LIST </a><br />
<br />
+ Drinking in bars by yourself<br />
<br />
+ Making a complete dick of yourself in front of strangers knowing full well you'll never see them again.<br />
<br />
+ Cry wanking<br />
<br />
+ Watching other people on dates. Especially Tinder dates- you can spot them a mile off. The chick is usually playing with her hair as the guy slowly counts the drinks and the minutes til he can fuck her.<br />
<br />
+ Wearing only socks and undies around the house with no make up on while simultaneously eating an enchilada and singing Kate Cebrano<br />
<br />
+ Those halve loaves of bread at IGA<br />
<br />
+ Seeing how far you can go while texting weirdos<br />
<br />
+ Googling all things UFOs, serial killers, ex porn stars, dugongs, baby gorillas etc.<br />
<br />
+ Figuring out what would be your spirit animal.<br />
<br />
+ Pulling your ham string trying to flirt with bartenders who just want to do their fucking job and don't care that you can tie a knot in your cherry from your Amaretto sour.<br />
<br />
+ Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and laughing when the arc in the story comes and the guy disappoints the girl and the sad music plays.<br />
<br />
+ Buying sex toys.<br />
<br />
+ Driving around the city listening to gangster rap and scream singing it out of the window to unsuspecting couples who are just trying to have an early dinner before settling in to an evening of foot rubs and minimal foreplay.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>WORST:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><br /></b></span>
- Tinder<br />
<br />
- Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and realising that the chick you most identify with is the brunette room mate/best friend of the main character rig girl who smokes cigarettes and swears and is outwardly promiscuous.<br />
<br />
- Men assuming you want a relationship based on the fact that you're a woman and they themselves have watched too many romantic comedies and never noticed the brunette smoking room mate/best friend who swears and is outwardly promiscuous.<br />
<br />
- The droughts.<br />
<br />
- Being too forward the drunker you get.<br />
<br />
- Dinner dates.<br />
<br />
- Listening to the rain while lying in bed (but only for the fact that you don't have an umbrella and you would assume that if you had a significant other they would probably carry an umbrella which you could use the next day as you traipse to the markets for a gozleme)<br />
<br />
- No one to shout you the extra guacamole.<br />
<br />
- Boring small talk.<br />
<br />
- No one to remind you to eat your vegetables.<br />
<br />
- No one giving a shit who is on your most fuckable list that you would definitely bone if you were in a relationship. But you aren't in a relationship so if you ever do get to meet David Duchovny, you can just fuck him. Guess it's not that bad then.<br />
<br />
- Thinking strippers are into you.<br />
<br />
- Those halve loaves of bread you can buy at IGA<br />
<br />
- Shouting people drinks.<br />
<br />
Single life is actually a beautiful diamond period of your life where you don't give a fuck what anyone thinks and you can genuinely do all of the things that the laws of a relationship rule out. So go forth - drink that 16th bloody mary, text that person at 3am, play spin the bottle, be an idiot, fuck around, send weird snap chats and for the love of god don't ever settle.<br />
<br />
<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-55399407919543977932015-06-01T02:20:00.001-07:002015-06-01T02:20:39.672-07:00FUCKET LIST<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Everyone should have one. If you don't then I assume you've checked everything off and you're some kind of super stud with at least a child or some form of incurable disease. No judgement or nothing- just judgement you know? I want to present you with a fact:<br />
<br />
<b>People love fucking.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I believe it was Einstein who said that, and who's going to argue with that guy? No one...because none of you are mediums and John Edward is a dirty fraud. In fact, so are you. I have spent weeks interviewing a heap of people who I happen to know love having sex and have compiled a handy little list that you can take home with you tonight as you are cry masturbating in the shower as all normal 20 somethings do every Monday evening. Right?<br />
<br />
Right.<br />
<br />
Anyway, here you will find a comprehensive note of all the dirty little things that I have compiled (after many drunken nights asking people forcefully what they would love to have on their Fucket List usually followed by: What? What's that?) that we as humans love to do so much that we risk everything in order to, including and not limited to our precious dignity.<br />
<br />
In the words of Marvin Gaye, let's get it on:<br />
<br />
1. Sex under the Harbour Bridge at around 2am on a Wednesday morning. (I've thought about it)<br />
<br />
2. A session in which you don't speak before, during, or after<br />
<br />
3. Sex with food (take that as you will)<br />
<br />
4. Do a line of coke off a buttock.<br />
<br />
5. To completely dominate someone (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)<br />
<br />
6. Attend a Swinger's Club<br />
<br />
7. Have sex on the side of the road during a road trip.<br />
<br />
8. Fuck on a plane. (There's motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane)<br />
<br />
9. Have sex with a woman as a straight woman completely sober.<br />
<br />
10. Join a couple as a third.<br />
<br />
11. The....yawn...threesome<br />
<br />
12. Have sex again with the person who took your virginity years later.<br />
<br />
13. Film yourself<br />
<br />
14. To be completely dominated (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)<br />
<br />
15. In the back of a truck.<br />
<br />
16. Sex with an extremely tall man/woman<br />
<br />
17. Sex with someone in a fluffy mascot outfit. (HAAAAAA)<br />
<br />
18. In front of other people.<br />
<br />
19. In the change rooms of a shop.<br />
<br />
20. Going down on someone in a car, while driving.<br />
<br />
21. Give a man head in less than 5 minutes.<br />
<br />
22. Break a shower.<br />
<br />
23. Camping wilderness.<br />
<br />
24. Foot sex.<br />
<br />
25. Boob sex.<br />
<br />
26. Butt sex.<br />
<br />
27. Sex with a musician (isn't that everyones?)<br />
<br />
28. On top of a washing machine<br />
<br />
29. In your/their parents bed.<br />
<br />
30. In some form of water (I highly recommend not doing this by the way- it can ruin sex for you for quite some time)<br />
<br />
31. On a ski lift (obviously a shralper)<br />
<br />
32. Take someone's virginity.<br />
<br />
33. At a house party.<br />
<br />
34. Experience the throw down.<br />
<br />
35. Experience an orgasm (sad but true in many cases- c'mon boys)<br />
<br />
36.Beads...<br />
<br />
37. On the beach (heard of a prawn cutlet?)<br />
<br />
38. With a complete stranger.<br />
<br />
39. Fuck a cougar<br />
<br />
40. Someone with a beard going down on you.<br />
<br />
41. Fucking a D List celebrity<br />
<br />
42. At a festival.<br />
<br />
43. While high.<br />
<br />
44. With a bartender.<br />
<br />
45. With a stripper.<br />
<br />
46. With a prostitute.<br />
<br />
47. A the rooftop of a building.<br />
<br />
48. In front of your old high school.<br />
<br />
49. On the stoop of someone's house<br />
<br />
50. Hate sex.<br />
<br />
<br />
So far this is all I have compiled from a smattering of my friends and a little bit of my own tucked away in there. Soz if this is a bit too wild for your Monday night, this is what I like to talk about with my significant acquaintances and now you all known (anonymously) how fucked up their heads are and how much they probably haven't been banged out lately.<br />
<br />
Single life is a tumultuous rollercoaster of disappointing liaisons and mind blowing experiences, its all about finding what you can get away with and ticking off your list one point at a time.<br />
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So, how did you go?I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-58344241948524839042015-02-06T14:53:00.001-08:002015-02-06T14:53:16.782-08:00LIFE LESSONS FROM SOMEONE WHO IS SHIT AT LIFE.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLJbjRf36Px97k6x-yW7v9hi8AFGqC1Mop77xeIIEOCbe3n5Mn78xu-ZprNEg0fufAp8rcPB1q8nb52VgEI7JowRGpJfvKc48mkPvuW69HtLE-21XUO_ImDTwYD3NlTWHAKakmW3XChtI/s1600/tumblr_njae2sGB7k1thhbdjo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLJbjRf36Px97k6x-yW7v9hi8AFGqC1Mop77xeIIEOCbe3n5Mn78xu-ZprNEg0fufAp8rcPB1q8nb52VgEI7JowRGpJfvKc48mkPvuW69HtLE-21XUO_ImDTwYD3NlTWHAKakmW3XChtI/s1600/tumblr_njae2sGB7k1thhbdjo1_500.jpg" height="640" width="476" /></a></div>
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Its been a while. Soz. </div>
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After some time neglecting this blog, I have gained some life perspective that I just couldn't not share with you because I just know how you are all desperately wading through life like its a bowl of hommus, but you just can't seem to find your lavosh cracker. Well here I am, your cracker with no clue guiding you blindly into the abyss with shit life advice and an abundance of inappropriate references you may have to google and then be disappointed by.</div>
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So strap yourselves in for a fucking stupid ride through some life lessons that I have seemed to learn and hopefully you will come away with this being infinitely dumber and just a little bit sluttier.</div>
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1. Stand by your drunk texts.</div>
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Who gives a fuuuuuuccckkkk hey. If someone is that dim they can't gauge that you may be 86 shandys deep when you throw them a winky emoji at 2:45am, then that is their loss. Whatever embarrassing thing you may have written, EG: talking about BJs with your close male friend, or expressing your deep lust with a picture of a dugong- at least you were thinking about that person and they should be fucking stoked because majority of the time no one thinks about anyone but themselves.</div>
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2. Dont EVER let anyone make you feel like a slut for sexing them on the first date/meeting/eye contact.</div>
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Casual sex is one of life's little joys in which you can easily slip in and out (EW) and not have to deal with those pesky emotions that usually occur between whatever sex blows your hair back. Not everyone wants to be married/in a relationship/ taken out for a nice meal. Sometimes people just want to fuck and thats absolutely fine. This doesn't define who they are as a person or what type of undies they wear. For all you know they could be wearing a pair of Looney Tunes boxer shorts underneath that mini skirt, but you will never know if you keep up this archaic view of women be sluts and men be legends. Its old. Boring.</div>
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3. Start talking to strangers more.</div>
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A sexy girlfriend of mine has complained to me many a time of how dudes just don't seem to be on the hunt anymore. No dudes speak to her and she finds she has to be the one to go out fishing. This is such a weird concept for chicks. Let me explain why- the thing is as single women we have to deal with Tinder being such a lazy fucking option that inevitably the scene becomes lazy. Surprisingly you can't fuck your iPhone. So bitches be shopping for a man, approach said man, man has girlfriend, approach another man, gets looked at like a crazy person/stalker, retreats back into corner and sips vodka lime soda. Maybe this is the way it is, or maybe we as women have become somewhat entitled to feeling desired? Who knows, all i know is fuck all.</div>
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4. WebMD will almost always make you think you have AIDS.</div>
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5. Eat your Oportos double fillet bondi burger like no one is watching.</div>
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6. If you have followed your dreams for 5 fucking years and still no one is paying you for it, keep going.</div>
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7. Most dudes with beards are hiding something. Almost always, their weak jawlines.</div>
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8. I can't wait for all the late 90s shit to go out of trend and for everyone who was actually present and with it when it first came in to hate themselves all over again for giving in to the tattoo choker necklaces and shit and to slowly pluck their butterfly clips out of their hair one by one and shed a glitter tear for each plastic one.</div>
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9. A skinny bitch cocktail is actually a vodka lime soda. I made a dick of myself at a bar in the city recently and I just can't seem to shake the look of disgust in that bartender's eye as I argued with him about what it was when I actually didn't really know. Theres a lesson, just fucking own up to shit you don't know. I had the best burger there and now I can't go back because of my stubborn yet sexy attitude.</div>
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10. If you're growing your hair out (like I am) just bite the bullet and watch yourself transform from a whole range of 90s alternative lead singers. I was in the Gavin Rossdale of Bush stage, then in the Brandon Boyd 'Morning View' album stage, now slowly sliding into Dave Navarro when he played with the Chili Peppers. FINGERS CROSSED for the final stage: Eddie Vedder circa 1991.</div>
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11. For christ's sakes start watching Broad City and Inside Amy Schumer. If you want to get a deeper insight into how chicks actually are, these two shows will open your eyeballs to all of that and more.</div>
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12. Learn to say NO when you really don't want to do something. I mean if you are half assed about it, then maybe say YES because you might actually enjoy it. Like cronuts. But if you really can't be fucked then just say no. Because really the only opinion that truly matters is the one you have about yourself.</div>
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13. Stop posting bikini shots.</div>
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We get it, you're a rig. Fuck. </div>
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14. Try and do anything to maintain the rig. We are in a digital age people, your Insty can only gauge 10% of your personality. Remember that.</div>
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15. If you can, scream sing anything by John Farnham with your friends on Australia Day. It is more of a stress reliever than any form of Xanax or sex. You would be surprised, plus it makes for a great bagpipe solo, which my friends can attest to.</div>
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16. Save all of your money and then buy something stupid like a blow up paddle pool, 56 glittery lighters or the rights to someone's virginity online. This is shit you can't get away with when you're in your 30s.</div>
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17. Stop reading all of those numbered lists online. They are stupid...oh wait.</div>
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18. An iced vovo can make a beautiful hat.</div>
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19. When you're feeling lonely just listen to some Ja Rule and remind yourself why you ever were born in the first place. To sit, eat a schnitzel and listen to some Murder Inc. Oh yeah, and drink so much cheap alcohol that you can't open your eyes the next morning as they are glazed over in a fine film of sweat, regret, and tabouli.</div>
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20. If all else fails, just pretend to know what you're doing. The fuckers will never find out.</div>
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Now go forth, be all you can be in this bizarre world of likes, political opinions, and marijuana fuelled ambiguity. This is your life, take it by the sweaty balls. </div>
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<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-64302488264183460692014-10-03T04:50:00.001-07:002014-10-03T04:59:34.312-07:005 SONGS FOR 5 PIVOTAL MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, YOU GUYS. Some days you wake up, boil an egg, call a mate, have a wank, go to sleep. Other days, people shit all over your heart/mind/body (depending on how much you pay them). These days can be particularly hard to get through and can leave you wishing that you indeed did live on Sesame Street, although I don't really agree with your logic because it would be about half a minute before I shoved Elmo's cookie up his own ass (YES I KNOW ITS THE COOKIE MONSTER I AM JUST TRYING TO APPEAR COOL AND GROWN UP BY PRETENDING I DON'T KNOW THE INTRICATE DETAILS OF SESAME STREET WHEN IN FACT I FEEL AS THOUGH I COULD DRAW A TO SCALE DIAGRAM OF THE FUCKING PLACE).</div>
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Whatever, I am totally into beards, whiskey and sucking some fuckwit's dick to prove how much I am into Foals.</div>
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Anywho, I digress as usual. Here is a compilation of some of the most necessary tunes to switch on when you obviously go through these really common life situations. You are welcome, in advance.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>1. WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE OF THE PERSON YOU JUST HAD SEX WITH WHO YOU REALLY LIKE/ REALLY NEEDED TO REBOUND WITH.</b></span></div>
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You walk out of there. Usually with your fucked up heels in hand and your mascara dripping down your noseholes. You stretch your cankles in victory at the conquest you managed to accomplish with such aplomb that the entire cast of Made In Chelsea would be appalled at your elegance. The build up of this song reflects the way you shimmy on out of his screen door with ciggie burn holes in it, and as it slams behind you, tapping you softly on the ass as a secret "YOU DID IT!", if an object could congratulate that is, you fly off into the hot summer wind as the percussion increases. Suddenly you are guitar solo'ing into your hungover future as you wait for Wayne your taxi driver to roll up hopped up on No Doze and wanting to chat about his missus the whole way home. You stare out the window and pat yourself on the back as the soft choral vocals of Night Ranger drift into the remnants of your crusty pantaloons (that you have stashed in your wallet).<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>2. WHEN YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR LOVE AND DECIDE TO RIDE AROUND TOWN WITH YOUR FRIENDS.</b></span><br />
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Oh yeah? You think your life fucking sucks? Try being Ja Rule circa now. Ok, so Ja Rule circa 2003 was fucking incredible. I am 98% sure he bedded some Ashanti ass. Now that is saying something. But dude, your relationship is like 2003. A shining moment when you had everything you wanted, even a faux fight with Eminem to boost your profile. You had pussy coming out yo ears, pussy that even R Kelly couldn't get. But then you may have evaded your relationship much like Ja did with his taxes and you have ended up in heartbreak hotel aka the worst kind of prison imaginable. Throw this ditty on and remember the good times. Those times when the reign wasn't calling murder, but rather Toto was singing 'Africa' without some cryptic rapping in between that leaves you wondering how reign can rain, let alone how the reign can manifest an actual voice in which to call "murder". </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>3. WHEN YOU MASTURBATE.</b></span></div>
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Okay, so I am going to have to get gender specific right now, or more woman specific and pretty much what I think men choke the chicken to. HAHA, I have always wanted to use that in a sentence. Life goals, ay. </div>
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CHIX: <object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/aP_-P_BS6KY/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/aP_-P_BS6KY&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/aP_-P_BS6KY&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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Would 100% masturbate to this track. No, its not the fucking beard you kooks. The fucking beard is like the fucking wind, I know it is there but I can't see it. Ridiculous. I mean, Chet certainly has something going for him, personally I believe it is because he embodies some weird American Indian vibe that means he can be a conduit for babes everywhere for ladies to wet their panties to. He should be called Chet Running Tree or some shit if you ask me. Chicks would totally light their coconut and lime scented Glasshouse candle, crack open the double A b8rez they bought in woolies with their kale and muesli bites acting all innocent like they need them to replace a remote (HA bullshit), then they would run home, make a kale bullshit bullshit, pour themselves a glass of organic red wine and let loose. And god bless em for it.</div>
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DOODS: <iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/CSvFpBOe8eY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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I dunno. It just makes sense to me. All guys seem to love this song and most guys I know have a penchant for a stir fry, so this shit makes sense to me. You aren't writing this, I am and there is something so aggressive about this track that eventually makes you hate yourself and lie in your own sweat and shame, that it just fit. There is just something so 'Metal' about male masturbation.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>4. SONG TO PUT ON DURING A ONE NIGHT STAND.</b></span></div>
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There really is nothing demure or coy about this song. In fact, it holds some handy tips for your disgusting one night stand. Not only is the chorus super catchy but the lyrics are sombre and hold a deeper meaning, literally. You guys aren't there to fuck around (or maybe you are?). Put your hands on the balls ladies, and figure out why Eazy E was such a playa back in the day. On a truly honest note this song is one of my guilty pleasures and truly one of the most heinous songs in history. Give it a listen, just make sure your parents are out of the room (advice I also give to you planning one night stands).</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>5. THE SONG TO PLAY WHEN YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING HAPPY.</b></span></div>
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Nothing screams happiness like Band Of Horses. The country twangs. The swelling percussion. The flowing guitar riffs. There is something so beautiful about their music and the general feeling they can give even the most devo of people. Just listen to this track, you can almost feel the wind going through your hair as you open the window of your Mazda 2 and you pass by Grafton Hungry Jacks on your way up north. There is really nothing like letting music take you on a journey to the holy grail of happiness that resides deep in the recesses of your working, living, crying, laughing soul. Fuck everything else, this is something that no matter where you may end up in your life (or if you are grappling with where you may ever end up), at least you know that when you get home your old pal music is there to guide you through any fucked up situation you may find yourself in.</div>
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ROCK AND ROLL!</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><br /></b></span>I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-59862156930710510922014-06-12T21:57:00.003-07:002014-06-12T22:06:01.840-07:00HOW TO BE UNEMPLOYED<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you are like me and have graduated with a degree after slogging it out at your respective University campuses amongst sipping goon and deriving nicknames with meanings that would make the dirtiest sailor blush, you may find yourself completely qualified yet still aching to find someone to employ you.</div>
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You are completely capable of any sort of employment (if it doesn't involve Quantum Physics) but still NO, you can't seem to find any sort of work in the field of the degree that you studied for. Chances are, you studied Communications.</div>
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FUCK RIGHT?</div>
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I've been a good little intern for the better part of four years, so with that much experience, surely I would have scored a well paying job by now, or at least an entry level position? WRONG.</div>
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Here are some helpful tips to aid the tedious, lonely days of unemployment.</div>
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1. Tell yourself you are going to learn a new language. Hey, even if you don't ever look up any sort of Thai phrasing, you can still hold that within yourself and it will be great to tell your roommates when they eventually arrive home from work. Keep your iphone at the ready, if they ask you to spout the phrases that you have learned that day and hope to christ they don't know the actual pronunciation of the word. You will look as though you aren't just slumming it and that you still have brain capability despite the 50 bongs you smoked just to get through the day.</div>
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2. Practice your best Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band knee slide. Chuck on your socks and make this a common practice from around 10:30am-12 (the hours between breakfast and lunch). You will work up an appetite while keeping those ass cheeks in tact babe. You know what unemployment can do to a girl, it can make cunts that you don't care about tell you how you should look to be sexually desirable. Because that's all us girls want, to be sexually desirable. Thanks so much for saying so babe. Here is your inspiration for those knee slides [WATCH IT, SERIOUSLY] (pop 'Dancing In The Dark' on while doing so):</div>
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3. Maybe you should look into starting your own business. I know many times a Terrigal Car Boot Market has been enough to tide me over but think bigger than that. But for the love of GOD don't start another fucking fashion blog. I honestly don't understand those things, or who buys into those things- but hey, I also don't understand how people don't like Rage Against The Machine. I tell you what we need more of? We need more people going out to clubs, pubs, and raves and critiquing the dance moves of the punters inside. That shit would be hilarious.</div>
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4. Make a weekly bucket list. It can be anything from learning how to make a delicious schnitzel to finally egging your ex-boyfriend's car. Perhaps it may include shaving your head while watching American History X or touching yourself while watching Dr.Phil. Whatever tickles your fancy, no one is home because they are out making a living so no judgement.</div>
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5. Learn the entire lyrical component to Shaggy's back catalogue and make it your business to slip it casually into conversation without anyone noticing.</div>
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6. Write shit reviews on Trip Advisor for all the places who knocked you back after the interview process under the name 'Ken Done', then go paint a fucking picture of your feelings.</div>
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7. Ask yourself why you aren't as successful as Rihanna even though you are the same age as her, then go buy 16 sausage rolls and eat them all without taking a breath while crying over a framed picture of your University Degree and listening to 'Pon De Replay'. Still not sure what that even means.</div>
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8. Learn to play the bongos, grow your hair really long, and take up fire breathing. Keep yourself this way for a few months then rock up to a social event cleanly shaved and in a three piece suit and introduce yourself under another name. Keep this going until someone realises then socially ostracise them from the group.</div>
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9. Start jotting down all the great points about how right now are the glory days, then put them in a time capsule and plan to open it when you are 85 and sitting on a porch somewhere drinking peach iced tea.</div>
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10. Dress up in traditional colonial garb, go down to The Rocks and pretend to the tourists that you are from the past and you are looking for the time portal back to 1789.</div>
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11. Tattoo a picture of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's face on your back, take a photo of it, upload it to Facebook and friend request them. Then sit back, sip on your Yakult and wait.</div>
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12. Write a convicted criminal a letter. Way funner than Tinder.</div>
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13. Create your own conspiracy theory website about any topic. Literally any topic or moment from history and watch The Daily Mail cover it.</div>
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14. Think about joining the Australian Federal Police and then realise that you must have a manual license to join, forget about it, and secretly practice chicken winging perpetrators on your teddy bears while screaming, "GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!"</div>
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15. Don't bother following any of this advice at all, just spend your days refreshing your e mail, smoking cigarettes, and listening to 'Night Moves' on repeat. </div>
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Sometimes you just have to take solace in the fact that tramps like us, baby we were born to run.</div>
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<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-62548493928828911062014-04-30T17:29:00.001-07:002014-04-30T17:29:11.599-07:00SCHNITZEL MUSHROOM SUSHI SNAIL<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3XoFi9zmo43g9_dofugVqwFBz_2g8Letn2thNooXM0tSHjmVMNxQJvLeWVrTIEB2WAd3VZtZCA0bWCdEhPzGGbEPLDWB38N1ahQyeOISowfcWg_Kr1_pLfHi3yGW4AejBb7kK7WXuPkE/s1600/schnit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3XoFi9zmo43g9_dofugVqwFBz_2g8Letn2thNooXM0tSHjmVMNxQJvLeWVrTIEB2WAd3VZtZCA0bWCdEhPzGGbEPLDWB38N1ahQyeOISowfcWg_Kr1_pLfHi3yGW4AejBb7kK7WXuPkE/s1600/schnit.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">With the excessive exposure that we as
humans have to social media, we have become a little bit cynical to our fellow
man, especially when doused in ‘X PRO II’. My Instagram feed ranges from those
who only post pictures of themselves or others out on the turps or I have the
pleasure of eyeballing some huge titties in bralettes at JUST the right angle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">It seems my friends are following the same
types of people. Over many a cheap wine we have discussed the types of people
who come under certain categories defined by how they are received by the
opposite or same sex. It is here I will delve into those categories and explain
them each, leaving you to wonder what type of food are you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">DISCLAIMER: Now I realise this is all very
shallow, but welcome to this site. Fuck it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">SCHNITZEL<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">A dude or a chick defined as a schnitzel is
one who appeals to all types of people. She/ he is a regulation hottie. They
will catch the eye of your fixie riding, tattoo laden, akubra toting hipster
and will also have the buff stereosonic types gagging for a go. The reason
behind the schnitzel name is that everyone loves a fucking schnitzel. When
there is a schnitzel special going on down at your local, there is no way you
will opt for the $30 steak, am I right? A piece of delicious schnitzel is an
all rounder, one that satiates all kinds of people, and looks great doused in
gravy. Don’t be shy in admitting you are a schnitzel, sometimes you are just
such a raging babe that all men/women run to you like you are shelter on a
stormy day. There is no shame in this, these people exist and they are walking
among you every day. Although sometimes I feel sorry for a schnitzel as all
forms of people usually bother them, many of who do not appeal to them. Having
to bat away suitors with a timber log must be tiring for them and I really
think we should have some sort of half marathon to combat the ever-rising
perils of a schnitty. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">MUSHROOM<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Mushrooms aren’t just a delicious option
while slathering up your schnitty. Mushrooms are people too, you know. They are
the gentle medium between a schnitzel and a sushi. They appeal to the general
public but then again there are some people who are just like, “Ta, but seeya”.
This is explained by the fact that mushrooms are generally well liked.
Vegetarians and people who like to shell out for a big breakfast especially
enjoy them. While a mushroom may not exactly catch the attention of every man
and his dog, they definitely produce some serious neck cricks from perving and
the like. When checking out a mushroom, you will know that you are attracted to
them, but may not realise why. Until later on when you wake up from your weird
sex dream about them, and then you realise that this is the reason that
mushrooms produce wild hallucinations. People will still tag their mates on
their instagram photos, although perhaps instead of needing a timber log, the
mushies can get away with beating off the babes with some kindling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">SUSHI<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Now sushi is certainly a lovely choice for
lunch. It’s light, refreshing and comes with wasabi. However, if you are a
sushi then you may not be getting all of the attention you want from every
person you meet. While discussing these categories, I would like to add, the
original discussion only consisted of schnitzels and snails. However, we
quickly discovered that this assessment wasn’t fair and we had to create some
sort of middle ground to cover all bases. A sushi is the tender little middle
ground between what everyone deems as babe’n and those people who have a
particular sense of taste. A sushi is a type of girl/boy who may fit a
particular style. For example, your Sarah Blasko types or your dudes who are
running a look similar to those in Blur. Seems like every guy is at the moment,
but that’s beside the point. The point being that if you are a sushi, you do
pretty well and you aren’t particularly bothered by the masses. This will
probably lead you to kissing/boning those who you are also attracted to. A
fellow sushi perhaps? We all have our PBs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">SNAIL<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">So what category do you fit under Jess?
Well, here it is. I know I am a snail, I have said this for years, and the
reason has always stayed the same when people ask why, I simply reply, “Because
I am an acquired taste”. Surprisingly it doesn’t mean that I slay it with
French men. Although, I’m sure Manu might eye fuck me if he has had one too
many pinots. Snails are those people who definitely do not appeal to the masses;
in fact the majority may even find them a little confusing. But the people, who
froth on a snail, REALLY froth on a snail. They make it their mission to try a
snail. If you are a snail, you may be a woman who has been called “sir” a
couple of times, or you may be a guy who gets called some sort of homophobic
slur on a regular basis. Jokes on those dicks because meanwhile you are slaying
it with the minority. Everyone loves an underdog, don’t they? If you are a
snail, then you will know because you have been asked multiple times to give
out your friends numbers/told to move seats so the courter may be closer to a
non-snail/pashed some serious babes in your time/been the one who chases. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">So I hope I have given you some sort of
fucked up insight into my head. But I suppose if you are reading this, you
would have already known that I love a metaphor- especially when it comes to
babes. Plus, lets be honest all food is delicious….except onions. If you are an
onion I will swipe to the right on Tinder. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-53044882183350027802014-03-06T18:53:00.001-08:002014-03-06T18:53:34.256-08:00MOUNTAIN SOUNDS FESTIVAL<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiX1GeM3WkpGIuZspjzCetHWLPpUBQZiULSWy305_49j0IPeW7p7mDlLJJP3nxLm92SK5Z4tpIHFVm8zmMBbgoK-SKBLgHIm-XYqiUesV1ESN34LgJrbvHv-yAP_xcgw5yAOvhZuup9Q4/s1600/ee5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiX1GeM3WkpGIuZspjzCetHWLPpUBQZiULSWy305_49j0IPeW7p7mDlLJJP3nxLm92SK5Z4tpIHFVm8zmMBbgoK-SKBLgHIm-XYqiUesV1ESN34LgJrbvHv-yAP_xcgw5yAOvhZuup9Q4/s1600/ee5.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
If you have been hiding under a rock, then I will have to explain to you that Mountain Sounds Festival takes place NEXT WEEKEND on March 15 and Mt. Penang Parklands!<br />
<br />
This is like the ultimate outdoor house party that you could have ever dreamed while sipping your cruisers planning a big night out on the town. This will be the party to end all parties and if you haven't already bought your ticket yet- then what are you waiting for?<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/mountainsoundsfestival" target="_blank">CLICK HERE FOR FACEBOOK DETAILS</a><br />
<br />
HERE ARE SOME REASONS WHY MOUNTAIN SOUNDS FESTIVAL WILL BE BULLSHIT GOOD:<br />
<br />
1. There is a stage called 'CLUB MOD'. Fuck off mate. This will be where you can check your spines at the door as you slowly morph into Alex Mack and slip and slide around the wet and wild conditions of this stage. Prepare to get weird.<br />
<br />
2. Its only $89. Thats not even a pair of Lee Jeans which end up fraying on you anyway. That is literally 4.25 packs of ciggies if you buy them from the petrol station. $89 is like a meal at the cowrie. An entree, probably- I don't know, Ive never eaten there as I have been to poor. BUT GUESS WHAT! I am unemployed and I am still not poor enough to miss out on Mountain Sounds Festival.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mountainsoundsfestival.com.au/" target="_blank">MOUNTAIN SOUNDS FESTIVAL WEBSITE</a><br />
<br />
3. It is located in our home town. THE CENNY COAST M8! When do we ever have anything happening here ever? Let alone something as fucking amazing as this festival. YOU CAN EVEN BRING YOUR OWN COUCH. What? Get your pointer fingers off their lazy chip snacking asses and make them click their way onto Ticketbooth to nail down one of those tix.<br />
<br />
4. Chances are, some of your mates are actually playing. Be a mate. Grab a ticket and show some support for the guy who has most likely spotted you a scooie at one time or another. The festival boasts some of the freshest acts out there at the moment, and they are all home grown.<br />
<br />
5. What a way to spend a weekend. The silly season is well and truly over, admit it. I know we are all clutching at "the cheapest bottle of plonk on your menu please", so why not have one last hurrah before getting stuck into 2014? Mountain Sounds Festival is the ultimate post summer cure. Did I mention it is meant to be 29 degrees and sunny that day? I just don't think sitting at home watching season after season of Grey Anatomy is going to cut it on the 15th. I just dont.<br />
<br />
<br />
So go on.<br />
Stop putting this shit off.<br />
Get yourself a ticket to Mountain Sounds Festival RIGHT NOW.<br />
Because according to my sources, tickets are almost sold out.<br />
<br />
SOLD OUT.<br />
<br />
fuck.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://events.ticketbooth.com.au/event/MountainSoundsFestival/" target="_blank">GET TICKETS HERE!!!</a>I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-60059711845606956342014-03-03T18:11:00.001-08:002014-03-03T18:11:34.445-08:00MEGAN WASHINGTON 'WHO ARE YOU' OFFICIAL AUDIO<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Vlm99lZv5ck?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
I remember the first time I heard Washington's voice. It was at the tail end of a Spicks and Specks episode that I just happened to flick onto on my nightly remote surf.<br />
<br />
What I heard was enough to stop anyone in their tracks. It was like the first time I heard The Beatles.<br />
<br />
She has the voice of an angel who is making giant cupcakes on a fairy floss cloud of emotions. She is a stunning vocalist and talented performer, and here is her new track 'Who Are You'.<br />
<br />
It is filled with strumming acoustics and choral vocals, set to whisk you away into the heavens with its innocence, charm, and gentle vibes.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.washingtonmusic.com.au/" target="_blank">Find more about Megan Washington HERE</a><br />
<br />
<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-54992004527035598252014-02-13T03:16:00.001-08:002014-02-13T03:16:12.581-08:00SHIT TO DO ON VAL DAY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho82WVjcGHxwWO4zSrLMneEdhMhxEnD00ryMvY0X89f6T1y-1-0WcE7LG988zL9VdPqyKZO3If4A9xrCd6l18emuRrfeRsjWKuQi5oGCw_IW_XMxxcMrZHakHE5225ZgKbn8OtoINkO3Q/s1600/GAVGWEN.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho82WVjcGHxwWO4zSrLMneEdhMhxEnD00ryMvY0X89f6T1y-1-0WcE7LG988zL9VdPqyKZO3If4A9xrCd6l18emuRrfeRsjWKuQi5oGCw_IW_XMxxcMrZHakHE5225ZgKbn8OtoINkO3Q/s1600/GAVGWEN.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">FOR THE LONELY HEARTS</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
You need to get your friends together and get fucking DRUNK. As luck has it, V Day is on a Friday this year! HOORAY! See, mid week revellers of Valentines usually have the market sewn up with their candlelit dinners, and Sarah McLachlan playlists- but NOT THIS YEAR!<br />
While the lovers are out eating overpriced Thai food, gifting each other with Ped Eggs (to make the spooning smoother), and inevitably passive aggressively fighting about how they both hate each other's friends. Meanwhile....YOU ARE SINGLE ON A FRIDAY! Go out, take a pack of ribbed doms with you, and hopefully a crisp 50 dollar note. This will be all you need to get presumably wasted.<br />
If you prefer to wallow in your own misery/hilarity, watch the latest season of The Bachelor online illegally and slowly pluck away those brain cells much as you would reserve for plucking away the talons of a daisy, scream crying, "HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT!"<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">FOR THE LOVERS</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
Whether you have recently shacked up, or you are well and truly on your way to bickering over which avocado is ripest in the fruit section of Coles. You are lovers. Pity Valentines Day is in February for us Australians who have to deal with pretty scorching summers, while those Northies get to use this time to snuggle up and take contrived black and white selfies of each other, with just a HINT of nipple showing. Down UNDA we have to sweat on each other as we lovers rip the sheets from one another and bargain about who should turn the fan velocity up a notch. Set yourself a picnic, but for Christ's sakes use it as an excuse to get rip roaring drunk in public with your significant other. That is what I'll be doing while hi-fiving that we made it to another Valentines Day without selling each other's kidneys on the black market.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">FOR THE LOOONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
I feel like these guys are going to be the ones clogging the Instagram feeds tomorrow, with the lonely hearts following a close second with all of their ironic banter and SORRY NOT SORRY, LONG HAIR DONT CARE bullshit. Fucking spare me. However, the long term-ers are usually the most annoying and high pitched on days like V Day. The old "just made a bouquet of flowers out of my tears and our ripped up bedspread that we bought together from Ikea" post. Or you will have the "Here is a bowl of blueberry encrusted muesli I made for my love with a non-alcoholic Mimosa". FUCK ME. No hate to all the people in long term relationships, GOOD ON YOU dude. You have made it past the honeymoon period and you have stuck around for ages, and shit seems to be working. If it aint broke, why fix it? You guys will probably enjoy Valentines more than any other, or at least the prettiest one under 'X-PRO II'. Im kidding...<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">FOR THE PEOPLE JUST STILL SORTING OF WORKING IT OUT</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
Are we? Aren't we? There is no better way to ruin/define a relationship than Valentines Day. I remember once I relied on V Day to define a relationship by the merit of whether or not I would indeed get the kitten toy that said "I think you're PUUURRRfect" from Hot Dollar. Needless to say, my Valentines Day was devoid of pussy, but did feature some dick. LUCKY ME! I say you young loves enjoy yourselves and don't count on getting a hot dollar pussy. Or maybe do? Go out for drinks (WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL OF MY TIPS RELATED TO GETTING PISSED?) and then go home to one of your parent's houses and discover some nooks and unexplored crannies you never knew you had. V Day may be a great time to introduce some sex toys, you know, to take the pressure off?<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">FOR EVERYONE ELSE</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
Call me! Lets hang!I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-25218157581968348832014-01-30T16:58:00.001-08:002014-01-30T16:58:23.525-08:00CASE OF THE EX<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijGo8Bhuh95VbQLjXd-fBVCKE0dOgB2w5QrisY1hLCj3c4Y2RWfnFECrXRyfdBo8dpU7nW_3O4BPjADLwSlfOAFFmBk1w5CLydCS5T_6jxgTEnXihB01CDE7FpOv3FZaUOvZvf8JIFOaA/s1600/exex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijGo8Bhuh95VbQLjXd-fBVCKE0dOgB2w5QrisY1hLCj3c4Y2RWfnFECrXRyfdBo8dpU7nW_3O4BPjADLwSlfOAFFmBk1w5CLydCS5T_6jxgTEnXihB01CDE7FpOv3FZaUOvZvf8JIFOaA/s1600/exex.jpg" height="315" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
There is truth to the statement that it is hard to be friends with an ex. Its not impossible, out of the 6 billion I have, I think I can truly say I am friends with one. It was a long road, but well worth walking in order to salvage a phenomenal friendship.<br />
<br />
As someone who is and knows a majority of chicks who have to see their ex-whatevers out and about roaming around in the harsh daylight of failed relationships, I can tell you that it is hard. Toxic, even.<br />
<br />
You feign smiles, shake hands, and pretend that you haven't tried to remember what it was like to kiss them.<br />
<br />
In the deep dark recesses of unemployment, I have taken to illegally watching The Real World which just so happens to be about a bunch of extremely immature American people, put together in a house with complete strangers, only to be crashed by all of their exes. (When I re-read this, I truly understood how tragic this sounds)<br />
<br />
The reaction is much like a possum when it realises a predator is around. Stunned, and with a complete stop to all physical motion. This reaction has much to be said about when you see an ex out and about.<br />
<br />
How do you act? What do you say? Why is it still so fucking awkward after so many years? You used to be inside of me and now we act like we both speak separate languages that can only be translated with shifty looks and sipping of vodka pineapples.<br />
<br />
I understand that when a relationship eventually ends that the aftermath is usually raw and eye contact is something that can produce dry retching. But years down the line, why is it still so hard to see an ex?<br />
<br />
I dont know about anyone else, but when I am talking to someone I have been intimate with, I always have a little voice in the back of my mind that says "He has seen your boobs", then I giggle.<br />
<br />
Is it a leftover symptom of the awkward teenage years that we carry on reluctantly into adulthood that we can't acknowledge the existence of an ex for the sheer fact that they might make their MSN name a coded diss towards you or your personal hygiene?<br />
<br />
Unless you guys ended up in a brawl with a restraining order making it illegal for you to be in the same vicinity, then why does it have to be so hostile? Cant we all just get along?<br />
<br />
& what about when people make your business, theirs? Then what, you have even more people you have to duck and dodge in the hope that you can just have your after beery kebab in peace.<br />
<br />
As a perpetual ex-girlfriend, I try and accept the inevitable for what it is- a glorious experience where you got to know someone really intimately and pretty much didn't go for it, it ended. You had sex with each other. They picked you a flower. They told you that you danced like a fucking idiot. You told them they were a fucking idiot. You might have enjoyed the ride as well. But for some reason, things didn't mesh. The timing was off. You were boring. Or they were. Who really gives a fuck anymore.<br />
<br />
They always say the hardest part about being an ex is seeing your ex with someone new. But honestly, it doesn't bother me like it used to. I want the best for my exes. I want them to have what I couldn't give them, whether that be some new babe or taking off into the sunset with nothing but themselves. It doesn't really make a difference.<br />
<br />
Moral of the story is that it is fucking hard being an ex. So much so, that if you are in a new relationship now, the ex should not even be a worry to you. Unless she keeps buzzing around, acting hurt. Because the beautiful part about relationships is learning shit- and according to experience, that shit means he is still fucking her.<br />
<br />
YAY!I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-16624799701909019092013-11-22T15:06:00.000-08:002013-11-22T15:06:09.713-08:00E L L E N .<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfK1Rw9xY_XopbMI0SGd4vEA-F5krWwmrjRQmD-EPFlufE48penSJQL03IKCTrnftA2ZATCqll9bDWU3zvJZJOno0nnpOSr64TnEFpea5_B1MgFngqVV0QnaVTXQVnMOIlzoMLnkc6ZvA/s1600/ellen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfK1Rw9xY_XopbMI0SGd4vEA-F5krWwmrjRQmD-EPFlufE48penSJQL03IKCTrnftA2ZATCqll9bDWU3zvJZJOno0nnpOSr64TnEFpea5_B1MgFngqVV0QnaVTXQVnMOIlzoMLnkc6ZvA/s320/ellen.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
Now I haven't done an appreciation post in over 2 years.<br />
Maybe I was just saving it until now.<br />
Maybe it took this long to find the words to put together in homage to one of my absolute closest mates that I will ever come across in my life.<br />
How do I even know that you may ask?<br />
You might meet someone even better than Ellen...<br />
<br />
ITS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE, TRUST ME.<br />
<br />
There are some people who sweep into your life like a gust of wind that lights up a sky before a storm.<br />
This wasn't one of those moments.<br />
<br />
It wasn't like a soft breeze, a timid change in the weather.<br />
Ellen hit me like a lightning bolt and ever since being electrocuted with her subtle blonde locks, I have never been the same!<br />
<br />
Sometimes you meet people at the most unexpected of times. This was one of those times, her and Carly thudded into my life like a giant suitcase filled with an extraordinary amount of clothes that we didn't need.<br />
<br />
Ever since that chance meeting, that just so happened that they clicked on the Topdeck confirmation button at the same time as me, my life has changed forever!<br />
<br />
I will always hold the Queensland moments close to my heart.<br />
If there ever was or ever will be a time where I felt more free in my life I will never know.<br />
We smoked cigarettes off balconies, sighed in unison and cried at the thought of a departing flight on a Tiger Airways death plane.<br />
<br />
We ran faster than a rabid shopping trolley on a path of destruction and stayed up way past our bedtimes, watching the scorching QLD sun reach its peak.<br />
<br />
The noisy sleeping bag, the rock hard tits of Sammy Jo.<br />
<br />
My big back, the corona bucket at Beenleigh Superdrome.<br />
<br />
Watching Flight of Concords while your mum ironed.<br />
<br />
NYE 2010- in the back alley as midnight struck.<br />
<br />
Drinking litres of lambrusco over terry steak.<br />
<br />
SPLENDOUR IN THE GRASS 2011/2012<br />
<br />
Phone calls from the other side of the world.<br />
<br />
Singing 'Bad Girl' by Usher through the streets of Surry Hills after a massive pasta dinner<br />
<br />
"Who's Hayley?"<br />
<br />
"Who the fuck is Travis?"<br />
<br />
hip-hop, wine and Mitt<br />
<br />
Muriel's Wedding tour.<br />
<br />
That massive sausage at that cafe at The Rocks<br />
<br />
I could go on and on. See you today darlin, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.<br />
<br />
Now this may not be a poem that I am going to read out later tonight, but I am completely genuine in saying that if it weren't for you my life would be a trillion times more fucked.<br />
<br />
I LOVE YA!I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-10795857706005761742013-10-31T04:56:00.001-07:002013-10-31T04:56:23.237-07:00YOUR MID 20S: A RETROSPECTIVE. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You know what? I feel really fucking sorry for all these fucking kids nowadays who have jack shit to look up to or enjoy. I dont give a shit if I sound over the hill in that previous sentence either.<br />
<br />
I was born in 1988 and at the time The Pretty Woman Soundtrack was going off and people had just started to see the effects of cocaine on business savvy execs. This is what I assume anyway.<br />
<br />
Now while we may have had an embarrassing childhood with the likes of Devon Sawa and Melissa Joan Hart (which no matter how hard you try, I will never see Clarissa Explains It All as a fucking fashion icon- I will not wear one of those god forsaken floppy hats you can get fucked), but I will tell you what, I will never take back those formidable years of a young woman's life- also known as the Teenage years.<br />
<br />
For me, it was around 2001-2006 in which I would consider myself a "teenager". 19 is such a bullshit age and you can guarantee every fuckwit 19 year old right now is saying,<br />
<br />
"THIS IS THE LAST YEAR OF EVER BEING A TEENAGER!"<br />
<br />
I did it, you did it too.<br />
<br />
But the sad news for those with breast buds in the year of 2013 is the likes of Miley Cyrus' shaved puss pulsating in your face, re-tweeting shit quotes with ambiguous referencing, Instagramming their lunch box or measuring the likes they get on their physical appearance or intelligence. There is shite TV, Skrillex is a cunt and you don't need to be on a diet.<br />
<br />
Once again, I am assuming this.<br />
<br />
I believe I have achieved that ripe age of 25 where I am delusional in the fact that I believe that I am over the hill and can reflect fondly on the time I had as a teenager.<br />
<br />
You remember that time right? JUST on the cusp of when the Black Eyed Peas sold out, you remember legitimately being/seeing emos, you were a Marissa or a Summer or a Seth or a Ryan or a Sandy Cohen (maybe that was just me?) Anyway, here is my compilation of some of the best shit that ever came out from when I first started smooching dudes and dry humping:<br />
<br />
<br />
1. MURDER INC<br />
<br />
We had Ali G In Da House which allowed the INC to be shown in true boombastic form. Here I would like to show you my myriad of Ja Rule feat Ashanti songs that have a dear spot in my heart but I will have to just settle with one (had to go the explicit version too):<br />
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2. UNWRITTEN LAW/ DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL</div>
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I remember spending many a summer evening driving around Saratoga and Kincumber listening to Dash loudly and singing every word like my life were to end if I dropped the melancholy note. Every single lyric seemed to penetrate your soul and completely relate to every aspect of your life. Feelings were just felt so much harder back then! Or at least thats what we told ourselves as we clutched our silver goon bags to our chest and fled The Shark Tower with red tongues, stained from cheap underage alcohol concoctions.</div>
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UP ALL NIGHT- UNWRITTEN LAW<br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/azbzkeTHXKQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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3. THE OC</div>
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We found out kids were getting just as fucked up as we were although we didn't have daddy's range rover to high tail it round to our dealer's house. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley would always remind us of a burning Mega Mansion and if we ever needed to impress a girl we learned we could tell the chick that we, "stole a car....crashed it".<br />
<br />
Death Cab For Cutie were put on our turquoise Ipod mini's which took us 6 months to properly figure out how the fuck to use.<br />
<br />
We yearned for a modern day love story much like Marissa and Ryan and Volcheck and Johnny and that other weird guy who hosted the NYE bash and Finley Quaye's 'Dice' magically swayed our brains for the rest of our existence. We all picked who we were. We fucking did, don't deny it.<br />
<br />
We will forever be reminded of when Trey got shot when Imogen Heap's song, 'Hide & Seek' plays.<br />
We want to secretly go to T.J to O.D in an alley.<br />
<br />
And when Marissa died it was the talk of the town over choc chip muffins and off oranges.<br />
<br />
The OC will always be a mirage of what was, and we still hope Ryan stayed on the straight and narrow with his construction job and try and forget when Summer went all hippie. This is real people, and you know it to be true.<br />
<br />
<br />
4. INCUBUS<br />
<br />
A great majority of my friends have been to an Incubus concert, and a great majority still name them as one of their all time favourite bands.<br />
<br />
MORNING VIEW MAN! You can't tell me you didn't ponder about which subjects to choose for your senior years without having at least one session to Aqueous Transmission?<br />
<br />
We all relate to the five-piece like they were our older brothers, fashioning the perfect make out session and the ultimate alternative rock to find yourself to. Even I wanted to take up surfing and get a koi fish tattoo to show my utter devotion to the band.<br />
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<br />
<br />
5. THE OPEN HOUSE PARTY<br />
<br />
Remember these? I think Corey Worthington personally ruined this notion for future generations. I remember being told about these shin digs and taking them completely seriously. Open House? I will be there whether or not I have ever seen the host's face before or not.<br />
<br />
Drinking disgusting pre packaged bourbons and kissing the dudes at the party who most resembled Brandon Boyd.<br />
<br />
The dude who was drinking passion pop and eventually found an acoustic guitar out of nowhere only to start strumming 'Cailin' by Unwritten Law or 'Wonderwall' by Oasis.<br />
<br />
Lying to your parents about alcohol and even stashing the remnants in the bushes of your front yard in a back pack, thinking that somehow the backpack will take on the colours of the shrubbery like some sort of cloth chameleon.<br />
<br />
Swilling from goon sacks and dancing to Paul Kelly. The weirdo who gets serious and draws a weapon. The constant threat of "THE COPS" and 6 packs of double blacks.<br />
<br />
Before Facebook had events, we were running with word of mouth which produced some of the most thumping box socials the Coast had ever seen. Somehow we got our hands on underage alcohol and there was ALWAYS a fight, or at least talk of a fight.<br />
<br />
A time for the potent potion of adolescence to collide and drink pre mixed lemony drinks with the pure intention of fucking with the law. Driving recklessly on your red P's and listening to anything but house music. Cheezels and snakes were always out on a sogged plastic tablecloth and for some reason, that staple always rang true. We were so bad ass.<br />
<br />
<br />
Ahhh....the good ol days.<br />
<br />
<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-89281496342776614912013-10-21T17:45:00.001-07:002013-10-21T17:49:22.003-07:00REVIEW: THE CAIROS, FBI SOCIAL OCTOBER 18 2013.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjToB_kxBrfFW5ji4Yo2wHI-ZGSR6CoWbNuslciKa7Gb48VPwBY8CA7K5kbLRTrReRofLo_rbTQNpNfLoSIDEKs1MJBEr0NJ3Pf7B9N2-YdeB9XtTPkL2UqjgeWQaV1M_LkMwqHcsmm0O4/s1600/funnycairo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjToB_kxBrfFW5ji4Yo2wHI-ZGSR6CoWbNuslciKa7Gb48VPwBY8CA7K5kbLRTrReRofLo_rbTQNpNfLoSIDEKs1MJBEr0NJ3Pf7B9N2-YdeB9XtTPkL2UqjgeWQaV1M_LkMwqHcsmm0O4/s320/funnycairo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The air was thick as it spread across the dim lit floor of FBI Social on a somewhat quiet Friday night. Across the road, Chris Lilley was gracing Santa Barbara amongst a pastiche of taxidermy and cherry red lightbulbs.<br />
<br />
<br />
Gritty guitar swept across the crowd as the shrieks of one onlooker in 5 inch creepers marked the beginning of The Cairos' set. Floating bass and catchy beats set Indie Pop on fire as the quartet made their presence known to the revellers.<br />
<br />
The Cairos were grungy and sweet at the same time. Flowery lyrics matched with an air of cool to rival even the most seasoned performers. The climactic clash of instruments made for a kaleidoscopic view of the band as you allowed your senses to become one with the peak of sounds.<br />
<br />
The vocals from Alistair sounded like he had become the long lost love child of none other than Billy Corgan. Masculine, yet sickly sweet in a juxtaposition that became original in its own right. A garage band had been transformed into an up and coming jewel in the Australian rock crowd.<br />
<br />
Some thoughts that swept across my mind while taking in the set were that The Cairos has a similar sound to the early Silverchair days. That 90s grit was reborn to these young bloods that had become lost on The 'Chair in the '00s.<br />
<br />
Impressive swirling breakdowns created an almost Psychedelic screech of the guitar from Alf mixed with ominous drums from Jacob. An ultimate apathy was displayed upon the bands faces although the passion for this set could be seeing buzzing through their fingertips like electrical pulses.<br />
<br />
It was refreshing to see a somewhat local band with so much agility and strength when it came to performing. The crowd was slowly loosening up and swishing their beverages around in unison to the sounds.<br />
<br />
A personal highlight was seeing the band transform from grungy apocalypse to punchy Indie Pop within minutes. It was a fun transformation that showed their diversity and range. Also, their cascading guitar riffs did seem to pull on the heart strings.<br />
<br />
They played a song off their upcoming album. An angry guitar riff soon panned out into a pop type of vibe, making for real head banger. They seemed to mesh so many genres into one set with such ease. If Courtney Love had been here 20 years ago, you could have just pictured her draped over the bulbous speakers that surrounded the stage with smeared lipstick and glazed eyes.<br />
<br />
The crowd favourite, and reason for this tour, 'Obsession' graced the stage. It stung the ears of the crowd with it's aggressive rock vibe. The smell of a 'Cairo match' burnt in the air adding to the hot atmosphere. Flowery grunge came out to play once again and it didn't play nice. It played dirty, and everyone fucking loved it. With its vengeful drums, melancholic lyrics and beautiful breakdown- it is no wonder this track has become so popular of late.<br />
<br />
Check out their Shed Session for 'Obsession' (try saying that 5 times really fast) which features a sexy car, bare feet, some vintage looking lounges and a majestic brunette with luscious long hair cantering in the wind- and no I am not talking about the horse.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/VR4GgO87KYQ" target="_blank">WATCH HERE!!!</a>I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-30676615585722188072013-10-16T16:26:00.001-07:002013-10-16T16:26:53.149-07:00HOW TO BREAK BAD AT YOUR LOCAL CAFE.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span lang="EN-US">Now you must have
noticed the inevitable hype surrounding the Season Finale of Breaking Bad
lurking on your Twitter feed, right? Well, I know each and every one of us has
a little bit of Heisenberg buried down deep inside and this a short guide on
how to break bad while sipping your morning latte, with almond milk of course.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">1. For Christ’s
sakes wear a hat. Doesn’t have to be a nifty little pork pie one like Cranston
sports in the series, but at least a leather snapback will do fine. Peer your
caffeine craving eyeballs from underneath the rim and order a poached egg on
multigrain in your deepest octave. Watch the staff squirm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">2. As you take
your seat, slam your fists on the wooden table and slink deeply into your chair
that probably won’t have a back. Dude, life is hard when you are this bad ass,
you may experience some lower back twangs- but hey, this is what life in the
fast lane is all about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">3. Scatter your
chipotle/tomato sauce mix all around your plate so it looks like blood, giving
the wide-eyed barista a scathing look as you do. You know he is scared, you
kind of are too- I mean who wouldn’t get the memo that bad shit is about to go
down with that kind of display of reckless abandonment of social norms. Make sure
when you leave the establishment you leave your bacon in the shape of a ‘52’,
just to let them know how many hours you have spent streaming that show online.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">4. Keep dropping
meth related jargon into casual conversation with those surrounding you. Something
like, “Wow, I could sure go for some more ICE in my acai berry smoothie” Or
“I’d like some smoked salmon with my eggs, actually I amphetaMEAN one half of
an avocado”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">5. As you walk out
from the café (in which you will most likely never be welcome in again), head
to your car while making eye contact with all the patrons. Open the boot of
your car, throw some shredded paper onto the asphalt, and then speed away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Hopefully this
guide will be the first step to your recovery from such a consuming series such
as the great Breaking Bad, but for Gods sakes kids, SAY NO TO DRUGS!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-84179229750274431322013-10-15T15:21:00.000-07:002013-10-15T15:50:41.233-07:00INTERVIEW: THE CAIROS.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgG7Sc5qEsvSLoahiL9a4BheAtN5M5daczweUHB6-vvGGEcCsUM0iNvzV9G32UoYLsvV6p8BICoHT0ic5y0I6igY-o2ObwNPy6kg5J-RNUy6PGxX4As48nZvfTnhX_phu0DrhZiL1Nnd8/s1600/The+Cairos+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgG7Sc5qEsvSLoahiL9a4BheAtN5M5daczweUHB6-vvGGEcCsUM0iNvzV9G32UoYLsvV6p8BICoHT0ic5y0I6igY-o2ObwNPy6kg5J-RNUy6PGxX4As48nZvfTnhX_phu0DrhZiL1Nnd8/s400/The+Cairos+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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So, yesterday afternoon I had the privilege of having a chat with Jacob Trotter, drummer for The Cairos, about their latest tour, single, album and everything in between. </div>
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The Cairos are currently on a whirlwind tour around Australia, with Vietnam and Singapore having already been checked off the list. </div>
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They have toured with the likes of Julian Casablancas and The Temper Trap with their new album being set to be released in early 2014. </div>
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Hopefully Jacob doesn't take my suggestion of naming their debut album, 'Mark Anthony and Cleopatra' too seriously. Jesus Christ, I thought I was meant to be the writer here, what sort of suggestion is that? Maybe I fan-girled a bit too hard and lost my brain for a moment, or maybe I really should not be involved in naming debut albums.</div>
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Either way, big thanks to Universal Music, The Cairos and especially Jacob for taking the time to have a yarn. Here's what went down:</div>
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<i>I COULD NEVER BE DEAF:</i> So I heard you guys just played the originally cancelled Cama Festival in Vietnam on October 12. How did that show go?</div>
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<b>JACOB:</b> It was cancelled but we managed to get a thrown together [gig], I guess you could call it the 'Show Must Go On'. The day before the Cama Festival was meant to start they put four of the bands together that were meant to be playing in a little club show in Hanoi City. It was absolutely phenomenal. It would have been great to play the actual festival but as far as the show went, it was really good.</div>
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<i>ICNBD: </i>Where would be your favourite place to play on this tour that you are on now?</div>
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<b>J:</b> To be honest, I would have to say Vietnam so far. It was such a wild experience. We all had a fantastic time, we all really enjoyed it.</div>
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<i>ICNBD:</i> Well hopefully Sydney comes close, my hometown.</div>
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<b>J: </b>Well I have to say Sydney is very close to our hearts as well. Second place, I would imagine.</div>
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<i>ICNBD: </i>Which bands would you say are your musical influences?</div>
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<b>J:</b> I think its kind of hard to explain because we all write songs, to varying extents. We are all pretty hands on in the process of creating The Cairos sound. Alistair, who sings and plays guitar, just loves The Beatles- he is a self-professed 'Beatlemaniac'. I think Alf and myself are more into the alternative, grungy 90s music at the moment. You can hear a bit of that in the album that is about to be released. Reuben is into harder rock, he likes The (Rolling) Stones a lot.</div>
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<i>ICNBD:</i> What was your inspiration behind your latest single, 'Obsession'?</div>
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<b>J:</b> Well, 'Obsession' was, if I remember correctly, originally started as a little acoustic demo. We were on tour in Adelaide at the time and we had a day off to ourselves and were staying at a friend's house and Alistair grabbed one of their guitars and was just mucking around. The song has a really deep tuning. The guitar is tuned down two steps. So he wrote the song on that guitar like that, it was just really a low key acoustic guitar song. Pretty much as the song stands now, just played on an acoustic guitar. </div>
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<i>ICNBD: </i>How did you come up with the concept of the video to tie in with the track?</div>
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<b>J:</b> Well, I think the concept of the video is an interesting one, I wouldn't say it is controversial but our mum's don't like it very much. We worked with the producer Alex Ryan who's a really cool director from Sydney. As obviously the EP is quite pop, quite upbeat, and this new record we are about to put out is a fairly different sound, we wanted something that reflected the dark change in the sound. So he had this idea to make this video tell the story of this guy's last meal on Death Row.</div>
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<i>ICNBD:</i> Have you come up with a title for the new album yet? </div>
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<b>J:</b> No, its a little bit up in the air at the moment. We've got a few ideas. We have been talking about it but I think we have just been so busy with touring and everything else at the moment that it's on the back burner. Hopefully soon we will know.</div>
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<i>ICNBD:</i> So are you going to do a 'Kings of Leon' and have a five syllable album title or something like that?</div>
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<b>J:</b> Ah! Maybe, I don't know if we are that adventurous. Have you got any album name suggestions?</div>
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<i>ICNBD: </i>Ooh! Maybe something Egypt themed like 'Mark Anthony and Cleopatra'? I am terrible at this, the ol' band names.</div>
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So where would you like to go next on the touring circuit?</div>
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<b>J:</b> Well we are pretty keen to get overseas and tour the album, even getting over to Vietnam and Singapore and getting to experience the music scenes over there was really eye-opening for all of us. There is a lot going on around the world. It's actually really interesting, we chatted to a few of the International bands at the Cama Festival and they were all saying that the world is taking notice of Australian bands at the moment. We would like to take our music to different countries and experience all of that.</div>
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<i>ICNBD: </i>Who has been your favourite band that you have played with so far?</div>
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<b>J:</b> There's so many! We are really lucky that pretty much in every tour we have done, we have ended up touring with ridiculously nice people. Everyone has been really friendly and I think we have learnt a lot from all the bands we have toured with. I think if I had to pick one, I would probably say The Preatures. We just had the best time with them and we really love all those guys. And girl, Izzy (Isabella Manfredi of The Preatures) who is a girl. We got along really well. We had this weird thing where all of our members linked up, their bass player and our bass player, Reuben were like the same person. It was a really serendipitous moment, touring with them.</div>
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<i>ICNBD:</i> Well I have got one more question for you, what would you stock in your ultimate tour rider?</div>
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<b>J:</b> I've been thinking about this a bit lately. I think our tour rider might need a little bit of an update. I'm going to say my tour rider will not be reflective of The Cairos because I think I like different things to them. Mine would probably be some, this is going to sound really lame, but some sweet vegetarian food I would say. Some Govinda's kind of food. I'm all about food in the rider.</div>
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DISCLAIMER: May the final statements made in the interview not incite fans to dress as any form of vegetarian Indian food to make it into The Cairos rider. No eggplants will be allowed, I do not condone the misuse of a garlic naan bread.</div>
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Make sure you get down to your local establishment to check out these guys, their touring schedule is below (wish I could have made it to the gig in the carpark!):</div>
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SAT 12 OCT</div>
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CAMA FESTIVAL, VIETNAM</div>
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THU 17 OCT</div>
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BLACK BEAR LODGE, BRISBANE</div>
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<a href="http://www.oztix.com.au/" target="_blank">TICKETS</a></div>
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FRI 18 OCT</div>
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FBI SOCIAL, SYDNEY</div>
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SAT 19 OCT</div>
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WORKER'S CLUB, MELBS.</div>
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SAT 16 NOV</div>
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LAUNCH POP UP GIG- MALAK CARPARK, DARWIN</div>
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FREE SHOW| ALL AGES</div>
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WED 20 NOV</div>
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PRINCE OF WALES, BUNBURY WA</div>
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FREE SHOW</div>
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THU 21 NOV</div>
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MOJOS, FREMANTLE WA</div>
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FRI 22 NOV</div>
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YA-YA'S, PERTH </div>
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<object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://img.youtube.com/vi/6VqXriEc_4E/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/6VqXriEc_4E&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/6VqXriEc_4E&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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Buy 'Obsession' on iTunes: <b><a href="https://itunes.apple.com/au/album/obsession-single/id700527853" target="_blank">HERE</a></b><br />
<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-11671403933529413572013-09-24T00:25:00.001-07:002013-09-24T00:25:46.880-07:00UNIVERSAL MUSIC AUSTRALIA X I COULD NEVER BE DEAF<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/6VqXriEc_4E" width="480"></iframe><br />
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Triple J Unearthed alumni, The Cairos are taking a leaf from the genre of the disturbed in their new video for 'Obsession'. Hunks of meat and oceans of ruby red blood splatter into your subconscious for at least your nightmares tonight.<br />
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Grimacing old boys and billows of Winfield ciggie smoke fill your senses in this gritty accompaniment to the static and almost stoic tune of 'Obsession'. The Cairo's must be influenced by 90s fucked up flowery rockers The Smashing Pumpkins as the harmonising and guitar work sounds strangely familiar.<br />
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If you had ever sat on your back porch and wondered what happened to the main protagonist in Paul Kelly's 'How To Make Gravy', the clip to accompany 'Obsession' screams of what could have been in a sordid and slightly depraved sequel. Or at least thats how it went in my imagination.<br />
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Apathetic rock mixed with a bloody steak smeared across a convict's bearded gob? Sounds like the ultimate grunge lord's wet dream. Take a look, have a listen, then cook yourself some dinner.I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-4371402203414687022013-09-11T17:30:00.001-07:002013-09-11T17:30:15.922-07:00TOP 5 WAYS TO GET OVER AN EX.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1IEVBLbv4Fb6M4-PWlVONcxzlCeYOvu9VAIHFF1hADeFHDdRhGT0n9o0w6EfpaEKV8uDG_pPHiMbkGYI5F5CQUNMaD3rWkXlW7CD5q4CJaqtcUAwM0xuPJyTIPuZiiDbF4JrS0jplPNY/s1600/LAME.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1IEVBLbv4Fb6M4-PWlVONcxzlCeYOvu9VAIHFF1hADeFHDdRhGT0n9o0w6EfpaEKV8uDG_pPHiMbkGYI5F5CQUNMaD3rWkXlW7CD5q4CJaqtcUAwM0xuPJyTIPuZiiDbF4JrS0jplPNY/s320/LAME.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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FUCK HIM/HER RIGHT? Dude you will be okay and I am here to shadow your squatting while eating ice cream at the back of a Shell Garage. There is nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing wrong with this either:<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">1. PLOT YOUR REVENGE</span><br />
Sometimes you need to sharpen your knives. Whether or not you actually peg an entire Big Mac meal through their open window or not, it is just fun to draw up some sort of blue print as to their eventual demise. Here are some handy revenge tactics:<br />
- Spike their milk with OMO so they end up making their whites whiter while eating their Nutri Grain.<br />
- Be heaps successful and happy with your own life, that is the harshest bullet to ever take as the Breaker upperer. Trust me.<br />
- Slay their favourite band in front of them.<br />
- Become friends with them and encourage them to finally explore their long awaited dream of stand up comedy, then sit back with a huge box of popcorn and watch them bomb. Make sure you drove them there too so you can piss off before they finish wiping the sweat off their brow in the "green room" and drive off laughing and listening to some bad ass babes like HAIM or something.<br />
- Do not go on Big Brother. Its embarrassing for multiple reasons and in the end no one really wins.<br />
- Write an epic song about the break up painting them out to look like a giant slut, win an award, sell heaps of copies, play a crowded room and then offer to lend the bastard some money.<br />
- Have sex with some amazing rig lord with a beard and some tattoos and take a photo of you on his motorbike with sex hair and do not post it on Instagram because lets be honest if you really were having a fucking heaps mad time, you would not be choosing a fucking filter on Instagram.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">2. MAKE A PLAYLIST.</span><br />
The best thing you can possibly do after a break up is purge yourself of the songs that remind you of them for at least 3 months. Although once it took me a year to be able to listen to Jamiroquai without tearing up, I mean Little L is just so vague and kinda insulting- how can it not remind you of an ex boyfriend? HAH. But the beauty in this, is it allows your little ears to discover some new tunes. Here lies my ultimate "GET OVER YOUR EX" playlist:<br />
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- Get Money : Notorious B.I.G (No one knows how to make you wanna put it down on a giant wad of cash like Biggie.)<br />
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- Gypsy : Fleetwood Mac. (This is the ultimate scream singing song out of your car at 80 km/h- try it and thank me later)<br />
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- HyperParadise (Flume Remix)- Hermitude. (This song will make you want to throw caution to the wind and I am pretty sure the warped voice is saying "NEVER GETTING MARRIED, NEVER GETTING MARRIED". Yeah fuck that!)<br />
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- Anything by Kings Of Leon. (Guaranteed the dude who you went out with does not look like, act like or sing anything like Caleb Followill. So you can listen with the hope that perhaps the next one will slowly get you closer to having weird dirty southern sex with someone much like him).<br />
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- Get Free (Feat. Amber of Dirty Projectors) : Major Lazer. (The delicate beats in this tune will aid any harsh buzz from the outside world)<br />
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- Cheap And Cheerful : The Kills (Bad ass chick, bad ass Mr. Kate Moss, some wild bass and some dismissive lyrics. Nothing to make you feel cooler, in my opinion.)<br />
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- Africa : Toto. (Just do it, trust me).<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">3. GET RIP ROARING DRUNK.</span><br />
Okay so maybe getting fucked up won't cure the heart ache but it sure as fuck will make it go away for at least a couple of hours. Get out there, throw your red lipstick all over the face of some poor bastard who now smells like Marlboro Golds and off vodka pineapples. You'll never see him again! (UNLESS YOU LIVE ON THE CENTRAL COAST)<br />
Be THAT person. Be the one who everyone is talking about the next day, because really all it will prove to you is that other people's bullshit and opinions about you, dont really matter do they?<br />
What do they care? Once they have their Sunday morning bacon and egg roll in their guts, they couldn't give a fuck about all the nasty shit they have judged about someone else. But really, once you have had YOUR B & E roll, do you really give a fuck about them either? MORAL OF THE STORY: When it comes down to it, no one REALLY gives a fuck about anyone but themselves. And that is fine! We are in our 20s and still sadly dealing with teenage angst offcuts, finding a job, travelling to outrageous destinations, drinking and throwing up and no one knowing about it, writing fucking stupid blog posts and instagramming our weetbix. LIFE IS FUCKING HARD.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">4. BECOME A BABE.</span><br />
Now I am definite and sure that you, dear reader are already a babe. And you wanna know why? It is because you would have broken up with/ been broken up with/ been rejected by a fuckwit(s) before. It is the ultimate revenge act (see point 1) when getting over an ex. The look of pure disappointment/wonderment is so delicious when you step out of the house all Baberaham Lincoln, only to face your ex-whatever. Although I do have to make a point, that this should only be truly focused on once. After that, rest assured that you are for sure a megababe and he/she knows it, so relax and don't over do it by continually rocking up to places with your hair professionally done and a new pair of slacks. No one has enough money for that shit. Oh yeah and be sure to strut. This isn't so much for the ex, but rather the new catch. Or rather, for yourself. I have a rule of thumb when walking anywhere in any venue- it doesnt matter. Whether you are on your way in/out or just on your way to the toot- fucking strut. Confidence oozes from your pores, you walk with purpose making bitches wanna be you, and dudes wanna ask you if you are a dude....fuck. Anyway my original point is to be internally and eternally confident and happy with yourself, because you are all interesting, original and fucking amazing.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">5. MOVE ON.</span><br />
Easier said than done, I know. But once you get those wheels in motion, and the other party starts fucking their cousin or something, the moving on process will become WAY easier. You can relax and rely on the fact that you have been yourself all along. Yeah you may have gone too far, thrown a chair or two, hit someone in the face, threw an entire beer jug on an offending party- but hey- at least you made this little thing called life, INTERESTING! I mean, what else are people going to talk about? The election? The sex slave industry? Syria?- Probably not. Find your feet, go travel and see the world and realise that maybe your convenient soulmate wasn't all they were cracked up to be. In fact, maybe you are your real soulmate and you can do anything with yourself! You can even have sex with yourself! & you don't even have to buy yourself a drink first! Fuck, you are such a slut.<br />
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<br />I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1208199929379876015.post-62600984476051607722013-05-28T17:34:00.002-07:002013-05-28T18:27:53.020-07:00UNIVERSAL MUSIC AUSTRALIA X I COULD NEVER BE DEAF<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">JINJA SAFARI - 'PLAGIARIST' (YEASAYER REMIX)</span></h2>
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The beginning of the track will strike a chord for the moody buggers out there who enjoy a succinct and hypnotic clashing of instruments to produce its own instrument in itself. The high pitched warbling mixed with spooky synth and vocals send tingles down your musical spine and cause you to rock back and forth to the crazed nature of this tune. The remix by honourary award (from me to them) LANEWAY LEGENDS OF 2013, <b>Yeasayer </b>definitely captures the trippy and carefree vibe that Jinja Safari portrays so well. Ominous tones to over-the-moon happy vibes are wedged in this meshing of sounds. The climactic orgasm of the song leaves you stranded with limited water and food supply in a tribal amazon of instruments and haunting vocals. Lets just say you will need more than a 1997 Board Game and a bearded Robin Williams to get you out of there!</div>
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Take a listen on Soundcloud: <a href="https://soundcloud.com/jinjasafari/plagiarist-yeasayer-remix-1" target="_blank">HERE</a></div>
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Now I am obviously from The Central Coast of NSW. Jinja Safari are literally the jewel in the Coast's musical crown (besides beloved Kasey Chambers and Lizotte's Restaurant) and they have continued to flourish after leaving our cruiser littered shores not long ago to pursue actual dreams and not just content on working at HMV for the remainder of their lives. DISCLAIMER: This is what I assume, I have no evidence nor know Jinja Safari.</div>
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The point being, I had a little listen of their self titled album that was released on May 17 and it's like I have fallen in love. I am finding roof tops to shout from, I am shaving my legs more often, I wear red lipstick all the time and I completely and utterly revel in the tribal goodness that is Jinja Safari.</div>
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'Apple' is just so endearing and innocently beautiful. Try to listen to this song with a frown. I dare you, go on- sit there and think about how shit your life is and then watch it all be turned around with just one little ditty like this.</div>
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Complex drumming and percussion work is a common thread throughout this album, 'Relax' has hints of 1960s surfer rock infused in this upbeat lullaby. I am actually shimmying like Delta 'For Gods Sake stop yourself' Goodrem as I listen to this and for once I am alright with it.</div>
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'Oh Benzo' takes such a synth turn that you know in your heart of hearts that if The OC were still around, this track would MOST DEFINITELY be on one of their soundtrack albums. Its like Daft Punk and Lady Smith Black Mombazo had a baby at Gosford Hospital and then they started an incredible band that played to thousands at Splendour in the Grass and perpetuated the beautifully reckless way of living that occurs on that splendid weekend.</div>
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The Sitar makes a pleasant appearance in 'Harrison' mixed with hypnotic vocals that tear through your soul much like the wailing guitar riffs. This is a stand out track for me, perhaps it speaks to myself in a past life or perhaps I love the Sitar so much that I would change my name to Yusef Islam.</div>
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The final track on the album, 'Bay of Fires' fuses into a symphony of choral glory. The vocals are a definite stand out on this track with complex guitar work being a close second. The relaxed anthem is a perfect climax to a delightful and delicious nexus of music.</div>
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The true meaning of diversity is reached with Jinja Safari's album, with a colourful array of instruments making this album a must-listen for anyone who ever respects, listens to and/or appreciates the true meaning of what it is to make music. If you are listening to Rita Ora while reading this, then this album is not for you.</div>
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I COULD NEVER BE DEAFhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09271286361317643678noreply@blogger.com0