SHIT TO DO ON VAL DAY

FOR THE LONELY HEARTS

You need to get your friends together and get fucking DRUNK. As luck has it, V Day is on a Friday this year! HOORAY! See, mid week revellers of Valentines usually have the market sewn up with their candlelit dinners, and Sarah McLachlan playlists- but NOT THIS YEAR!
While the lovers are out eating overpriced Thai food, gifting each other with Ped Eggs (to make the spooning smoother), and inevitably passive aggressively fighting about how they both hate each other's friends. Meanwhile....YOU ARE SINGLE ON A FRIDAY! Go out, take a pack of ribbed doms with you, and hopefully a crisp 50 dollar note. This will be all you need to get presumably wasted.
If you prefer to wallow in your own misery/hilarity, watch the latest season of The Bachelor online illegally and slowly pluck away those brain cells much as you would reserve for plucking away the talons of a daisy, scream crying, "HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT!"

FOR THE LOVERS

Whether you have recently shacked up, or you are well and truly on your way to bickering over which avocado is ripest in the fruit section of Coles. You are lovers. Pity Valentines Day is in February for us Australians who have to deal with pretty scorching summers, while those Northies get to use this time to snuggle up and take contrived black and white selfies of each other, with just a HINT of nipple showing. Down UNDA we have to sweat on each other as we lovers rip the sheets from one another and bargain about who should turn the fan velocity up a notch. Set yourself a picnic, but for Christ's sakes use it as an excuse to get rip roaring drunk in public with your significant other. That is what I'll be doing while hi-fiving that we made it to another Valentines Day without selling each other's kidneys on the black market.

FOR THE LOOONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS

I feel like these guys are going to be the ones clogging the Instagram feeds tomorrow, with the lonely hearts following a close second with all of their ironic banter and SORRY NOT SORRY, LONG HAIR DONT CARE bullshit. Fucking spare me. However, the long term-ers are usually the most annoying and high pitched on days like V Day. The old "just made a bouquet of flowers out of my tears and our ripped up bedspread that we bought together from Ikea" post. Or you will have the "Here is a bowl of blueberry encrusted muesli I made for my love with a non-alcoholic Mimosa". FUCK ME. No hate to all the people in long term relationships, GOOD ON YOU dude. You have made it past the honeymoon period and you have stuck around for ages, and shit seems to be working. If it aint broke, why fix it? You guys will probably enjoy Valentines more than any other, or at least the prettiest one under 'X-PRO II'. Im kidding...

FOR THE PEOPLE JUST STILL SORTING OF WORKING IT OUT

Are we? Aren't we? There is no better way to ruin/define a relationship than Valentines Day. I remember once I relied on V Day to define a relationship by the merit of whether or not I would indeed get the kitten toy that said "I think you're PUUURRRfect" from Hot Dollar. Needless to say, my Valentines Day was devoid of pussy, but did feature some dick. LUCKY ME! I say you young loves enjoy yourselves and don't count on getting a hot dollar pussy. Or maybe do? Go out for drinks (WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL OF MY TIPS RELATED TO GETTING PISSED?) and then go home to one of your parent's houses and discover some nooks and unexplored crannies you never knew you had. V Day may be a great time to introduce some sex toys, you know, to take the pressure off?


FOR EVERYONE ELSE

Call me! Lets hang!

CASE OF THE EX

There is truth to the statement that it is hard to be friends with an ex. Its not impossible, out of the 6 billion I have, I think I can truly say I am friends with one. It was a long road, but well worth walking in order to salvage a phenomenal friendship.

As someone who is and knows a majority of chicks who have to see their ex-whatevers out and about roaming around in the harsh daylight of failed relationships, I can tell you that it is hard. Toxic, even.

You feign smiles, shake hands, and pretend that you haven't tried to remember what it was like to kiss them.

In the deep dark recesses of unemployment, I have taken to illegally watching The Real World which just so happens to be about a bunch of extremely immature American people, put together in a house with complete strangers, only to be crashed by all of their exes. (When I re-read this, I truly understood how tragic this sounds)

The reaction is much like a possum when it realises a predator is around. Stunned, and with a complete stop to all physical motion. This reaction has much to be said about when you see an ex out and about.

How do you act? What do you say? Why is it still so fucking awkward after so many years? You used to be inside of me and now we act like we both speak separate languages that can only be translated with shifty looks and sipping of vodka pineapples.

I understand that when a relationship eventually ends that the aftermath is usually raw and eye contact is something that can produce dry retching. But years down the line, why is it still so hard to see an ex?

I dont know about anyone else, but when I am talking to someone I have been intimate with, I always have a little voice in the back of my mind that says "He has seen your boobs", then I giggle.

Is it a leftover symptom of the awkward teenage years that we carry on reluctantly into adulthood that we can't acknowledge the existence of an ex for the sheer fact that they might make their MSN name a coded diss towards you or your personal hygiene?

Unless you guys ended up in a brawl with a restraining order making it illegal for you to be in the same vicinity, then why does it have to be so hostile? Cant we all just get along?

& what about when people make your business, theirs? Then what, you have even more people you have to duck and dodge in the hope that you can just have your after beery kebab in peace.

As a perpetual ex-girlfriend, I try and accept the inevitable for what it is- a glorious experience where you got to know someone really intimately and pretty much didn't go for it, it ended. You had sex with each other. They picked you a flower. They told you that you danced like a fucking idiot. You told them they were a fucking idiot. You might have enjoyed the ride as well. But for some reason, things didn't mesh. The timing was off. You were boring. Or they were. Who really gives a fuck anymore.

They always say the hardest part about being an ex is seeing your ex with someone new. But honestly, it doesn't bother me like it used to. I want the best for my exes. I want them to have what I couldn't give them, whether that be some new babe or taking off into the sunset with nothing but themselves. It doesn't really make a difference.

Moral of the story is that it is fucking hard being an ex. So much so, that if you are in a new relationship now, the ex should not even be a worry to you. Unless she keeps buzzing around, acting hurt. Because the beautiful part about relationships is learning shit- and according to experience, that shit means he is still fucking her.

YAY!

E L L E N .

Now I haven't done an appreciation post in over 2 years.
Maybe I was just saving it until now.
Maybe it took this long to find the words to put together in homage to one of my absolute closest mates that I will ever come across in my life.
How do I even know that you may ask?
You might meet someone even better than Ellen...

ITS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE, TRUST ME.

There are some people who sweep into your life like a gust of wind that lights up a sky before a storm.
This wasn't one of those moments.

It wasn't like a soft breeze, a timid change in the weather.
Ellen hit me like a lightning bolt and ever since being electrocuted with her subtle blonde locks, I have never been the same!

Sometimes you meet people at the most unexpected of times. This was one of those times, her and Carly thudded into my life like a giant suitcase filled with an extraordinary amount of clothes that we didn't need.

Ever since that chance meeting, that just so happened that they clicked on the Topdeck confirmation button at the same time as me, my life has changed forever!

I will always hold the Queensland moments close to my heart.
If there ever was or ever will be a time where I felt more free in my life I will never know.
We smoked cigarettes off balconies, sighed in unison and cried at the thought of a departing flight on a Tiger Airways death plane.

We ran faster than a rabid shopping trolley on a path of destruction and stayed up way past our bedtimes, watching the scorching QLD sun reach its peak.

The noisy sleeping bag, the rock hard tits of Sammy Jo.

My big back, the corona bucket at Beenleigh Superdrome.

Watching Flight of Concords while your mum ironed.

NYE 2010- in the back alley as midnight struck.

Drinking litres of lambrusco over terry steak.

SPLENDOUR IN THE GRASS 2011/2012

Phone calls from the other side of the world.

Singing 'Bad Girl' by Usher through the streets of Surry Hills after a massive pasta dinner

"Who's Hayley?"

"Who the fuck is Travis?"

hip-hop, wine and Mitt

Muriel's Wedding tour.

That massive sausage at that cafe at The Rocks

I could go on and on. See you today darlin, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

Now this may not be a poem that I am going to read out later tonight, but I am completely genuine in saying that if it weren't for you my life would be a trillion times more fucked.

I LOVE YA!

YOUR MID 20S: A RETROSPECTIVE.

You know what? I feel really fucking sorry for all these fucking kids nowadays who have jack shit to look up to or enjoy. I dont give a shit if I sound over the hill in that previous sentence either.

I was born in 1988 and at the time The Pretty Woman Soundtrack was going off and people had just started to see the effects of cocaine on business savvy execs. This is what I assume anyway.

Now while we may have had an embarrassing childhood with the likes of Devon Sawa and Melissa Joan Hart (which no matter how hard you try, I will never see Clarissa Explains It All as a fucking fashion icon- I will not wear one of those god forsaken floppy hats you can get fucked), but I will tell you what, I will never take back those formidable years of a young woman's life- also known as the Teenage years.

For me, it was around 2001-2006 in which I would consider myself a "teenager". 19 is such a bullshit age and you can guarantee every fuckwit 19 year old right now is saying,

"THIS IS THE LAST YEAR OF EVER BEING A TEENAGER!"

I did it, you did it too.

But the sad news for those with breast buds in the year of 2013 is the likes of Miley Cyrus' shaved puss pulsating in your face, re-tweeting shit quotes with ambiguous referencing, Instagramming their lunch box or measuring the likes they get on their physical appearance or intelligence. There is shite TV, Skrillex is a cunt and you don't need to be on a diet.

Once again, I am assuming this.

I believe I have achieved that ripe age of 25 where I am delusional in the fact that I believe that I am over the hill and can reflect fondly on the time I had as a teenager.

You remember that time right? JUST on the cusp of when the Black Eyed Peas sold out, you remember legitimately being/seeing emos, you were a Marissa or a Summer or a Seth or a Ryan or a Sandy Cohen (maybe that was just me?) Anyway, here is my compilation of some of the best shit that ever came out from when I first started smooching dudes and dry humping:


1. MURDER INC

We had Ali G In Da House which allowed the INC to be shown in true boombastic form. Here I would like to show you my myriad of Ja Rule feat Ashanti songs that have a dear spot in my heart but I will have to just settle with one (had to go the explicit version too):

2. UNWRITTEN LAW/ DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

I remember spending many a summer evening driving around Saratoga and Kincumber listening to Dash loudly and singing every word like my life were to end if I dropped the melancholy note. Every single lyric seemed to penetrate your soul and completely relate to every aspect of your life. Feelings were just felt so much harder back then! Or at least thats what we told ourselves as we clutched our silver goon bags to our chest and fled The Shark Tower with red tongues, stained from cheap underage alcohol concoctions.

UP ALL NIGHT- UNWRITTEN LAW

HANDS DOWN- DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

3. THE OC

We found out kids were getting just as fucked up as we were although we didn't have daddy's range rover to high tail it round to our dealer's house. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley would always remind us of a burning Mega Mansion and if we ever needed to impress a girl we learned we could tell the chick that we, "stole a car....crashed it".

Death Cab For Cutie were put on our turquoise Ipod mini's which took us 6 months to properly figure out how the fuck to use.

We yearned for a modern day love story much like Marissa and Ryan and Volcheck and Johnny and that other weird guy who hosted the NYE bash and Finley Quaye's 'Dice' magically swayed our brains for the rest of our existence. We all picked who we were. We fucking did, don't deny it.

We will forever be reminded of when Trey got shot when Imogen Heap's song, 'Hide & Seek' plays.
We want to secretly go to T.J to O.D in an alley.

And when Marissa died it was the talk of the town over choc chip muffins and off oranges.

The OC will always be a mirage of what was, and we still hope Ryan stayed on the straight and narrow with his construction job and try and forget when Summer went all hippie. This is real people, and you know it to be true.


4. INCUBUS

A great majority of my friends have been to an Incubus concert, and a great majority still name them as one of their all time favourite bands.

MORNING VIEW MAN! You can't tell me you didn't ponder about which subjects to choose for your senior years without having at least one session to Aqueous Transmission?

We all relate to the five-piece like they were our older brothers, fashioning the perfect make out session and the ultimate alternative rock to find yourself to. Even I wanted to take up surfing and get a koi fish tattoo to show my utter devotion to the band.

5. THE OPEN HOUSE PARTY

Remember these? I think Corey Worthington personally ruined this notion for future generations. I remember being told about these shin digs and taking them completely seriously. Open House? I will be there whether or not I have ever seen the host's face before or not.

Drinking disgusting pre packaged bourbons and kissing the dudes at the party who most resembled Brandon Boyd.

The dude who was drinking passion pop and eventually found an acoustic guitar out of nowhere only to start strumming 'Cailin' by Unwritten Law or 'Wonderwall' by Oasis.

Lying to your parents about alcohol and even stashing the remnants in the bushes of your front yard in a back pack, thinking that somehow the backpack will take on the colours of the shrubbery like some sort of cloth chameleon.

Swilling from goon sacks and dancing to Paul Kelly. The weirdo who gets serious and draws a weapon. The constant threat of "THE COPS" and 6 packs of double blacks.

Before Facebook had events, we were running with word of mouth which produced some of the most thumping box socials the Coast had ever seen. Somehow we got our hands on underage alcohol and there was ALWAYS a fight, or at least talk of a fight.

A time for the potent potion of adolescence to collide and drink pre mixed lemony drinks with the pure intention of fucking with the law. Driving recklessly on your red P's and listening to anything but house music. Cheezels and snakes were always out on a sogged plastic tablecloth and for some reason, that staple always rang true. We were so bad ass.


Ahhh....the good ol days.

REVIEW: THE CAIROS, FBI SOCIAL OCTOBER 18 2013.

The air was thick as it spread across the dim lit floor of FBI Social on a somewhat quiet Friday night. Across the road, Chris Lilley was gracing Santa Barbara amongst a pastiche of taxidermy and cherry red lightbulbs.


Gritty guitar swept across the crowd as the shrieks of one onlooker in 5 inch creepers marked the beginning of The Cairos' set. Floating bass and catchy beats set Indie Pop on fire as the quartet made their presence known to the revellers.

The Cairos were grungy and sweet at the same time. Flowery lyrics matched with an air of cool to rival even the most seasoned performers. The climactic clash of instruments made for a kaleidoscopic view of the band as you allowed your senses to become one with the  peak of sounds.

The vocals from Alistair sounded like he had become the long lost love child of none other than Billy Corgan. Masculine, yet sickly sweet in a juxtaposition that became original in its own right. A garage band had been transformed into an up and coming jewel in the Australian rock crowd.

Some thoughts that swept across my mind while taking in the set were that The Cairos has a similar sound to the early Silverchair days. That 90s grit was reborn to these young bloods that had become lost on The 'Chair in the '00s.

Impressive swirling breakdowns created an almost Psychedelic screech of the guitar from Alf mixed with ominous drums from Jacob. An ultimate apathy was displayed upon the bands faces although the passion for this set could be seeing buzzing through their fingertips like electrical pulses.

It was refreshing to see a somewhat local band with so much agility and strength when it came to performing. The crowd was slowly loosening up and swishing their beverages around in unison to the sounds.

A personal highlight was seeing the band transform from grungy apocalypse to punchy Indie Pop within minutes. It was a fun transformation that showed their diversity and range. Also, their cascading guitar riffs did seem to pull on the heart strings.

They played a song off their upcoming album. An angry guitar riff soon panned out into a pop type of vibe, making for  real head banger. They seemed to mesh so many genres into one set with such ease. If Courtney Love had been here 20 years ago, you could have just pictured her draped over the bulbous speakers that surrounded the stage with smeared lipstick and glazed eyes.

The crowd favourite, and reason for this tour, 'Obsession' graced the stage. It stung the ears of the crowd with it's aggressive rock vibe. The smell of a 'Cairo match' burnt in the air adding to the hot atmosphere. Flowery grunge came out to play once again and it didn't play nice. It played dirty, and everyone fucking loved it. With its vengeful drums, melancholic lyrics and beautiful breakdown- it is no wonder this track has become so popular of late.

Check out their Shed Session for 'Obsession' (try saying that 5 times really fast) which features a sexy car, bare feet, some vintage looking lounges and a majestic brunette with luscious long hair cantering in the wind- and no I am not talking about the horse.

WATCH HERE!!!

HOW TO BREAK BAD AT YOUR LOCAL CAFE.

Now you must have noticed the inevitable hype surrounding the Season Finale of Breaking Bad lurking on your Twitter feed, right? Well, I know each and every one of us has a little bit of Heisenberg buried down deep inside and this a short guide on how to break bad while sipping your morning latte, with almond milk of course.

1. For Christ’s sakes wear a hat. Doesn’t have to be a nifty little pork pie one like Cranston sports in the series, but at least a leather snapback will do fine. Peer your caffeine craving eyeballs from underneath the rim and order a poached egg on multigrain in your deepest octave. Watch the staff squirm.

2. As you take your seat, slam your fists on the wooden table and slink deeply into your chair that probably won’t have a back. Dude, life is hard when you are this bad ass, you may experience some lower back twangs- but hey, this is what life in the fast lane is all about.

3. Scatter your chipotle/tomato sauce mix all around your plate so it looks like blood, giving the wide-eyed barista a scathing look as you do. You know he is scared, you kind of are too- I mean who wouldn’t get the memo that bad shit is about to go down with that kind of display of reckless abandonment of social norms. Make sure when you leave the establishment you leave your bacon in the shape of a ‘52’, just to let them know how many hours you have spent streaming that show online.

4. Keep dropping meth related jargon into casual conversation with those surrounding you. Something like, “Wow, I could sure go for some more ICE in my acai berry smoothie” Or “I’d like some smoked salmon with my eggs, actually I amphetaMEAN one half of an avocado”.

5. As you walk out from the café (in which you will most likely never be welcome in again), head to your car while making eye contact with all the patrons. Open the boot of your car, throw some shredded paper onto the asphalt, and then speed away.

Hopefully this guide will be the first step to your recovery from such a consuming series such as the great Breaking Bad, but for Gods sakes kids, SAY NO TO DRUGS!

INTERVIEW: THE CAIROS.

So, yesterday afternoon I had the privilege of having a chat with Jacob Trotter, drummer for The Cairos, about their latest tour, single, album and everything in between. 

The Cairos are currently on a whirlwind tour around Australia, with Vietnam and Singapore having already been checked off the list. 

They have toured with the likes of Julian Casablancas and The Temper Trap with their new album being set to be released in early 2014. 

Hopefully Jacob doesn't take my suggestion of naming their debut album, 'Mark Anthony and Cleopatra' too seriously. Jesus Christ, I thought I was meant to be the writer here, what sort of suggestion is that? Maybe I fan-girled a bit too hard and lost my brain for a moment, or maybe I really should not be involved in naming debut albums.

Either way, big thanks to Universal Music, The Cairos and especially Jacob for taking the time to have a yarn. Here's what went down:

I COULD NEVER BE DEAF: So I heard you guys just played the originally cancelled Cama Festival in Vietnam on October 12. How did that show go?

JACOB: It was cancelled but we managed to get a thrown together [gig], I guess you could call it the 'Show Must Go On'. The day before the Cama Festival was meant to start they put four of the bands together that were meant to be playing in a little club show in Hanoi City. It was absolutely phenomenal. It would have been great to play the actual festival but as far as the show went, it was really good.

ICNBD: Where would be your favourite place to play on this tour that you are on now?

J: To be honest, I would have to say Vietnam so far. It was such a wild experience. We all had a fantastic time, we all really enjoyed it.

ICNBD: Well hopefully Sydney comes close, my hometown.

J: Well I have to say Sydney is very close to our hearts as well. Second place, I would imagine.

ICNBD: Which bands would you say are your musical influences?

J: I think its kind of hard to explain because we all write songs, to varying extents. We are all pretty hands on in the process of creating The Cairos sound. Alistair, who sings and plays guitar, just loves The Beatles- he is a self-professed 'Beatlemaniac'. I think Alf and myself are more into the alternative, grungy 90s music at the moment. You can hear a bit of that in the album that is about to be released. Reuben is into harder rock, he likes The (Rolling) Stones a lot.

ICNBD: What was your inspiration behind your latest single, 'Obsession'?

J: Well, 'Obsession' was, if I remember correctly, originally started as a little acoustic demo. We were on tour in Adelaide at the time and we had a day off to ourselves and were staying at a friend's house and Alistair grabbed one of their guitars and was just mucking around. The song has a really deep tuning. The guitar is tuned down two steps. So he wrote the song on that guitar like that, it was just really a low key acoustic guitar song. Pretty much as the song stands now, just played on an acoustic guitar. 

ICNBD: How did you come up with the concept of the video to tie in with the track?

J: Well, I think the concept of the video is an interesting one, I wouldn't say it is controversial but our mum's don't like it very much. We worked with the producer Alex Ryan who's a really cool director from Sydney. As obviously the EP is quite pop, quite upbeat, and this new record we are about to put out is a fairly different sound, we wanted something that reflected the dark change in the sound. So he had this idea to make this video tell the story of this guy's last meal on Death Row.

ICNBD: Have you come up with a title for the new album yet? 

J: No, its a little bit up in the air at the moment. We've got a few ideas. We have been talking about it but I think we have just been so busy with touring and everything else at the moment that it's on the back burner. Hopefully soon we will know.

ICNBD: So are you going to do a 'Kings of Leon' and have a five syllable album title or something like that?

J: Ah! Maybe, I don't know if we are that adventurous. Have you got any album name suggestions?

ICNBD: Ooh! Maybe something Egypt themed like 'Mark Anthony and Cleopatra'? I am terrible at this, the ol' band names.

So where would you like to go next on the touring circuit?

J: Well we are pretty keen to get overseas and tour the album, even getting over to Vietnam and Singapore and getting to experience the music scenes over there was really eye-opening for all of us. There is a lot going on around the world. It's actually really interesting, we chatted to a few of the International bands at the Cama Festival and they were all saying that the world is taking notice of Australian bands at the moment. We would like to take our music to different countries and experience all of that.

ICNBD: Who has been your favourite band that you have played with so far?

J: There's so many! We are really lucky that pretty much in every tour we have done, we have ended up touring with ridiculously nice people. Everyone has been really friendly and I think we have learnt a lot from all the bands we have toured with. I think if I had to pick one, I would probably say The Preatures. We just had the best time with them and we really love all those guys. And girl, Izzy (Isabella Manfredi of The Preatures) who is a girl. We got along really well. We had this weird thing where all of our members linked up, their bass player and our bass player, Reuben were like the same person. It was a really serendipitous moment, touring with them.

ICNBD: Well I have got one more question for you, what would you stock in your ultimate tour rider?

J: I've been thinking about this a bit lately. I think our tour rider might need a little bit of an update. I'm going to say my tour rider will not be reflective of The Cairos because I think I like different things to them. Mine would probably be some, this is going to sound really lame, but some sweet vegetarian food I would say. Some Govinda's kind of food. I'm all about food in the rider.

DISCLAIMER: May the final statements made in the interview not incite fans to dress as any form of vegetarian Indian food to make it into The Cairos rider. No eggplants will be allowed, I do not condone the misuse of a garlic naan bread.

Make sure you get down to your local establishment to check out these guys, their touring schedule is below (wish I could have made it to the gig in the carpark!):

SAT 12 OCT

CAMA FESTIVAL, VIETNAM

THU 17 OCT

BLACK BEAR LODGE, BRISBANE

TICKETS

FRI 18 OCT

FBI SOCIAL, SYDNEY

TICKETS

SAT 19 OCT

WORKER'S CLUB, MELBS.

TICKETS

SAT 16 NOV

LAUNCH POP UP GIG- MALAK CARPARK, DARWIN

FREE SHOW| ALL AGES

WED 20 NOV

PRINCE OF WALES, BUNBURY WA

FREE SHOW

THU 21 NOV

MOJOS, FREMANTLE WA

TICKETS

FRI 22 NOV

YA-YA'S, PERTH 

TICKETS

Buy 'Obsession' on iTunes:  HERE