BITCHES BE CRAZY.

Merry fucking Christmas.

I bet if you are a girl you have been called a psycho, or at the very least heard lads talking about how chicks are nuts.

Now I find it offensive calling all of female-kind "psychos" as we all aren't out to seduce you (poor things), ring your number 32872478583 times leaving 12763264623 messages asking what you are doing and what you want to do and to then key your car and become friends with your mother behind your back.

Sometimes girls are just out to get what they humanly want regardless of how hot you think you are and how your cock must shoot special stage 5 clinger dust that gets all up in there and turns the cool chick into a head case. Some of us were originally headcases but you failed to notice that when you were having a scintillating conversation with our titz.

Thats your fault buster, you missed out on the fact that we said we did have 28 cats with names all starting with the letter 'Q' or that we usually get horny on wednesday afternoons after X Factor because of the lesbian crush we had on Mel B when we were 11.

All that was on your mind was the sweet sweet puss, so dont turn around with your chest puffed out like a Taylor Square pigeon and a nosehole to rival Cosima Devito and tell your mates that she is SO FUCKEN KEEN AY.

I completely acknowledge the fact that some girls ruin it for the rest of us. The ones you see running around in a cocktail dress with no shoes on and a blonde wig screeching about why you dont love her. (TRUE STORY)

But to assume every single chick is out to get into your pants (HAHAHAHA) and then stalk your facebook page the way i stalk my netbank account hoping for some sort of miracle is completely absurd.

On the other hand, if you are keen on a girl (& maybe for only one night- no judgement about that, do what you want) it wont kill you to maybe take her out on a date first, not just rock up to the beery with your dick in your hand swinging it around in the attempt to win her affections. An ice cream costs $3 and will make her feel a bit special (fuck this is depressing that that is what we should hope for- for fucks sake)

I am sighing in exasperation at this situation.

EXAMPLE: My friend Bek met this guy at a work party and SHOCK HORROR he took her out on a date and then MESSAGED HER AFTER IT. I was like wow that is so nice! Then immediately I thought- wait, why is that SO NICE?
shits turned fucked if you ask me.

Here are the reasons why I think its gone pear shaped:

1. We put out too readily.

2. Boys think they are the shit.

3. We have become a better bargain than the Fleshlight.

4. Salt N Pepa are no longer making new albums.


However, I have no answer as to correct this conundrum. I suppose the saying is true:
NO MATTER HOW GOOD SHE LOOKS, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE IS TIRED OF HER SHIT.

I know some girls who wont message the boy first in the fear of that male thinking that she is psycho. What happened to the empowering of women going for what they want? Its oppression in the mildest form, but its still there.


So here are some tips from Salt N Pepa:

Just think, Santa would take anything he could get- poor bastard.

VAGINA!

I figured I should be fair to the people who read this thing and complete a chicks have some sweet shit about them too.

But the thing is, its kind of hard for me to put babein chicks into categories as I dont really spend that much time thinking about the types of girls out there for the boys.

So I thought I would break it down into three categories to do with physical features that are usually noticed by boys and somehow turn that into an interesting blog post (bear with me). So here we go:


TITZ:

I have asked a few lads around what their preference is when it comes to tits, ass or legs. This is what they had to say.
Tits are basically appreciated by all men and are a given. As a wise scholar once said over lunch (I'm paraphrasing)
"Tits are a given, you can't really get bad tits. Whenever a guy sees boobs all he thinks is "boobs". But to get a nice ass or legs, its rarer."
So if you can imagine that all men love boobs (I know its hard, so weird of them hey) then you are sweet, and 99% of the time if you are a woman you will have tits, so you are winning in that department when it comes to the more rugged sex.
Although Id like to point out when posed this question, very few men actually chose boobies as their preference. Does this mean we as women are getting our cans out too often? Are we overloading the boys with our fun bags? Has it become the drunk Facebook status of the body? I wouldnt be surprised if that was the case- I mean who wants to pursue the chase of the norks if they are in the dudes face the whole time?
But tits are pretty lovely I must say, damn the ratio if you get to see a set in their entirety then you should feel very lucky.


ASS:

Fuck me where do I start. Isnt this the popular choice! I personally dont get the whole ass thing, but I understand that some men froth on your behind and look at it when you dont realise. I dont know how I feel about it, flattered or violated? Who am i kidding? Id be stoked.
I have also recieved a lot of responses regarding the fact that ass and legs are one and the same. As in, if you have a killer set of pins then you must have a sweet ass. I dont know about this one, but girls should appreciate the illusion that some heels can give off and fool the lot of you into thinking we have some mad butt cheeks.
I even had my friend Amy tell me her first preference for a girls bod is the ass, which is quite impressive if you ask me. I almost wish I asked more in depth about this ass phenomenon in which the majority of men go apeshit over the derrière as I need to understand why its so much better than the legs or the boobs? Maybe thats why that David Jones guy got in so much shit for grabbing the ass of his assistant or whoever she was (top journalism from me), because he didnt explain his appreciation for her bottom. Silly bastard.


LEGS:

Now if someone was asking me, I would say legs are the most attractive part of a woman. Especially when placed in the right shoe or under the right clothes. I believe in not showing off the chesticles so much as the pins, why you may ask? Because I believe they are the secret subtle weapon of women and should be used much like an AK 47. I had an appreciative soul speak up for the leg, or should I say the "upper inner thigh" which was very specific and helpful to my cause and kind of made me think of a roast chicken. Maybe this is the secret to the ass! You can ask for a leg of chicken and a breast, but no one ever asks "OI MUM, CAN YOU SAVE US THE ASS OF THE CHICKEN?"
Its the one thing that isnt on the menu! (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
solved. sweet.
But yeah the legs, they are sexy and smooth most of the time and should be appreciated a lot more than the ass if you ask my opinion (which you didnt).
Get your pins out girls, show them off and spritz that fake tan or whatever you use to make them absolutely finger lickin good.



I now would like to acknowledge that you boys would accept the puss over anything else.

I hope this post encourages you to check out some sweet ass or killer pins or epic tits and hopefully not end up with a drink in your face or a lawsuit.

PS: CHIX: Let them have a look for fucks sake, its not that bad and you know you love it.

PENIS!

HERE IS MY BI MONTHLY OBLIGATORY MAN POST.

This is for ma ladieeessss.

Dont you just love men? (unless you are a lesbian, then don't you just love chix?)

They can be rude and obnoxious
They can come in your face or on your back
They may wank on you if you don't want to put out
They might call you a bitch or a slut
They could break your heart
or burp under their breath
or yell lewd insults or spit in the street.
They think with their dick and maybe that gets them into trouble, but by god where would we be without it....i mean them.

But sometimes they are just fucking lovely.
Their arms and lips.
Their eyes and hands.
Their gap teeth and their style
Their chest and back.
you know the drill.

I sat awake with three very different men last night discussing such things until 3am, and due to different levels of appreciation of the genders and I realised I spend a lot of my thinking time, thinking about boys.
WHO CARES, I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN, ITS OK TO THINK ABOUT THOSE OTHER HUMANS SOMETIMES.
Plus I would like to know one woman who doesn't either say or think "babe!" when they see one.

I have come to the decision that i am absolutely completely in love with men.
Not all men at the same time- I think you know what I mean. (INSERT BUKKAKE JOKE)
I know, this is probably a shock to anyone who has read any of my other posts, but I just wanted to delve into the deep chasm that is.....MAN.

So lets break it down (in a really generalised manner) and name some types:

MUSICIAN MEN:

your caleb followills or dave navarros (I am naming who I think are babes in the music industry)
Screeching husky voices belting out their hand written lyrics on a smoky stage making all the girls in the audience loosen their panties and breathe heavily (sometimes because they are basically behind a microphone)
"Oh babe look at him! he is just SAAA HOT! The things I would do to him with that drum stick babe, oh you have no idea. Look at the way he plays bass! his fingers moving in such rhythm and speed."
Pretty much, chicks equate playing instruments to sex, so if you can play an instrument then go for your life. But do not do it at a party while other music is playing, it makes you look like a hippie, and girls will laugh at you.


HIPSTERS:

I dont have much nice to say about this crew, but I do appreciate the long locks most of them sport. So do HEAPS of other chicks, they froth on it. So you know- go grow that hair, shit- take a GHD to that bad boy and make waves and some girls will absolutely lose their tits for you.
Commit to it though, thats one piece of advice but do not get too into it, otherwise it is such a fucking turn off when you are asking your girl crush if velvet and paisley are actually a good mix while holding a longie and a rollie.


TATTOO BOYS/ PUNK KIDS:

I love tattoos. I think when a girl sees a boy with etchings all over his body they get slightly moist for the skin underneath it all. PLUS- it is such a great conversation starter:
"oh hey tattooed boy, whats this one mean? OMGZ did it hurt? Are you okay? Oh babe ill peel the glad wrap off it later tonight. Oh, its a picture of a skull vomiting on George Bush? Babe you are so up with world politics, lets go home and ill read your whole body like its the new Candice Bushnell novel."
But for serious- tattoos are hot, and so are you.


SURFERS:

Ok its a given that chicks get wettie for a boy in a wettie. He's in the waves whipping his hair back and forth, being one with the waves, throwing shakkas to his mates on the sand who you are also staring at (but trying to not make it look obvious).
He usually has a fine layer of water over him as he makes his way out of the water- I mean christ, there is a reason why they made the Baywatch opening credits in slow motion. Its sexy and I never thought I would ever say that about shralpers.


GENTLEMEN:

They are the first to offer you a drink (and not slip in something that dissolves)
They offer you their hand if you need to get out of a car, they also walk road side on the sidewalk to shield the woman from stray lunatics on bikes WHO JUST HAVE SOMEPLACE TO BE RIGHT NOW!
They wont overload the romance, but they do make the girl feel attractive and like the only girl in the room (which is a big deal to the more vicious and jealous sex)
They think before they speak, drink scotch and smoke cigarettes (yeah I just started watching Mad Men)
They are lovely, have a backbone and will kiss but never tell.


SK8ERS:

FUCK ME. Skaters are so fucking obliviously babein its ridiculous. They dont even know it! Or maybe they do.....anyway, something in my girl code of genetics makes me feel like all is right in the world whenever I see a skater. Sometimes I get closer in my car and they are like 15 and I feel dirty and like I should maybe change my route from Sydney to Terrigal Police Station.
So I am only talking about the 18+ skaters who shred the pavement and sometimes wear their shirt in the back pocket of their jeans. good god.


STRAIGHT UP BABES:

There is nothing better in your day than seeing a fucking Baberaham Lincoln out in the street, or if they are one of your regulars that you secretly (or maybe not so secretly- it depends) crush on and tell everyone about.
The ones who defy babeness and come into a realm of so much handsome and charm you then find yourself in a trance like in that Mighty Boosh episode in Season 2 when Naboo, Bollo, Vince and Howard get hypnotized by the love monster things and Vince has piggytails in it and they are all wearing white kaftans.
Let me give you some examples:
1. Pretty much 80% of Splendour In The Grass' occupants.
2. 2.5% of the Central Coast (but when you find one, the taste is sweeter)
3. Anyone with an instrument in front of them (see above)
You know you are a babe when 3/4 of her friends rate you highly as well. But please dont ever find out that we think you are a babe because then you know it and the ego is uncontrollable.


BOYS FROM QUEENSLAND:

 You guys, you are shit hot. When I wandered into the mecca of men that is known as the Gold Coast (& I am not referring to the Oakley sporting dudes that you see during the day) I signed myself up to full exploration of the place in 2010 and since then have rated up north highly to any and every girl as they will not be disappointed by the amount of babes just hanging about the place. I saw a man there once that literally took my breath away.




I think men are quite simple to figure out, but then again I have no idea what you fuckers think.
All I know for a fact is:

NO FAT CHICKS.

BOOBIES & FASHION.

BOYS LOVE BOOBS

GIRLS LOVE HAVING BOOBS (& SOME ALSO LOVE BOOBS)

SOME GIRLS HAVE BIG OL BOOBIES

SOME GIRLS HAVE LITTLE ONES.

ALL BOOBS ARE BEAUTIFUL & NEED LOVIN TENDER CARE

& YOU CAN HELP MAINTAIN THE BOOBS BY GOING INTO ANY OF THESE STORES & BUYING A BLACK & WHITE OUTFIT FROM THE FOLLOWING SHOPS:

* Cotton On Body
* Cue
*Peep Toe
*Metalicus
*Seafolly
*Secrets
*Seduce

25% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research.

Celebrities (whatever that means) support this cause, but what really matters is that YOU have the opportunity to flip that cancer dickwad the finger.

FASHION TARGETS BREAST CANCER

WHAT KIND OF A WORLD WOULD IT BE IF WE DIDNT CELEBRATE TITS?
ASK YOURSELF THAT!

OLDER & WISER PART 7.

1. It doesnt take much to be friendly, to say hi and ask someone how they are. It takes heaps of effort to be sarcastic and rude, which makes you look like you care more. So it is a joke you are actually playing on yourself you witty bastard.

2. No one "bashes" anyone anymore, thank fuck. This isnt a school disco or Erina friday night. We are in our 20's. We are in...our....20s.

3. If you work for assholes, you will eventually become one- ABORT ABORT ABORT!

4. Dont call the fat chick "fat" because her best friend is probably the one with the mad tits and sweet puss, and then you will never get it, EVER.

5. Wearing a trucker hat should be banned. On men and women.

6. Listing all the brands you are wearing does not make you look like you know your shit, what it does make you look like is that you have spent way too much money on Vogue and Russh, spent way too much time sucking Alex Perry's dick (and we all know how much time and strain that would take), and give way too much of a shit about what people think of you- which ironically makes people think you are a wanker.

7. Watching boys pump iron in the gym makes me ill.

8. Watch your mouth more, it takes nothing to say nothing- but yelling at people or calling them names is tiresome and makes you look crazy. You then become the equivalent to those nut bags in Crown Street screaming insults at no one. You dont want that, do you? You just want a hug.

9. Tell someone that they look beautiful. Dont tell their friend, or their mailman, or the guy at the Caltex. Tell them. No one else wants to hear it, trust me I hear that shit all the time about my beautiful friends- especially being a girl (we compare ourselves to one another constantly and to our own inevitable detriment) we will just think about how we are not as good/pretty/hot/banging body/lovely/nice/special as the other chick you are talking about. It doesnt mean that we want you, or we want you to think that about us- it just means that we dont want to have another minute in the day consumed by the fact that we think we aren't as good as another.

10. Speaking of that, tell someone something nice about themselves today. It will make their day and make yours too from their reaction! No one is told enough about how lovely they are, but rather the opposite which is a crying shame, because most people are just wonderful and they make you feel happy when they are around- but by fuck they should know it! It wont make you look like a dick, and if they take it the wrong way (which will probably happen if you say it to 99% of men- NO WE DONT WANT YOU IN THAT WAY SETTLE DOWN!) then just keep moving on and dont lose momentum, just because they dont know how to take it isnt your problem.

11. 11/11/11- I dont give a shit.

12. Make a girl a Mix tape- it takes a lot more effort than writing: "hey gurl, wat chu up 2 dis avo? letz get a drink, U payen?" off your Nokia.

13. BOYS: Please try and use the word "cunt" in a lesser fashion around girls, DO NOT talk about shit in front of us girls or get all your mates a round and not ask if we want a drink. Its disgusting.

14. Initiative is the most underrated quality any could have. It makes girls happy in the sack and in the public, plus it makes us think you aren't a lazy so and so.

15. Movember makes all the indie boys wanna kill themselves. & all the indie girls wet themselves.

16. Sometimes when I see boys talk shit about girls I think that they secretly want to fuck them, but will never get a chance.

17. They need to stop playing Ben Harper in cafe's. Its doing my head in.

18. Models are equivalent in relevance to the world as a whole and the way they help society to the piece of paper they are printed on. Im sick of em. & no its not because I am a donkey and I wish I could be one- it is because it is yet another career path that pays ridiculous money for sweet fuck all! Yet the fucking teacher, educating your shitty offspring about their ABCs and 123 gets paid nada for doing a bajillion times the work etc etc you know the drill.

19. BASEketball is one of the best movies ever.

20. Yes I am reading Snooki's book Crown Street, dont give me those looks when you spot the neon pink cover. How uncouth walking down the street, how can she show her face! oh ho ho ho! snooki! who does she think she is?
GO FUCK YASELVES *SPITS*

21. I finally had a dumpling.

22. Irony is becoming ironic. what the fuck...

23. You dont need to be a fuckwit to get across to a girl that you are not interested in her. Be polite and explain to her your circumstance, she will still spread around that you are a dick but probably wont throw a drink on you.

24. I cant believe that just now everyone has realised that Qantas is fucked.

25. Dont worry about things until they have happened, only then you are fucked.

STARFUCKERS.

I just want to take you back to simpler time.
A time when you didnt put your make up on til midnight.
A time when you could walk into a smoke filled red room and not be judged.
A time called STARFUCKERS.

Now back in the day (2008-2009) my friends and I used to congregate every Saturday (and for a period in time- Friday) at a little underground hole in the wall called Club 77.

We would light up cigarettes and sniff amyl on the dancefloor until the sun came up over the Westfields sign.
We thought we made friends there, and I legitimately did make friends there who I still talk to now, but most were vapid soulless creatures of the night.
Not to say I wasnt one of them, I was and I miss the empty space I had become.

We used to wait all week for Saturdays.
That was the night of the ravers, when the glitter pasties and gold eyelids would come out to play.
We flocked like vampires standing outside 78 debating with the security guards that we WERE waiting for our friends.
We all had dark smoked out eyeliner circling our inflamed and bursting pupils that would eventually run from the vigorous dancing that was forced from our bodies.


We spoke in another language and yet everyone understood what we were saying in the heavily graffitied walls of the back room.
Where we would stare at each other in acceptance of the fact that we were "just heaps surprised to be alive".

I had some of the most amazing nights of my life on William Street, with the rich beats from the likes of Mr. Disorder, Hookie, Trentertainment, Stu York, Andy & Yams. This is how far I am reaching back now.

I used to create my own theme in my head, one night it was A Clockwork Orange, the next would be provided by the creators of Starfuckers night like Navy Rave, Grave Rave or my personal favourite (and the one to fall on my 20th birthday in which I saw God) Terrorism Rave.

We kept our Thick As Thieves cd's close to our chest.
And for some reason believed that in some way, that club was a little bit ours as well.

It was the go to.
It was the one thing we all can reflect back on and bask in the pure decadence and overwhelming revelry that we were consumed by.
We were birthed as we walked out into the cold night air past Wayne the security guard, and that was how we felt as we stepped outside.
New, and unsure of what the outside world was going to hold for us.

I may be romanticising a time in quite a few people's lives because it is over for some of us.
But I will never say that I never loved that place. I am still in love with that place.
When everyone else had let me down, it was always there.
Holding my jacket behind the bar,
giving me advice in the porn laden toilets,
spotting me a light in the burgundy back room,
making me laugh at the graffiti,
supplying me with exercise and nutrition from the bar to the dancefloor.
I made a friend who was a mermaid (Beth)
I contemplated getting their telltale upside down triangle tattooed somewhere on my person.
I kicked on with the best of them.
I screamed and kicked when the lights came on.
I rediscovered Miley Cyrus in a way I had never thought I could before.
I pushed the boundaries of who I thought I was and how I thought I dressed, because I felt like I could be anyone or anything there.
I saw bands that are now famous there.

& I know this might not be the right thing to say,
or some of you may not agree with me,
or might think I am an absolute weirdo for even posting this,

But I think acknowledging a time in our lives where things happened and people changed, and people became friends is paramount.
Because I know I am not the only one who says, when a certain song comes on the car stereo,
"THIS REMINDS ME OF 77."


saynotoflump.

WHATS IN, WHATS OUT.

SONG TO PLAY IN THE OFFICE:


DOPE: Creep- TLC        NOT: Somebody That I Used To Know- Gotye feat. Kimbra


SUPERMARKET:


DOPE: Aldi                   NOT: Coles

THING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT:


DOPE: What festival you can not afford to attend.    NOT: The weather

PARTY THEME:


DOPE: Halloween             NOT: Mexico

UNIVERSITY DEGREE:


DOPE: Teaching              NOT: Communications

SUBURB TO LIVE IN SYDNEY:


DOPE: Darlinghurst (or Razorhurst)             NOT: Bondi

TRAUMATIC EVENT:


DOPE: Being yelled at by a junkie       NOT: Being yelled at by a taxi driver


VENUE ON THE CENTRAL COAST:


DOPE: Sirens                               NOT: The Beery

THING TO DO WHILE AT SAID VENUE:


DOPE: Yell at people.                     NOT: Beat up on people

HAIR DO FOR THE LADS:


DOPE: Whispy and long, think the late 70s.      NOT: Shaved with long fringe

RECREATIONAL ILLICIT:


DOPE: MDMA                           NOT: Pingaz

ALCOHOLIC DRINK:


DOPE: Rekorderlig             NOT: Longnecks

SUMMER PASTTIME:


DOPE: Saturday picnic             NOT: Sunday session

SHADY THING TO DO:


DOPE: Pretend you dont have a boyfriend/girlfriend     NOT: Pretending you have a holiday house in Avoca.

FIGHTING STYLE:


DOPE: Passive aggression                     NOT: Assertion

RELATIONSHIP STYLE:


DOPE: Break up with your partner           NOT: Shack up with a partner

GANG AFFILIATION:


DOPE: West Coast                            NOT: East Coast

LOTHARIO FROM THE ISLANDS:


DOPE: Shaggy                                NOT: Sean Paul

PREGGERS WOMAN:


DOPE: Beyonce                           NOT: Octomom.


BEACH TO BAKE AT:


DOPE: Wamberal                        NOT: Avoca

MOTHER NATURE:


DOPE: Sunny throughout the week, raining on the weekend.   NOT: Blue skies always.

STATE:


DOPE: QLD                                 NOT: ACT

SCIENTOLOGIST:


DOPE: John Travolta                    NOT: Kate Cebrano

ERA TO DRAW CLOTHING INSPIRATION FROM:


DOPE:  90s                                NOT: 70s

LUNCHTIME SALAD:


DOPE: Quinoa                                 NOT: Pasta

MAGAZINE:


DOPE: Acclaim                            NOT: Cosmopolitan

SECURITY REQUEST:


DOPE: No tie dye shirts, ripped jeans or fun.        NOT: Good shoes


WAY TO READ A BLOG:


DOPE: Take everything literally and get personally offended     NOT:  Relax and take it 


with just a hint of sarcasm.