LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS.

I was on Twitter the other day and I came across another tumblr that professes their love for the male species.

it is BOY HOWDY 

It made me re think my previous judgements about men and made me realise that every single boy is precious in his own little way. Every man has something attractive about them. I wonder what they call the opposite of a womaniser? a maniniser?

If that is the correct term, I believe I am a maniniser and so are many of my friends.

And now...

a compilation of some of the men from boy howdy and from my own little vault.

JFK Jr. 

Vince Neil.

Dylan & Brandon.

Bill & Ted

John Corbett

Devendra Banhart (playing at this year's Splendour in the Grass)

Public Enemy.

Jamie Bell

Ryan Gosling 

Sammy Davis Jr.

Jason Schwartzman.

Robert Downey Jr & David Spader in Less than Zero.

Vince & Howard.

OLDER & WISER PART 5.

1. Sometimes I believe that I am a reincarnation of a 1960s renegade who overdosed and had strong feminist beliefs. She died for her cause in some sort of peyote haze. But it would explain the red hot lava that flows through my veins whenever I see some sort of oppression being handed out to any minority. FUCK the term 'minority', no human will ever be as small as the minds that perpetuate ignorance and hate.

2. I think that boys should stop checking out girls ass and tits, and start checking out their lips and thighs.

3. If you don't have human contact for a whole day, it doesn't mean you are lonely- it means you are an artist.

4. You are the only person who can be truly happy for yourself. Dont expect ANYTHING off others. For then, you are only letting down yourself by wanting too much. It is better to be pleasantly surprised, than disappointed.

5. Sometimes it is easier to give up on people. I have.

6. It still makes me laugh how american movies/TV shows employ 28 somethings to play 16-17 year olds. 

7. Does winter make everyone sad? Is it the cool breeze that turns sunshine into a dim alley? or is it the cold realisation that going out and throwing up on your heels isnt that cute anymore?

8. I think I know that in order to be happy, you must do what you want. In order to make others happy, you must do what they want.

9. I will die with a spoonful of peanut butter in my mouth and a chilled glass of orange juice by my side.

10. I saw a homeless man on the side of Moore Park Rd the other day, and for a second I thought he was a hipster dude with a longie just kickin it. Something has gone terribly wrong here....

11. I see women who believe wholeheartedly that what they wear is who they are. I understand how it can contribute to your image/identity. But wearing the freshest off the RAFW runway is slowly ruining you. You dont want to wake up one day, shaving the neck of your financial advising husband in Mosman and wonder who it really is you are. So you sit, and you pour yourself a 9am glass of Chardonnay and you flip through the latest Vogue, simmering on just who you are and what you really think. But alas, you gave that right up years ago, so you tutt, put your hair in a top knot and sign the rest of your life away in a Double Bay induced coma filled with fuschia roses, lilac green tea, white walls and a superficial notion of existence.

12. Do not take yourself so seriously! It makes you more of a joke than you realise!

13. Who misses the OC? ME!

14. Today my cousin came to my Nanny's birthday party with ear phones in. When the said earphones were pulled out and asked what was playing in them. He said, "Nicki Minaj! god!" First of all, Generation Y shits me to fucking tears. ROFL LMAO NSFW WTF FML. Secondly, since when has technology become as much of an appendage as a penis? And I wonder if by too much use of this technology will make other appendages flaccid and useless? I wonder if someday, we will see the likes of "DickBook", a site that allows penis' to "poke" and "like" each other. 

15. I lose sleep at night worrying about whether or not Dr. Dre's album will be any good. "I need a doctor" did not make me sleep any better.

16. You dont need anyone to make you happy, and no one ever will. Only you will allow yourself to be happy, and if someone is there whilst it's happening, well thats just lovely.

17. Stop talking shit and do something.

18. Fair enough about putting yourself number 1, but sometimes people get sick of being number 2, so they will 69 with another 1.

19. everybody knows Im a motherfucking monster.

20. Laziness breeds depression, and depression breeds laziness.

21. I had a dream about my teeth falling out last night, and apparently it means that I am a failure. I swore at a website. 

22. I despise hashtags, especially when they are done with the tone of, "Just sayin'" with some sort of smug facial expression and shoulder shrug. #ilovemakingwittyhashtagswhichiknowwillimpressmyfriends.

23. I get told that my blog posts have a common emotional thread, that being, ANGER. Its always said with a mocking "oooh im scared" undertone. Oh well, Id rather sound like Kate Nash than Kate Middleton.

24. Where is Kiefer Sutherland?

25. Have a lovely week, watch masterchef and every time one of those smug fucks says an "e" sounding word with an "a" sound. Think of me sitting in my spotted leggings shouting to the TV, "ITS ELEGANT, NOT ALEGANT. FUCKING ELLIE, NOT ALLIE YOU CUNTS. IF ONE MORE OF THESE FUCKING SLUTS SAYS SALTZER INSTEAD OF SELTZER IM GOING TO FUCK GEORGE FOR THEM!"

seriously, there has never been a cast to shit me more than this season.

P.s. I would like to dedicate this post to Samira Ali, for getting me off my ass and back into the swing of things.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

Have you got that friend in your group who you just can't escape men coming up to YOU in a bid to win HER affection?

I do.
& so do my friends.

Why do boys do this to the friend of the desired girl?
What do they think will become of telling the friend of the girl that they think she is hot?
Do you think we are going to run back to her after you just finished slurring that in my ear with your breath smelling like a pork kebab at 3am and tell her she is in with a shot?

The delusion astounds me!

I have been asked by friends of friends, old men, people I met on schoolies (after schoolies had finished for 2 years and yet I never actually met them on the cruise), retail assistants, baristas, bartenders, friends of my brother, just pretty much fucking everyone with a penis.

It has become an epidemic. It has become an effect, a virus, a plague across the nation!

Once a guy I had just met that night saw this babe friend of mine and said to me,
"Can you get me her for christmas?"
I threw up in my mouth.

I get late night text messages about my hot friend,
asking whether or not they would have a chance.

What makes you think I am pleased to get these?
Do you think my face lights up when I see the fateful words on the screen?

Do you think I sit up and log another fucking dude wanting to see my friend's velvet underground?
Do i look like a pimp?
Am I standing there in purple faux fur and a long pinky nail for my cocaine and a gold tooth with a sparkly glove on my pimp hand?

Does she have a red lace snap crotch teddy on, that you just immediately imagine her with your junk in and around her mouth?

She is a human being, not a fucking fleshlight.
Get to know the girl before you sign your life and apparently your balls away to sneaky texts to her friends and silly little whispers like the Ying Yang twins in her friends ear that upon reflection make her friend shudder in pure sleazy trauma flashbacks.

Maybe one of you dorks can enlighten me as to why some blokes do this?

PLEASE, ENLIGHTEN ME.

And I will enlighten you right back:

IT DOESNT WORK, WILL NEVER WORK.

Ok.
So everyone now understands that if you see a pretty girl, the last person you go to get "in" with her is her friend.
Because 9.9 times out of 10 she will go back to the pretty girl and tell her what a complete knob jockey you are.

Just like the meaning of life, is another question that will never fully be answered:

Who's your friend?

IN A BIT OF A BINGLE.

There are just some things I will never understand.

For one:

I will never understand the admiring another human being for looks, money, fame or how many instagrams they post daily.

I dont care how many people think they are cool.

I just cant find an idol in these types of people.

We are talking D grade Australian celebrities with nothing more than a cheap reality dancing show under their belts and a cool haircut.

I have strong belief that Lara Bingle is actually a puppet.

Like an actual muppet, designed in Mark Holden's lair of young talented Australians.

She is on Dancing with the Stars Australia.

Heavy.

At least she has Mark Occalupo (or however you spell it- Im sure he doesnt even remember anymore) as an understudy.

I have a deep seated disdain for those people who have become famous for nothing other than the hair on their head and a pout that is protruding below some fierce cheekbones.

The TV hosts who know nothing and remain that way.

They dont realise they have a tiny little timer on their heads, and when that bell tolls- holy shit.

There will be nothing left of them, just another Kerry Anne wannabe slumming it outside Channel 9 studios.

Sorry, but Jamie Packer wont even want a head job off ya by the time that rolls around.

It's irritating and annoying to see these celebrities such as your Brian Mcfadden who needed a three person entourage at a Mark Ronson concert at the Enmore because Im sure all the adoring fans will shit themselves.

Put it this way:

IM PRETTY SURE IF THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC IS AT A MARK RONSON CONCERT, THEY WONT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU ARE THERE MR. MCFADDEN. RELAX.

You will still get invited to the Arias and the Logies and rock up in your Alex Perry gowns and your half faux american accents (because you just spent a week snorting coke at Sophie Monk's backpacker hostel share room in LA).

You are not doing Australians any favours with your vapid attitudes and "hot bodies" that got you into this position in the first place.

Just remember that.

I would like to see some substance within the Australian media, as I am as sick of this waste of space known as 'TV hosts' and 'Tourism Ambassadors' as the Darlinghurst Police are sick of seeing Todd Mckenney naked in a park with a bag of fish in his fist.

I just have one question:

decent role models, interesting people and real artistic flair:

"WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?"

BOYZ II MEN.

-men are babes.
 -men are strong.
 -men are courageous.
 -men are sensitive.
 -men talk the truth.
 -men keep secrets.
 -men have long hair
 -men have short hair.
 -men grow facial hair.
 -men grow chest hair.
 -men get tattoos.
 -men get tattoos removed if they are their ex girlfriend's name.
 -men love their family.
 -men love their friends.
 -men hold your hand.
 -men give you their jacket.
- men take photographs.
- men brood.
- men smile.
 -men hang out with your friends when he has no other men around, and he enjoys it.
 -men write songs.
 -men play instruments.
 -men are humble and modest about it.
- men appreciate and/or enjoy hip hop but do not think that they are actually a rap artist (unless they actually are).
 -men know how to please a woman (or another man).
 -men are amazing.
 -men are amazed at women.
 -men don't know when they are being sexy.
 -men aren't sleazy.
 -men don't react violently or aggressively when things aren't going their way.
 -men say yes.
 -men know how to say no.
 -men will let you know where you stand.
 -men wear suits.
 -men wear jackets.
 -men wear denim.
 -men wear necklaces.
 -men know when not to speak.
 -men know what to say.
 -men don't make sexist comments or use the term "sweetheart" in the wrong context.
 -men change your life.
 -men put their arms around you.
 -men let you put your arms around them.
 -men don't shut down.
 -men observe.
 -men are being observed.
 -men dance.
- men stand up for what is right.
- men make sacrifices.
- men bring you spontaneous pastries.
- men think outside of what is known as "romantic".
- men overpower you when it is necessary.
- men slick back their hair.
- men are patient.
- men are kind.
- men are confident.
- men are sexy.
- men have an innocent look in their eyes.
- men smell good.
- men don't ignore.
- men travel the world.
- men are ambitious.
- men are equal.
- men are beautiful.
- men don't use internet language (on the internet or in real life).
- men never say LOL.
- men write things down.
- men aim high.
- men don't discredit women based on looks.
- men only walk around shirtless at the beach or at home.
- men don't talk shit about women that is peppered with insecure undertones.
- men don't hide their feelings.
- men inspire.
- men are admired.
- men are original.
- men wear dark sunglasses.
- men admire the female form.
- men do not cum on your face/tits.
- men cut your hair.
- men do not lead you on.
- men do not start fights, but they will finish them.
- men know how to start a conversation.
- men hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
- men are ginger.
- men wear rings.
- men are not insecure about their sexuality or anyone else's.
- men are blonde.
- men are dark.
- men listen to the music they believe in.
- men do not pout.
- men do not pose for photographs whilst pouting.
- men cook things on the barbeque.
- men appreciate other cultures.
- men make mistakes.
- men admit when they are wrong.
- men can hold their liquor.
- men do what they want.
- men are just lovely.


AMEN!

AN OPEN LETTER TO...

I never knew how I would be able to say the things I have always wanted to say to you out loud.
They seem so much more poetic in my head, whenever I think of you and what you did.
Maybe I am being romantic and whimsical about such a bleak existence I was living at the time.
Maybe it helps to deal with it better that way.
But I will never forget you, or what you did.

I think I should start from the beginning.

I was trapped in my own body, no knowing who I would become or what the next day would bring.
You showed me myself.
You made me believe I was more than what I was allowing myself to be.
You were the first.
You were the last.
You still make me nervous and I do not know why.
Or maybe I do.

The world became a galaxy with you and I will never forget what that felt like.
I am fearful that was the only fleeting moment in my life.

You changed me forever.


Before you, I was easily influenced and could be molded into any form.
I was a chameleon without any colour.

I was a blank page that you scribbled on then left.
But I am not bitter.
I could never be even if I tried.

The etchings you left on me, stay with me.

I doubt you will ever read this or fully understand the profound place you had in my life.
Because I was foolish and young.

But I am older now, and I see things more clearly than I ever have before.

All I really want to say is thank you.

You saved my life.

OLDER & WISER PART 4.

NICKED THIS PHOTO FROM: GETLOSTINTHE.TUMBLR.COM

1. Men look so amazing with a nice tailored haircut. 

2. Men with gaps in their teeth make me melt.

3. Men who open the door for you and buy you flowers are a wilting breed.

4. you should be able to wear this jacket out in Terrigal and not have the threat of getting bashed. I was going to wear it out there a few weekends ago but my brother advised me against it stating, "Jess, if you wear that out tonight I will have serious concerns for your safety."

5. The F3 should crash and burn much like the truck that did on Monday afternoon and caused me to wait in heavy traffic for some time.

6. When you are actually smart but feel the need to make stupid comments, i feel sorry for you.

7. When it is summer, you wish for winter. When it is winter, you wish for summer.

8. Last night when I couldnt get to sleep I realised how jaded I was when I couldnt picture a field with sheep jumping across it, and could only imagine the new Ricky Gervais podcast that I am planning on listening to today.

9. I have a profound respect for anyone who is checking into ARQ at 9am in the morning.

10. On the Central Coast, sunday drivers are milling about at all hours of the day throughout the week.

11. If your friend/family member/ dog seems sad, you should ask them what is wrong.

12. I still believe that God is a black cat, after taking mushrooms in Thailand.

13. Some jokes never get old.

14. How to make it in the corporate world: KISS SOME ASS.

15. Tickets to Splendour in the Grass are $75 more than last year. FACT.

16. If you do not already know who Karl Pilkington is, then you need to look him up right this minute and listen to anything he has to say. Absolute comedy genius.

17. People froth on a bargain. I went for a casual stroll into Borders at Tuggerah who were having their closing down sale, and all that was left were a couple of sheets of paper and a toothpick. It looked like some paper fiending dinosaur had shredded through there and left nothing but a few scraps and something to clean his teeth with.

18. The Hangover 2 is like the difficult second album. For example, Stacie Orrico. Where is she now? She had so much to look forward to. Probably not chasing every temporary high.

19. READ: 'Everyone loves you when you're dead' by Neil Strauss. Or make that, anything by Neil Strauss. He had a beer with Bruce Springsteen, made Julian Casablancas apologise for being too drunk, made Lady Gaga cry, flew in a helicopter with Madonna and drove Snoop Dogg around while Suge Knight was famously trying to kill him dead. And Im only up to chapter two.

20. Do not go into Priceline at Tuggerah and talk to the girls working there. I got stuck there for 20 minutes listening to some chick talk about how her room mates at Armidale Uni all wear red lipstick but with different outfits and how it looks so totally shit. What the fuck is happening to our youth.

21. Social media sickens me, but I cant live without it. It is seriously the cheap cocaine (also known as crack) that is running through so many people veins as they are out actually socialising one on one with people but then feel the need to stop mid conversation and check their Facebook. At least I can say that is not me (But only because I dont have the internet on my phone)

22. I feel sorry for the makers of MySpace.

23. Who wants to come with me for National Slut walk? Its in Newtown in June and it will be epic.

24. Masterchef has gotten ridiculously dad jokey. There must be a pun writer somewhere backstage sweating over how many puns he can make up to do with cooking rabbit. Yes, last week I did actually hear one of the smug fucking judges yell out, "Thats all folks!" Jesus christ....

25. I hope everyone out there has a crush.

P.S. 25.5. The thing that irritates me and scares me the most at the same time are those birds (usually pigeons or sea gulls) that are having a tiff in the middle of the road and you drive towards them and sorta break and accelerate little by little but you cant see where they are and I always expect to hear some sort of popping noise and an explosion of feathers and then all the birds who were angry at that bird for eating a chip or something, turns on me and it gets all Alfred Hitchcock up in this bitch.