BITCH FIT.

I was once at the beery in Terrigal and saw a girl pick up a steel chair and fling it at another girl.

I ducked out of pure reflex and then as usual gathered around to see what events would surely take place.

I was just thinking about that incident and wondering why girls are so willing to throw punches these days.

Whether its over some lad looking guy who is standing by waiting to see which one beats out the other like a cock fight, making sure the one who ends up with a chunk of extensions in their hand gets a well earned gobbie at the end of the night.

Or whether it is over a spilled drink by "accident" or maybe a derogatory slur in the middle of a bar line.

Us girls shouldnt be getting into fisticuffs over these matters. It makes me wonder if the term "lady" has been buried for a long time now.

But then again, shouldnt we stand up for what we deem is right, albeit in some dirty bar brawl where your bodycon ends up over your head for your new target undies to make a splash for all the punters within view.

I have an adverse respect for anyone, male or female, who doesnt succumb to the pressures of a fight. I find a fight pointless, believing you can sort out your problems with words or at the very least, with a few hollow threats.

We as women, find it hard to define femininity anymore. At least I do anyway.

Being tough has become an admirable quality for chicks, and weakness being defined as being quiet or taking the high road in some cases.

It just seems very low brow and 'Mean Fiddler' of us girls to throw down when we are challenged by other girls who feel the need to punch on.

I have a friend, who will remain nameless (but will probably be recognisable to the people who know her well) that when she has had a few MAY rattle off some insults kind of quietly but kind of not for her own entertainment and usually for ours as well. She did it a little too loudly a while back in the middle of Terrigal and some girl came up and palmed her in the face.

"That is so aggressive" was my first thought, followed by "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Maybe the spectacle of two girls talking tough is funny, and not taken as seriously as a couple of blokes exchanging the same words. Maybe because growing up in this area, a biff is as common as a group of dressed up chicks at N Thai Sing skulling bottles of vino.

And therefore, the biff in Terrigal has just become second nature, and something to expect when travelling out there for a casual binge drink.

Yet, I still find myself sighing and rolling my eyes when I see a pair of etnies flying past my eyeline.

The art of the brawl is just so common amongst males that when chicks get rough, it is almost taboo and just something you can not avert your gaze from. Or maybe, boys watch it and egg the girls on in the vain hope a tit will come flying out of their sequin camisole top and they can cross that off their bucket list.

Or maybe it has something to do with all the girl on girl mud wrestling that has become a national sport (and international) producing a gaggle of guys all aching to see a few rigs rolling around in wet dirt.

Sometimes I just think we have moved backwards for feminism. It is so hard to determine whether it is empowering for women to finally express their hatred for other females, or if it just classless and in poor taste in terms of being a "lady".

And it is so hard to determine what is feminine. Is it feminine to show off your shit and sleep with as many men as humanly possible?
Is it feminine to not give a fuck what people think and just be who you are anyway?
Is it feminine to channel the retro goddesses of the past and adhere to the whole Stepford mentality?
Is it feminine to just be a girly girl and pretend you love manicures and extensions and fake tan and the whole deal, when you dont really? (me.)

But then again (without trying to sound too confused) I do enjoy the blending of sexes that the 21st century has brought upon us.
The men who look like women (Andrej Pejic- google him)
The women who look like men.
The people who look like neither.

But you will always find your critic, who wants the world to stay the same. For men to put up their dukes in the heat of battle, and the women to be screaming mascara dripped messes standing on the sidelines screaming,
"Shaneeee!!!!! He didnt call me a slut!.....It was the other guy over there! KICK HIS ASS SHANE!"

I laugh in your general direction.

So there it is, my extremely confused view on chick fights. I do not believe they are right.
And especially considering the majority of them are over some deadshit male who they dont really like, they just have some sort of lioness "dont piss where I have pissed" mentality that they feel is worth fighting for.

Its a jungle out there.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE BABES.

Elise

pie & Jess.

Marie & Ellen.

Jess & Madeline.

Jess & Bridie.

Bridie & Meg

Ellen.

Jaye.

Elisha.

Meg & Jess.

Marie.

Everyone has friends that bring something special into the mix.

Whether that be the sense of humour, or the weed connection.

Everyone contributes and everyone is special.

I love my friends so much.

And I know everyone hears that all the time and it does get old, but fuck you for caring about how many times I say I love my friends.

You are obviously not one of them.

I happen to have a set of amigos that are undeniably babes.

You can not look at the aforementioned photographs and disagree.

Unless you are stupid or have a serious penchant for fake tits, no brains and pelvis' that resembles a hallway.

I love them and I do believe they love me back.

However, when you are surrounded by a flock of beautiful hummingbirds at every moment you tend to notice the male backlash.

For instance, I get asked a million times a minute if one of them is single, or interested in the poor sap with no testicles asking her friend if he has a shot.

Put it this way, if you are asking me, you do not have a shot in hell with this beautiful woman.

Go home and get on Ebay to find some deals on the Fleshlight.

I was once watching The Prodigy (please open Itunes and put on a Prodigy song if you have one on there to really set the scene of how ludacris (ha) this was) when a boy who I saw frequently on the cruise at Schoolies grabbed my arm mid dance and shouted-stuttered into my ear

"Is....is.... ya friend....ya friend there....single? Is she single?"

I turned around and naturally screamed fuck off in his face.

I am not complaining about the constant berating I get from lads trying to get five minutes in these lovely girls dacks, but it makes me resent the fact that these bastards do not even take a minute to get to know these amazing girls, but rather judge them on how lovely they are and then proceed to ask their friend to get some action.

These girls are not for your childish needs that night.

Dont touch them if you are fucking around.

I will kill you.

Do you understand me?

I know some of the girls above have love in their lives with boys who deserve them and some do not yet.

The time will come, and when it does....Ill be damned if its from some dude with a stiffy in a festival crowd asking ME for their number.

These flowers that are in my life will never be trampled upon.

These sunny days that are in my life wont ever feel the clouds coming over them.

I love you .

20/20 VISION.

THE LAND OF THE FREE & THE HOME OF THE BRAVE.

CONGRATULATIONS AMERICA.

No, congratulations to the world, hey.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

A soldier shot him in a sting attack and he is as dead as doornails.

I turned on Fox News (I know- such a reliable source) and viewed the celebrations outside the White House.

People were "woo-ing" and drinking our of red cups and i thought,

"by golly, how american."

I dont know how I feel about this.

I can only think of one word to describe the vibe:

MORBID.

I just cant seem to think of it as a relief or a triumph.

But then again I am not downplaying the significance of this event in the western world's history.

It just seems so brutal.

And eye for an eye never really sat that well for me anyway.

I understand that 9/11 was a horrible tragedy where many American and not so American people died for no reason.

Fathers, mothers, sons, daughters were lost that day and I acknowledge the absurd nature of the incident.

I kind of see it as hickish and can practically hear the "yee-ha's" from Texas right here in Australia.

Maybe it is because I am from a country other than the "greatest country on earth" and have the ability to be subjective about the matter.

Maybe I just do not know the loss that people realised that day in September 2001.

I wasnt there, I didnt know anyone who was killed, I have no ties to it at all.

But I do get that it was fucked up and awful and I was shattered at the thought so many people perished at the hands of the terrorists who were involved.

The war then became all about finding Bin Laden and taking him down.

Fast Forward 10 years later.

The people I have spoken to about the death of OBL have all expressed their gratitude to the soldiers who did it, and yet still can not see an end to the war.

Have we been exposed to too much through the media that now even children (because thats what we were when it all went down) have become so cynical about peace, and so jammed full of "knowledge" and fear that the war has just become background noise to the materialistic and jaded world we now call home.

I am slightly ashamed- and I can not tell you why.

I am cringing at the people flying the American flag and hollering in high spirits- and I can not tell you why.

I am thinking about the 10 years and the lives we have lost from this earth (on both "sides" whatever the sides are...) just so one man is dead.

Is that what it was all about?

Killing this man?

Well its done, so now what?

How much longer are people going to die for nothing?

And dont tell me its about freedom,

Because we do not have the freedom to do anything.

Freedom has become a word that is used in such a non chalant context that is holds no meaning anymore.

You cant say anything you want about others,

You cant do anything you want if you dont have the money or the money to get the education you MUST have in order to do what you desire.

You cant be who you want to be without ridicule or a stupid law that denies you from being legally bound to the one you love if they are the same sex as you.

No one is killing the people who keep our mouths shut.

No one is killing the people who increase petrol prices and education costs.

No one is killing the Prime Minister because she says that religion states that gay people just "shouldnt" be married.

Because its not "right"

So tell me- do you feel right with this?

OLDER & WISER PART 3.

1. As Australians, we find any excuse to get drunk. Case in point- the sinking of the HMS Adelaide at Avoca Beach. Not ragging on it or anything, but you have to admit it is kinda true.

2. The Royal Wedding between "Catherine" Middleton and Prince William struck hope in the hearts of those ferocious single women who dream of being a princess. All I have to say is Harry's stalker list must have tripled by the time Pippa set foot out of the car. And I also predict a third season of Australian Princess (one can only hope).

3. You can rarely rely on what people say as being legitimate. People will white lie their way into a black hole (we are all guilty of this) until they are not going to meet with someone because their uncle's cousin's cat's brother's dog died and they are providing the flowers at the funeral.

4. The power bitch is a coveted status that should be celebrated.

5. You are so fucking cool.

6. Girls and boys located in the inner Sydney area are beginning to look like brothers and sisters.

7. PREDICTION: The hipster uniform is about to be blown out of the water by something outrageous and unpredictable (one can only hope)

8. Paris Hilton reeeeealllyyy needs friends.

9. You are never too cool or hip or with it to be friendly and say hello. No one will think less of you if you seem happy to meet others or reply to a question without a sigh and a look around (anywhere but their direct eyeline). I promise, I will still assume you have a tiny dick and are over compensating by being a prick with a hat on and fake glasses.

10. SOMETIMES boys dont think and say exactly what is on their minds, or repeat exactly what someone has said without filtering or thinking about the impact. Saw it when Sam said to his mum that some guy who came to a BBQ he was having at his house, said, "Oi why is Eden outside smoking a ciggie with some old lady?".

11. The waiting is the hardest part.

12. If you hold all of your feelings inside for long enough, they will attack you like an ants nest and you will react physically much the same way. I recently just felt events that occured 3 years ago, and that is fucked up.

13. But everyone is fucked up in their own special way!

14. Guilt, regret, retrospect, anxiety, anger, fear and inane status updates- things i wish to never see again.

SPOILER ALERT.

DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SCREAM 4 OR WOULD LIKE TO SEE SCREAM 4:

So I went and watched Scream 4 last night and i actually felt like one of those people who dress up for Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter or whatever. I was so giddy over the display of gore and horror that was ahead of me.

I order my icee, while feeling lightheaded I walked into Cinema 1 and took my seat right up the back. (So there would be no chance of anything coming at me from behind)

The movie I have to say was very well designed and acknowledged the previous 3 Screams in a satirical yet significant manner.

I sat there with a cocky mentality that I knew all the possible twists and turns (due to being a weird fan of horror), and yet my jaw hit the floor when the killer was finally revealed.

However, the moral of the story made my eyes sparkle with vicious satisfaction. (A moral to a horror? yes.)

Now here we go with a semi-spoiler:

The moral of the story was basically that people get famous for fucked up shit happening to them. They are famous for nothing. The line between infamy and fame has become so blurred due to technology and social media.

The numerous smart ass references to Facebook and Twitter were rife throughout the movie, including blogs.

(The blogger gets killed, which made me feel a little insecure as I walked back to the carpark after the film.)

It is so true.

A great majority of the "famous elite" are famous for absolutely nothing.

And even famous for doing fucked up things or having fucked up things done to them.

Example: Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, Paris Hilton- All "SEX TAPE VICTIMS" (PFFTTTT!!!!)

Poor darlings, poor naive darlings getting their square tits and bleached asses out for their "boyfriend/cameraman" or sucking on some dick in night vision, only to have THE TAPE RELEASED?!?!?!

Who ever knew that would ever happen to them?

On the cusp of being a household name, and then oh no! A sex tape is released and you become a reality TV star and an icon for young girls everywhere.

Fuck you.

I dont even know what is art anymore.

Is art when you can see someone's clit ring as they grind up on some headless guy with Shaggy playing in the background?

Is it creative when you churn spin off after spin off of mind numbing reality television, where if you were actually to be woken up out of your corporate coma you would realise they arent actually speaking about anything, or doing anything.

Is it inspiring when someone looks sooooo HOT all the time, even in their mug shot?

It took Scream 4 to hopefully reach out to the "artistic", "creative" and "inspired" to quit putting more holes in the ozone layers of our brains and find another way to make ridiculous amounts of money and yet go to sleep every night in their 800 count egyptian (yeah where the insane riots are) cotton sheets and sleep well knowing that THEY ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE.

Fuck you, fuck this oppression that is so well disguised, it might as well be Ghostface himself.

You are murdering the ideals of our youth and the future of our world with your superficial fame and your prada bags.

Stabbing and gutting all the work of generations before that opened the mind and the heart.

You make me want to SCREAM.

SHOVE IT UP YOUR GRASS.

What with the recent announcement of Splendour in the Grass' 2011 line up mixed with the current status of Coachella , it makes for a rather critical cocktail.

I dont know who it is who deems it legitimate to comment or compare these two festivals together.

Lets not even get started with Glastonbury.

I am very very happy for you if you can gather the funds and time to participate in the wonders of overseas festival life.

I am not happy when you decide to compare such huge events to ones of the like in Australia.

Australia is not America or Great Britain.

While we are rich in our sincerity and community (especially at events such as Splendour in the Grass), we do not have the capacity to host an event to accommodate an array of spectacular musical acts, what we lack in scale we make up for in heart.

Therefore, comparing a festival such as Splendour in the Grass to Coachella or Glasto may be in some ways complimentary, but then followed by negative snarly undertones.

I realise that Splendour will not get as many big names or indie darlings to their stages, but fuck they are well aware of their capacity.

The capacity being a festival in the winter sun accompanied by whoever wants to play and whoever wants to go with some psychedelic trimmings.

I resent the comparison of line ups

of crowd

of prices.

Why does it have to be a competition?

And why do these types of people believe in dragging the best three days of my year through the mud for their own personal benefits?

And yes I am talking about on their Facebooks, blogs, faces etc.

If you have a problem with Splendour, that is just great but keep it to when you are cuddling up to your pillow boy/girlfriend crying into it,

"WHY OH WHY IS THE LINE UP SO SHIT? WHY OH WHY IS IT $525 FOR A CAMPING AND EVENT TICKET? WHY OH WHY IS IT IN WOODFORDIA AND NOT BYRON AGAIN? SPLENDOUR AND LIFE IS SO SHIT! I AM TOTES NOT GOING & AM MAKING SURE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY 'FRIENDS' ON FACEBOOK KNOWS IT."

shut the fuck up...

By bitching, whining and making these outrageous comparisons (and therefore including yourself in the selected few that get to attend these overseas festivals) could be seen as extremely tacky in a way.

Just like screaming the virtual house down about your new louis vuitton bag or your hermes scarf that came in the post.

We understand you are having the time of your own little life, but please do not feel the need to bring others down into the self obsessed shame spiral that you have made for yourself.

Have some humility and grace about your good fortune,

Speaking of that check me out in Cleo magazine hey it came out today and mentions the blog. Also, please keep reading my blog and did I tell you I got a new pair of Karen Walkers in the post AND that I am going to Splendour in the Grass this year?

OMG my life is just so fucking awesome.