OLDER & WISER PART 3.

1. As Australians, we find any excuse to get drunk. Case in point- the sinking of the HMS Adelaide at Avoca Beach. Not ragging on it or anything, but you have to admit it is kinda true.

2. The Royal Wedding between "Catherine" Middleton and Prince William struck hope in the hearts of those ferocious single women who dream of being a princess. All I have to say is Harry's stalker list must have tripled by the time Pippa set foot out of the car. And I also predict a third season of Australian Princess (one can only hope).

3. You can rarely rely on what people say as being legitimate. People will white lie their way into a black hole (we are all guilty of this) until they are not going to meet with someone because their uncle's cousin's cat's brother's dog died and they are providing the flowers at the funeral.

4. The power bitch is a coveted status that should be celebrated.

5. You are so fucking cool.

6. Girls and boys located in the inner Sydney area are beginning to look like brothers and sisters.

7. PREDICTION: The hipster uniform is about to be blown out of the water by something outrageous and unpredictable (one can only hope)

8. Paris Hilton reeeeealllyyy needs friends.

9. You are never too cool or hip or with it to be friendly and say hello. No one will think less of you if you seem happy to meet others or reply to a question without a sigh and a look around (anywhere but their direct eyeline). I promise, I will still assume you have a tiny dick and are over compensating by being a prick with a hat on and fake glasses.

10. SOMETIMES boys dont think and say exactly what is on their minds, or repeat exactly what someone has said without filtering or thinking about the impact. Saw it when Sam said to his mum that some guy who came to a BBQ he was having at his house, said, "Oi why is Eden outside smoking a ciggie with some old lady?".

11. The waiting is the hardest part.

12. If you hold all of your feelings inside for long enough, they will attack you like an ants nest and you will react physically much the same way. I recently just felt events that occured 3 years ago, and that is fucked up.

13. But everyone is fucked up in their own special way!

14. Guilt, regret, retrospect, anxiety, anger, fear and inane status updates- things i wish to never see again.

SPOILER ALERT.

DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SCREAM 4 OR WOULD LIKE TO SEE SCREAM 4:

So I went and watched Scream 4 last night and i actually felt like one of those people who dress up for Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter or whatever. I was so giddy over the display of gore and horror that was ahead of me.

I order my icee, while feeling lightheaded I walked into Cinema 1 and took my seat right up the back. (So there would be no chance of anything coming at me from behind)

The movie I have to say was very well designed and acknowledged the previous 3 Screams in a satirical yet significant manner.

I sat there with a cocky mentality that I knew all the possible twists and turns (due to being a weird fan of horror), and yet my jaw hit the floor when the killer was finally revealed.

However, the moral of the story made my eyes sparkle with vicious satisfaction. (A moral to a horror? yes.)

Now here we go with a semi-spoiler:

The moral of the story was basically that people get famous for fucked up shit happening to them. They are famous for nothing. The line between infamy and fame has become so blurred due to technology and social media.

The numerous smart ass references to Facebook and Twitter were rife throughout the movie, including blogs.

(The blogger gets killed, which made me feel a little insecure as I walked back to the carpark after the film.)

It is so true.

A great majority of the "famous elite" are famous for absolutely nothing.

And even famous for doing fucked up things or having fucked up things done to them.

Example: Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, Paris Hilton- All "SEX TAPE VICTIMS" (PFFTTTT!!!!)

Poor darlings, poor naive darlings getting their square tits and bleached asses out for their "boyfriend/cameraman" or sucking on some dick in night vision, only to have THE TAPE RELEASED?!?!?!

Who ever knew that would ever happen to them?

On the cusp of being a household name, and then oh no! A sex tape is released and you become a reality TV star and an icon for young girls everywhere.

Fuck you.

I dont even know what is art anymore.

Is art when you can see someone's clit ring as they grind up on some headless guy with Shaggy playing in the background?

Is it creative when you churn spin off after spin off of mind numbing reality television, where if you were actually to be woken up out of your corporate coma you would realise they arent actually speaking about anything, or doing anything.

Is it inspiring when someone looks sooooo HOT all the time, even in their mug shot?

It took Scream 4 to hopefully reach out to the "artistic", "creative" and "inspired" to quit putting more holes in the ozone layers of our brains and find another way to make ridiculous amounts of money and yet go to sleep every night in their 800 count egyptian (yeah where the insane riots are) cotton sheets and sleep well knowing that THEY ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE.

Fuck you, fuck this oppression that is so well disguised, it might as well be Ghostface himself.

You are murdering the ideals of our youth and the future of our world with your superficial fame and your prada bags.

Stabbing and gutting all the work of generations before that opened the mind and the heart.

You make me want to SCREAM.

SHOVE IT UP YOUR GRASS.

What with the recent announcement of Splendour in the Grass' 2011 line up mixed with the current status of Coachella , it makes for a rather critical cocktail.

I dont know who it is who deems it legitimate to comment or compare these two festivals together.

Lets not even get started with Glastonbury.

I am very very happy for you if you can gather the funds and time to participate in the wonders of overseas festival life.

I am not happy when you decide to compare such huge events to ones of the like in Australia.

Australia is not America or Great Britain.

While we are rich in our sincerity and community (especially at events such as Splendour in the Grass), we do not have the capacity to host an event to accommodate an array of spectacular musical acts, what we lack in scale we make up for in heart.

Therefore, comparing a festival such as Splendour in the Grass to Coachella or Glasto may be in some ways complimentary, but then followed by negative snarly undertones.

I realise that Splendour will not get as many big names or indie darlings to their stages, but fuck they are well aware of their capacity.

The capacity being a festival in the winter sun accompanied by whoever wants to play and whoever wants to go with some psychedelic trimmings.

I resent the comparison of line ups

of crowd

of prices.

Why does it have to be a competition?

And why do these types of people believe in dragging the best three days of my year through the mud for their own personal benefits?

And yes I am talking about on their Facebooks, blogs, faces etc.

If you have a problem with Splendour, that is just great but keep it to when you are cuddling up to your pillow boy/girlfriend crying into it,

"WHY OH WHY IS THE LINE UP SO SHIT? WHY OH WHY IS IT $525 FOR A CAMPING AND EVENT TICKET? WHY OH WHY IS IT IN WOODFORDIA AND NOT BYRON AGAIN? SPLENDOUR AND LIFE IS SO SHIT! I AM TOTES NOT GOING & AM MAKING SURE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY 'FRIENDS' ON FACEBOOK KNOWS IT."

shut the fuck up...

By bitching, whining and making these outrageous comparisons (and therefore including yourself in the selected few that get to attend these overseas festivals) could be seen as extremely tacky in a way.

Just like screaming the virtual house down about your new louis vuitton bag or your hermes scarf that came in the post.

We understand you are having the time of your own little life, but please do not feel the need to bring others down into the self obsessed shame spiral that you have made for yourself.

Have some humility and grace about your good fortune,

Speaking of that check me out in Cleo magazine hey it came out today and mentions the blog. Also, please keep reading my blog and did I tell you I got a new pair of Karen Walkers in the post AND that I am going to Splendour in the Grass this year?

OMG my life is just so fucking awesome.

OLDER & WISER PART 2

1. beautiful girls are destructive.

2. Anger is like rocketfuel. It can give you the energy and power to finish your day or it can make you spontaneously combust. Either way, you end up empty or fucked.

3. Resentment stems from anger and is just as, if not more, dangerous.

4. Trucks are the loud drunk bitch of the road. They are huge and loud and scary. I hate them and always will.

5. Sometimes no matter what you do, you just cant seem to have a good day. You should accept this fact and go to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another day.

6. Skins USA is fucked. I havent seen it, but from the difference in culture from the UK to the USA, I would imagine it would be dump.

7. When you are not heard, acknowledged or if you are victimised- it is your own fault.

8. Being brave is so much harder than being a chicken. Thats why there are so many different burgers at KFC now.

9. I think everyone would hate having to explain their jokes to others. It is highly confusing and makes the joke sound like a dental notice to get your routine check up. If you dont get it, ask someone else who didnt make the joke. And if they didnt get it, check your passport.

10. The fact that shows like My Kitchen Rules is on around the same time as The Biggest Loser is very confusing for the fucked up people who watch the box. So you want me to watch some food porn but then flick over in the ad to see portly people crying about their spare tires? I dont get it....maybe its a joke that TV execs are playing on us?

11. The only reason I go to the movies is to have a raspberry icee.

12. People who call icee's, "squishees" watch too much TV.

13. I watch too much TV.

14. One day everyone should live a part of their lives in Queensland.

15. Sometimes it is best not to care about other people and look out for yourself. Because you are the only person who wants to listen to your bullshit and you are the only one who can sort out your bullshit.

16. The line between being a good person and a doormat is very very thin.

17. Ex boyfriends are like undies from a one night stand- you should never see and never think of them again. Because doing so, feels exactly like those undies- shame, regret and rarely satisfying (or clean).

18. The worst feeling is that of 'sour'. If something sours your day or evening. Dont be that guy.

19. Sometimes it is easier to not have to deal with people. But if you dont, then you will never know who you are.

20. When you are sick of the songs on your Ipod, that is a real tragedy.

21. Everyone has a friend who can quote every movie or TV show ever. Im looking at you Kate Gordon.

22. Nothing will cure missing people.

23. Rest in Peace Grumpies 2010- March 2011. We had some good times together you and i. You supported me as I sang to you many hits, you nourished my senses and quenched my thirst with your tomato sauce bottle turned wet pussy shot squirter (fuck that sounds wrong), you rarely checked my ID and you allowed me to line up for hours and talk to many people due to your two bathrooms. You will be forever missed.

24. Proactiv Ads can go down on themselves in the shower and break their necks. FUCK YOURSELF PROACTIV, BUT CLICK THIS SENTENCE.PLEASE.

25. Coppers are cunts.

PRETTY FLY FOR A WHITE GUY.

So I just went for a long walk around the terrigal countryside and while on this stroll, Gravity's Rainbow by the Klaxons came on my iphone and i immediately thought of one person:

JOSH WHITE.

So i then decided as soon as I get home I will write about the roommate who used to call me Madame Fontelroy while I was outside in our hip as fuck backyard in Redfern sunning myself.

The one who can talk about tits and ass and "burger" without any qualms.

The one who told me I could be the waitress in his gentleman's club.

The one who would always join me for a cigarette out on the balcony in the dan single chair even when he was quitting that week.

The one who has an impressive mane of hair now.

The one who I could always rely on to finish the final few lines of a rap song I was singing in the hallway.

The only one I called while at Ice Cube.

Who no matter how hard he was working at being the best he could be, would always come around and say yo girly how are you?

The one who has about 100 paisley collared shirts that I am secretly jealous of and has now made me strategically plan (ala entrapment) to steal them one by one.

The one who made funny signs for my 21st birthday party and always laughed at me when I kicked on.

The one who always congratulated me on being able to sit in the same room with five boys playing Skate.

Thanks for being such a lord joshie, I miss you.

OLDER & WISER PART 1.

1. www.browncardigan.com is one of the most fucked up and yet funny as shit websites i have seen in a long time.

2. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to convince others that they are wrong, you will never succeed. Because quite a few people choose to live in their own little worlds and feel shit scared to step outside of their bubble for even a moment.

3. I am not half of a person. I am not part of someone else, I never will be.

4. Huge ornate engagement rings are fucking tacky.

5. Spam is annoying.

6. When you support others, the support you gave will eventually come back to you- but maybe not from the source.

7. I cant take hearing about Illuminati or 2012 anymore. I swear to god or to the mayans (you know- whoever is cool to believe in THIS WEEK) that I will probably go on a world rampage out of frustration from ignorance and the sheer gullibility of some of the people who surround me. IF WE KNOW ABOUT IT, IT IS NOT LEGITIMATE. WE THINK WE KNOW MORE THAN WE ACTUALLY DO. WE DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT, JUST LIVE FOR TODAY!

8. Nothing that is good for you ever comes easy. And why would you want it to? Hard work makes the weekend that much sweeter.

9. Fame has become a blurred line where talent, humour and artistry has taken a backseat to the people who have become famous (or infamous) for nothing. Kardashians Im talking about you. And your friends. What was once reserved for the creative elite has now become something of a public pool with a dirty condom floating in it.

10. RIP Elizabeth Taylor. In referring to item 9, you were one of the last to circulate in that creative elite. And it disturbed me yesterday when a bunch of wide mouthed, closed eyed fuckwits got you mixed up for Liza Minelli in a shrill and extremely annoying tone in class at University. I mean COME...ON....you have to be at least 18...meaning you were born in 1992- and you are studying communications- which includes media analysing- what the fuck?! WATCH SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE BIGGEST FUCKING LOSER FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE! (or Cabaret as it seemed to be)

11. When you continually talk about how many homosexual men are going to hit on you at an event such as Mardi Gras- it shows girls just how full of yourself you actually are. What you have hidden and disguised as humility and grace for years comes out in a slur of self importance and delusion. But yeah, you are so going to get harassed tonight babe.

12. Splendour in the Grass is actually the New years of mine and my friends year. Our year begins on the 29th of July this year.

13. If you are single, you should fuck around just to get a feel of who you are by way of interacting with people you dont know. And I dont just mean fuck around sexually (although I do recommend it - with protection), but fuck around with people you dont know. See how they react to you and if they dont like you- then FUCK THEM! To Be Continued....

14. Speaking of fucking "them"- never compromise who you are or what you believe in due to someone else's opinion. The comment thats spends 3.5 seconds on their lips and minds- but may stay on yours for weeks isnt worth the rancid spit they used to propel the insult forward.

15. Buy a T shirt from your band's concert and be proud of it.

16. Caffeine after 4pm is fucked.

17. You have to be really drunk/ off your nut to go to the beery nowadays. I dont know what has changed or why- but I went there the other week just a little bit off drunk and ended up leaving wondering why I always have Fatman Scoop in my head for the rest of the night after coming to terms with being ignored by people who are on your Facebook and will look at you directly in the eye, but will not raise their arm in a "hello" motion if their life depended on it.

18. People are not "shy", they are "deadshits".

19. Cooking is a form of therapy, and so is walking. (and it seems you need both to fit into that body con GUUURRRRLLLL)

20. People do not leave you, they just move on with themselves.

DILF FRIDAYS.

ANTONIO BANDERAS.