DRY S-P-E-L-L

If you have had the pleasure/nightmare of being in my presence for the past year you will have been informed of the abhorrent and embarrassing number of months for which I have been abstinent. Apparently this happens to a lot of people. But I feel like thats what people say to you to make you feel as though you aren't some sort of sexual loser who runs around parks with their phones out catching fictional Japanese animals (topical).

I know out there somewhere that there are people like me, chewing their nails and lowering their standards by the second, so I thought I would share some things I've learnt on how to get through a drought reminiscent of the 1994 bushfires which will always play a large part of my childhood because my sassy parents gave me an actual cabbage that Christmas instead of a cabbage patch doll and that stays behind my minds like a 'Nam style flashback.

1. Don't shout out in IKEA that you are "involuntarily celibate" on a Saturday morning only to have all the husbands within earshot white knuckled clutching their yellow pencils and paper measuring tape look at you knowingly. Not only will you feel like a cunt to the kids in the room who don't need your shit, but it will make that $1 hot dog extra hard to fellate after you've made it through the beast of a check out line with the look of shame splayed across your pathetic face.

2. When you go out into social situations make sure to place a rubber band on your wrist to flick each time you want to bring it up. I find that I bring it up too much and yet I can't stop myself. Not only is it a way of laughing through the tears, but its also increasingly uncomfortable for my friends who revel in sweaty morning breath sex while I am sitting here sucking on a Butter Menthol in my undies typing this inane shite.

3. At the very least, try and compile a set list of songs that you can listen to and think of a much grander time when you were fucking absolute losers that you met over Tinder. While doing this, think of the last time you saw some action which involved a man lying face down on your bed completely naked with his finger in his mouth. As your face twists much like all the D-grade actors in The Ring who got fucked up by the little girl with the long hair, perhaps be thankful that a male version of Lena Dunham isn't wrapped up in the sheets you stole from your childhood home last time you were there eating BBQ pineapple.

4. Don't say things like "I would die to give a BJ" after a few wines. It makes everyone feel really weird especially when you say it with a Lord Gladstone burger hanging out of your mouth while simultaneously holding eye contact with a male co-worker. This is a low point. You definitely wouldn't die to do it, but you would probably supervise a day at an abattoir or the like. At the very least you would know where your burgers are coming from.

5. Quit hitting on hospitality workers. I know I reference this a lot, but jesus christ the sheer scale of bartenders who have been eye molested by me in the past year or so is disgraceful. There is just something about someone shaking your cocktail and probably the 45 beers you've had prior to rationalising that you can afford a cocktail which allows this to happen. Don't "throw shapes" at your local barista either. It is the fucking morning. You have no excuse except for watching hours of The X Files the previous night which we all know doesn't help anyone. Bloody Duchovny.

6. Don't contemplate going to Pokemon Go outings just to see if you can get some ass because statistically they would also be in the same boat as you.

7. Don't write to people on Tinder "Wanna fuq?" no matter how much you want to. Also, don't long for a dick so you can send it in a pic. I kind of get it now.

8. You may start having sex dreams about the weirdest people. Some homeless dude you saw get on a bus, your gay best friends, the guys behind Baseketball and South Park (to be fair that is a recurring one and Im not mad about it), a bottle of Aesop hand wash, some criminal you saw on a Louis Theroux documentary, Ed Sheeran, David Miscavige the leader of Scientology, the smoke stacks in Sydney Park that I can see from my bedroom balcony, a bottle of Yellowglen etc.

69. Don't stand in your yard with a milkshake crying.

10. Go to TOWN on yourself. After all, no one will love you the way you love yourself. Throw on some Chet Faker or Alanis Morissette- whatever your flavour might be. Personally, I can see the benefits of a bit of Craig David from time to time and let loose. I mean, what the fuck else are you going to do? Light a candle and enjoy that 3 minutes and 25 seconds like its the last on earth.

Remember that maybe one day:

LEVELS OF SINGLEDOM

As the wise ranga, Ronan Keating once said, "Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it". Well thats all well and good for someone featured on the Notting Hill soundtrack, but for others, namely single folk it takes a rather nasty turn on the uphill slope and sooner than you know, you are careening downward into a gin and tonic fuelled shame spiral accompanied by Netflix binges and ordering $45 worth of Chinese food because Menulog is a dirty thief and you are fat, alone and fucking hungry.

After wafting through the delicate and ugg boot filled fields of a relationship, you become thrust into the stark light of single day and dear god, you do not look pretty. There are definite levels of singledom that we undesirables go through, and I am here to spell them out for you in horrendous glory.

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON

You have broken up with your love and you are feeling bruised, battered and a little bit horny. Grief does that to people, just watch any primetime drama featuring Sigrid Thornton or the like. As a way to ease your pain, you hit the town in nothing but your kitten heels and smile on your stupid fucking face. ANYONE will be yours tonight. You hit Tinder so hard that your little thumb begins to crack the bottom half of your phone and take on whoever and whatever. Even Toby the 35 year old tradesman with reflector wrap around speed dealers and a southern cross tattoo can have a go.

You fuck losers with small dicks who have gel in their hair and they treat you like shit and you STILL want them to call you the next day so they can talk shit about how they got a flaccid promotion and how the chick at work who get her ass pinched by them is a lesbian. The dudes you fuck after your last relationship are fucking putrid and for some reason make the rejection even worse. Probably because they sleep in a king single and they talk shit to you about how amazing they are in bed only that when they go down on you they act like they are yelling the chant of their swimming carnival house. For shame.

FUCK OFF

Usually after this slew of dickheads you are feeling a little bit raw and jaded. Can't blame ya. You contemplate becoming a nun or a priest, you wonder if you can actually become a virgin again, when lets face it girl, your pussy is done. You wonder if Tinder was constructed by the devil, and therefore each time you go on some shat date that the dark underlord reaches into your soul and rips a part out to sprinkle over his fettuccine carbonara like that pre packaged rancid parmesan you get at Coles. You will be spending a shit load of time at Coles.

After many weeks of sighing and furious masturbating to Chet Faker, you finally decide to let another prick tease take you out on a watered down date only to have a measly excuse for a human being wearing a cut off denim vest insult you by calling you "unarousing". You don't know how you got here. You don't know how to get out. You go home, eat a quarter pounder, and don't make anything any better for yourself. If you aren't able to arouse a stiffy out of your male counterpart, then what fucking good are you woman? You might as well be a fucking kitchen house appliance and cook the man some fucking toast with your udder tits and big mouth.

GOLD JACKET, GREEN JACKET- WHO GIVES A SHIT?

You have now reached pinnacle single. You have come into the golden era my friend. You walk triumphantly from the shops holding a 24 pack of toilet paper, winking at the bearded gentlemen who are just trying to eat their labne coated eggs in peace. You no longer give a flying fuck about the title that is "single". Your self esteem grows like a silent STD, festering until you are glowing behind those eternally hungover eyeballs.

Fridays were once spent tying cherry stems at bars with bewildered bartenders silently calling security over, and now they are solely reserved for dancing around in your undies while simultaneously eating warhead spray and getting high off your own supply. Instead of feeling rejected, you feel sympathy for the men you have left behind and start off on your own path of discovering how to make the most perfectly timed popcorn bag as you sit down and reminisce on that time when you used to give a shit. 

NOW GO FORTH AND DRINK BEERS IN THE SHOWER AS NATURE AND GOD INTENDED

Disclaimer: These levels do fluctuate and repeat constantly until the fucking end of time.

NIKITA KARMEN 'OUT OF THE PARK'

If you're looking for a sweet pocket of sunshine to brighten up this otherwise dreary Winter month, then look no further than the new wave of country music coming out of Sydney.

Nikita Karmen has taken Nashville by the neck and just seems to be rising higher and higher in the girl-next-door who will break your heart and write about it stakes. She has recently released her first single 'Out Of The Park' on iTunes, Spotify and the like and it really speaks to those who ready to give up after one too many horrible dates.

Dedicated to her twin sister, the tune is soulful yet sweet. Laden with punchy pop riffs, a warm twang rings out underneath the top notch production and her fun lyrics shine as the star.

She isn't just one to watch, you won't have a choice very soon, when her music takes over the airwaves, but most of all, thaws even the most frosty of hearts.

LISTEN BELOW:

CUT AS.

People always go on about heart break and all that jazz. How you can't get out of bed, and how it hurts to even begin to order your cronut at the local bakery. How you dream about that person over and over again until you buy yourself some dreamcatcher off Ebay and have it flown express from Nimbin straight to your door. But not many people chat about what its like to be just cut. 

You haven't had your heart broken, but you can definitely feel somewhat rattled by catching feelings like a fucking idiot. Being cut doesn't extend to those who had a dalliance with someone either. You could be cut because you got to Medicare a couple of minutes late, or maybe you stubbed your toe, or maybe you're cut because you texted someone at 3am and have never received a response back, or you could be at a cafe and all of your mates ordered something incredible and you got stuck with yoghurt and muesli because you read the health section of the Sunday paper and regretted it immediately. Everyone gets cut, i think at least each week of their lives, and there needs to be a definitive guide in how to deal with feeling like shit but not to the point where you'll care in a couple of days.

1. Start smoking. Hell, theres no better way than to have an existential moment and contemplate your life while listening to 'Regulate' than with a smooth rillo in your hand. You can assess your life while simultaneously ending it at the same time! Two birds, one stone and all that. Start asking strangers for a light as if you're some sort of 1986 video vixen and begin talking about how VHS will eventually make a comeback in an old timey accent until you are asked to the leave the premises by a security guard. Hit on said security guard and then go the fuck home.

2. Start exercising. But do all those stupid niche trendy classes that come and go like thunderstorms in Sydney. Tell anyone who will listen about your dancing in the dark class, or how you spent the last half an hour in gym tights balancing on bollards down The Rocks while some dude who actually looks like a human shit screamed at you to FEEL DA BURN. Or maybe you could start your own class where you gather all of the council pick up rubbish and run over it on a motorised scooter. I heard thats great for the core. Make sure you mention this to all of your friends who are stinging to get away from you as you smell like pilates mats and old hair.

3. Get drunk. Get drunk everywhere and make sure that at least one person sees your undies per evening on the tins. Whether it be a cheeky slip of the jeans while making eye contact with a 78 year old across the local RSL, or if you actually go A over T while trying to create good karma for yourself by picking up the 5 cents that someone dropped in the line for fuel at the local Caltex. You haven't driven to the Caltex as you will be drunk, you've just walked there to get a family sized packet of M and Ms which you can eat naked in your bed in around 15 minutes while spooning your laptop and wanking to old episodes you've downloaded of The Secret Life Of Us.

4. Take a Thai food cooking class because why not just make shit worse for yourself? If you are the self destructive type, then I suggest the following:

- Thai cooking class.

- Download Tinder

- Tell your nan to fuck off.

- Order a Nicoise Salad at the pub on schnitzel night.

- See a dog and don't pat it.

- Corner a stranger at the pub and lecture them on The Doors.

- Drink Sambucca.

- Listen to Jewel.

- Write slam poetry and actually perform it somewhere in Zetland on a Tuesday night in front of actual people.

- Start wearing your swimmers as underwear and tell people about it with a sad look on your face.

- Cook a cheesecake and bring it into work to share with everyone, and then when people give you a piece say "Nah, im watching my figure".

- Cough a bit for a day and then Web MD it.

- Talk to your friends about taking down and putting up your Christmas tree.

- Masturbate to Justin Bieber.

- Watch the new Point Break.

- Write Yelp reviews.

- Buy a packet of scotch fingers and then throw it to pigeons.

5. Once you've come out of the initial shock of stubbing your toe etc, you will realise that you're no longer cut, you're a bit of alright. Once this has set in, you my friend have begun the healing process and its time to rip that band aid off. Hit up a club night that you used to go to when you were 20, demand free entry to the 19 year old door bitch and then once you're in there take a pill like you used to, dance like no one is watching, and then begin the process all over again the following day as you have just cut your own self and you now know that life is just a giant spinning wheel of bullshit of your own making.

CHIX IN SYDNEY

Im known for misinformed judgements, and this will be no different. A little while ago I made some comments about the men who frequent the harbourside city of Sydney and now its the girls turn. What you may not know is that I am indeed a woman who resides in the luxurious city of Sydney and in my travels I have met many a man and woman who fall into certain categories. I do love me some categories, so here goes.

CLEAN CHIX

So you will definitely know at least one of these girls. They drink their kale juices, and buy their Lorna Jane, and run their Bondi to Bronte but what they also do is take pingaz from Friday-Sunday. Their insatiable appetite for house music and railing off of a toilet bowl at The Bucket List will always top their need for overpriced pilates and rating dudes on Tinder according to their radius to Chris Brown aka The Bondi Vet. They usually reside somewhere east, but would go to Frankie's after work on a Friday to keep up with what the kewl people do. Fuck you if you think they are going to order some pizza though. They are gluten and skateboard intolerant and will not speak to you if you don't have the latest Free Runs in your closet. They love fluro but only on their feet, and almost definitely have some sort of skin care idea in their pipeline. #cleaneating is their mantra, however if you need a dealer at 4am, this chick is your girl. Fuck they froth on acai.

NEWTOWN CHIX

The complete opposite of the Clean Chix. They have the beginning stages of emphysema but know the cousin of the dog's uncles bassist of the band who played at the Lansdowne last year. They can direct you to the best prosciutto in the city, while if you fucking think they are going to shuffle their Doc Martens anywhere past Waterloo then you my friend are sorely mistaken. They date absolute fuckwits who they think they can change, but really he just wants a bed spread from Urban Outfitters to cover his skinny legs before he has to get up and bump in the latest mini festival at a bowling club. They refuse to play by the rules, sneaking Beach Burrito into the Enmore for a Courtney Love show (true story) while finding it hard to leave the warm and sweaty embrace of Clem's chicken shop on King Street. Their air of mystery is always lost somewhere into the third hour at The Courthouse as they fall gracefully down the stairs into a full ashtray and think to themselves "I am home".

CBD CHIX

You know the type. They are breaking balls and cracking through that glass ceiling all day while at night will be tripping over their patent nude heels in a pencil skirt while ordering a mojito at Barrio Cellar. They trot through the city in the morning with hope in their hearts and John Mayer through their headphones, while hoping that their ass doesn't get pinched by some yuppie on their way through Wynyard station. They are immune to the beauty of Circular Quay as they have been coerced into attending WAY too many Vivid Festivals that they now have to wear glasses in order to not be colourblind. They know the bouncer at The Glenmore and can get you a free shot at Opera Bar with one flick of their security pass. They wear shimmer tights but don't let the glittery limbs of this chick fool you, she will fucking ruin you if you try and get in her way...at the crossing on George Street. Each morning she should be holding the fucking Olympic torch for she can out run Cathy Freeman with the speediness in her trot and a spirit that can't be broken by the money on her Opal card stalling.

NORTH SHORE CHIX

So this has turned into a bit of a blight on suburbs. Soz. Oh fuck me. They are always embroiled in some sort of Hens night situation. You will find them on Oxford Street complaining about how Shark Bar in Manly was a way better option and thats where they would be if their boyfriend of 12 years would finally propose. Nah, but its coming hey. Im sure of it, we spoke about it in 2009 and he said he was not really into it, but boys are just scared! On the aforementioned street, they will be yelling things such as "EW!" to humble passers by who just happen to be sick in the street. Its not that big of a deal. Their dad knows the police commissioner so don't even think you can upstream her in a cab line. She mourns the closing down of Hugo's everyday by lighting a salted caramel candle and rubbing Aesop products on her bikini line. You think you know her, but you never will. Just look up her fashion blog if you want to get a better idea though.

CHIX WHO CAN HANG

They are always the one at the bar buying the first round of VBs. She is ushering in the group of LADS who are stinging to get to Porkys so they can throw their wads of fives around while trying to think of an excuse to tell their mums the next day as Macca tagged them there when he was in the toilet. Fuck you Macca! She doesn't get along with other girls, she tells fucking everyone this. She knows the latest deals on at Lowes (so do I to be fair) she doesn't give a shit about calling you a cunt in front of your grandmother. She calls all her mates cunts, its a term of endearment, fucking Buzzfeed told me so!  She posts quotes on Instagram because she wants to reveal her true feelings, but hates feminists with a fiery passion as they are just man haters and she loves her bros because they will beat the shit out of anyone who orders a hot dog from the servo before her.

Lets be honest but, if you ever have the pleasure of having a vagina in your face count your fucking lucky stars as all women are beautiful, mystical creatures who will steal your heart and your wallet if you're not careful.

MEN IN SYDNEY

You would not believe the amount of penises I had to sift through on Tumblr to get the photograph above. SO MANY. Impressive looking ones, but still- christ Tumblr. You can literally look up the word "flowers" on it and still be turkey slapped with a huge dong on a Saturday morning. Get your shit together.

So its been about a year and a half that Ive been single in the picturesque city of Sydney and I have come to know very well or very little the calibre of dude that lurks around these parts with their buns in the sky and their heads facing down into their Tinder accounts. I thought I would make some brash assumptions and generalisations about the men that frequent the suburbs of Sydney and place them all here so you my delicate women can be aware of the range of bloke they are dealing with.

THE OBVIOUSLY BEARDED MAN.

He listens to Hip Hop but not in a way that means he will be stalking Drapht and Downside's Instagram account. He only listens to it when he is at Freda's on a Saturday evening sipping a Mojito at the back of the bar and refusing to dance. He is scattered into literally every single area of Sydney- you are never safe from an aggressive amount of facial hair. He mainly reserves his time in the inner west, Redfern and Surry Hills though. Sometimes he wears a tiny beard and an ironic necklace around his neck (an iron or a pineapple or some shit). He almost always is nursing a weak jawline or weak personality. He will talk to you about his beard until you feel like some kind of fucked up Cinderella from chugging so many wines to get through the evening that you run off and leave your Wittner heel somewhere on platform 3 at Redfern Station. He probably plays an instrument...badly. He thinks he can do better than you anyway so you shouldn't put too much stock into this one as he will always have one eyeball on your tits and the other on the chick who looks like she may have a septum piercing whos standing at the bar behind you but he can't tell because the bar is too dark and his whiskey is too strong and it hurts his tummy.

LARRY DAVID

He is misunderstood. He is neurotic in a charming yet irritating way. He is manipulative because he tries to be but its so obvious that its hard to be manipulated by him. He is intelligent. He will almost always send you a dick pic not for sexual reasons but in the genuine interest to see if you think he has a pretty dick. He doesn't. Referencing himself to a character on Curb Your Enthusiasm shows that he watches too much television after softly masturbating himself to sleep after perusing through some interesting Reddit AMA's. He refuses to do things by the book as he feels this makes him more interesting but it doesn't, it makes him difficult and a cushioned anarchist. He likes it when you tell him this as it allows for the inevitable transition of him travelling to Thailand when he is 45 and paying someone to step on his balls for him.

POPPED COLLARS.

You know the type. He is probably still arguing with the bouncer at The Sheaf right now about how he has only had 3 glasses of Veuve champagne down at Rose Bay wharf with some work colleagues before heading into Double Bay. He has three large concerns that take up his entire brain:

1. What the fuck is going on with Australia's dollar right now?

2. Fuck I hope Turnbull isn't going to ruin the incredible work Abbott just put in.

3. Who's getting bags tonight?

If you are after an ill fitting pastel shirt, this is your guy and if you are after someone calling you a peasant slut once you reject them, then you have found your soulmate. They listen to Triple J to keep up with the kids but would actually have an aneurysm if faced with Splendour In The Grass. Who the fuck is going to clean that fucking mud off their Hunter gumboots in time for winter wonderland at Mrs.Sippy? 

DUNE RATS SKATER DUDES.

There are so many of these out and about these days. Usually aged from 18-23, they are long haired Bart Simpson looking characters who will almost always skid just a little too close to you on their skatey as they fang up King Street. They love pingers. They listen to punchy garage rock and feel like they are the new wave Nirvana. You know, taking grunge into 2015 and just fucking chilling with it ay. Those chicks with chokers on have to have someone to fuck yeah? Its like a crazy hybrid of relationship where the guy resembles Eddie Vedder on opium and the chick is a goth Cher from Clueless. Theres no judgement here, I love to see this shit and just feel the "kewl" emanate off them. Sometimes I just bask in it myself and feel infinitely cooler and for that I thank them, because without them Id be some dork running around the streets with a pony tail and glasses and carrying text books even though I don't attend any type of school and clearly don't have the money to buy text books- but almost certainly karate kicked someone waiting at the bus stop outside Sydney University. Those people are always running for buses- fuck university doesn't need to be so dramatic...relax.

2 THOUSAND AND SICK DUDES.

My personal favourites. I identify with them the most as I would consider myself a 2 thousand and sick girl (this type of post about girls will be coming eventually). They are the ones who are most pissed about the lockouts as they tasted the fruit that was Sydney and now that fruit is gone and why. Fucking why. They went to BDO when JUSTICE played running into the Boiler Room screaming "WE ! ARE ! YOUR ! FRIENDS! YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN NOW COME ON!" and they know how to mix a house party. Honestly, if there is anyone you would want at your house party, invite the 2 thousand and sick dude. He almost always has a set of decks that he tends to like the rose bud of a woman. They can identify the opening 3 seconds of any Cut Copy track even if it has just been mixed with Tina Arena. They have seen every Presets tour date that occured from 2007-2010 and probably have some sort of Bag Raiders shirt. You will have 2 outcomes of the 2 thousand and sick- they are either drug fucked or heaps successful. Either way, they rule.

WHERE TO PICK UP CHICKS BY A CHICK

People have become officially lazy.

One common sentence that has been thrown around recently by single girlfriends of mine is, "Men don't pick up girls anymore". With the rising yet empty star Tinder taking over our love, life and loins- the art of picking up has fallen by the wayside. Its an epidemic and its time we took a stand and changed what we now know as our dwindling love lives. This is where I come in. Not to say I am an expert on this, but if I had a penis I am 84% sure that I would have some bombshell lying between my legs and sheets about now.

But alas, a penis I have not. However, I do have some handy tips that will hopefully help the men of Sydney get off their asses and phones, and face their fears head on in the hopes of at least a gobbie.

1. POP UP BARS.

Chicks LOVE this shit. "Oh hey Shirley, did you hear about the latest pop up bar in Hyde Park?", "Yeah I sure did Tiffany, they are selling elderflower and semen flavoured gin martinis in tiny tiny jars down there for only $26 a pop, we should totally go". Well then boys, what are you doing just standing around? Head down to your local pop up, which we know in Sydney, there is always one happening every single day all throughout the year and try your hardest at scoring some tail. Throw on your nicest slacks from Factorie or Bonds or wherever you get your jeans and sit in the corner making prolonged eye contact with the babe of your choice until she is forced to say, "What the fuck are you looking at?"

2. ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

Now in Australia, we are becoming known for our off the cuff directing skills and there being some form of racist fuckwit on board your local train, bus or ferry. Not only will you have the balls (right?) to stand up to someone while simultaneously filming them, but the gals on board will admire your hutzpah. If this fails and everyone on your bus seems to be a respectful and well rounded person (yawn), you will have to go to your local optometrist, cross your fingers that you don't have 20/20 and get yourself some spectacles. Put on said spectacles and read a book. This will win over all of the chicks who follow that NYC based Instagram called 'Hot dudes reading' or some shit and you will soon be reading all of the curves of her supple body. You're welcome. Whatever you do though, make sure your fly is done up all the way before throwing down some moves, or you will just be that weirdo on the 308.

3. WAITING IN LINE AT BLACK STAR PASTRY.

All of us Inner West fuck lords know about Black Star Pastry. Not only does it hold host to one of the best cakes in the universe (Watermelon cake), but there is always at least a 30 metre line spilling out of there at all times on a weekend. Utilise this boys. You look like you give a shit about sweet things, and you look like you have patience, money, and a taste for carrot cake. Chicks love carrot cake. Use this time to softly gaze beyond your knock off Ray Ban clubmasters and stroke your inevitable beard as you genuinely decide between the brownie and walking away to save 25 minutes of your precious life.

4. AT A DOG PARK.

Fuck me. Chicks love dogs. Get yourself some form of Oodle, Bulldog or squished face hound and wait. In fact, if you can find a way to traipse about the city while walking said mutt, all the better. But in a dog park you can not only be the hero if some massive doberman goes a girl's pug, you can also seductively bend down while picking up your dog's business while looking back at your woman of choice and giving the slowest wink you could possibly muster. This will remind her of how she always wanted a man who knows how to stack the dishwasher, and she will go home and put some more cut outs from Woman's Day on her positivity board and think of you while touching herself to Ed Sheeran's latest album.

5. EXERCISING.

This is for people who live East of Moore Park Road. All you people who right now are yogging around Centennial Park while listening to a Spotify Playlist of 'RUNNING TRAX' which mainly consist of poorly mashed up dance songs from the early 2000's. I always hear on Z-List dating shows about how a man wants a woman who can "take care of herself", don't fucking bullshit anyone dude- you want a chick who will "eat a steak with your mates" while going on juice cleanses on the days she doesn't see you so she can uphold that Jessica Rowe body you've been frothing on since you were 13. If this is the kind of girl you're after, head to Bondi to Bronte beach walk and weirdly work out on those things that are dotted along the coastline as you check out the local talent and the INSANE amount of Lorna Jane sports bras that bounce up and down, up and down and the girl in question has a silent monologue running through her head about whether or not quinoa is a super food, or whether The Project has lied to her that week. Fuck you Carrie Bickmore.

Just give up, ay.

SINGLE LIFE

So you've found yourself single. Happens to the best of us. A whole new world of drinking excessively on a weeknight opens up and you find yourself having bought a Playschool VHS on Ebay and hitting up someone you fucked back in 2010 who is probably in a stable, adult, happy relationship filled with homemade marmalade, exercise, and matching cardigans.

I have been musing over the past few hours about what the best and worst parts about being single are. As you know they say the grass is greener on the other side, but the thought of arguing in Woolworths over the flavour of Airwick spray you are going to need for your new shared bathroom with your significant other makes me want to wax my eyelashes off.

BEST:

+ Having the freedom to dance around in your undies to all of the songs that you find sexy. Even though you are almost guaranteed to look like a fucking idiot while doing so, you can get your own self into the mood then swiftly masturbate in around 2-3 minutes.

+ Lying in, on and around your bed with no hairy, snoring, sweating, sexually inconsiderate mess lying beside you. Also, knowing that you have the choice to have a different wooly mammoth beside you each night of the week if you so choose.

+ Flirting.

+ Sex with strangers

+ Casual Sex

+ Shameless sex through glory holes if you so wish.

+ Actually understanding what all of those 90s rappers were talking about. E.G: 'You can give me some head/ But keep the breakfast in bed / I'd rather spend the morning digging through some records instead.'

+ Not having to buy half assed birthday presents.

+ Not having to pretend to enjoy family outings.

+ Having disgusting things to talk about with your mates.

+ Ticking off your BUCKET LIST 

+ Drinking in bars by yourself

+ Making a complete dick of yourself in front of strangers knowing full well you'll never see them again.

+ Cry wanking

+ Watching other people on dates. Especially Tinder dates- you can spot them a mile off. The chick is usually playing with her hair as the guy slowly counts the drinks and the minutes til he can fuck her.

+ Wearing only socks and undies around the house with no make up on while simultaneously eating an enchilada and singing Kate Cebrano

+ Those halve loaves of bread at IGA

+ Seeing how far you can go while texting weirdos

+ Googling all things UFOs, serial killers, ex porn stars, dugongs, baby gorillas etc.

+ Figuring out what would be your spirit animal.

+ Pulling your ham string trying to flirt with bartenders who just want to do their fucking job and don't care that you can tie a knot in your cherry from your Amaretto sour.

+ Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and laughing when the arc in the story comes and the guy disappoints the girl and the sad music plays.

+ Buying sex toys.

+ Driving around the city listening to gangster rap and scream singing it out of the window to unsuspecting couples who are just trying to have an early dinner before settling in to an evening of foot rubs and minimal foreplay.


WORST:

- Tinder

- Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and realising that the chick you most identify with is the brunette room mate/best friend of the main character rig girl who smokes cigarettes and swears and is outwardly promiscuous.

- Men assuming you want a relationship based on the fact that you're a woman and they themselves have watched too many romantic comedies and never noticed the brunette smoking room mate/best friend who swears and is outwardly promiscuous.

- The droughts.

- Being too forward the drunker you get.

- Dinner dates.

- Listening to the rain while lying in bed (but only for the fact that you don't have an umbrella and you would assume that if you had a significant other they would probably carry an umbrella which you could use the next day as you traipse to the markets for a gozleme)

- No one to shout you the extra guacamole.

- Boring small talk.

- No one to remind you to eat your vegetables.

- No one giving a shit who is on your most fuckable list that you would definitely bone if you were in a relationship. But you aren't in a relationship so if you ever do get to meet David Duchovny, you can just fuck him. Guess it's not that bad then.

- Thinking strippers are into you.

- Those halve loaves of bread you can buy at IGA

- Shouting people drinks.

Single life is actually a beautiful diamond period of your life where you don't give a fuck what anyone thinks and you can genuinely do all of the things that the laws of a relationship rule out. So go forth - drink that 16th bloody mary, text that person at 3am, play spin the bottle, be an idiot, fuck around, send weird snap chats and for the love of god don't ever settle.

FUCKET LIST

Everyone should have one. If you don't then I assume you've checked everything off and you're some kind of super stud with at least a child or some form of incurable disease. No judgement or nothing- just judgement you know? I want to present you with a fact:

People love fucking.

I believe it was Einstein who said that, and who's going to argue with that guy? No one...because none of you are mediums and John Edward is a dirty fraud. In fact, so are you. I have spent weeks interviewing a heap of people who I happen to know love having sex and have compiled a handy little list that you can take home with you tonight as you are cry masturbating in the shower as all normal 20 somethings do every Monday evening. Right?

Right.

Anyway, here you will find a comprehensive note of all the dirty little things that I have compiled (after many drunken nights asking people forcefully what they would love to have on their Fucket List usually followed by: What? What's that?) that we as humans love to do so much that we risk everything in order to, including and not limited to our precious dignity.

In the words of Marvin Gaye, let's get it on:

1. Sex under the Harbour Bridge at around 2am on a Wednesday morning. (I've thought about it)

2. A session in which you don't speak before, during, or after

3. Sex with food (take that as you will)

4. Do a line of coke off a buttock.

5. To completely dominate someone (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)

6. Attend a Swinger's Club

7. Have sex on the side of the road during a road trip.

8. Fuck on a plane. (There's motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane)

9. Have sex with a woman as a straight woman completely sober.

10. Join a couple as a third.

11. The....yawn...threesome

12. Have sex again with the person who took your virginity years later.

13. Film yourself

14. To be completely dominated (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)

15. In the back of a truck.

16. Sex with an extremely tall man/woman

17. Sex with someone in a fluffy mascot outfit. (HAAAAAA)

18. In front of other people.

19. In the change rooms of a shop.

20. Going down on someone in a car, while driving.

21. Give a man head in less than 5 minutes.

22. Break a shower.

23. Camping wilderness.

24. Foot sex.

25. Boob sex.

26. Butt sex.

27. Sex with a musician (isn't that everyones?)

28. On top of a washing machine

29. In your/their parents bed.

30. In some form of water (I highly recommend not doing this by the way- it can ruin sex for you for quite some time)

31. On a ski lift (obviously a shralper)

32. Take someone's virginity.

33. At a house party.

34. Experience the throw down.

35. Experience an orgasm (sad but true in many cases- c'mon boys)

36.Beads...

37. On the beach (heard of a prawn cutlet?)

38. With a complete stranger.

39. Fuck a cougar

40. Someone with a beard going down on you.

41. Fucking a D List celebrity

42. At a festival.

43. While high.

44. With a bartender.

45. With a stripper.

46. With a prostitute.

47. A the rooftop of a building.

48. In front of your old high school.

49. On the stoop of someone's house

50. Hate sex.


So far this is all I have compiled from a smattering of my friends and a little bit of my own tucked away in there. Soz if this is a bit too wild for your Monday night, this is what I like to talk about with my significant acquaintances and now you all known (anonymously) how fucked up their heads are and how much they probably haven't been banged out lately.

Single life is a tumultuous rollercoaster of disappointing liaisons and mind blowing experiences, its all about finding what you can get away with and ticking off your list one point at a time.

So, how did you go?

LIFE LESSONS FROM SOMEONE WHO IS SHIT AT LIFE.

Its been a while. Soz. 

After some time neglecting this blog, I have gained some life perspective that I just couldn't not share with you because I just know how you are all desperately wading through life like its a bowl of hommus, but you just can't seem to find your lavosh cracker. Well here I am, your cracker with no clue guiding you blindly into the abyss with shit life advice and an abundance of inappropriate references you may have to google and then be disappointed by.

So strap yourselves in for a fucking stupid ride through some life lessons that I have seemed to learn and hopefully you will come away with this being infinitely dumber and just a little bit sluttier.

1. Stand by your drunk texts.

Who gives a fuuuuuuccckkkk hey. If someone is that dim they can't gauge that you may be 86 shandys deep when you throw them a winky emoji at 2:45am, then that is their loss. Whatever embarrassing thing you may have written, EG: talking about BJs with your close male friend, or expressing your deep lust with a picture of a dugong- at least you were thinking about that person and they should be fucking stoked because majority of the time no one thinks about anyone but themselves.

2. Dont EVER let anyone make you feel like a slut for sexing them on the first date/meeting/eye contact.

Casual sex is one of life's little joys in which you can easily slip in and out (EW) and not have to deal with those pesky emotions that usually occur between whatever sex blows your hair back. Not everyone wants to be married/in a relationship/ taken out for a nice meal. Sometimes people just want to fuck and thats absolutely fine. This doesn't define who they are as a person or what type of undies they wear. For all you know they could be wearing a pair of Looney Tunes boxer shorts underneath that mini skirt, but you will never know if you keep up this archaic view of women be sluts and men be legends. Its old. Boring.

3. Start talking to strangers more.

A sexy girlfriend of mine has complained to me many a time of how dudes just don't seem to be on the hunt anymore. No dudes speak to her and she finds she has to be the one to go out fishing. This is such a weird concept for chicks. Let me explain why- the thing is as single women we have to deal with Tinder being such a lazy fucking option that inevitably the scene becomes lazy. Surprisingly you can't fuck your iPhone. So bitches be shopping for a man, approach said man, man has girlfriend, approach another man, gets looked at like a crazy person/stalker, retreats back into corner and sips vodka lime soda. Maybe this is the way it is, or maybe we as women have become somewhat entitled to feeling desired? Who knows, all i know is fuck all.

4. WebMD will almost always make you think you have AIDS.

5. Eat your Oportos double fillet bondi burger like no one is watching.

6. If you have followed your dreams for 5 fucking years and still no one is paying you for it, keep going.

7. Most dudes with beards are hiding something. Almost always, their weak jawlines.

8. I can't wait for all the late 90s shit to go out of trend and for everyone who was actually present and with it when it first came in to hate themselves all over again for giving in to the tattoo choker necklaces and shit and to slowly pluck their butterfly clips out of their hair one by one and shed a glitter tear for each plastic one.

9. A skinny bitch cocktail is actually a vodka lime soda. I made a dick of myself at a bar in the city recently and I just can't seem to shake the look of disgust in that bartender's eye as I argued with him about what it was when I actually didn't really know. Theres a lesson, just fucking own up to shit you don't know. I had the best burger there and now I can't go back because of my stubborn yet sexy attitude.

10. If you're growing your hair out (like I am) just bite the bullet and watch yourself transform from a whole range of 90s alternative lead singers. I was in the Gavin Rossdale of Bush stage, then in the Brandon Boyd 'Morning View' album stage, now slowly sliding into Dave Navarro when he played with the Chili Peppers. FINGERS CROSSED for the final stage: Eddie Vedder circa 1991.

11. For christ's sakes start watching Broad City and Inside Amy Schumer. If you want to get a deeper insight into how chicks actually are, these two shows will open your eyeballs to all of that and more.

12. Learn to say NO when you really don't want to do something. I mean if you are half assed about it, then maybe say YES because you might actually enjoy it. Like cronuts. But if you really can't be fucked then just say no. Because really the only opinion that truly matters is the one you have about yourself.

13. Stop posting bikini shots.

We get it, you're a rig. Fuck. 

14. Try and do anything to maintain the rig. We are in a digital age people, your Insty can only gauge 10% of your personality. Remember that.

15. If you can, scream sing anything by John Farnham with your friends on Australia Day. It is more of a stress reliever than any form of Xanax or sex. You would be surprised, plus it makes for a great bagpipe solo, which my friends can attest to.

16. Save all of your money and then buy something stupid like a blow up paddle pool, 56 glittery lighters or the rights to someone's virginity online. This is shit you can't get away with when you're in your 30s.

17. Stop reading all of those numbered lists online. They are stupid...oh wait.

18. An iced vovo can make a beautiful hat.

19. When you're feeling lonely just listen to some Ja Rule and remind yourself why you ever were born in the first place. To sit, eat a schnitzel and listen to some Murder Inc. Oh yeah, and drink so much cheap alcohol that you can't open your eyes the next morning as they are glazed over in a fine film of sweat, regret, and tabouli.

20. If all else fails, just pretend to know what you're doing. The fuckers will never find out.

Now go forth, be all you can be in this bizarre world of likes, political opinions, and marijuana fuelled ambiguity. This is your life, take it by the sweaty balls. 

5 SONGS FOR 5 PIVOTAL MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE.

LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, YOU GUYS. Some days you wake up, boil an egg, call a mate, have a wank, go to sleep. Other days, people shit all over your heart/mind/body (depending on how much you pay them). These days can be particularly hard to get through and can leave you wishing that you indeed did live on Sesame Street, although I don't really agree with your logic because it would be about half a minute before I shoved Elmo's cookie up his own ass (YES I KNOW ITS THE COOKIE MONSTER I AM JUST TRYING TO APPEAR COOL AND GROWN UP BY PRETENDING I DON'T KNOW THE INTRICATE DETAILS OF SESAME STREET WHEN IN FACT I FEEL AS THOUGH I COULD DRAW A TO SCALE DIAGRAM OF THE FUCKING PLACE).

Whatever, I am totally into beards, whiskey and sucking some fuckwit's dick to prove how much I am into Foals.

Anywho, I digress as usual. Here is a compilation of some of the most necessary tunes to switch on when you obviously go through these really common life situations. You are welcome, in advance.

1. WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE OF THE PERSON YOU JUST HAD SEX WITH WHO YOU REALLY LIKE/ REALLY NEEDED TO REBOUND WITH.

You walk out of there. Usually with your fucked up heels in hand and your mascara dripping down your noseholes. You stretch your cankles in victory at the conquest you managed to accomplish with such aplomb that the entire cast of Made In Chelsea would be appalled at your elegance. The build up of this song reflects the way you shimmy on out of his screen door with ciggie burn holes in it, and as it slams behind you, tapping you softly on the ass as a secret "YOU DID IT!", if an object could congratulate that is, you fly off into the hot summer wind as the percussion increases. Suddenly you are guitar solo'ing into your hungover future as you wait for Wayne your taxi driver to roll up hopped up on No Doze and wanting to chat about his missus the whole way home. You stare out the window and pat yourself on the back as the soft choral vocals of Night Ranger drift into the remnants of your crusty pantaloons (that you have stashed in your wallet).


2. WHEN YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR LOVE AND DECIDE TO RIDE AROUND TOWN WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

Oh yeah? You think your life fucking sucks? Try being Ja Rule circa now. Ok, so Ja Rule circa 2003 was fucking incredible. I am 98% sure he bedded some Ashanti ass. Now that is saying something. But dude, your relationship is like 2003. A shining moment when you had everything you wanted, even a faux fight with Eminem to boost your profile. You had pussy coming out yo ears, pussy that even R Kelly couldn't get. But then you may have evaded your relationship much like Ja did with his taxes and you have ended up in heartbreak hotel aka the worst kind of prison imaginable. Throw this ditty on and remember the good times. Those times when the reign wasn't calling murder, but rather Toto was singing 'Africa' without some cryptic rapping in between that leaves you wondering how reign can rain, let alone how the reign can manifest an actual voice in which to call "murder". 

3. WHEN YOU MASTURBATE.

Okay, so I am going to have to get gender specific right now, or more woman specific and pretty much what I think men choke the chicken to. HAHA, I have always wanted to use that in a sentence. Life goals, ay. 

CHIX: 

Would 100% masturbate to this track. No, its not the fucking beard you kooks. The fucking beard is like the fucking wind, I know it is there but I can't see it. Ridiculous. I mean, Chet certainly has something going for him, personally I believe it is because he embodies some weird American Indian vibe that means he can be a conduit for babes everywhere for ladies to wet their panties to. He should be called Chet Running Tree or some shit if you ask me. Chicks would totally light their coconut and lime scented Glasshouse candle, crack open the double A b8rez they bought in woolies with their kale and muesli bites acting all innocent like they need them to replace a remote (HA bullshit), then they would run home, make a kale bullshit bullshit, pour themselves a glass of organic red wine and let loose. And god bless em for it.

DOODS: 

I dunno. It just makes sense to me. All guys seem to love this song and most guys I know have a penchant for a stir fry, so this shit makes sense to me. You aren't writing this, I am and there is something so aggressive about this track that eventually makes you hate yourself and lie in your own sweat and shame, that it just fit. There is just something so 'Metal' about male masturbation.

4. SONG TO PUT ON DURING A ONE NIGHT STAND.

There really is nothing demure or coy about this song. In fact, it holds some handy tips for your disgusting one night stand. Not only is the chorus super catchy but the lyrics are sombre and hold a deeper meaning, literally. You guys aren't there to fuck around (or maybe you are?). Put your hands on the balls ladies, and figure out why Eazy E was such a playa back in the day. On a truly honest note this song is one of my guilty pleasures and truly one of the most heinous songs in history. Give it a listen, just make sure your parents are out of the room (advice I also give to you planning one night stands).

5. THE SONG TO PLAY WHEN YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING HAPPY.

Nothing screams happiness like Band Of Horses. The country twangs. The swelling percussion. The flowing guitar riffs. There is something so beautiful about their music and the general feeling they can give even the most devo of people. Just listen to this track, you can almost feel the wind going through your hair as you open the window of your Mazda 2 and you pass by Grafton Hungry Jacks on your way up north. There is really nothing like letting music take you on a journey to the holy grail of happiness that resides deep in the recesses of your working, living, crying, laughing soul. Fuck everything else, this is something that no matter where you may end up in your life (or if you are grappling with where you may ever end up), at least you know that when you get home your old pal music is there to guide you through any fucked up situation you may find yourself in.

ROCK AND ROLL!

HOW TO BE UNEMPLOYED

If you are like me and have graduated with a degree after slogging it out at your respective University campuses amongst sipping goon and deriving nicknames with meanings that would make the dirtiest sailor blush, you may find yourself completely qualified yet still aching to find someone to employ you.

You are completely capable of any sort of employment (if it doesn't involve Quantum Physics) but still NO, you can't seem to find any sort of work in the field of the degree that you studied for. Chances are, you studied Communications.

FUCK RIGHT?

I've been a good little intern for the better part of four years, so with that much experience, surely I would have scored a well paying job by now, or at least an entry level position? WRONG.

Here are some helpful tips to aid the tedious, lonely days of unemployment.

1. Tell yourself you are going to learn a new language. Hey, even if you don't ever look up any sort of Thai phrasing, you can still hold that within yourself and it will be great to tell your roommates when they eventually arrive home from work. Keep your iphone at the ready, if they ask you to spout the phrases that you have learned that day and hope to christ they don't know the actual pronunciation of the word. You will look as though you aren't just slumming it and that you still have brain capability despite the 50 bongs you smoked just to get through the day.

2. Practice your best Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band knee slide. Chuck on your socks and make this a common practice from around 10:30am-12 (the hours between breakfast and lunch). You will work up an appetite while keeping those ass cheeks in tact babe. You know what unemployment can do to a girl, it can make cunts that you don't care about tell you how you should look to be sexually desirable. Because that's all us girls want, to be sexually desirable. Thanks so much for saying so babe. Here is your inspiration for those knee slides [WATCH IT, SERIOUSLY] (pop 'Dancing In The Dark' on while doing so):

3. Maybe you should look into starting your own business. I know many times a Terrigal Car Boot Market has been enough to tide me over but think bigger than that. But for the love of GOD don't start another fucking fashion blog. I honestly don't understand those things, or who buys into those things- but hey, I also don't understand how people don't like Rage Against The Machine. I tell you what we need more of? We need more people going out to clubs, pubs, and raves and critiquing the dance moves of the punters inside. That shit would be hilarious.

4. Make a weekly bucket list. It can be anything from learning how to make a delicious schnitzel to finally egging your ex-boyfriend's car. Perhaps it may include shaving your head while watching American History X or touching yourself while watching Dr.Phil. Whatever tickles your fancy, no one is home because they are out making a living so no judgement.

5. Learn the entire lyrical component to Shaggy's back catalogue and make it your business to slip it casually into conversation without anyone noticing.

6. Write shit reviews on Trip Advisor for all the places who knocked you back after the interview process under  the name 'Ken Done', then go paint a fucking picture of your feelings.

7. Ask yourself why you aren't as successful as Rihanna even though you are the same age as her, then go buy 16 sausage rolls and eat them all without taking a breath while crying over a framed picture of your University Degree and listening to 'Pon De Replay'. Still not sure what that even means.

8. Learn to play the bongos, grow your hair really long, and take up fire breathing. Keep yourself this way for a few months then rock up to a social event cleanly shaved and in a three piece suit and introduce yourself under another name. Keep this going until someone realises then socially ostracise them from the group.

9. Start jotting down all the great points about how right now are the glory days, then put them in a time capsule and plan to open it when you are 85 and sitting on a porch somewhere drinking peach iced tea.

10. Dress up in traditional colonial garb, go down to The Rocks and pretend to the tourists that you are from the past and you are looking for the time portal back to 1789.

11. Tattoo a picture of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's face on your back, take a photo of it, upload it to Facebook and friend request them. Then sit back, sip on your Yakult and wait.

12. Write a convicted criminal a letter. Way funner than Tinder.

13. Create your own conspiracy theory website about any topic. Literally any topic or moment from history and watch The Daily Mail cover it.

14. Think about joining the Australian Federal Police and then realise that you must have a manual license to join, forget about it, and secretly practice chicken winging perpetrators on your teddy bears while screaming, "GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!"

15. Don't bother following any of this advice at all, just spend your days refreshing your e mail, smoking cigarettes, and listening to 'Night Moves' on repeat. 

Sometimes you just have to take solace in the fact that tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

SCHNITZEL MUSHROOM SUSHI SNAIL

With the excessive exposure that we as humans have to social media, we have become a little bit cynical to our fellow man, especially when doused in ‘X PRO II’. My Instagram feed ranges from those who only post pictures of themselves or others out on the turps or I have the pleasure of eyeballing some huge titties in bralettes at JUST the right angle.

It seems my friends are following the same types of people. Over many a cheap wine we have discussed the types of people who come under certain categories defined by how they are received by the opposite or same sex. It is here I will delve into those categories and explain them each, leaving you to wonder what type of food are you?

DISCLAIMER: Now I realise this is all very shallow, but welcome to this site. Fuck it.

SCHNITZEL

A dude or a chick defined as a schnitzel is one who appeals to all types of people. She/ he is a regulation hottie. They will catch the eye of your fixie riding, tattoo laden, akubra toting hipster and will also have the buff stereosonic types gagging for a go. The reason behind the schnitzel name is that everyone loves a fucking schnitzel. When there is a schnitzel special going on down at your local, there is no way you will opt for the $30 steak, am I right? A piece of delicious schnitzel is an all rounder, one that satiates all kinds of people, and looks great doused in gravy. Don’t be shy in admitting you are a schnitzel, sometimes you are just such a raging babe that all men/women run to you like you are shelter on a stormy day. There is no shame in this, these people exist and they are walking among you every day. Although sometimes I feel sorry for a schnitzel as all forms of people usually bother them, many of who do not appeal to them. Having to bat away suitors with a timber log must be tiring for them and I really think we should have some sort of half marathon to combat the ever-rising perils of a schnitty.

MUSHROOM

Mushrooms aren’t just a delicious option while slathering up your schnitty. Mushrooms are people too, you know. They are the gentle medium between a schnitzel and a sushi. They appeal to the general public but then again there are some people who are just like, “Ta, but seeya”. This is explained by the fact that mushrooms are generally well liked. Vegetarians and people who like to shell out for a big breakfast especially enjoy them. While a mushroom may not exactly catch the attention of every man and his dog, they definitely produce some serious neck cricks from perving and the like. When checking out a mushroom, you will know that you are attracted to them, but may not realise why. Until later on when you wake up from your weird sex dream about them, and then you realise that this is the reason that mushrooms produce wild hallucinations. People will still tag their mates on their instagram photos, although perhaps instead of needing a timber log, the mushies can get away with beating off the babes with some kindling.

SUSHI

Now sushi is certainly a lovely choice for lunch. It’s light, refreshing and comes with wasabi. However, if you are a sushi then you may not be getting all of the attention you want from every person you meet. While discussing these categories, I would like to add, the original discussion only consisted of schnitzels and snails. However, we quickly discovered that this assessment wasn’t fair and we had to create some sort of middle ground to cover all bases. A sushi is the tender little middle ground between what everyone deems as babe’n and those people who have a particular sense of taste. A sushi is a type of girl/boy who may fit a particular style. For example, your Sarah Blasko types or your dudes who are running a look similar to those in Blur. Seems like every guy is at the moment, but that’s beside the point. The point being that if you are a sushi, you do pretty well and you aren’t particularly bothered by the masses. This will probably lead you to kissing/boning those who you are also attracted to. A fellow sushi perhaps? We all have our PBs.

SNAIL

So what category do you fit under Jess? Well, here it is. I know I am a snail, I have said this for years, and the reason has always stayed the same when people ask why, I simply reply, “Because I am an acquired taste”. Surprisingly it doesn’t mean that I slay it with French men. Although, I’m sure Manu might eye fuck me if he has had one too many pinots. Snails are those people who definitely do not appeal to the masses; in fact the majority may even find them a little confusing. But the people, who froth on a snail, REALLY froth on a snail. They make it their mission to try a snail. If you are a snail, you may be a woman who has been called “sir” a couple of times, or you may be a guy who gets called some sort of homophobic slur on a regular basis. Jokes on those dicks because meanwhile you are slaying it with the minority. Everyone loves an underdog, don’t they? If you are a snail, then you will know because you have been asked multiple times to give out your friends numbers/told to move seats so the courter may be closer to a non-snail/pashed some serious babes in your time/been the one who chases.

So I hope I have given you some sort of fucked up insight into my head. But I suppose if you are reading this, you would have already known that I love a metaphor- especially when it comes to babes. Plus, lets be honest all food is delicious….except onions. If you are an onion I will swipe to the right on Tinder.