Wednesday, September 11, 2013


FUCK HIM/HER RIGHT? Dude you will be okay and I am here to shadow your squatting while eating ice cream at the back of a Shell Garage. There is nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing wrong with this either:

Sometimes you need to sharpen your knives. Whether or not you actually peg an entire Big Mac meal through their open window or not, it is just fun to draw up some sort of blue print as to their eventual demise. Here are some handy revenge tactics:
- Spike their milk with OMO so they end up making their whites whiter while eating their Nutri Grain.
- Be heaps successful and happy with your own life, that is the harshest bullet to ever take as the Breaker upperer. Trust me.
- Slay their favourite band in front of them.
- Become friends with them and encourage them to finally explore their long awaited dream of stand up comedy, then sit back with a huge box of popcorn and watch them bomb. Make sure you drove them there too so you can piss off before they finish wiping the sweat off their brow in the "green room" and drive off laughing and listening to some bad ass babes like HAIM or something.
- Do not go on Big Brother. Its embarrassing for multiple reasons and in the end no one really wins.
- Write an epic song about the break up painting them out to look like a giant slut, win an award, sell heaps of copies, play a crowded room and then offer to lend the bastard some money.
- Have sex with some amazing rig lord with a beard and some tattoos and take a photo of you on his motorbike with sex hair and do not post it on Instagram because lets be honest if you really were having a fucking heaps mad time, you would not be choosing a fucking filter on Instagram.

The best thing you can possibly do after a break up is purge yourself of the songs that remind you of them for at least 3 months. Although once it took me a year to be able to listen to Jamiroquai without tearing up, I mean Little L is just so vague and kinda insulting- how can it not remind you of an ex boyfriend? HAH. But the beauty in this, is it allows your little ears to discover some new tunes. Here lies my ultimate "GET OVER YOUR EX" playlist:

- Get Money : Notorious B.I.G (No one knows how to make you wanna put it down on a giant wad of cash like Biggie.)

- Gypsy : Fleetwood Mac. (This is the ultimate scream singing song out of your car at 80 km/h- try it and thank me later)

- HyperParadise (Flume Remix)- Hermitude. (This song will make you want to throw caution to the wind and I am pretty sure the warped voice is saying "NEVER GETTING MARRIED, NEVER GETTING MARRIED". Yeah fuck that!)

- Anything by Kings Of Leon. (Guaranteed the dude who you went out with does not look like, act like or sing anything like Caleb Followill. So you can listen with the hope that perhaps the next one will slowly get you closer to having weird dirty southern sex with someone much like him).

- Get Free (Feat. Amber of Dirty Projectors) : Major Lazer. (The delicate beats in this tune will aid any harsh buzz from the outside world)

- Cheap And Cheerful : The Kills (Bad ass chick, bad ass Mr. Kate Moss, some wild bass and some dismissive lyrics. Nothing to make you feel cooler, in my opinion.)

- Africa : Toto. (Just do it, trust me).

Okay so maybe getting fucked up won't cure the heart ache but it sure as fuck will make it go away for at least a couple of hours. Get out there, throw your red lipstick all over the face of some poor bastard who now smells like Marlboro Golds and off vodka pineapples. You'll never see him again! (UNLESS YOU LIVE ON THE CENTRAL COAST)
Be THAT person. Be the one who everyone is talking about the next day, because really all it will prove to you is that other people's bullshit and opinions about you, dont really matter do they?
What do they care? Once they have their Sunday morning bacon and egg roll in their guts, they couldn't give a fuck about all the nasty shit they have judged about someone else. But really, once you have had YOUR B & E roll, do you really give a fuck about them either? MORAL OF THE STORY: When it comes down to it, no one REALLY gives a fuck about anyone but themselves. And that is fine! We are in our 20s and still sadly dealing with teenage angst offcuts, finding a job, travelling to outrageous destinations, drinking and throwing up and no one knowing about it, writing fucking stupid blog posts and instagramming our weetbix. LIFE IS FUCKING HARD.

Now I am definite and sure that you, dear reader are already a babe. And you wanna know why? It is because you would have broken up with/ been broken up with/ been rejected by a fuckwit(s) before. It is the ultimate revenge act (see point 1) when getting over an ex. The look of pure disappointment/wonderment is so delicious when you step out of the house all Baberaham Lincoln, only to face your ex-whatever. Although I do have to make a point, that this should only be truly focused on once. After that, rest assured that you are for sure a megababe and he/she knows it, so relax and don't over do it by continually rocking up to places with your hair professionally done and a new pair of slacks. No one has enough money for that shit. Oh yeah and be sure to strut. This isn't so much for the ex, but rather the new catch. Or rather, for yourself. I have a rule of thumb when walking anywhere in any venue- it doesnt matter. Whether you are on your way in/out or just on your way to the toot- fucking strut. Confidence oozes from your pores, you walk with purpose making bitches wanna be you, and dudes wanna ask you if you are a dude....fuck. Anyway my original point is to be internally and eternally confident and happy with yourself, because you are all interesting, original and fucking amazing.

Easier said than done, I know. But once you get those wheels in motion, and the other party starts fucking their cousin or something, the moving on process will become WAY easier. You can relax and rely on the fact that you have been yourself all along. Yeah you may have gone too far, thrown a chair or two, hit someone in the face, threw an entire beer jug on an offending party- but hey- at least you made this little thing called life, INTERESTING! I mean, what else are people going to talk about? The election? The sex slave industry? Syria?- Probably not. Find your feet, go travel and see the world and realise that maybe your convenient soulmate wasn't all they were cracked up to be. In fact, maybe you are your real soulmate and you can do anything with yourself! You can even have sex with yourself! & you don't even have to buy yourself a drink first! Fuck, you are such a slut.

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