Monday, August 6, 2012


So it took me over a week to scramble together enough brain cells to even begin to think about writing this post. but here it is, the recap of Splendour In The Grass 2012 (also known as: THE BEST SPLENDOUR YET!)


We awoke before the crack of dawn (who knew that even existed?) and set off on our way to the land known as Byron Bay. The road trip was filled with screeching tires, excited screams and sticking it to the big banana.

Before we knew it we were slowly trudging into the campsite to the soundtrack of sniffer dogs screaming their lungs out (no doubt to the medley of illicit substances that littered the air like truck smog). We all  nestled into our obnoxiously large campsite to the dismay of the surrounding campers who shot us hairy eyeballs as we took over the majority of our section with mouldy tents and espresso machines.

What followed was a overly excited display of sausage sizzles, laughter, FUN and an empty bottle of Captain Morgans drunk solely by one David Bellato. He was lucky it was his birthday in two days.


We awoke to a crisp air and some stolen deck chairs courtesy of Adam Pascoe and Tom Halpin who took it too far on the first night and went looking for a party. While they didnt find a party, they sure as fuck found us some comfortable seating and we couldn't be more grateful for their wild efforts.

The time had come after the boys took to the beach for their first official Splendour shower ( IT JUST WONT SUD!- Richard Johnston) and the girls braved the portaloo showers after a quick de-brief in the line. Goon bags, vodka and assorted pov soft drinks were flying around like mosquitoes and bacon and egg baps became the theme of the weekend. We all got our party shoes on and headed into the festival at around midday.

Chet Faker was the first act we didn't get to see, due to an over zealous ticket scanner and a lack of direction. However, the brief taste of 'No Diggity' set the standard for the rest of the weekend.

FLUME followed, and it was easy to see why this youngin was stealing the hearts of Deep HAUS lords everywhere. Notorious BIG featured as well as his hit 'Sleepless' and we all revelled in the pure DJ decadence that this powerhouse was putting forward. It was the perfect beginning to our Splendour experience.

After FLUME, we skipped over to the GW MCELLEN tent to see BEN HOWARD and find out what all the hype was about. He lived up to it and I had never seen that many dudes froth on another dude since that time I went to ARQ at 6 O'clock in the morning. However, due to extremely hot weather temps earlier in the day- a mini monsoon came upon us and it bucketed down peppered with hail for around 45 minutes. All the boys saw this as the perfect opportunity to get wet, while the girls all stared on in bewilderment wondering how the fuck they were meant to keep their hair dry. Because of this short lived storm, it set the rest of the weekend in with puddles and mud up to our ankles. While it wasn't appreciated at the time, we slowly became used to it and used it as an excuse to get dirty and/or buy gumboots.

YACHT CLUB DJs slayed their set dressed in Ghostbusters gear and also a green ghost that came out on stage dancing and throwing T shirts into the crowd. I had never laughed so hard in my life. Needless to say, the crowd was WAYYYYYY too fucked up for that time of day (3:30pm) and we took this time to mosey on back to the campsite and recuperate.

After a short lived campsite stint (the last one for the weekend as it was a BITCH to get back and forth), we made it in time to catch GYPSY AND THE CAT. It was filled with a golden light show and perfect acoustics in which we all took a moment to stop and realise exactly where we were even if we couldn't dance due to constantly being bogged in the mud.

Following this we headed to the NOFF tent and saw some DJ play some song and I dont really remember because we had just had a ROJO margarita and I was sucking down a MOJITO as well. However, before this I do remember that Bellato dared himself to get a spray on tattoo. I was begging him to get a dolphin as I thought that was the worst thing you could possibly get, but no. He outdid the dolphin and insisted on getting a dog in a dreamcatcher.

 Then Ellen went to see JACK WHITE and we stood outside of PINKYS TAKE AWAY while Bellato ate a Pluto pup and then we all went home because as usual we all went a bit too hard on the first day and needed a spoon.


We woke up and definitely had a little bit more dust on us than the previous morning. Mitch Faulkner fired up the coffee maker and the BBQ was back on with some more eggs and bacon for our baps. We took our time this morning and all came together to eat cookies, drink copious amounts of alcohol and bask in the sun. This was what we had all needed- a little time out to get drunker and have more fun.

When we all decided to go in, it was about 4pm and apparently JINJA SAFARI was playing. I mean, I was there  but I didn't see any of the set. This would happen a few times throughout the weekend. Following this, we made our way to BAND OF SKULLS who Ryan Locklee had been waiting to see all weekend. They were amazing especially while knee deep in mud.

Some of us then made our way to the JAGER cube. This would be the stand out party spot and we lost ourselves in liquorice tasting drinks and DEEP HAUS. From there, we made our way to TAME IMPALA. These guys always know how to hold the crowd in the palm of their hand, and their set at Splendour was no different. Whirling guitar mixed with psychedelic vocals made for a killer set and alot of hoarse vocal chords.

I kind of forget what happened in this middle bit, but I went looking for Bellato and Ellen who were off seeing LANA DEL REY. I got completely lost, squinted at the TEE PEE FOREST for a bit and caught a few songs from the baben songstress. She did a cover of 'Heart Shaped Box' by NIRVANA that was beautiful and I caught a bit of VIDEO GAMES before I gave up and dove into the crowd for MIIKE SNOW. Im not a big fan of the band so Rach and I went and chootzed out in the STRONGBOW boat for a long long time. Sorry, I am kind of realising this recount is the ramblings of a mad man who lost his memory at sea years before, but I am trying my best to remember everything. I feel like I have amnesia.

OH then we had the pleasure of once again seeing BLOC PARTY in all their glory on the Splendour stage. KELE was a fucking lord as always and coupled with that dude who climbed the tent pole and had to stay there the whole set- this part was a highlight. FLUX came and went too soon and the crowd fell in love with what B.P had to offer.

We all found our way back to the tent eventually, Brendan and Ryan were talking to some Adelaide guys who refused to play anything but THE CAT EMPIRE and MUSCLES and we sat around the fire talking about the days events. Bellato came strolling back after being lost for about two hours looking like the happiest man on earth. He had found a kebab stall and was cheering at the deliciousness of his Birthday Bab.


As we woke up and slowly birthed ourselves out of our tents, we had no idea how sinister Sundays can actually be. SUNDAYS ARE SATURDAYS- Brendan Turner.

Ryan, Brendan, Ellen and I began our day by sipping Vodka out of cups with Mitch's face all over them and enjoying every minute of it. Before we knew it we were standing sloppily in the shower line and scoffing down another bacon and egg bap. Brendan and Ryan then decided to go find Brendan's clothes for the day at his place in town and cue four hours without them.

While they were gone everyone else proceeded to get pretty fucked up and some of the boys went in early to send off Horton. Turns out when you are left at the campsite for an extended period of time, weird shit happens. Finally, Brendan and Ryan came back with sheepish looks on their faces and a bit of a stumble in their walk. WELCOME BACK THE DRUNKEST GUYS AT SPLENDOUR!

They provided the boost we all needed to get even drunker and have even more fun (who knew that could ever be possible? Thanks to these two- we found it was). There was and exchange of spiced rum and freehand pouring that turned this picnic into an all out pissed mothers 50th.

Before we all left, it came to a pleasant head and we chucked on 'Im Every Woman' by Whitney Houston for Bellato. What followed was chairs being upturned, loss of precious illicits found by a human sniffer dog (RACHEL PERRY!) and using a log as a microphone, guitar and stripper pole all at the same time.

We somehow made it into the festival and branded ourselves the most obnoxious people in there. I was hurling slurring insults at Bellato, kicking mud and consistently singing
Tom told a couple to not get married as, "You'd be that devo man, don't do it."
We were all like "you know what, METRIC is on soon- we should probably go!". So we did and we saw the amazing METRIC in all her glory which was made especially special by Ellen and Jess who sang "Help! Im Alive" with pizzas in hand.
We just fucked off all the legitimate music, got a margarita, met a guy posing as a security guard and stumbled to the JAGER cube.

There was a dance circle occurring and Tom took it upon himself to be the slowest breakdancer known to man. Seriously, I am calling the Guinness Book of Records for that shit. It was like watching a back up dancer for Joel Turner with the moving pause on. I then also decided it would be a good idea to get involved and did a knee slide into the circle with that much force that I still have the bruises to show for it to this day. Then Tom turned to me and said, "Im going to do a handstand, catch me Hog." and I had every intention to.

However, when he flung himself into said handstand, I completely missed and he body slammed into the hard wooden floor. I regained our composure by dry humping him which I just know would have saved the day (HAHA!) Tom then got us kicked out by throwing hay at people.

Somehow this took us to the time we had all been waiting for. AZEALIA BANKS. Yes, yes she only played for 26 minutes or some shit, but it was, dare I say, the best 26 minutes of our lives. We were all lost in a washing machine of a crowd who remained on spin cycle for the entire time. It was a sea of swaying bodies that gave in to the mystique of the Queen of Splendour- Ms. Banks. Needless to say, when 212 came on- the crowd went wild. But no wilder than thinking I had the capacity at the time to put Ellen on my shoulders. We all lost it and crumped like it was 1991 all over again. "WHATS YOUR DICK LIKE HOMIE WHAT ARE YOU INTO?" We all left breathless and on a high.

In this time Ellen and I found ourselves at the chapel and we can now say that by the power of Christ, we are husband and wife.

THE SMASHING PUMPKINS were the last act on the menu and we all felt that this was a fitting end to an amazing weekend. Die hard fans such as Brendan Turner and Jared Wharton were enjoying every moment, however, I was in such a state that I left halfway through and took it upon myself to get "OFF ME DICK" in the Jager Cube. A decision that will probably haunt my sane mind in the future.

We all somehow came together at the end to realise that actually yes it was freezing so we all linked arms and spoon-walked ourselves back to campsite to crash on what had been one of the best weekends that any of us had had in such a very long time.

I would like to thank Jessica Moss, Ellen Giebels, Tom Halpin, Rachel Perry, Mitch Faulkner, Adam Pascoe, Dave Horton, Rick Johnston, Ryan Locklee, Brendan Turner, Jared Wharton and David Bellato for being the absolute ripper crew that you were. It would never have been the same without you, oh and this......

* "Im off me dick!....He's off his dick too!"
* Mitch's face coffee cups.
* Chronicles of Never gumboots.
*Dave's outfits
* Horton hears a who, thats right isnt it?
* Bald Knob Road.
* Sticking it to the Nan.
*Ah Do DO DO
* It just wont sud.
* Baps.
*This sounds christian!
*Have you met my mate Dave?
*Dog in a dreamcatcher.
*"Fuck off Tom!"
*Surfers Paradise.
*Chili sauce.
*Birthday Bab
*Bellato's wrist band.
*The sink hole.
* James.
* Are you guys from Adelaide?....NO.....
*"Need a franger?"
*"There is nothing good about Boy London"...."Yeah Cheers mate!"
*Stop being such a homo!
* 7 pairs of tits.....campsite tits dont count!
* Splendour theme song: Send me on my way- Rusted Root.

I LOVE YOU ALL, Here's to next year!

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