Sunday, June 3, 2012


Here is a misguided guide on how to pick up chicks by a chick, please indulge yourself and then disregard the following (or don't and let me know how you go):

Now this may be a pretty obvious one. But I feel I may need to explain it in further detail. Being a fuckwit to the fairer sex is an art. Not just everyone can go out there and be a fuckwit. The girl MUST be attracted to you in some way, shape or form before you can execute your fuckwittedness. If you want this woman, you should acknowledge her presence, perhaps compliment her and then proceed to talk to as many chicks around you as possible. This should not be the plan for the whole night, may I add. I know I have, and so have many of my girlfriends, been in the situation where they are undecided on a boy. Should I or should I not put it down? Is the question bouncing around in their pretty little heads. The most sure fire way of showing that you are hot property is by employing the above technique. At the end of the night (if she has stuck around, if she hasn't then she just wasn't that into you) make sure she is the last person you speak to and have that cheeky look on your face. Guaranteed her competitive streak has come out by now, and you will be in, son. PS telling her she looks like shit doesn't count. "I simply want him more because he looks the other way"- no truer words have been spoken. Thank you Flight Facilities.

This has become a common mistake amongst the male crew. I know I have heard many a complaint about the dude rattling off all the shit he likes to do. I knew a guy once who proceeded to list every single kind of accompaniment that could ever possibly go into a cockatil. Blueberries, cinnamon, strawberries, pineapple, lychees, sugar, salt, pepper, chillies, your mum, heroin, car seat covers, the sleeve of a mohair jumper from General Pants. Fucking everything. It was inane and made me zone out to tolerate the bullshit that was coming from this dude's mouth. I began thinking about what I would do to combat a zombie apocalypse. Seriously. I think about that all the time. I would pretend to be one of them using my Halloween costume from last year then get a huge truck with massive wheels and run them all over and probably head down Wilfred Barrett Drive to Maitland because there sure as shit wouldn't be any zombies out there, theres barely any humans out there. Anyway, so don't talk about yourself all the time, its boring and we as chicks are vain creatures who love to tell you all about what we can put in cocktails and how we would kick some zombie ass.

Last night someone told me that I should have slashed the faces of the girls who came before me in the Pedestrian Bachelorette of the Year Awards. I did not even know what to say back, let alone make eye contact with the dude. It was weird. & I have read too much shit about people eating each other in America at the moment to not be scared by that. Saying weird shit may be fun while you are whispering it into your X Box headset while playing COD or whatever it is (is COD right? yeah should be, Call Of Duty-yep.) but saying it in public in front of women makes you look like Patrick Bateman, but no one is a bigger babe than Christian Bale- so its pointless. "I work in murders and executions", "What?", "I work in mergers and acquisitions."

This makes us sound like whores. But I swear we aren't. Its a gesture that holds more currency than your $6.50 vodka pineapple. Its the most gentlemanly thing we have come to expect besides offering a coat when its cold. Even better if she is at the bar with you, because those Beery lines sure do get crowded and will allow you to get extra close to the one you covet. If you think that buying a chick a drink means that all they want is money, then you have bigger problems anyway and need to reorganise your girl-hate metre.

Maybe this will only impress me? But I dont want to hear about all the heaps cool indie bands you have just discovered lately. I want to make some love to Juicy, so sue me! But dont tell me you love hip hop and then refuse to engage in a rap battle with me. Its disrespectful, haha. I just love a man who loves a bit of Big. One day he may be "putting 25 carats in my baby girl's ear"- and that could mean anything from earrings to a gold plated, diamond encrusted condom. Your choice. I think I know which one you would choose.

There is nothing like a bit of mystique. I mean being the funniest person in the room also helps, I am sure Jason Segel could attest to that. But there is something sexy about a brooding babe in the background who doesn't seem to give a fuck what is going to happen that night. You know the one. The one who isn't out to just get some puss, he doesn't mind if it happens or not. You can spot the dudes whose life mission that night is to see some tits. When all they need to do is look in the mirror. They are always slightly sweaty, have dry corners of the mouth, their chest is puffed out and they can't make eye contact with anyone for more than 2 seconds as they are continually scanning the room for some ass.

Good luck boys.

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