AFTERTHOUGHT: Please play the video at the bottom while reading this post. It will all make sense at the end.
Dont get your panties in a twist, its just Tuesday right?
I went to woolies today to get some sushi shit and was bombarded with almost dead red roses and yet still I couldnt help but sigh and feel a bit like Bridget Jones on the eve of the second most hyped up date in the yearly calendar- VALENTINES DAY. (NYE holds top spot)
This is the angle I am going to take, I am not going to sit and complain while secretly scoffing a kilo of furry friends in the safety of my computer screen, I am going to throw out some options for the single lass/lads out there for tomorrow.
1. Go to work as usual and carry on like you would any other day of the week.
2. Break down on your way to work as dickheads giggle and swoon at their i phones on the train commute like complete knobs. I mean, who really considers a text to ever be romantic? Our generation is more fucked than Robert Downey Jr circa 1988.
3. Buy yourself some flowers and have them sent to your work a la Cher from Clueless. Its like buying a fake Louis Vuitton bag from Thailand. If you can fathom doing that then you will have no shame forking out for some daisies.
4. Go to the gym and punch the living shit out of a bag as you picture the latest fuckwit you have had to put up with in your life. At least youll get some anger out while shedding kilos so youll look extra banging for the next time your in the line for sirens.
5. Do NOT say things you do not mean, just because its a fucking pussy of a day.
6. DO say things to get pussy on this day, as it is known the world over as being the one 24 hours in which women are most vulnerable and willing to get dicked in order to prove a point. We've come so far.
7. Be careful who you do ask out on a date if you do only want some pussy, as for some reason the stakes are higher on Tuesday. If you want my advice, look for the drunkest chick at whatever establishment you frequent and pounce on that because she has probably forgotten that its Valentines Day and thinks you look like Clive Owen.
8. Don't complain to your male friends about anything to do with love. They don't want to hear it.
9. Don't complain to any of your female friends about anything to do with love. They don't want to hear it.
10. If you don't receive any sort of material possession from the opposite (or same) sex tomorrow don't have a bitch fit and cry. If it was any other day you would probably think they were a stalker and dump the thing in the rubbish, because you are super hot, arent you?
11. People complaining about people complaining about Valentines Day are even worse than the original offenders. No it does not have a negative effect, go and play with a ball or something. (not balls- unless you are drunk and they look like Clive Owen)
12. For fucks sake ladies, make the walk of shame on Wednesday worth it. Pack a bag with fresh undies, thongs and a headband or even if you are smarter than that some active wear and joggers to blend in to Ocean View Drive without anyone being the wiser.
13. I will be loitering around Ocean View Drive on Wednesday morning purely for the Walk of Shamers. God love ya's.
14. Don't hang out with someone you arent interested in because its V Day and you feel lonely you cold hearted mutt. People are humans dammit!
15. Call your pop or your nan, fuck it'll make their day.
16. Be a smart ass, it is the best way to pep your day up if you are feeling down.
17. Do not think about things that have already been and are done and then do 15 tequila shots- you are punishing yourself because some twat at the beery gave his chick a teddy bear stuffed with dingers and then he copped a blowie in the toot.
18. Girls- you don't have to give blowies tomorrow night. YEWWWWW.
19. Dudes- you don't have to buy mundane shit from the Caltex tomorrow night and pretend like you thought about it for ages. YEWWWW.
20. Downside of that though is dudes wont be getting head and chicks wont be getting two king sized mars bars for $2.50. not yew.
21. Use this opportunity like you would a Melbourne Cup- just another day in farkin straya to get on the piss and have an excuse. OATH.
22. Set fire to all those shit chick mags and smoke a doob by the light of Miranda Kerr or whoever is the face of David Jones at the moment.
23. Coax a security guard into buying you a drink- that shit is way more rewarding than a box of favourites.
24. Buy yourself a box of favourites and don't eat the cherry ripes- instead use them to throw out of car windows at couples gazing at the sunset with some filthy Snoop Dogg song blasting about fucking and yell "FO SHIZZLE" out the window and speed off laughing. Trust me, it is hilarious & I have been on both sides of that scenario.
25. Get dressed up like it's Halloween and when people question you about it, tell them that you have been following the Mayan calendar and that THE WORLD IS GOING TO END! REPENT! REPENT! then run off stripping your zombie outfit into the ocean.
26. Act like a complete fuckwit to everyone because you are forever alone and it's everyone elses fault.
27. Feed some ducks while listening to Hardcore, the juxtaposition will tickle you. & the ducks will be that stoked.
28. Wear one of those fucking stupid whole bodysuits that cover your head and everything and come in stupid colours, go supermarket shopping in it and as you gently place your banana flavoured condoms on the counter, ask the checkout chick if they want to be your valentine.
29. remember if you are ridin solo- its time to get your shit together, time to get your shit to-geth-errrr, yeaaaheeeyyy.
30. Tell someone you have never met that they are beautiful. If they are in a relationship they will get their collective spouse Shane/Shaz to punch your lights out, or you might make their Valentines Day.
All I know is that I will at some point be drinking a Pina Colada while getting caught in the rain and realising that I am not into Yoga yet hoping that I have half a brain.