Sunday, November 13, 2011
This is for ma ladieeessss.
Dont you just love men? (unless you are a lesbian, then don't you just love chix?)
They can be rude and obnoxious
They can come in your face or on your back
They may wank on you if you don't want to put out
They might call you a bitch or a slut
They could break your heart
or burp under their breath
or yell lewd insults or spit in the street.
They think with their dick and maybe that gets them into trouble, but by god where would we be without it....i mean them.
But sometimes they are just fucking lovely.
Their arms and lips.
Their eyes and hands.
Their gap teeth and their style
Their chest and back.
you know the drill.
I sat awake with three very different men last night discussing such things until 3am, and due to different levels of appreciation of the genders and I realised I spend a lot of my thinking time, thinking about boys.
WHO CARES, I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN, ITS OK TO THINK ABOUT THOSE OTHER HUMANS SOMETIMES.
Plus I would like to know one woman who doesn't either say or think "babe!" when they see one.
I have come to the decision that i am absolutely completely in love with men.
Not all men at the same time- I think you know what I mean. (INSERT BUKKAKE JOKE)
I know, this is probably a shock to anyone who has read any of my other posts, but I just wanted to delve into the deep chasm that is.....MAN.
So lets break it down (in a really generalised manner) and name some types:
your caleb followills or dave navarros (I am naming who I think are babes in the music industry)
Screeching husky voices belting out their hand written lyrics on a smoky stage making all the girls in the audience loosen their panties and breathe heavily (sometimes because they are basically behind a microphone)
"Oh babe look at him! he is just SAAA HOT! The things I would do to him with that drum stick babe, oh you have no idea. Look at the way he plays bass! his fingers moving in such rhythm and speed."
Pretty much, chicks equate playing instruments to sex, so if you can play an instrument then go for your life. But do not do it at a party while other music is playing, it makes you look like a hippie, and girls will laugh at you.
I dont have much nice to say about this crew, but I do appreciate the long locks most of them sport. So do HEAPS of other chicks, they froth on it. So you know- go grow that hair, shit- take a GHD to that bad boy and make waves and some girls will absolutely lose their tits for you.
Commit to it though, thats one piece of advice but do not get too into it, otherwise it is such a fucking turn off when you are asking your girl crush if velvet and paisley are actually a good mix while holding a longie and a rollie.
TATTOO BOYS/ PUNK KIDS:
I love tattoos. I think when a girl sees a boy with etchings all over his body they get slightly moist for the skin underneath it all. PLUS- it is such a great conversation starter:
"oh hey tattooed boy, whats this one mean? OMGZ did it hurt? Are you okay? Oh babe ill peel the glad wrap off it later tonight. Oh, its a picture of a skull vomiting on George Bush? Babe you are so up with world politics, lets go home and ill read your whole body like its the new Candice Bushnell novel."
But for serious- tattoos are hot, and so are you.
Ok its a given that chicks get wettie for a boy in a wettie. He's in the waves whipping his hair back and forth, being one with the waves, throwing shakkas to his mates on the sand who you are also staring at (but trying to not make it look obvious).
He usually has a fine layer of water over him as he makes his way out of the water- I mean christ, there is a reason why they made the Baywatch opening credits in slow motion. Its sexy and I never thought I would ever say that about shralpers.
They are the first to offer you a drink (and not slip in something that dissolves)
They offer you their hand if you need to get out of a car, they also walk road side on the sidewalk to shield the woman from stray lunatics on bikes WHO JUST HAVE SOMEPLACE TO BE RIGHT NOW!
They wont overload the romance, but they do make the girl feel attractive and like the only girl in the room (which is a big deal to the more vicious and jealous sex)
They think before they speak, drink scotch and smoke cigarettes (yeah I just started watching Mad Men)
They are lovely, have a backbone and will kiss but never tell.
FUCK ME. Skaters are so fucking obliviously babein its ridiculous. They dont even know it! Or maybe they do.....anyway, something in my girl code of genetics makes me feel like all is right in the world whenever I see a skater. Sometimes I get closer in my car and they are like 15 and I feel dirty and like I should maybe change my route from Sydney to Terrigal Police Station.
So I am only talking about the 18+ skaters who shred the pavement and sometimes wear their shirt in the back pocket of their jeans. good god.
STRAIGHT UP BABES:
There is nothing better in your day than seeing a fucking Baberaham Lincoln out in the street, or if they are one of your regulars that you secretly (or maybe not so secretly- it depends) crush on and tell everyone about.
The ones who defy babeness and come into a realm of so much handsome and charm you then find yourself in a trance like in that Mighty Boosh episode in Season 2 when Naboo, Bollo, Vince and Howard get hypnotized by the love monster things and Vince has piggytails in it and they are all wearing white kaftans.
Let me give you some examples:
1. Pretty much 80% of Splendour In The Grass' occupants.
2. 2.5% of the Central Coast (but when you find one, the taste is sweeter)
3. Anyone with an instrument in front of them (see above)
You know you are a babe when 3/4 of her friends rate you highly as well. But please dont ever find out that we think you are a babe because then you know it and the ego is uncontrollable.
BOYS FROM QUEENSLAND:
You guys, you are shit hot. When I wandered into the mecca of men that is known as the Gold Coast (& I am not referring to the Oakley sporting dudes that you see during the day) I signed myself up to full exploration of the place in 2010 and since then have rated up north highly to any and every girl as they will not be disappointed by the amount of babes just hanging about the place. I saw a man there once that literally took my breath away.
I think men are quite simple to figure out, but then again I have no idea what you fuckers think.
All I know for a fact is:
NO FAT CHICKS.