VAGINA!

I figured I should be fair to the people who read this thing and complete a chicks have some sweet shit about them too.

But the thing is, its kind of hard for me to put babein chicks into categories as I dont really spend that much time thinking about the types of girls out there for the boys.

So I thought I would break it down into three categories to do with physical features that are usually noticed by boys and somehow turn that into an interesting blog post (bear with me). So here we go:


TITZ:

I have asked a few lads around what their preference is when it comes to tits, ass or legs. This is what they had to say.
Tits are basically appreciated by all men and are a given. As a wise scholar once said over lunch (I'm paraphrasing)
"Tits are a given, you can't really get bad tits. Whenever a guy sees boobs all he thinks is "boobs". But to get a nice ass or legs, its rarer."
So if you can imagine that all men love boobs (I know its hard, so weird of them hey) then you are sweet, and 99% of the time if you are a woman you will have tits, so you are winning in that department when it comes to the more rugged sex.
Although Id like to point out when posed this question, very few men actually chose boobies as their preference. Does this mean we as women are getting our cans out too often? Are we overloading the boys with our fun bags? Has it become the drunk Facebook status of the body? I wouldnt be surprised if that was the case- I mean who wants to pursue the chase of the norks if they are in the dudes face the whole time?
But tits are pretty lovely I must say, damn the ratio if you get to see a set in their entirety then you should feel very lucky.


ASS:

Fuck me where do I start. Isnt this the popular choice! I personally dont get the whole ass thing, but I understand that some men froth on your behind and look at it when you dont realise. I dont know how I feel about it, flattered or violated? Who am i kidding? Id be stoked.
I have also recieved a lot of responses regarding the fact that ass and legs are one and the same. As in, if you have a killer set of pins then you must have a sweet ass. I dont know about this one, but girls should appreciate the illusion that some heels can give off and fool the lot of you into thinking we have some mad butt cheeks.
I even had my friend Amy tell me her first preference for a girls bod is the ass, which is quite impressive if you ask me. I almost wish I asked more in depth about this ass phenomenon in which the majority of men go apeshit over the derrière as I need to understand why its so much better than the legs or the boobs? Maybe thats why that David Jones guy got in so much shit for grabbing the ass of his assistant or whoever she was (top journalism from me), because he didnt explain his appreciation for her bottom. Silly bastard.


LEGS:

Now if someone was asking me, I would say legs are the most attractive part of a woman. Especially when placed in the right shoe or under the right clothes. I believe in not showing off the chesticles so much as the pins, why you may ask? Because I believe they are the secret subtle weapon of women and should be used much like an AK 47. I had an appreciative soul speak up for the leg, or should I say the "upper inner thigh" which was very specific and helpful to my cause and kind of made me think of a roast chicken. Maybe this is the secret to the ass! You can ask for a leg of chicken and a breast, but no one ever asks "OI MUM, CAN YOU SAVE US THE ASS OF THE CHICKEN?"
Its the one thing that isnt on the menu! (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
solved. sweet.
But yeah the legs, they are sexy and smooth most of the time and should be appreciated a lot more than the ass if you ask my opinion (which you didnt).
Get your pins out girls, show them off and spritz that fake tan or whatever you use to make them absolutely finger lickin good.



I now would like to acknowledge that you boys would accept the puss over anything else.

I hope this post encourages you to check out some sweet ass or killer pins or epic tits and hopefully not end up with a drink in your face or a lawsuit.

PS: CHIX: Let them have a look for fucks sake, its not that bad and you know you love it.

PENIS!

HERE IS MY BI MONTHLY OBLIGATORY MAN POST.

This is for ma ladieeessss.

Dont you just love men? (unless you are a lesbian, then don't you just love chix?)

They can be rude and obnoxious
They can come in your face or on your back
They may wank on you if you don't want to put out
They might call you a bitch or a slut
They could break your heart
or burp under their breath
or yell lewd insults or spit in the street.
They think with their dick and maybe that gets them into trouble, but by god where would we be without it....i mean them.

But sometimes they are just fucking lovely.
Their arms and lips.
Their eyes and hands.
Their gap teeth and their style
Their chest and back.
you know the drill.

I sat awake with three very different men last night discussing such things until 3am, and due to different levels of appreciation of the genders and I realised I spend a lot of my thinking time, thinking about boys.
WHO CARES, I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN, ITS OK TO THINK ABOUT THOSE OTHER HUMANS SOMETIMES.
Plus I would like to know one woman who doesn't either say or think "babe!" when they see one.

I have come to the decision that i am absolutely completely in love with men.
Not all men at the same time- I think you know what I mean. (INSERT BUKKAKE JOKE)
I know, this is probably a shock to anyone who has read any of my other posts, but I just wanted to delve into the deep chasm that is.....MAN.

So lets break it down (in a really generalised manner) and name some types:

MUSICIAN MEN:

your caleb followills or dave navarros (I am naming who I think are babes in the music industry)
Screeching husky voices belting out their hand written lyrics on a smoky stage making all the girls in the audience loosen their panties and breathe heavily (sometimes because they are basically behind a microphone)
"Oh babe look at him! he is just SAAA HOT! The things I would do to him with that drum stick babe, oh you have no idea. Look at the way he plays bass! his fingers moving in such rhythm and speed."
Pretty much, chicks equate playing instruments to sex, so if you can play an instrument then go for your life. But do not do it at a party while other music is playing, it makes you look like a hippie, and girls will laugh at you.


HIPSTERS:

I dont have much nice to say about this crew, but I do appreciate the long locks most of them sport. So do HEAPS of other chicks, they froth on it. So you know- go grow that hair, shit- take a GHD to that bad boy and make waves and some girls will absolutely lose their tits for you.
Commit to it though, thats one piece of advice but do not get too into it, otherwise it is such a fucking turn off when you are asking your girl crush if velvet and paisley are actually a good mix while holding a longie and a rollie.


TATTOO BOYS/ PUNK KIDS:

I love tattoos. I think when a girl sees a boy with etchings all over his body they get slightly moist for the skin underneath it all. PLUS- it is such a great conversation starter:
"oh hey tattooed boy, whats this one mean? OMGZ did it hurt? Are you okay? Oh babe ill peel the glad wrap off it later tonight. Oh, its a picture of a skull vomiting on George Bush? Babe you are so up with world politics, lets go home and ill read your whole body like its the new Candice Bushnell novel."
But for serious- tattoos are hot, and so are you.


SURFERS:

Ok its a given that chicks get wettie for a boy in a wettie. He's in the waves whipping his hair back and forth, being one with the waves, throwing shakkas to his mates on the sand who you are also staring at (but trying to not make it look obvious).
He usually has a fine layer of water over him as he makes his way out of the water- I mean christ, there is a reason why they made the Baywatch opening credits in slow motion. Its sexy and I never thought I would ever say that about shralpers.


GENTLEMEN:

They are the first to offer you a drink (and not slip in something that dissolves)
They offer you their hand if you need to get out of a car, they also walk road side on the sidewalk to shield the woman from stray lunatics on bikes WHO JUST HAVE SOMEPLACE TO BE RIGHT NOW!
They wont overload the romance, but they do make the girl feel attractive and like the only girl in the room (which is a big deal to the more vicious and jealous sex)
They think before they speak, drink scotch and smoke cigarettes (yeah I just started watching Mad Men)
They are lovely, have a backbone and will kiss but never tell.


SK8ERS:

FUCK ME. Skaters are so fucking obliviously babein its ridiculous. They dont even know it! Or maybe they do.....anyway, something in my girl code of genetics makes me feel like all is right in the world whenever I see a skater. Sometimes I get closer in my car and they are like 15 and I feel dirty and like I should maybe change my route from Sydney to Terrigal Police Station.
So I am only talking about the 18+ skaters who shred the pavement and sometimes wear their shirt in the back pocket of their jeans. good god.


STRAIGHT UP BABES:

There is nothing better in your day than seeing a fucking Baberaham Lincoln out in the street, or if they are one of your regulars that you secretly (or maybe not so secretly- it depends) crush on and tell everyone about.
The ones who defy babeness and come into a realm of so much handsome and charm you then find yourself in a trance like in that Mighty Boosh episode in Season 2 when Naboo, Bollo, Vince and Howard get hypnotized by the love monster things and Vince has piggytails in it and they are all wearing white kaftans.
Let me give you some examples:
1. Pretty much 80% of Splendour In The Grass' occupants.
2. 2.5% of the Central Coast (but when you find one, the taste is sweeter)
3. Anyone with an instrument in front of them (see above)
You know you are a babe when 3/4 of her friends rate you highly as well. But please dont ever find out that we think you are a babe because then you know it and the ego is uncontrollable.


BOYS FROM QUEENSLAND:

 You guys, you are shit hot. When I wandered into the mecca of men that is known as the Gold Coast (& I am not referring to the Oakley sporting dudes that you see during the day) I signed myself up to full exploration of the place in 2010 and since then have rated up north highly to any and every girl as they will not be disappointed by the amount of babes just hanging about the place. I saw a man there once that literally took my breath away.




I think men are quite simple to figure out, but then again I have no idea what you fuckers think.
All I know for a fact is:

NO FAT CHICKS.

BOOBIES & FASHION.

BOYS LOVE BOOBS

GIRLS LOVE HAVING BOOBS (& SOME ALSO LOVE BOOBS)

SOME GIRLS HAVE BIG OL BOOBIES

SOME GIRLS HAVE LITTLE ONES.

ALL BOOBS ARE BEAUTIFUL & NEED LOVIN TENDER CARE

& YOU CAN HELP MAINTAIN THE BOOBS BY GOING INTO ANY OF THESE STORES & BUYING A BLACK & WHITE OUTFIT FROM THE FOLLOWING SHOPS:

* Cotton On Body
* Cue
*Peep Toe
*Metalicus
*Seafolly
*Secrets
*Seduce

25% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research.

Celebrities (whatever that means) support this cause, but what really matters is that YOU have the opportunity to flip that cancer dickwad the finger.

FASHION TARGETS BREAST CANCER

WHAT KIND OF A WORLD WOULD IT BE IF WE DIDNT CELEBRATE TITS?
ASK YOURSELF THAT!

OLDER & WISER PART 7.

1. It doesnt take much to be friendly, to say hi and ask someone how they are. It takes heaps of effort to be sarcastic and rude, which makes you look like you care more. So it is a joke you are actually playing on yourself you witty bastard.

2. No one "bashes" anyone anymore, thank fuck. This isnt a school disco or Erina friday night. We are in our 20's. We are in...our....20s.

3. If you work for assholes, you will eventually become one- ABORT ABORT ABORT!

4. Dont call the fat chick "fat" because her best friend is probably the one with the mad tits and sweet puss, and then you will never get it, EVER.

5. Wearing a trucker hat should be banned. On men and women.

6. Listing all the brands you are wearing does not make you look like you know your shit, what it does make you look like is that you have spent way too much money on Vogue and Russh, spent way too much time sucking Alex Perry's dick (and we all know how much time and strain that would take), and give way too much of a shit about what people think of you- which ironically makes people think you are a wanker.

7. Watching boys pump iron in the gym makes me ill.

8. Watch your mouth more, it takes nothing to say nothing- but yelling at people or calling them names is tiresome and makes you look crazy. You then become the equivalent to those nut bags in Crown Street screaming insults at no one. You dont want that, do you? You just want a hug.

9. Tell someone that they look beautiful. Dont tell their friend, or their mailman, or the guy at the Caltex. Tell them. No one else wants to hear it, trust me I hear that shit all the time about my beautiful friends- especially being a girl (we compare ourselves to one another constantly and to our own inevitable detriment) we will just think about how we are not as good/pretty/hot/banging body/lovely/nice/special as the other chick you are talking about. It doesnt mean that we want you, or we want you to think that about us- it just means that we dont want to have another minute in the day consumed by the fact that we think we aren't as good as another.

10. Speaking of that, tell someone something nice about themselves today. It will make their day and make yours too from their reaction! No one is told enough about how lovely they are, but rather the opposite which is a crying shame, because most people are just wonderful and they make you feel happy when they are around- but by fuck they should know it! It wont make you look like a dick, and if they take it the wrong way (which will probably happen if you say it to 99% of men- NO WE DONT WANT YOU IN THAT WAY SETTLE DOWN!) then just keep moving on and dont lose momentum, just because they dont know how to take it isnt your problem.

11. 11/11/11- I dont give a shit.

12. Make a girl a Mix tape- it takes a lot more effort than writing: "hey gurl, wat chu up 2 dis avo? letz get a drink, U payen?" off your Nokia.

13. BOYS: Please try and use the word "cunt" in a lesser fashion around girls, DO NOT talk about shit in front of us girls or get all your mates a round and not ask if we want a drink. Its disgusting.

14. Initiative is the most underrated quality any could have. It makes girls happy in the sack and in the public, plus it makes us think you aren't a lazy so and so.

15. Movember makes all the indie boys wanna kill themselves. & all the indie girls wet themselves.

16. Sometimes when I see boys talk shit about girls I think that they secretly want to fuck them, but will never get a chance.

17. They need to stop playing Ben Harper in cafe's. Its doing my head in.

18. Models are equivalent in relevance to the world as a whole and the way they help society to the piece of paper they are printed on. Im sick of em. & no its not because I am a donkey and I wish I could be one- it is because it is yet another career path that pays ridiculous money for sweet fuck all! Yet the fucking teacher, educating your shitty offspring about their ABCs and 123 gets paid nada for doing a bajillion times the work etc etc you know the drill.

19. BASEketball is one of the best movies ever.

20. Yes I am reading Snooki's book Crown Street, dont give me those looks when you spot the neon pink cover. How uncouth walking down the street, how can she show her face! oh ho ho ho! snooki! who does she think she is?
GO FUCK YASELVES *SPITS*

21. I finally had a dumpling.

22. Irony is becoming ironic. what the fuck...

23. You dont need to be a fuckwit to get across to a girl that you are not interested in her. Be polite and explain to her your circumstance, she will still spread around that you are a dick but probably wont throw a drink on you.

24. I cant believe that just now everyone has realised that Qantas is fucked.

25. Dont worry about things until they have happened, only then you are fucked.