Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Have you got that friend in your group who you just can't escape men coming up to YOU in a bid to win HER affection?

I do.
& so do my friends.

Why do boys do this to the friend of the desired girl?
What do they think will become of telling the friend of the girl that they think she is hot?
Do you think we are going to run back to her after you just finished slurring that in my ear with your breath smelling like a pork kebab at 3am and tell her she is in with a shot?

The delusion astounds me!

I have been asked by friends of friends, old men, people I met on schoolies (after schoolies had finished for 2 years and yet I never actually met them on the cruise), retail assistants, baristas, bartenders, friends of my brother, just pretty much fucking everyone with a penis.

It has become an epidemic. It has become an effect, a virus, a plague across the nation!

Once a guy I had just met that night saw this babe friend of mine and said to me,
"Can you get me her for christmas?"
I threw up in my mouth.

I get late night text messages about my hot friend,
asking whether or not they would have a chance.

What makes you think I am pleased to get these?
Do you think my face lights up when I see the fateful words on the screen?

Do you think I sit up and log another fucking dude wanting to see my friend's velvet underground?
Do i look like a pimp?
Am I standing there in purple faux fur and a long pinky nail for my cocaine and a gold tooth with a sparkly glove on my pimp hand?

Does she have a red lace snap crotch teddy on, that you just immediately imagine her with your junk in and around her mouth?

She is a human being, not a fucking fleshlight.
Get to know the girl before you sign your life and apparently your balls away to sneaky texts to her friends and silly little whispers like the Ying Yang twins in her friends ear that upon reflection make her friend shudder in pure sleazy trauma flashbacks.

Maybe one of you dorks can enlighten me as to why some blokes do this?


And I will enlighten you right back:


So everyone now understands that if you see a pretty girl, the last person you go to get "in" with her is her friend.
Because 9.9 times out of 10 she will go back to the pretty girl and tell her what a complete knob jockey you are.

Just like the meaning of life, is another question that will never fully be answered:

Who's your friend?

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