FOR THE LONELY HEARTS
You need to get your friends together and get fucking DRUNK. As luck has it, V Day is on a Friday this year! HOORAY! See, mid week revellers of Valentines usually have the market sewn up with their candlelit dinners, and Sarah McLachlan playlists- but NOT THIS YEAR!
While the lovers are out eating overpriced Thai food, gifting each other with Ped Eggs (to make the spooning smoother), and inevitably passive aggressively fighting about how they both hate each other's friends. Meanwhile....YOU ARE SINGLE ON A FRIDAY! Go out, take a pack of ribbed doms with you, and hopefully a crisp 50 dollar note. This will be all you need to get presumably wasted.
If you prefer to wallow in your own misery/hilarity, watch the latest season of The Bachelor online illegally and slowly pluck away those brain cells much as you would reserve for plucking away the talons of a daisy, scream crying, "HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT!"
FOR THE LOVERS
Whether you have recently shacked up, or you are well and truly on your way to bickering over which avocado is ripest in the fruit section of Coles. You are lovers. Pity Valentines Day is in February for us Australians who have to deal with pretty scorching summers, while those Northies get to use this time to snuggle up and take contrived black and white selfies of each other, with just a HINT of nipple showing. Down UNDA we have to sweat on each other as we lovers rip the sheets from one another and bargain about who should turn the fan velocity up a notch. Set yourself a picnic, but for Christ's sakes use it as an excuse to get rip roaring drunk in public with your significant other. That is what I'll be doing while hi-fiving that we made it to another Valentines Day without selling each other's kidneys on the black market.
FOR THE LOOONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like these guys are going to be the ones clogging the Instagram feeds tomorrow, with the lonely hearts following a close second with all of their ironic banter and SORRY NOT SORRY, LONG HAIR DONT CARE bullshit. Fucking spare me. However, the long term-ers are usually the most annoying and high pitched on days like V Day. The old "just made a bouquet of flowers out of my tears and our ripped up bedspread that we bought together from Ikea" post. Or you will have the "Here is a bowl of blueberry encrusted muesli I made for my love with a non-alcoholic Mimosa". FUCK ME. No hate to all the people in long term relationships, GOOD ON YOU dude. You have made it past the honeymoon period and you have stuck around for ages, and shit seems to be working. If it aint broke, why fix it? You guys will probably enjoy Valentines more than any other, or at least the prettiest one under 'X-PRO II'. Im kidding...
FOR THE PEOPLE JUST STILL SORTING OF WORKING IT OUT
Are we? Aren't we? There is no better way to ruin/define a relationship than Valentines Day. I remember once I relied on V Day to define a relationship by the merit of whether or not I would indeed get the kitten toy that said "I think you're PUUURRRfect" from Hot Dollar. Needless to say, my Valentines Day was devoid of pussy, but did feature some dick. LUCKY ME! I say you young loves enjoy yourselves and don't count on getting a hot dollar pussy. Or maybe do? Go out for drinks (WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL OF MY TIPS RELATED TO GETTING PISSED?) and then go home to one of your parent's houses and discover some nooks and unexplored crannies you never knew you had. V Day may be a great time to introduce some sex toys, you know, to take the pressure off?
FOR EVERYONE ELSE
Call me! Lets hang!
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