WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

Have you got that friend in your group who you just can't escape men coming up to YOU in a bid to win HER affection?

I do.
& so do my friends.

Why do boys do this to the friend of the desired girl?
What do they think will become of telling the friend of the girl that they think she is hot?
Do you think we are going to run back to her after you just finished slurring that in my ear with your breath smelling like a pork kebab at 3am and tell her she is in with a shot?

The delusion astounds me!

I have been asked by friends of friends, old men, people I met on schoolies (after schoolies had finished for 2 years and yet I never actually met them on the cruise), retail assistants, baristas, bartenders, friends of my brother, just pretty much fucking everyone with a penis.

It has become an epidemic. It has become an effect, a virus, a plague across the nation!

Once a guy I had just met that night saw this babe friend of mine and said to me,
"Can you get me her for christmas?"
I threw up in my mouth.

I get late night text messages about my hot friend,
asking whether or not they would have a chance.

What makes you think I am pleased to get these?
Do you think my face lights up when I see the fateful words on the screen?

Do you think I sit up and log another fucking dude wanting to see my friend's velvet underground?
Do i look like a pimp?
Am I standing there in purple faux fur and a long pinky nail for my cocaine and a gold tooth with a sparkly glove on my pimp hand?

Does she have a red lace snap crotch teddy on, that you just immediately imagine her with your junk in and around her mouth?

She is a human being, not a fucking fleshlight.
Get to know the girl before you sign your life and apparently your balls away to sneaky texts to her friends and silly little whispers like the Ying Yang twins in her friends ear that upon reflection make her friend shudder in pure sleazy trauma flashbacks.

Maybe one of you dorks can enlighten me as to why some blokes do this?

PLEASE, ENLIGHTEN ME.

And I will enlighten you right back:

IT DOESNT WORK, WILL NEVER WORK.

Ok.
So everyone now understands that if you see a pretty girl, the last person you go to get "in" with her is her friend.
Because 9.9 times out of 10 she will go back to the pretty girl and tell her what a complete knob jockey you are.

Just like the meaning of life, is another question that will never fully be answered:

Who's your friend?

IN A BIT OF A BINGLE.

There are just some things I will never understand.

For one:

I will never understand the admiring another human being for looks, money, fame or how many instagrams they post daily.

I dont care how many people think they are cool.

I just cant find an idol in these types of people.

We are talking D grade Australian celebrities with nothing more than a cheap reality dancing show under their belts and a cool haircut.

I have strong belief that Lara Bingle is actually a puppet.

Like an actual muppet, designed in Mark Holden's lair of young talented Australians.

She is on Dancing with the Stars Australia.

Heavy.

At least she has Mark Occalupo (or however you spell it- Im sure he doesnt even remember anymore) as an understudy.

I have a deep seated disdain for those people who have become famous for nothing other than the hair on their head and a pout that is protruding below some fierce cheekbones.

The TV hosts who know nothing and remain that way.

They dont realise they have a tiny little timer on their heads, and when that bell tolls- holy shit.

There will be nothing left of them, just another Kerry Anne wannabe slumming it outside Channel 9 studios.

Sorry, but Jamie Packer wont even want a head job off ya by the time that rolls around.

It's irritating and annoying to see these celebrities such as your Brian Mcfadden who needed a three person entourage at a Mark Ronson concert at the Enmore because Im sure all the adoring fans will shit themselves.

Put it this way:

IM PRETTY SURE IF THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC IS AT A MARK RONSON CONCERT, THEY WONT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU ARE THERE MR. MCFADDEN. RELAX.

You will still get invited to the Arias and the Logies and rock up in your Alex Perry gowns and your half faux american accents (because you just spent a week snorting coke at Sophie Monk's backpacker hostel share room in LA).

You are not doing Australians any favours with your vapid attitudes and "hot bodies" that got you into this position in the first place.

Just remember that.

I would like to see some substance within the Australian media, as I am as sick of this waste of space known as 'TV hosts' and 'Tourism Ambassadors' as the Darlinghurst Police are sick of seeing Todd Mckenney naked in a park with a bag of fish in his fist.

I just have one question:

decent role models, interesting people and real artistic flair:

"WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?"