Tuesday, April 9, 2013

20 REAL CONCERNS OF A 20 SOMETHING.


1. 30:
Isnt that just looming over your head? Its a constant reminder of mortgages, popped Ralph Lauren collars, straight leg jeans and fine red wine. You should really have your shit sorted by then, and no amount of Instagrammed inspirational quotes will help that.

2. TEENAGERS ARE CUNTS:
Remember when you thought you were so hell when you were like 17? Well you weren't. And neither are all those little fucks either. As I work in retail, I have to deal with rude little narcissistic cunts every day that spend more time Facebooking their ideal Loreal purple hair rinse and using the word "LOL" in everyday conversation.

3. MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING ENGAGED AND I STILL HAVE AN UNNATURAL RELATIONSHIP TO MY CHILDHOOD STUFFED TOY.
Shit, ay.

4. ARE PINGAZ STILL CUTE?
I mean, I have no problem with them. But I have felt a slight nagging of the empty space in my brain where all that serotonin used to be. Serotonin? Hellooo? Mrs. Pummelhorse? Id like to get down now. I know I definitely don't look cute the next day at 3pm trying to hail a cab from somewhere in Bondi.

5. WILL I EVER BECOME A DJ?
Will i? I swear I love all the music, but I just cant be fucked to learn how to DJ. It would be so cool though, I could put different coloured extensions in my hair and get one of the bull piercings and wear 5 different coloured nail polishes on each finger and I could be frothed on by deep house lords and I could end up playing Future. I think I might, ya know.

6. I THINK I ACTUALLY 'ENJOY' WINE.
I am 24. I haven't seen a goon bag in about 2 years. I feel okay with this fact, although now I feel more like a 44 year old Hunter Valley viticulturist rather than a heaps mad party alley cat stalking the streets for debauchery and wild memories. I'm getting old but GOD DAMN IT i enjoy a Sav Blanc.

7. I HAVE BEEN INTERNING FOR 7 YEARS WITH NO CAREER PROSPECTS AHEAD.
I think many can identify with this. "When are we gonna get paid?" we whine as we sip our wine, take our pingaz and reflect on how we know so much about [insert career choice] and how we deserve to be paid for our ongoing efforts. Honest to god though, its like the Neverending story.

8. IS LISTENING TO SEAN PAUL FEAT BLU CANTRELL SHIT OR COOL IRONIC?
I know im  grappling with this one.

9. IM ADDICTED TO CIGARETTES.
fuck when did that happen?

10. IM NEVER GONNA LOOK LIKE MIRANDA KERR.
No matter how many NW's you read or how many Pilates classes you take, you will NEVER look like Miranda Kerr unless you are her mother and go extensive plastic surgery to turn back the clock. Lets just embrace this fact, get on with our lives, become people of character and substance, find something interesting to talk about and fucking give up on continually trying to out- hot each other til we end up only eating raw almonds and actually walking to the gym. Fuck me.

11. IM TOO JADED TO ENJOY MY 20s IM JUST DREADING MY 40s.
WE ARE SOOOO OLLLLLDDDD NOOOOWWWW. People dont ask us for ID any more! AHHH everyone is telling me im a quarter of a century, AHHH. I can see a wrinkle, AHHH.  Shut the fuck up.

12. YOUR PARENTS MUSIC IS COOL NOW.
How great is this? From Elton John to Billy Joel, Fleetwood Mac to BREAD- everything old is new again. This is something that while you were too busy listening to Ja Rule back in 04 to notice and appreciate. This actually makes you a better person and makes your parents cooler than ever.

13. IM STILL NOT ENTIRELY SURE I GIVE GOOD HAND.
Its one of those things, that if you aren't taught how to properly give a hand job, you shall never know if you are doing it right. No amount of Cosmo 'how to' articles will ever help you. Be sure to buy the guy who taught you a drink if you ever bump into him. The hand job is like the riddle of the sphinx, but lets be honest girls, in comparison we have it pretty damn easy.

14. IM STILL AT THE BEERY.
fuck.

15. I JUST DONT HAVE ANY MONEY TO DO ANYTHING...EXCEPT GET DRUNK.
At least you can rely on a 20-something to have the right priorities in life.

16. I WILL FOLLOW ANY AND EVERY NEW HEALTH TREND UNTIL I BECOME AN ACTUAL CHICKPEA.
Quinoa, barley, soy- you name it, you've tried it and you have never felt more healthy in your LIFE! You just feel on top of the world and ready to take on all of the life's bullshit, until 5pm comes around and you are just fucking stinging for a beer.

17. IM STARTING TO SEE THE APPEAL OF SYDNEY WEEKENDER.
I used to hate this show when I was younger as Mike Whitney looks like he may be a curly headed fuck of a robot and all it seemed to do was show panning shots of wineries. Also, it was on the hour just before it was appropriate to get ready for the Saturday night ahead. Now I froth on the shit, sit there with my McGuigan wine and a notepad, promising myself that yes one day I will experience Jazz night at Taronga Zoo or a Harbour Cruise with a free seafood buffet lunch.

18. I AM THINKING OF INVOICING THE CLUB I USED TO GET INTO FREE WHEN I WAS 19, AS THEY CHARGED ME ENTRY LAST WEEKEND.
Fuck them right? How dare they! I spent so much money paying the local drug dealer and not buying drinks in their club for weeks and weeks back in 2007!

19. YOUNGER PEOPLE DON'T GET YOUR REFERENCES.
The Simpsons, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Arthur, Daria, Bruce Springsteen, one chick didn't know who Lamb Chop was. I narrowly refrained from kicking her in the mouth.

20. I STILL....LIVE WITH MY PARENTS/GO TO UNI/ WORK IN A SHIT KICKING JOB/ HATE MY LIFE/ FEEL TEENAGE ANGST.
Don't be ashamed, I know its hard. Shit happens. This isn't where you thought you would be when you were 18. But to be fair, when you were 18 you thought TV Rock was a heaps new and upcoming DJ, you thought you would only go out to Greenwood forever because it rocked, you thought that boob tube dresses and kitten heels were in fashion, you thought wearing fake croc skinned shoes and a button up shirt was the proper attire for going out in the city and you thought that Julia Gillard would never be Prime Minister. All in all, when you were 18- YOU DIDNT KNOW SHIT.

2 comments:

  1. Why do you have a strong dislike for your childhood stuffed toy?

    ReplyDelete
  2. THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT. I CHANGED IT. WELL DONE.

    ReplyDelete